Blackhawks, Brawls And Brewskies

Since tedious analysis is the stuff of "power rankings," each Monday NHL Closer writer Greg Wyshynski uses a form of universal expression: Success in terms of beer. Before we get to the fury of fists that was Oilers/Canucks, welcome to The Brewmeister Ratings...

Winner No. 1: Chicago Blackhawks. The Indian? Committed to. The offense? Kicking ass, to the tune of 15 goals in their last three games, all wins against Western Conference teams they're chasing. Martin Havlat? Scored the game-winner to beat the Avalanche yesterday, and Montreal might be dumb enough to take the $6 million-a-season mood swing off Chicago's hands. The goaltending? Pat Lalime's playing well, and they just added a little someone named Brodeur. (OK, so it was Michael Brodeur from the AHL Rockford IceHogs, but I'm sure he's just as good as that other dude.) Byfuglien? Gesundheit! The Beer They'd Be: An ice cold can of Pabst Blue Ribbon, served between the twin talents of Scarlett Johansson, as co-star Natalie Portman explains the benefits of sustainable microfinance for women-owned businesses in Ecuador. And then they make out.

Winner No. 2: Carolina Hurricanes. Carolina's like the second man in the ring to start the Royal Rumble, who constantly gets tossed over the top rope but whose boots never hit the arena floor. The Canes won three games last week while losing Rod "Beefcake!" Brind'Amour for the season. No matter how many times you want to count them out, and no matter how many people in Ottawa want to take a steaming shit on the franchise, they'd be division champions if the playoffs started today. The Beer They'd Be: Cottonwood Hazelnut Stout served in a Ryan Newman commemorative 7-11 refillable Big Gulp mug.

Loser No. 1: Philadelphia Flyers. Losers of seven in a row; their back-to-back defeats to the Habs would have been the pinnacle of suck this weekend had it not been for the debut of the new "Knight Rider" on NBC. To capture the panic in Philly, I turn the mic over to poster Jiri Latel of Flyersphans.com: "i still kind of don't understand how essentially the same personnel could play so much worse than they were a month ago. is it because coburn was out, and now gagne and lupul are? does anyone who really knows a lot about hockey understand what's going on, because i really can't put my finger on it. all i know is we need forsberg and kaberle." The Beer They'd Be: A watered down Budweiser kicked over by a surly drunk in an Andre Waters jersey after an Eagles' home loss.

Loser No. 2: Detroit Red Wings. The fuck? What was supposed to be the NHL's answer to the Patriots is winless in six games, and yesterday's 1-0 loss to Dallas drops their conference lead over the Stars to just eight points. Pierre Maguire on NBC: "They're tired, they're small and they're filled with nervous energy." Sounds like Tom Cruise on his wedding night ... well, minus the presence of L. Ron Hubbard's cryogenically frozen semen. The Beer They'd Be: A can of Molson that Probert used as a urinal during a late-80s coke run across the Detroit/Ontario border.

Andrei Kostitsyn > Ovechkin? Everybody remembers the Ovechkin goal in Phoenix (especially Brian Boucher). So how close does this Kostitsyn goal against Philly come to topping it? Four Habs Fans sees it as the perfect mash-up of the Ovechkin goal and Bobby Orr's classic leaping goal to win the Stanley Cup. Yes, they're calling it the Orrvechkin.

Put the Foil On! Old time hockey! There were 42 penalties, including eight misconducts and 14 fighting majors, in Vancouver's 4-2 win over Edmonton on Saturday night. The last 40 seconds of the game alone produced 125 penalty minutes; the only thing missing from this ice circus was a Ned Braden strip tease. Will Jarret Stoll be suspended for inciting a riot with his cheap shot on Alex Burrows as he celebrated an empty net goal? Will Burrows be suspended for his wild one-handed slash in retaliation? Can Sam Ganger explain where he learned to punch like a discus thrower?

Puck Headlines

* A few props to the Fishsticks: They've won three in a row, they limited Atlanta to an obscene 10 shots (4-2-4) on Saturday night, and now Islanders super fan Eric Murphy of "Entourage" is planning on producing a fictional show centering on minor league hockey. Let's slash it out, bitch. [ Toronto Star]

* So is putting advertising on goalies' jerseys the next great revenue generator for the NHL or a blatant attempt to finally begin courting NASCAR Nation? [ Covered in Oil]

* If it wasn't for Dr. James Mirtle, M.D., Bloggoloist, I would have never guessed Michael Peca was more important to a power play than Scott Niedermayer. [ Mirtle]

* Self-pimp: My countdown of the top 10 U.S.-born fighters in recent hockey history, a.k.a. an excuse to educate the youngin's about Chris Nilan and Nicky Fotiu. [ The FanHouse]

* Finally, Dan Cloutier is pretty much the worst goalie in hockey — I'd have more confidence in a cardboard cut-out of Marc Denis between the pipes — but this is just cruelty from the Hockey Gods: