From our emailer:

The house is in major disrepair. Neighbors have been complaining left and right. The sprinkler system hasn't worked in over a year, weeds are chest high, no grass left, dead trees. See attached taken this morning. I've heard his realtor can't even get a hold of him. I've heard of neighbors investigating suing him for bringing property values down. While living in our neighborhood he was truly the "boat man". Late night parties, lots of women, loud, obnoxious, didn't take care of his property.

Who else lives in Eden Prairie? Robert Remus aka Sgt. Slaughter. I think the Sgt. needs to make a call to Redskins headquarters and get this thing worked out.

Fred Smoot's House [The Realty House]

Want another testimonial? "It's got chopped up Viagra in it," Portis said. " I'm telling you, it's an aphrodisiac." Now before anyone gets all worked up, Portis was joking. But it's worth noting, again, that the Web site has some incredible copy writers. A new interactive site will launch sometime in the spring; the current site, to give just one small example, asks consumers to "try not to tear the part of the wrap with the bar code as you rush to rip open your smack bars and unleash the chocolate ecstasy onto your tongue."

To which we ask the musical question: You Smackin' it?

Smack: You've Never Tasted Anything Like This [DC Sports Bog]
Hall Of Fame Inductee: Vikings Sex Boat [Deadspin]

The 49ers were the first to make a move in the giant fiscal orgy, giving an 8-year, $80 million contract to cornerback Nate Clements. The Titans were also in the market for Clements, presumably to replace a certain troubled cornerback who's only happy when it rains. They might be forced to keep Pacman now. Oh well ... someone has to support the strippers of Nashville.

The Falcons gave a fullback, former Raven Ovie Mughelli, a six-year, $18 million deal. Finally, they start to surround Michael Vick with some legitimate offensive weapons.

The Patriots gave an assload of money to stud linebacker Adalius Thomas. I'm assuming on the "assload" part, contract terms weren't immediately available. NFL contracts prohibit the use of the term "assload." Just because it feels like it's appropriate to mention here, Bill Belichick is a genius.

Guard Derrick Dockery got $49 million over 7 years from Buffalo. Not that it's not a worthy signing, everyone needs a few good linemen... but it seems befitting of Buffalo to go out and make a big free agency splash on a guard. That'll sell some season tickets.

And the Redskins, never to be left out, when there's money to spend, gave London Fletcher $25 million over 5 years, and Fred Smoot is rumored to be docking in Washington soon, too.

A flurry of action on first day of free agency [MSNBC]

Smoot is unable to talk, though, which will come as great news to at least 2% of his colleagues in the NFL. He has been exchanging text messages with Childress, though, so you can relax, women of Minnesota. Smoot's digits are still fully functional and capable of dishing out pleasure in high doses.

Vikings CB Smoot breaks jaw in car accident [ABC13.com]

We were just forwarded this shot, from an MSNBC gallery, from last Sunday's Vikings-49ers game. You might not be able to tell from the photo — perhaps you are distracted by the ass — but the defender on the play? None other than Fred Smoot.

Tell you what, that guy ... one track mind.

So how are the Vikings keeping themselves busy? The gang at Kissing Suzy Kolber imagine how the week off is going for various players, including our pal Mr. Smoot.

Monday: Discreetly find hooker and attach her to milking machine. Realize the atrium of City Hall isn't discreet enough.
Tuesday: Call McKinnie. Discuss potential sexual encounters that do not involve the penis. Agree to try space docking.
Wednesday: Try space docking on woman flown in from Buckhead. Fail. Spray pussy with Lysol.
Thursday: Study coverage technique on tape. Realize tape is actually a copy of "The Country Bears". Curse Misssissppi State education.
Saturday: Call Sly Croom. Congratulate him for being black.
Sunday: Watch Goodfellas. Tell friends Jimmy Two Times is favorite character. Go get the papers get the papers.

If the various scenarios posited here aren't what's actually happening in Minnesota this week, we'll be extremely disappointed.

