I think women are smart, don't get me wrong. But for the life of me I can't figure out how Lyle Lovett scored him some Julia Roberts. And Enza Sambataro dumps Ben Affleck for Kevin Youkilis? (room spinning, must sit down). OK ladies, explain yourselves. You have six posts in which to do so.

By the way, if you'd like to be part of the Waxing Off writing staff, email myself at Rick@Deadspin.com, or Mr. Daulerio at AJD@Deadspin.com.

President Steezarak:

You’ve surely heard the old song, “If you wanna be happy the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife.” It’s pretty offensive … offensively honest that is. And I think you can swap the genders and the moral stays the same. I also think a hot girl is more likely to marry a schmo than the other way around, though perhaps that’s an issue for my therapist to help me work through.

So with that in mind, my unconventional crush is Charlie Weis. He is also my conventional crush in that he would literally crush me in the sack. Why Coach Weis? I’m glad you asked.

First, he’s fat. Did you notice? Stand next to a fat person, and suddenly you’re feeling pretty good about your weight and appearance. Not only do you look skinnier comparatively, but fat people always give you self-loathing compliments about how skinny you are. And though yes, you have to do the obligatory, “oh, I’m not that skinny,” in your head you’re like “OH HELL YES!!!” Even if you weren’t “actually” skinny, you would be soon because he’d be eating everything in sight.

Second, he is like totally OMFG BFFs with Tom Brady. Seriously if you’re gonna be married to guy looking like Charlie (or Chaz as he prefers to be called), make sure he has hot friends you can have an affair with. In my head, Tom would be so mystified about the tall skinny (!!! it’s working !!!) girl dating/hooking up with/married to his former coach, he’d just HAVE to see what he was missing out on. Since he has super swimmers, I’d obviously get pregnant and blackmail the pants off of him. It will be amazing.

And finally, I hate Notre Dame. A lot of people do actually. I want to do a favor for those people and the rest of the world and be the person to take “one for the team” and make Charlie Weis pay. We’re talking humiliating role play leaked to the newspapers (haha, just kidding, no one reads newspapers); rumors about orgies spreading across the blogosphere; sex tapes posted on Perez. Sure, I’d have to spend a fortune on stand-ins for those because ain’t no way I’m participating, but totally worth every dime (thanks to baby daddy Tom Brady). Once his precious personal life is destroyed, I’ll take his precious elite football program away too. Oh wait someone beat me to it.

— President Steezarak is a Texas Longhorn fan living in Washington D.C. who once mistook Will Muschamp for Jesus.

—-—-—-

The Head Chick In Charge:

Tony Kornheiser could get it. That's right. Loud, sloppy, nasty forbidden nursing home sex that will threaten society's acceptance of Cialis and make his children worry about their inheritance. He's a White man that dances, albeit penguin. And he sounds smart (especially to himself) when he's talking. And he likes to play dress up. He's perfect! And he's not as old as I thought. I was shocked to learn that he's only 61 years old. Truthfully, I doubt this. Who knew? Before there was a Kim Zolciak of Real Housewives of Atlanta, there was a Anthony Irwin Kornheiser lying about his age. Anyway, he doesn't look a day over 73 and I'd be happy to tempt him away from his wife. Yes, Tony Reali is the obvious choice from that set, but I generally disapprove of men wearing jeans that cost more than $100. Real men like Kornheiser wear sweater vests and aren't afraid to wear their reading glasses when they need them. Some people complain about Kornheiser. They say he's a bad boy, especially when he's on Monday Night Football. That it's undeniable that he'll eventually annoy me to death. That he'll emphasize the obvious until my head explodes. That we'll never last. Those people don't know the real Tony. I know the real Tony. He's cantankerous, yet delightful. He's the PTI Tony, the Washington Post Tony. The MNF Tony is just a front. And I just adore him.

I dare to dream, but maybe Tony and I will have a future together riding together in a luxury bus across the 48 contiguous and clipping coupons and doing all the things that old people do. Well, I'm not old ... but I will happily play the May to his December, plow him with red wine and spend his money. He is rich now, cha-ching! But I'm no gold digger. I'm down for clipping the aforementioned coupons. Did you know you can get a free Dr. Pepper if you download the coupon from the corresponding site on Sunday? That's the most useful mention of Chinese Democracy and/or GNR that has appeared on this site in weeks. I hope Tony likes dessert ...

— The HCIC owns the domain name for Leave The Man Alone.

—-—-—-

Samantha Wood:

This is embarrassing, but I love Jon Runyan.

I have a little crush on Runyan, the 300-pound offensive tackle for my Eagles. So the natural question is, why? Why would a girl like me, a third of his size, and a little more than half his age be attracted to this man?

I have no idea.

My best guess is it’s because he’s nasty at football, and, to me at least, he slightly resembles a teddy bear. Also, he bowls. He bowls for charities! How could you not find that cute?

In general, fans develop unusual crushes (yes, even man-crushes) on athletes because of their talent. Or maybe it’s because of their “interesting” looks. Or maybe it’s something else altogether. Who knows why we love?

Basically my point is that if Jon Runyan’s reading this, I would really like a hug (I know he’s married with three kids). And I apologize in advance, but I can’t resist mentioning that he’s #69. Immature? Yes. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

— Sam is a journalism student in Boston who will never get tired of working “World Fucking Champions” into every possible conversation.

