twins15

Yes, the A's did in fact have the most one-run wins (32) this season.

jane

twoeightnine

Oh, me too. But in a slightly different way.

jane

ArkansasFred

josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris's sack-dance for you

Joe Mauer, meet Kevin Garnett. Kevin Garnett, Joe Mauer.

josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris's sack-dance for you

redsoxchick

stan

iantenna

jane

This is the only reason I don't begrudge him today.

But the rest of the series? Thomas? Dead!

redsoxchick

soozycue

SlickBomb

Rockin' Joe Stalin

Mr. Bigglesworth

On a side note, shouldn't Frank Thomas legally change his name to "How's my dick taste, Ken Williams"?

Doctor Lingerie

stan

ArkansasFred

supermike3

soozycue

sweet c

Packman

So we're really just blown away that we're about to do a live-blog about a Cardinals playoff game that Chris Berman is broadcasting. We are absolutely asking Gawker Media for a raise ... this is sadistic.

Wow: So Milton Bradley is absolutely going to fucking kill the Metrodome roof later. Michael Cuddyer hit a dopey flyball to right field, but Bradley never saw the ball. It landed in for a triple. Justin Morneau does Bradley a favor by hitting a ridiculous line drive right at him; one out, Cuddyer does not score.

That second homer for Thomas looks nice right now: Hunter just grounded out to score Cuddyer, but there's two out for ... jesus, is Rondell White up again?

A fly ball to center ... that's it! Pretty monster win for the A's, beating Santana and taking home-field. A reader who's had the Metrodome right now sends us this report:

"its pretty bad when you're at a playoff game and you want to leave early because your manager has gone brain dead once again when the playoffs start. lets recount his mistakes so far...

- starting nevin over tyner (a "pirahna" that gets on base a lot at the bottom of the order)
- running jesse "I give up first batter hits" crain out there against the hurt but then not trusting him against something call scutaro.
- not moving runners over
- having a guy with no knees try to steal early
- many more

omg the roof still works"

But not enough, friend. Some Billy Beane shit just worked. And now ... half hour until the Cardinals and Berman. Awesome

FINAL: OAKLAND 3, MINNESOTA 2

Will Leitch

Billy H

Rob Iracane

soozycue

To be a complete girl for a second-first Zito and now Huston Street. I think I might have a Mike Cooper moment. Minus the library.

SA

Technicolor Jan Stenerud

Sh!tShow

BigTenObsession

Technicolor Jan Stenerud

Denis Lemieux

Sh!tShow

And you are easier to read than Family Circus.

supermike3

oh how the playoffs destroy your mind.

vatican plum

soozycue

Billy H

Technicolor Jan Stenerud

MDT

littlepapi

Jesse Crain, who runs one hell of a business journal, is in for Santana, whose supposed dominance has been neutralized already.

And then Frank Thomas, who is downright disgusting right now, hits a huge homer deep into left, and now it's 3-1. That was a pretty tough pitch to hit, actually. And Huston Street looks on from the odd Metrodome bullpen.

Joe Morgan always sounds so sad when he says things like, "That's just the way The Game is now." Oooh ... he's about to go on an anti-A's rant! He's attributing their new success -- that is to say, the fact that they're "currently winning" -- to Ken Macha. If this is 3-1 Twins, it would be because of the terrible fundamentals. But you knew that.

Nick Swisher shows off those fundamentals by drilling a double off the Hefty. That's all for Jesse Crain and his business journal. Reliever Neschek guy gets a strike out, and to the bottom of the ninth we go!

NEWS FLASH, KIDS: The broadcaster for the Cardinals-Padres game is .... CHRIS BERMAN!

How did he even get there from Philadelphia so fast?

Jesus.

A's 3, Twins 1

Will Leitch

vatican plum

soozycue

Billy H

Doctor Lingerie

supermike3

I'm not sure. I have an immense dislike for most of the As...although I can't really say why. It's just there and totally irrational.

I was considering live-blogging the Yanks tonight...if only to keep myself awake for it.

redsoxchick

spinachdip

... and a whole lot of White Sox fans.

BigHurt

Bronson

It's irrelevant here now, but I want to know. It wouldn't have been all the way back in 91, would it? Help.

vatican plum

Touchdown Ty Douthard

AwfulAnnouncing

BigTenObsession

MDT

jane

SlickBomb

qyntellspitbull

speaking of emo, frank thomas just made a lot of people in Minnesota start cutting themselves.

Denis Lemieux

Billy H

soozycue

Billy H

qyntellspitbull

Rockin' Joe Stalin

ArkansasFred

Jason Bartlett more than makes up for his muffed double play earlier by drilling a double into left field, and here we go. Zito's looking tired, and Justin Duscherscherscherscher is warming up. But we're not ready for that now. Why? Because it's PUNTOBER!

Ooh: Bartlett was just about picked off second base, which would have been an even worse error than his actual error. Wethinks Mr. Bartlett is kind of nervous about this playoff business. Luis Castillo picks a bad time to not reach base, grounding out to third and not moving the runner over. One out.

Ha. Bartlett just almost made another stupid running mistake, inexplicably stopping in between second and third on a grounder to second. He's going to wet himself any second.