Vikings' Bye Week Itinerary [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
Deadspin Hall Of Fame: Vikings Sex Boat [Deadspin]

That's essentially what he and Bryant McKinnie did. The NFL finally went came down on Smoot and McKinnie yesterday for their role in the Lake Minnetonka sex boat scandal. Each of them were fined one game check, which equates to 1/17th of their yearly salary. For Smoot, it was $82,352, and for McKinnie, it was $41,176. Here's Smoot's reaction:

"That is over with. I don't know why people bring it up. They finally fined us. That's so much last year. What are you still talking about it?"

Why? Because you shoved the business ends of a double-donger into the hoo-hoo-dillies of two prostitutes, that's why. Am I not supposed to be amused by that? Come on, Fred, let's be real here. If you don't want me to be amused when you shove the business ends of a double-donger into the hoo-hoo-dillies of two prostitutes, then maybe you should, I dunno... do it at home?

That does not happen every day, Fred Smoot, and I'm not ashamed to admit that those kinds of things help to make my life worth living. If I was fined $1 for every time I smiled or laughed because of your naughty nautical misadventures, my fine would probably be bigger than $82,352.

Smoot, McKinnie fined in `Love Boat' incident [KRT Wire]

Presenting the next member of the inaugural class of the Deadspin Hall Of Fame ...

The Minnesota Vikings Sex Boat. Final tally: 84.2 percent.

All inauguration speeches are encouraged (as are, since they still haven't come out, pictures from the boat).

(Plaque by Jim Cooke.)

No word on whether or not that's Fred Smoot's locker ... but that's a pretty good guess, no?

The reason the picture exists, in Real World Truth terms: A fumigation firm is trumping its work helping the "Vikings to be one of the NFL pioneers in protecting their athletes from microbacteria in the locker room and on the practice field." Of course it is.

Honestly, someone from the Vikings' PR department probably should have checked this over, yes? Unless that's actually Brad Childress in the mask. Which we wouldn't rule out.

Proud To Fumigate Vikings [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

I'd like to go on record as saying that I don't think that's a good idea. It would be nice to get Smoot and McKinnie involved in more things that are beneficial to the public, but you can't take the risk of Fred Smoot showing up in the children's ward with a double-donger. I'm not saying he would... but you just can't take that risk.

So before it disappears completely, I think we should all take the time to thank Fred Smoot, Bryant McKinnie, and anyone else who made this happen. Yes, we sympathize with those who were victimized and/or pleasured (it's such a fine line). But still, we recognize one of the world's all-time most amusing sports stories, and we're thankful that it took place in the age of sports blogs.

Thanks again, Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie. We owe you.

Smoot, McKinnie both plead guilty [FoxSports]
The Fred Smoot "Bump 'n Run" Double-Headed Dildo [the mighty mjd]

As far as we can tell, it has no real connection to the famous Fred Smoot, leader of the Minnesota boat cruise and famed double-dong representative and aficionado.

Though, if you're keeping that dirty mind, you can read whatever you want into that logo. Maybe he's more connected than we thought.

Smoot Construction [Official Site]

The St. Paul Saints, the minor league baseball team ran by Mike Veeck, is giving away miniature Minnetonka Queen boats for the 30th anniversary of the Love Boat and "may remind fans of another well-known Twin Cities area vessel that has been in the news. " The date is May 27, and one forgives Fred Smoot for showing up and thinking the "Love Boat giveaway" would allow him a very different freebie that it actually does.

By the way, other Saints promotions include "VHS Demolition Night," the "Buddha Giveaway" and "Billy Murray Bobblehead Night." The Saints are just about the only thing we can think of that makes us sad we don't live in Minnesota.

A Boat Load Of Promotoins Set For 2006 [Saints Baseball]

(UPDATE: Do not anger Minnesota residents, apparently; the mailbox was flooded almost immediately. It's not like we don't like Minnesota; every time we've been there, we've enjoyed ourselves. It's just that, you know, it's kinda cold. That's all. Honest.)

Anyway, Vikings Daunte Culpepper and Moe Williams have asked the charges filed against them regarding the Lake Minnetonka incident be dropped because of racial bias against them, claiming that other people on the boat who were white were not charged. They claim the (white) captain of the boat "touched a woman's exposed breast with his mouth while he piloted the boat." Which, by the way, is exactly what happened on our boat trip, minus the captain, exposed breast and "woman."