—-—-—-

J-Money:

For the past decade, I've had a thing for professional golfer/CBS broadcaster/serial adulterer Nick Faldo because there's something incredibly sexy about six major championships, more green jackets than the night manager at Bennigan's, and a loose moral code.

I'm still not sure why I chose him to be my athletic obsession. He's older than Velcro and golf isn't the most athletic pursuit, straddling the line between 'sport' and 'hobby' just like archery or whittling or arson, but I'd still put my mashie near his niblick, if you know what I mean (AND I THINK YOU DO).

There were certain parallels between us that made him more attractive, like the fact that he's from England and I'm from West Virginia, two places where the accents make it difficult to understand the locals and the dental industry is non-existent. I also played golf for several years, even though my career achievements were limited to the Coalfield Conference Championship (1995), the Everyone Assumes You're A Lesbian Open (1995-1998) and the Feed That Chili Dog to that Seagull and You'll Never Play Here Again Tournament (1997). He also left his second wife for a college player—one only a few semesters older than me—so he actually seemed attainable in that twisted Lifetime movie kind of way.

I was in the crowd at Augusta in '96, the year Greg Norman choked harder than the late Linda Lovelace and handed Nick the last of his six majors. Despite getting close enough to him to count the pleats on his Stain Defenders, I don't think he ever saw me, which is probably for the best since I was fond of coral lipstick and skorts at the time.

Faldo has since swapped the Masters for a mic to become CBS's lead golf analyst. He doesn't play very much anymore and neither do I, but I still think about him every time I do tee one up and, Nick, if you're reading this I hope the next time you kiss a claret jug (and face it, you're going to have to do this with one you already have), that — just once — you'll think of me.

— J-Money is a freelance writer and responsible for The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy. She hasn't worn a skort since 1996.

—-—-—-

Ciara:

Greg Oden could get it. Yes, Nat Turner's right-hand-man could get it in a heartbeat. I don't know what it is but there is something so normal about that cat that makes me want to take him home to meet my Pops.

It started way before he went to Ohio State. I remember watching a short piece about him on the four-letter network. Minus the height, he didn't come off with that typical athlete vibe. He had glasses on too, so he came off like a dork. He was so anti-athlete to me that he had me intrigued from the get-go.

He isn't your typical pretty boy like Kobe. He doesn't even have that understated fineness like Chris Paul. Greg Oden looks like a dude that you would see from around the way and that is what makes him so attractive to me. Pretty boys are either cocky or gay (Jimmy Jackson, I'm talking to you).

For one, Greg Oden isn't that bad to look at. Remember, it isn't like he's on Tyrone Hill status or something (like my Pops said, Tyrone Hill looks like he drinks turpentine). Secondly, dude can take a joke about his looks. He knows that he looks like Father Time and he can laugh it off with the best of them. Lastly, he looks like he could pick me up. That's a plus…

While I will admit, if Brian Westbrook knocked on my door and asked to go half on a baby with me, I wouldn't even think about Greg. Greg who? But if Greg knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted to hang out, go to the movies or just chill, I would say yes in a heartbeat.

— Ciara wants Marty Morningwheg's head on a stick in front of City Hall. She's sick of this sh*t!

—-—-—-

Meghan:

Does an obsessive stat guy that formulated a superior system for predicting fantasy baseball performances count as a sports figure? If so, my unconventional sports guy crush is on Nate Silver, the Baseball Prospectus guy who came up with PECOTA. I actually came across him via his political blog, fivethirtyeight. But when I found out that he was also a baseball stat genius I was smitten. The man just screams nerdy awkwardness. And there's something about his lanky, slightly undernourished frame that just gives me butterflies.

I'm not joking. I love lanky, awkward, nerdy guys. And add in a love of sports, politics and math and you pretty much have my ideal man. I know most women want a strong, athletic guy with classically good looks who's also handy and can do stuff around the house, but whatever. Think about all the positives of a guy like Nate. He's smart, ambitious, hardworking, and from the Midwest, which pretty much means he's a nice guy. He will always have job, no matter how bad the economy is sports and politics always seem to create jobs. I like stable and reliable, probably because it's the opposite of what I tend to be.

While my experiences with fantasy baseball obsessed boyfriends have not been great, I willing to give it another chance. Really, they can't get much worse. And there's something about really nerdy, awkward guys that makes them better suited to deal with the emotional roller coaster that comes with dating me. Maybe it's that they are not used to having girlfriends and are willing to try harder. Whatever, Nate, if you are looking for a smart, cute, petite, strawberry blonde, who's slightly younger than you, let me know. I could see a move to Washington in your future with your political leanings, and that happens to be where I'm applying for jobs. It could be perfect.

— Meghan thinks Nate Silver should be the President Obama point person to fix the college football system. She loves nerds and also blogs about sports at Girls Don't Know Sports.

Kornheiser is in the bottom row to the left with the goofy hat and clutching the trophy like man who would only release it if you pried it from his cold, dead hands. He looks like any guy robbing a liquor story in a "Dirty Harry" movie. If only he would remove his hat, so we could see if the comb-over was in its early stages of development or still a few years away from being born.

*******

Now, let's watch Matt Sussman do that funny thing with his fingers and live blog us through the night.

Thanks. See you tomorrow. Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin and...The Fightins.

Go Phils.