Joe Mauer flies to left, and it's still a one-run game. That's probably it for Zito too. He doesn't have that dumb blonde streak in his hair anymore, does he?

A's 2, Twins 1

Will Leitch

MDT

Cowboy Dan

RSC, curious, why do you hate Zito?

SA

That reminds me - anyone see Idiocracy?

supermike3

I can't even comment if he's gonna top himself every five minutes

MDT

HugsFromHarold

supermike3

Thank you, Joe; I've never seen a baseball team before. But next time could you have Scooter explain it for me?

MDT

Doctor Lingerie

AwfulAnnouncing

soozycue

twoeightnine

NJP

I AM NOT AN ANIBAL!

supermike3

Jason Kendall is so slow. One out. You know, we'd like to take a moment to admire Joe Morgan's restraint in not mentioning Billy Beane yet. You know it's just killing him.

Nick Punto just made our first highlight film play, jumping aginst the wall left-field foul wall and making the catch while getting his spikes caught in a batting practice screen and having about three beers spilled on him. Do you think he'll change his uniform? Or will he just play with the stink of beer on him.

Someone ruins it with a sign that says Puntober. You know, in baseball, every month is Poontober.

A's 2, Twins 1

Will Leitch

soozycue

supermike3

BigTenObsession

God, I hate Zito.

redsoxchick

ArkansasFred

AwfulAnnouncing

Billy H

Nice catch!

supermike3

twoeightnine

makasupigroove

Why the hell do I care if the As beat the Twins?

I don't know, but I do. I friggin' care. The MVP brothers better get off their asses and do something soon...I don't want to see Nick Swisher's greasy ass celebrating.

redsoxchick

Billy H

soozycue

HugsFromHarold

I'm staying the hell away from Holiday Inns from now on. Although, the one where that guy does his Joe Buck impression, that was funny. But only because it made Buck look like a total idiotface, which isn't that hard to do, I guess.

soozycue

BigTenObsession

Yes, that's worse than communism.

Frinklin

Billy H

HugsFromHarold

No, wait, that's not right at all.

And bonus points to Soozy for knowing Kyuss AND liking Tom Waits.

Rockin' Joe Stalin

We haven't commented on the site about this, but we absolutely do not understand these Holiday Inn commercials with Joe Buck. How are these supposed to persuade us to sleep in a Holiday Inn? Joe Buck is actually the least annoying person in those commericals, and it's not even close. Even if the commercials were funny -- they're not -- we still wouldn't even slightly get the point. Our least favorite is the bizarre one about the guy who wants to touch Buck's throat when he talks. Seriously. That's a hotel commercial.

Zito zips through the first two guys, but then Rondell White gets all crazy on us and hammers a high fastball over the left-field wall, and it's 2-1. No extra innings! Cards at 4!

Phil Nevin, who is making more than $10 million this year and was once almost traded for Ken Griffey Jr., pops out, and it's a one-run game.

A's 2, Twins 1

Will Leitch

Geezus H

sweet c

Packman

Geezus H

parker91

Denis Lemieux

supermike3

soozycue

Sh!tShow

BigTenObsession

littlepapi

soozycue

BigTenObsession

Sh!tShow

To clarify: Earlier we thought that the C in the Twins stood for "Club." The reasoning behind this, which know seems idiotic, was that it was, like, "The Minnesota Twins Baseball Club" or something like that, and it was a holdover from a time when people wore monocles. Obviously, this was very wrong, and we're, well, we're kind of fucking stupid sometimes. Excuse our French.

Frank Thomas singled to right field and just about got thrown out at first base. He was jogging toward the end, because he's old and fat, and it almost cost him, as they say. We wonder if Frank Thomas has ever dived into first. We doubt it.

Jason Bartlett just made an error that could cause all kinds of trouble; Eric Chavez hit an easy double play ball right to him, and he muffed it. Nobody out now, rather than two. A's could absolutely bust this open.

OK, Joe Morgan is awful. He has decided that the fact that Johan Santana patted Bartlett on the back after his error somehow makes him some sort of champion hero or something. We can't quite do the "observation"justice. With one out, Swisher, on a 2-0 pitch, swung and miss on a patented mean-and-nasty changeup that was such a great pitch that Swisher actually started laughing. He gets his revenge by working a walk, and now the bases are loaded for former Brooklyn Cyclone Marco Scutaro.

And he almost does, ripping a line drive to center that's caught by Torii Hunter. If any human other than Frank Thomas were on third base, it's a run. But Frank Thomas is on third base, and he almost got thrown out on a single to right. Bases loaded for Mark Ellis. He falls behind 0-2 but works it back to a full count ... and here we go ... dopey little fly ball to left, it's caught, it's still 2-0.

A's 2, Twins 0

Will Leitch

SA

Rob Iracane

That can't possibly be a reference to Kyuss....

Rockin' Joe Stalin

twoeightnine

I'm pretty sure this is why Dave Wallace got shitcanned yesterday.

redsoxchick

BigTenObsession

AwfulAnnouncing

soozycue

Rob Iracane

redsoxchick

jane

Get Him A Body Bag, Yeah!