To remind you of the full charges in the case, both Culpepper and Williams were accused of receiving lap dances ... and that was about it. (The real fun involved Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie.) These are lighter "offenses," we think, than trying to drive a boat with a boob in your mouth. We agree with the two Vikings and encourage Minnesota authorities to arrest the captain as well, so that he, and the woman, might tell their testimony. Slowly.

Culpepper Raises Race Issue In Boat Party Charges
The Full Report On The Sex Boat [Deadspin]

But if you happen to be Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder, this is very good news. Because while Mr. Snyder hasn't shown that he has a particularly good eye for talent, he does have a lot money, and in a year, he might have permission to turn the NFL's off-season into his own personal spending orgy. And if you're a free agent in the NFL this offseason, I would recommend a one-year contract.

I'm not even sure how this would work. Would there be anything stopping a team from offering Ricky Williams $8 million per year and a brick of hash for every touchdown he scores? Could someone offer Fred Smoot $10 million, payable in gift certificates to Carnival Cruise Lines and Uncle Tito's 24-Hour Dildo Shop?

NFL on the Road to Ruin? [NorthJersey.com]

Impressively, our man gangsta Grimace came in a close second, followed by Fred Smoot and Maurice Clarett. Nobody is all that frightened of Jim Mora, Jr., which is a point in everyone's favor, we think.

Full results below. As always, thanks for making your voice heard.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Henceforth, a Deadspin poll: Which sports-related personality would you least want to run into at a McDonald's? Poll will be open all night and most of the day tomorrow.

It's a tougher call than you might think. Vote below.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Two of the four players indicted in the whole Lake Minnetonka double-dong fiasco pleaded not guilty yesterday to misdemeanor charges and have "demanded a jury trial." To repeat the initial charges for each player, Culpepper is accused of "getting a 'lap dance' from an unidentified, naked female," and McKinnie, getting his money's worth, "picked up a naked woman, placed her on the bar in the lounge and commenced to perform oral sex on her ... at a different time during the evening, [witnesses] saw Mr. McKinnie along with three other unidentified males received oral sex from four women while the men were seated in deck chairs on the boat." Yeah, beat that rap. Why deny it? Hell, pay the freaking fine, take the pats on the back from teammates and go on your way.

Moe Williams, the third Viking indicted, is in court today. Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy.

Culpepper, McKinnie Plead Not Guilty To Charges In Boat Party [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

(Update: Fred Smoot has now plead not guilty as well. To blatantly steal from commenter MTD: Best. Exhibit A. Ever.)

"Never in my life, ever," said Smoot when asked if he had ever been through a season like this one. "It just didn't go like I expected."

One suspects if every season were like this one, Smoot would be too exhausted to actually play. The good news: Smoot's picking up some endorsements from the whole ordeal. We're big fans of Bubbles' testimonial.

Disrupted Season Keeps Smoot Unusually Quiet [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]
Fred Smoot's Endorsement Deal [The Mighty MJD]
The Full Report On The Sex Boat [Deadspin]

Some blogger we've never heard of but will be checking out from now on named "Zembla" has combined two of our favorite stories of the year — the Vikings sex boat and the Miami Hurricanes' scary dorm rap — and created a mashup, wondering what the Seventh Floor Crew would be like if Vikings were involved.

Bryant McKinnie: "Big Nick" (who "slings dick"). Bryant McKinnie is 6'8, 343 pounds, so he's got the "big" part covered. Despite the myriad of sex acts detailed by the Seventh Floor Crew, Big Nick is the only one to discuss cunnilingus. As McKinnie is the only Viking accused of picking up a naked woman, placing her on the bar, and performing oral sex on her, this seems like the perfect match.

We appreciate any Baseball Prospectus-esque discussion of sex boat/dorm gangbang shenanigans, so we're pretty big fans.