Following a replay of the Felix Jones kickoff return for a touchdown with audio from the Spanish-language call of the game, Kornheiser said, “I took high-school Spanish, and that either means ‘nobody is going to touch him’ or ‘could you pick up my dry cleaning in the morning.’”

ESPN's official statement about it is, "After the comment was made our production team, including tony, discussed it. they agreed that making the apology was the right thing to do."

Okay. Is there some stereotype about Spanish people Latinos and dry cleaning that I don't know about? Kornheiser's subsequent apology seemed stilted and that he was completely annoyed to do it. It probably was a little overly cautious, but then again since it is Hispanic Heritage Month, you'd hate to anger the Spanish dry cleaning business owners out there with your pithy one-liners. I actually found Kornheiser's joke less offensive than listening to Mike Tirico over-enunciate Vaqueros.

Kornheiser Makes On-Air Apology [PFT]

Photo courtesy of Midwesterner's Guide To NYC

We hear that Tony Kornheiser's car was stolen from the ESPN garage in DC, last week causing "mad drama," to quote one source. He dropped his keys in the garage, someone took the car and now he's demanded extra security because he claims its a stalker.

Wow, that stalker was really lucky that TK dropped his car keys. In a wholly unrelated note, Joe Theismann has been released after questioning.

Kornheiser's Car: Stolen! [Media Bistro]
Tony Kornheiser's car may have been stolen by a "stalker" [Awful Announcing]

"I called my source back and they talked to the other people who were at Big Fish that night and corrected themselves, saying it was Kornheiser's wife who was worried that he might be "too famous" for the place, meaning they wouldn't be able to have a civilized meal without being bothered. (They were celebrating Kornheiser's 60th birthday this past weekend.) At this point, who knows if it's even true that his wife felt like that.

"With that said, I no longer have any confidence that he said, "I want what I want when I want it." Maybe the people who saw this exchange were Kornheiser haters, who knows. Either way, I wasn't there so I can't help clear these muddy waters. And since I actually enjoy Kornheiser's work, I think we should give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume he was being a crabby jackass on his 60th birthday."

Then another, unnamed source e-mails us late Tuesday and tells this version of events:

Following up on your post yesterday, I spoke with someone who was in the Big Fish Grill when Kornheiser was there. It turns out, the real story is a little different than the Pulp Culture blog had it. According to my source, Kornheiser and his wife went to the restaurant and when he saw that the only available table was at the front of the establishment, right in the view of everyone, he decided to leave and come back another time. After walking out, they were followed to the street by a tall gentleman who offered the couple a table behind the host station. Kornheiser obliged, was still spotted and signed a few autographs after sitting down.

As for the, "I want what I want when I want it," my source told me that is patently untrue. Tony ordered a dish on the menu and after eating some of his salad, was told that the dish was unavailable. When his waitress offered a replacement, he turned it down, stating that his salad was big enough. The waitress took it upon herself to go next door and get the fish for the dish. I was told that Tony was very thankful for the waitress, including an autograph on the menu for her boyfriend and a very handsome tip.

If there are any other witnesses who would like to step forward, we of course would be happy to air your views. But keep in mind, of course, that you must be holding the conch before you are allowed to speak ...

Tony Kornhesier Is Very Fussy About His Shellfish [Deadspin]

"I'm not all that good at it. I'm not as good as I'd like to be at it. I'm really not. I don't really care that much about football. And I understand that there's a game going on. And I think what I'm best at, the kind of yodeling that I'm best at is in a little bit of a longer form than is allowed in a football booth. And there's three people in there and I'm the third guy and, you know, and all of those years having a radio show and all of those years writing a column I'm used to having the microphone pretty much all to myself. And, so, it might not be the best circumstance for me. I'd like to think I got better at it. But frankly, it may not be the best thing for me."

So, will this be his last year in the booth? He seems to give off the impression that his time is short. That would be a shame because he does add some much-needed levity and insight into that booth. But, jeez, it looks like one of the most coveted positions in sports media will once again be for the taking — probably by someone who, you know, actually likes football.

Listen to the segment here.

Tony Kornheiser Has Hernia — Lands On DL [On The DL]

After an interview with the On The DL's podcast show yesterday, it appears that the comforting student-teacher friendship these two once had is gone forever:

With Tony [Kornheiser] it’s been more problematic and it goes beyond that, but as I like to tell people about Tony, who I’ve known forever and haven’t now for, actually, several months – if not more than a year – to paraphrase Tony Soprano in The Sopranos, about his mother, ‘Tony is dead to me.’

Looks like somebody has to call a sit-down between these two.

Thoughts on Kornheiser [On The DL]

Kornheiser announced it on his radio show this morning.

"All I ever wanted to be was a newspaper writer," he said, which is not something that anyone under the age of 30 will ever say again. "This other stuff is great, but I don't care about it," he continued. "In my mind that's what it says on the headstone, it says 'newspaper guy.' "

But he also said he signed the papers to take the Post's buyout last night. He said he still might contract with The Post to do his Talking Points videos and his Page 2 excerpts, and he said some people in the leadership asked him to stay but didn't really insist, and he said he feared he'd never have the moral high ground again. And, as any longtime listeners would expect, he was plenty wistful when discussing what happened yesterday. "There was not enough wine in the world, there wasn't, not last night," he said.

How sad: Not only does Kornheiser have to announce his buyout, but he has to do it while hungover.