Frinklin

soozycue

Get Him A Body Bag, Yeah!

qyntellspitbull

rock & rye

RyanBeingManny

Zito's curveball is so cool. It always looks like a ball to us, even when it's in the strike zone. The chubby Castillo reaches for the third time today with a one-out single. The crowd wakes up. We still remember, when we lived in St. Louis, when the Twins were offering season tickets for $98. For $98, it almost seemed worthwhile to get the tickets but still live in St. Louis.

Joe Mauer, with two outs, shows bunt but misses the pitch. We know that Mauer is supposedly dating some model or something, but we never understand how baseball players "date" anyone. What, she's hanging around Minneapolis? She's waiting for him to call from road trips? Doubt it. For six months out of the year, baseball players, single and married, are dating no one and they are dating no one. Everyone is aware of this, yes?

Mauer walks, and the tying run is at first with two out. Michael Cuddyer, if that's his REAL NAME, grounds to short to end the inning, and it's 2:33 and we're in the seventh inning.

A's 2, Twins 0

Will Leitch

soozycue

Vizzini

ArkansasFred

BigTenObsession

Hey - how about it?

Geezus H

BigTenObsession

silver lining

Pffff... small sample size.

Frinklin

vatican plum

BigTenObsession

silver lining

That's good enough for me.

Tuffy

Rob Iracane

This just in: The "C" stands for cities: Twin Cities. Good to know!

You know, at this rate, we're actually going to have time to use the bathroom between games. Which is nice. Because that's important.

A reader writes in about Rondell White and Phil Nevin:

"Lest your commenters question the venerable Ron Gardenhire's managing, Phil Nevin and Rondell White have good track records against Zito--clearly the best of any on the Twins' roster. Zito has an excellent history against the current Twins' lineup. I was worried about the matchup before, and now I'm afraid that we have no hope as long as Zito is in this game.

Nevin is 5/17 with 3HR's
White is 5/14."

Oh ... so THAT'S why they're on the team.

Jason Kendall flies out to center for the first out. Mark Kotsay is about to strike out for the third time today ... nope! He actually singles, first guy in 11 to reach.

Hey, look, Erin Andrews is here! Hi, Erin! This game has so quickly that she hasn't had time to do any "reporting." And then Milton Bradley grounds into a double-play, and she doesn't even get to finish her sentence. We're really paying any attention anyway. Human interest thing .... I was talking to so-and-so before the game ... the key is the ... sorry, we blacked out again.

A's 2, Twins 0

Will Leitch

jane

(tearing up "who breaks up Cards no hitter pool")

(runs crying to bathroom)

Sh!tShow

parker91

MDT

Baba Booey! Baba Booey! Howard Stern's penis!

Get Him A Body Bag, Yeah!

Yeah, can we slow this down? My boss expects some work to be done today.

Frinklin

MDT

Technicolor Jan Stenerud

iantenna

supermike3

Technicolor Jan Stenerud

Rob Iracane

This just in: The "C" stands for cities: Twin Cities. Good to know!

Bottom Of The Fifth

It's Ken Macha's turn to talk to Miller and Morgan. He looks like a muppet. Though sometimes we think all older men look like muppets. We might have some issues there.

Justin Morneau hits the ball the hardest that any Twin has hit it today, but Mark Kotsay makes a running catch in deep center for the first out. Toriiiiiiiiii Hunter had a much better year than we thought he did. To think we used to confuse him with Jacque Jones. He pops out to center, and there's two down, and we're realizing that LOTS of A's have idiotic necklaces.

If you had Rondell White in the "who breaks up the no-hitter pool?" well, you win. And you have extremely silly pools. It's a double to right, and here's Phil Nevin, who is the DH because putting him in the field is just being mean. This is his first postseason game. We think he's more a factor in that than simple luck.

Hey, look, he popped out. Home run in an elevator shaft!

A's 2, Twins 0

Will Leitch

qyntellspitbull

Celerino Sanchez

Either that or like 50 people did...

Pete Gaines

BigTenObsession

soozycue

supermike3

Rockin' Joe Stalin

sweet c

Packman

aDEADguy

Get Him A Body Bag, Yeah!

Rosebud Henri Withmustard

soozycue

Matt Sussman

Or, Too Close on that missed homer.

Where's the hefty bag outfield wall????

supermike3

Max Power

Rockin' Joe Stalin

soozycue

Bronson

Metschick

aDEADguy

Geezus H

at least, i've been working under that assumption

supermike3

but... for whom are they tolling?

supermike3

You realize it's only 2:10, right? We're already almost halfway through. This is like a Greg Maddux game. Santana gets Swisher to pop out, and Scutaro to ground back to him, and we think he might have done it with one pitch.

Little help from anyone who knows (and we're sure someone does): Is the "C" in the Twins hat supposed to stand for "Club?" Because that's dumb.

Groundout. Five pitches. Ten in a row down for Santana. There should almost be a discount for fans.

A's 2, Twins 0

Will Leitch

SlickBomb

soozycue

Rob Iracane

Go A's!!

qyntellspitbull

Frinklin

MDT