Lake Minnetonka And The Seventh Floor Crew [Zembla]

• Fred Smoot is officially a defensive genius... first time in history a DB has been able to cover two receivers. — import
• Fred Smoot the mastermind behind Cover 2. — DynaMo
• Weird thing is, Culpepper got up a minute through the lap dance and Brad Johnson replaced him. Everyone thought the lap dance was far more entertaining/satisfying after Duante took off. — BadClown
• the only way this could possibly be anymore entertaining is if mike tice was pacing the deck with clipboard in hand relaying sex acts to his players..."ok smoot, with mckinnie down up front, you're the back door bandit on the next play." — Large
• I've seen my share of terrible things on the internet, but there is something inherently dry-heavy about the Bryant McKinnie part of this story. Those strippers should just be thankful Kleinsasser was not on board. — David Gilmore

Honestly, we've been laughing about these all day. Wanna be a member of the party? Drop us a line at tips@deadspin.com and tell us why you can rock the house.

The Full Report On The Sex Boat [Deadspin]

Fred Smoot: Was seen holding a double-headed dildo and moving the dildo while each end was inserted into the vagina of two women who were lying on the floor near the lounge area of the charter boat. After a period of time, one of the women got up and Mr. Smoot continued to manipulate the dildo inside the other woman.

Daunte Culpepper: Got a "lap dance" from an unidentified, naked female. During this "lap dance," Mr. Culpepper placed his hands on the naked buttocks of the female dancer.

Moe Williams: [Williams is witnessed] in the area by the downstairs bathrooms receiving a "lap dance," which involved the "dancer" dancing bare-breasted and Mr. Williams with his hands on and touching the breasts of his female partner.

Bryant McKinnie: [McKinnie is witnessed] pick up a naked woman, place her on the bar in the lounge and commence to perform oral sex on her. ... At a different time during the evening, [witnesses] saw Mr. McKinnie along with three other unidentified males receiving oral sex from four women while the men were seated in deck chairs on the boat.

So now you know. Some conversation topics for all your holiday parties this weekend.

Vikings Charged In Bawdy Boat Case [The Smoking Gun]

• Bad Jocks is all over this story. Their interesting wrinkle: The Vikings players involved could have broken the federal statute "The Mann Act," which became law in 1910 to "punish those accused of taking women across state lines for the purpose of prostitution." Their complete archive of info on the case is right here. BadJocks was born for this story.
• According to the Pioneer-Press' "Whispers" page — because everyone whispers in Minnesota — the price for players to get on the sex boat was $5,000.
• Players on the boat included Daunte Culpepper, Bryant McKinnie, Fred Smoot (of course) and a very engaged Mewelde Moore, who pleaded, "Sex? What are you talking about? That's crazy. Look, I'm engaged. So none of that. That will put me in trouble." So you know.
• Oh, the Vikings got their ass handed to them by the Bears yesterday. In case anyone was still paying attention.

Vikings Sex Boat Orgy Scandal [Bad Jocks]
"Whispers" [Pioneer Press]

The Minneapolis Star-Tribune reports that several Vikings players, led by cornerback Fred Smoot, got themselves a little orgy action on a cruise ship last Thursday. Supposedly the action got so hot and heavy — if we may borrow our grandmother's term, along with "hubba hubba," "making whoopee" and "blowing rails before banging some dude" — that the ship's crew members were actually offered money to join in the fun. (Same thing happened to Gilligan; honestly, the guy was just begging for that boat to crash.)

Quite a few interesting tidbits to pick out about this story.

• Having an orgy sex boat party on anything with the name "Lake Minnetonka" makes us giggle; we imagine those two ladies the kidnappers pick up in "Fargo" cruising Lake Minnetonka, trying to find guys with a couple cases of Hamm's.
• The cruise was supposed to last 3 1/2 hours but ended 40 minutes in. (Men! Typical!) This is amusing not just for premature ejaculation jokes, but also because this apparently wasn't some late-night drunken orgy, the result of too much Veuve Clicquot; once they were on the boat, it was time to start humpin'. Time's a-wastin'!
• The "acts" included "oral sex, masturbation and playing with sex toys." We desperately, desperately hope one of the sex toys was the Randy Moss mask.
• The ringleader of all this was apparently Fred Smoot. We're no experts, but we're guessing that "Fred Smoot" has to be the least melodious name to yell out during the heat of passion on earth, save for maybe "Herbert Applebaum."

Anyway, with this story and everybody's favorite Barney Gumble Kyle Orton, we're starting to believe NFL players' bye weeks are like freaking Caligula.

Vikings Cruise Was Allegedly A Sex Party [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]