We appreciate Kornheiser's sadness about all this, and can't imagine how it must feel. Though, to be fair, we suspect his buyout package, along with the ESPN and radio money, should make for quite a comfortable golden parachute; the column seemed to be getting in the way of everything else anyway. We should hope that everyone else being bought out at newspapers across the country, the arts critics, the beat reporters, so on, so forth, will be so fortunate.

But godspeed, Tony: We'll miss the columns. Though we suspect we'll still be seeing you, oh, about as often as we do now.

Kornheiser Takes Buyout [DC Sports Bog]

We loved how, postgame, Tom Brady claimed that he heard the whistle before his fourth-and-1 call, and that's why he didn't get the first down. Right. It's impressive that the Patriots' search for dominance is so complete that they can't even admit that things went wrong when they didn't officially happen. They're not just undefeated; they're ministers of information.

And say what you will about ESPN, but their telecast matched the spectacle last night. They will never, ever have a more timely guest in the booth than Don Shula, watching the Pats threaten his most enduring legacy in the city where he became famous. When the Ravens scored in the third fourth quarter to take a touchdown lead, Tony Kornheiser pointed out that Shula had grabbed his back in excitement. Shula pretended like he wasn't rooting against anybody ... but we knew. It was an exhilarating game, and it's exactly why, ultimately, the Patriots are great for the NFL this year. Everything they do is now draped in history and drama, and they're going to be unmissable, pretty much for the next two months. We can't wait.

Because he wants to focus on ... his other TV and radio gigs!

DCRTV is hearing more rumblings that Washington Post superstar sports columnist Tony Kornheiser will not be returning to ESPN's "Monday Night Football" next season. We're told that Kornheiser wants to focus on his local morning radio show, which resumes on new talker 3WT in January, and on his ESPN "PTI" afternoon TV program. Kornheiser's decision to give up the "MNF" color spot could cause some hurt feelings at ESPN, which removed sports media rival and former Redskin great Joe Theismann from the "MNF" broadcast booth before this season's shows started. However, Kornheiser has publicly said that he and Theismann have a friendly relationship.

It would seem a shame, to us, if we went through all this just so we could go back to playing the old, "Kornheiser says something over-the-top anytime he wants a paid 'suspension,'" game. We're all a bit old for that now, aren't we Tony? That said: If this is true, we're one step closer to Frank Caliendo in the MNF booth. Admit it, it feels inevitable.

Kornheiser Leaving MNF? [DCRTV]

The charges, as levied by Rockies blog The Latest Word. First, Dinger:

We here in Denver play home to the absolutely worst carpet-covered, shit-and-Febreze-smelling, sorry excuse for a cheerleading, anthropomorphized cartoon fossil. We even have a state dinosaur and the Rockies couldn't even bring themselves to put an androgynous stegasaurus in a jersey with no pants.

And on Kornheiser:

Like most sports commentators, Tony Kornheiser is too busy falling all over himself for the Phillies, or, more accurately, reporting the Mets "historic collapse" like it was the fall of the Alamo. Kornheiser is self-deprecating enough to confess his East Coast bias and admit his pick of the Phillies over the Rockies is due in large part because "I can't name anybody on the other team." But to claim an inconclusive call at home plate is the primary reason the Rockies are in the post-season, or, worst yet, imply that a World Championship would be tainted because of it, is to misrepresent the Rockies entire storyline to millions of viewers.

It does indeed seem ludicrous to imply that, in an age of rampant steroid abuse, that Monday's call at home plate on Matt Holliday would somehow taint the rest of the playoffs.

As for Dinger, the most efficient way to get rid of him is to alert Barney's copyright lawyers as to his existence.

Petition To The Rockies Concerning The Killing Of Dinger [The Latest Word]
Pardon This Interruption, Bitch [The Latest Word]

Yes, the addition of Ron Jaworski to the booth has already dramatically altered the whole dynamic in there. (We're not the only skeptic turning around on this.) Jaworski looses up Tony Kornheiser — he, lo, laughs at his jokes! What a concept! — and lets Mike Tirico work as a sort of moderator (which is what he does best), but what he brings most to the contest is ... well, he actually knows what he's talking about. He breaks down plays in a smart, accessible way, without sounding like a snot about it. He's likable and informative. See? It's really not that hard.

The jury is still out — it was just one preseason game, after all — but yeah: We might have to get used to not despising the entire "Monday Night Football" crew, people.

Official "MNF" Review: Game One [Awful Announcing]

Tony loves Ron, Ron loves Tony, everybody loves Mike and Tony hates himself. Should be quite the show.

"More than anything else, I hope it's fun, and Jaws' personality seems to lend itself to fun. As neurotic as I am, as pessimistic as I am, as cynical and subversive as I am, I have fun doing those [games]. Jaws and I can have fun together.

"There is no chance [Jaworski will make Kornheiser more optimistic]. I'm going to be like Darth Vader and welcome him to the dark side. I'm going to be, 'Come and see the music of the night. I am the Phantom of the Opera.'"

We're gonna go ahead and ask somebody out there to do a Kornheiser Phantom of the Opera photoshop now.

We think this year's crew can't help but improve with Theismann's absence, particularly with the likable and smart Jaworski in there, but we still love that supreme leader John Skipper watched the whole practice session. He seems optimistic, as long as Kornheiser puts the correct cover sheet on his expense reports.

New Monday Night Football Crew Will Have Some Fun [Newsday]

Theismann, in an interview with Shapiro, says he still doesn't understand why he was taken off the show and replaced by Ron Jaworski.

"It was a total and complete shock to me that they were going to make a change. They told me they wanted to make the show more issue-oriented, I asked them 'was it the quality of my work?' They said no. They said they noticed that when they studied the tape, when it came back to me, I talked about football. I guess that was the problem, but you'll have to ask them.

"Hey, I'm a football guy. It's what I do. To say I'm not disappointed would not be correct. I'm very disappointed. I believe that 100 percent of the audience, whether it's Sunday night or Monday, wants to be entertained and educated about football. We have enough shows on ESPN about issues all over the place. To me, when you call it Monday Night Football, the expectation of the fan is to see football, and hear about football."

We think the answer is simple, Joe. When John Skipper — a true leader! — and Norby Williamson — Norby! — told you they wanted the show to be more "issue-oriented," what they really meant was, "Jaworski is so much freaking better than you at this. Oh, and Kornheiser can't stand you."

Theismann says he won't be doing any on-screen NFL work for the network, though he will still be paid by the network. Poor guy.

Theismann Benched By ESPN [Washington Post]

But it's people like him that are targeted by The Phoenix in this, their list of the 100 Unsexiest Men in America. It's littered with names from the sports world, including Curt Schilling, John Kruk, George Steinbrenner, Tony Kornheiser, and the afore-mentioned Ronaldinho.

55. Ronaldinho. The world's greatest soccer player is so ugly, even his action figure has buck teeth. Kissing him must be like getting kicked in the face by a donkey.

Goodness.

I hope the people included wouldn't take it too seriously. I know women willing to do at least two of the people listed here, Colin Meloy and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Not at the same time. I don't think.

Myself, I really don't care a lot about the sexy quotient of people like SportsCenter anchors, and I wouldn't care if Chris Berman (who did make the list) spontaneously grew 9 fungus-ridden big toes out of his forehead, if he agreed to not ruin this year's NFL Draft by tipping off every pick before it happens, we could be best friends.

The 100 Unsexiest Men 2007 [The Phoenix]
The Ugly Truth [Foul Balls]

A Super Bowl-winning quarterback with the Redskins and ESPN NFL commentator since 1988, Theismann, 57, was apparently informed of his removal on Friday. But Newsday quoted an ESPN spokesman as saying "we have nothing to announce."

As anyone who has listened to Theismann talk over the last few years knows, this was a long overdue move. (We hope that Theismann kid can land on his feet.) We're not sure Jaworski is necessarily going to make Tony Kornheiser any better ... but it certainly can't hurt.

Theismann Out Of MNF Booth [New York Times]
But Who Will Exchange Witty Banter With Jim Belushi? [Deadspin]

Norby Williamson, an ESPN executive vice president, confirmed that the network wants him, saying through a spokesman: "Tony's one-of-a-kind perspective was an integral part of our record-setting inaugural 'Monday Night Football' season. We are absolutely looking forward to his return."

(Norby!)

Unfortunately, Joe Theismann will be returning as well (as will Mike Tirico). Here's hoping Tony dials it up in the offseason and makes driving Theismann slowly mad his singular, obsessive focus. It's your prime directive, Tony, and it's all we ask. It shouldn't be that hard.

Kornheiser Back On Monday Night Football [Newsday]

For all the talk of Brett Favre and Matt Hasselbeck and a dogged night from Shaun Alexander, the main impression we took from last night's MNF Seahawks' win over the Packers was: SNOW! Screw Thanksgiving: We know the holidays are really upon us when it's snowing real hard and people are falling over and you can see everyone's breath and ... aw, man, how happy are we that Chicago's going to be hosting playoff games in January?

The game itself was rather entertaining, for a mismatch in late November, and the Favre love wasn't as overwhelming as we feared it would be; the famous late-father Raiders game was only mentioned once, and not in too nauseating of detail.

However, a note on Jimmy Kimmel, who was the Celebrity Guest in the booth this week. We have our own history with Kimmel, but we have no particularly animus or affinity toward him. But last night, in about five minutes, he singlehandedly desconstructed and destroyed the Tony Kornheiser experiment. Kimmel was funnier than Kornheiser, more knowledgeable about football than Kornheiser and, in the real moment that mattered, more willing to take on Joe Theismann than Kornheiser (which is the real crime). After yet another ridiculous Theismann statement, Kornheiser remained silent until Kimmel, who couldn't help himself, said, "Well, I don't know about that, Joe." And then, as if awakened, Kornheiser said, "Yeah! What about that, Joe?" And then Theismann had to backtrack. If the late-night talk show thing doesn't work out, we'll nominate Kimmel to take over in the MNF booth. OK, him or Christian Slater.

(Getty Images Photo)

That said, last night's MNF game between Carolina and Tampa Bay was aggressively boring; we give credit for a yeoman's effort by ESPN to come up with a headline that said so without saying so: "Carolina gets win, but there's room for improvement." (Yes: Also, Tampa Bay lost, and there's room for regression. And footballs were thrown, but there's opportunity for them to be handed off as well.) When in doubt on what to write about following a Monday night game, we can always hit the old standby: The announcers. At The Fanhouse, The Mighty MJD contorts himself to write something some of us couldn't help but think: Joe Theismann is currently a stronger broadcaster than Tony Kornheiser. Ugh. We think we need a shower after typing that.

Carolina Wins, But There's Room For Improvement [ESPN]
The Kornheiser Chronicles: Week 10 [The Fanhouse]

[Monday night], during one of the greatest NFL comebacks ever, the MNF crew reached its nadir. While the Bears stormed back, TK and Theismann could only muster the most annoyingly obvious statements about how incredible the comeback was. Sure, the comeback nearly rendered everyone speechless, but somehow, we think Jaws and Vermeil would have been able to provide something remotely interesting.

We remain fond of Kornheiser, but Monday's game was damning proof that the team has somehow gotten worse as it has gone along rather than better. On the whole, actually, we think ESPN has squeezed every last drop out of the "Monday Night Football" franchise, for the better; it still feels like an event, which is not what we were expecting. But yeah: Something is gonna have to change soon, because this kind of isn't working. Is Vermeil still available?

Can The JV MNF Crew Start Warming Up In The Pen [The Big Lead]

The Big Lead, which has really been sizzling of late, has come across this bizarre, soundless video of "Monday Night Football" and grumpy gus Tony Kornheiser being approached by a panhandler in a Jacksonville restaurant.

We're not sure why this video is so mesmerizing, particularly since it's just a drunk guy bothering a bald guy in an eating establishment. But yet, it is, somehow. And considering what Kornheiser has had to say about Jacksonville in the past, he had to have been somewhat nervous. We would have been.

By the way ... are restaurant surveillance videos going up on YouTube now? YIPES.

Tony Kornheiser, Supposedly Being Approached By a Bum While Dining in Jacksonville [The Big Lead]
What's That Smell? Jacksonville [Washington Post]

As one might expect, much of the broadcast concerned Roethlisberger, particular that darned appendix. The good souls at CooterPunch actually have video of Michele Tafoya's in-depth report on all matters Roethlisberger appendix, and may it please be the last time the phrase "large intenstine" appears on a "Monday Night Football" broadcast.

By the way, we continue to await Tony Kornheiser cutting loose, or doing much of anything, on these broadcasts. As The Mighty MJD put it at The Fanhouse last night, "he's got to stop approaching this like he's Trent Dilfer, and start going after it like Brett Favre."

Monday Night Football Appendectomy [CooterPunch]
The Kornheiser Chronicles, Week 2 [The Fanhouse]

Tony Kornheiser sounded like he'd been broadcasting for a heckuva lot longer than Joe Theismann — listening to the two of the them talk, we keep hearing Mortal Kombat's "FINISH HIM!!!!" in our brains; the question is not whether Kornheiser could destroy Theismann on air, the question is whether he actually wants to — and in the late game, Dick Vermeil was a surprising joy, smart, funny and kinda, we dunno, warm. Seriously, did that broadcast team even have time to practice? And they were still the best we've heard so far.

As for the games, well, if we were Redskins fans, we'd be deeply concerned, and it's not just the Cruise thing. But that's better than being a fan of the Raiders, whom, after last night's game, we're pretty comfortable with calling them the Illini of the NFL. Perhaps they should device a new way to punt.

Vermeil On Monday Night Football [Off Wing Opinion]

We're much bigger fans, however, of Gene Weingarten's satirical "review" in today's Washington Post:

During the opening moments of preseason play between the Cowboys and Saints, Kornheiser observed, matter-of-factly, that it was "five thousand degrees" on the field in Shreveport. Five thousand degrees? It could not have been more than 90. At 5,000 degrees, Tony, steel melts. The entire stadium and everyone in it would have been incinerated — including Kornheiser. The viewers, alas, had no such luck.

If this guy writes a review of Kornheiser every week, we're gonna really enjoy this.

Yo, Tony! I'm Talkin' About You! [Washington Post]
On Second Thought ... [Awful Announcing]

(UPDATE: As several people have pointed out, Weingarten's chat transcript is just as entertaining.)

"A couple of my colleagues have said, 'Ooh, look out for Kornheiser, he's going to be mad at you,'" says Farhi. "He's a big boy. He can take it."

Farhi also told Kornheiser that he should think about "getting a tan," which is a strange thing to say about a guy who just won a battle with skin cancer. But the point remains: Considering most people — us included — very much enjoyed Kornheiser and have said so publicly, why does he seem so thin-skinned?

Perhaps the tale of Slate's Stephen Rodrick can be illustrative. Rodrick wrote a column in early 2005 criticizing print journalists for cashing in from ESPN and getting lazy, a column that at the time seemed scandalous but now seems, frankly, obvious. Kornheiser, at the time, exploded on Rodrick, calling for his firing on his radio show. (Rodrick wasn't even that hard on Kornheiser, saving most of his vitriol for Stephen A. Smith.) Remember, too, Kornheiser's one-sided feud with Chuck Klosterman late last year.

Listen, Tony: We like you. We really like you. Relax.

Whaddya Mean, Don't Quit My Day Job? [Washington Post]
Farhi Scores Clean Tackle [CJR Daily]

The most vocal critic before last night was Mike Golic, who complained that Kornheiser wasn't a former player, because that has done wonders for, say, Joe Morgan. But more noteworthy today is the soon-to-be-infamous Paul Farhi review in Kornheiser's Washington Post, which said Kornheiser "mostly spluttered" and advised him to get a tan. Kornheiser, on Dan Patrick's radio show today, fired back by mentioning that Golic should be "hung on a meat hook" and absolutely hammeringFarhi.

But they're not the only ones wary of Kornheiser: The Big Lead quotes an industry insider who thinks this could end in disaster and says TV professionals think he tanked badly:

Tony has spent the last 10 years on radio and TV railing about how he doesn't pay attention to sports, and how he's in bed at 9 pm. But as a sports personality who is going to be calling a 3-hour game, you better be passionate as hell, because people need to feel it on TV. It doesn't seem like Tony has a passion for football. It sure wasn't there last night. Dennis Miller didn't have it either. This might be worse than Dennis Miller.

To be fair, we think it would be physically impossible to be less "passionate" than Mike Tirico last night and, after all, it was a preseason game. But the professional-TV-people-hating-Kornheiser angle is a fascinating one, and one well worth keeping an eye on.

The TV Folks Aren't Impressed With Kornheiser's MNF Debut [The Big Lead]
(Almost) Everybody Loves Kornheiser [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: On "Pardon The Interruption" just now, after the intro (in which Wilbon gave Kornheiser a C+), Kornheiser said "You try broadcasting a football game with Theismann's hand on your thigh!"

Ha. Yeah, we think he's gonna be JUST fine.)

• New York Times: "Kornheiser, open-eyed, fit in well. He didn't sound scripted, and never appeared so eager to get his air time that he trampled on Joe Theismann's. He left the game-calling to Mike Tirico and the analysis to Theismann while carving out his natural territory as a snarky, but not irritating, commentator who will keep track of story lines and ask Theismann to explain terms like the silent snap count."

• Los Angeles Times: "And the star is newcomer Tony Kornheiser. He was the focal point of the telecast, and all things considered, he not only survived but was pretty good."

• Associated Press: "Tony Kornheiser had to be better than the short-lived sitcom loosely based on his life. And he was. Much better. And that's even putting aside such a low standard as 'Listen Up.'"

• USA Today: "He sounded like he'd done enough prep work to reasonably comment on what amounts to a glorified NFL practice. And Kornheiser was as good as the action itself."

As for us, we thought Kornheiser was good too, but what's really obvious is that this team is going to rise and fall by how much Kornheiser annoys Theismann. Honestly, these two are really not citizens of the same planet, and if the tension level can keep being elevated weekly from the point it was last night, Theismann's gonna have a Howard Beale moment. Kornheiser should go into every broadcast with the same mantra rattling around his head: "Annoy Theismann. Annoy Theismann. Annoy Theismann." We could have listened to the Bob Newhart/Bed And Breakfast "debate" for an hour. (Hey, Joe: He's kidding, you dolt.) Theismann appears more than willing (unable to stop?) to be baited by Kornheiser and that, friends, is what's going to make this team click.

You know all those things you've been wanting to scream at Theismann during his broadcasts all those years? Kornheiser's going to say them, it appears. Outstanding.

(UPDATE: Kornheiser's own paper is considerably less kind.)

Many of us gathered our first glimpse of the crew working together during "SportsCenter" this morning, in which we learned that everyone on set has bizarre hair and that Kornheiser is not opposed to the occasional dramatic pause to put on his glasses.

Kornheiser's schtick of late has been to note that he doesn't know anything about football, that'll he'll be terrible, that he never stays awake for games, so on, what forth. But we remain optimistic that he'll be fun, at least for a while; in a pinch, he can always just fall back on a fun touchdown call.

Monday Night Hair [Choke Artist]
CBS Does Something Smart, World Stops [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
Tony Kornheiser Is Into Leather [Deadspin]

Whenever Mike Wilbon or Tony Kornheiser utters the statement "Your Boy," take a swig of beer.
When a dirty old man homily or anecdote is uttered by TK, take a swig. When Wilbon says a dirty old man homily or anecdote, take a shot.
If there is a guest host subbing in, take a shot.
Every time either man says "Sawx" in that weird ass way swig.

There's a bunch more, even an "Around the Horn" drinking game. Our favorite observation, however, is that Bill Simmons looks vaguely like Mark Linn-Baker from "Perfect Strangers." Other than the hair, he kind of does.

ESPN Drinking Games [Deadly Hippos]

Forgive us, we've been traveling for a few days and have missed a couple episodes of "Pardon The Interruption." Could someone please explain what Tony Kornheiser is doing here?

We don't even mind; it's strangely hypnotic. We just ... don't ... understand.

Tony Kornheiser Does The Penguin Dance [YouTube]

As you might expect, several sports figures made the list, topped by Randy Johnson, who comes in at No. 2. The paper says, "If he couldn't throw a ball 100 miles per hour, Johnson would be wearing a wife beater and getting hauled into a squad car on Cops." Others include:

• 29. Don Zimmer. "The gerbil's got a massive, ivory-white noggin' that never did much thinking to begin with."
• 30. Tony Kornheiser: "Yes, calling sportswriters unattractive is like shooting fish in a barrel. But come on, he looks like your uncle. "

Also making the cut: Julian Tavarez, Willie McGee (no!), Scottie Pippen, Jeff Van Gundy and John Clayton. Congratulations, all.

The 100 Unsexiest Men In The World [Boston Phoenix]
I'm Hideous, Look Away [The Everyday Joe]

Well, we should have known: Kornheiser. Figures.

On his radio show this morning, Kornheiser, who of course will be on "Monday Night Football" this fall if he doesn't manage to piss off everyone in Bristol to the point that somebody shoots him, joked that his touchdown call should be, "You're with me, leather."

Oh, man, can we not wait until Kornheiser throws it back to the studio for halftime this year. The production meetings for "MNF" are just gonna rule.

(You can catch a rebroadcast of the show right here. We're told the reference should show up sometime between 12:30 and 1 p.m. ET. )

"You're With Me, Leather" [Deadspin]
He ... Could ... Go ... All ... The ... Way ... [Deadspin]
Tony Kornheiser Radio Show [SportsTalk 980]

The first trip to Seattle I didn't want to have to fly to, but there's no studio en route from Minneapolis from which to do PTI. I wanted to see the Dakotas and Montana and Idaho, and places I've never been. But apparently I have to "man up" and board a plane, which my producer will board with me. The second trip to Seattle is a no-hoper. I have to fly. And then I have to fly back here. Please pray for me. I should quit right now. And after you see me on my first telecast, you'll wish I had.

A producer boarding the plane with Kornheiser is one solution. We prefer this one: Kornheiser forced to sit in between Michelle Tafoya and Suzy Kobler for the duration of the cross-country flight, taking questions like, "How are you feeling about the first half of this flight tonight?" and "What's going wrong out there today?" By the end of the flight, Kornheiser will be in full Joe Namath delirious mode, finally preparing him for what life in a booth with Joe Theismann will really be like.

ESPN Goes With Three-Man MNF Team [ESPN]
Look, It's A Big Sheet Of NFL Lists! [Deadspin]

We're of two minds on this move, actually. First off, Kornheiser's ascent from scribbling quipster to multimedia ESPN "personality" is precisely the type of thing we're always lamenting; the eroding of interesting viewpoints for the sake of having the opportunity to scream on television. Yet ... we'll confess that we like Kornheiser. He's a little bit of a loose cannon for ESPN — something which will almost certainly come up at some point this year — and we've always found him a funny writer. We're not sure exactly what he's going to bring to the broadcast — he seems like a type of broadcast tweener, not enough Dennis Miller to be a jokester but not enough Dan Fouts to be an analyst either — but if they're going to change everything around anyway, might as well give him a shot.

As long as Jason Alexander isn't allowed to get anywhere near the booth.

Kornheiser To Join "MNF" [Washington Post]

(By the way, we found it incredibly strange that in the ESPN story, Al Michaels — who has only worked for the ABC family of networks for 20-plus years — only gets a cursory "oh, yeah, by the way, he's leaving too" mention. Makes one wonder just how sad everyone over there is to see him out the door.)

• Proof that Woody Paige can be amusing. "Several years ago, (Woody Paige) was sitting at a hotel bar when a scantily dressed woman sidled up to him and said, 'Hey, honey, I'll do anything you want for $100.' Replied Woody: 'Sounds good. I'm in Room 123. Go up and write a column and a sidebar.' " [Orlando Sentinel]

• If you're anything like me, you love NBA violence. Particularly when it's slowed down and set to rap music. [Wimp.com]

• Tony Kornheiser becoming a part of ESPN's upcoming Monday Night Football booth now looks like it's official. I hope someone programs him to kill Joe Theismann much like someone once programmed Reggie Jackson to kill the queen. [dcrtv.com]

• A Chicago Cubs fun takes a dive through a big trough of urine. Because... well, I'm not sure why. But he did it. And it makes me uncomfortable. [YouTube]

• Eugene Chung and Darko Milicic are characters in a Super Bowl novella. Yes, you read that correctly. And yes, it's as disturbing and as cool as it sounds. [Coyote Writers]

To recap: In his Page 2 column last month — a good column, though we still love the most recent one, particularly the line about Kobe Bryant and the Lakers being like an eighth grade team and Kobe being the kid with a mustache — Klosterman (gently) took Kornheiser to task for an inconsistent (and inexplicable) view on the NBA's dress code. A blogger (because they're always the ones causing all the trouble) sent the Kornheiser show an email about the column, and, because it's really hard to fill hours of airtime, Kornheiser went ballistic on the air, demanding Klosterman call into the show and defend himself.

Now Kornheiser is in day three of his on-air rants, calling ESPN.com for comment and continuing to stomp his radio wave feet. No word from Klosterman yet, though we'd have to think the guy's too busy to listen to sports talk radio all day. It's funny, too, because we'd have to think Kornheiser and Klosterman would be kindred spirits, separated by a couple of decades. If "Saved By The Bell" had been on in 1978, we're sure Kornheiser would have been all over it. We doubt he would have like Dokken much, though.

Oops, What Have I Done? [To The People]
Just Keep My Sports The Same [Page 2]

First, a look at his HITS:

• "Pardon The Interruption." You can hate this show for what it spawned — and we'll get into that a little later today — but the combination of Kornheiser and Wilbon continues to enlighten and amuse. Imagine if it had been Kornheiser and Mike Lupica, as it has been rumored was the original combination. (We've often wondered if Lupica, once the golden boy of those middle-aged sportswriters, looks around at the TV success of Kornheiser, Albom, Feinstein, et al, and dreams of stabbing them in their sleep.)
• "Monday Night Football" on ESPN. We're all terrified of Joe Theismann as the NFL's flagship analyst, and on the whole it will be strange that you'll have to pay for cable to watch MNF. But it was an aggressive move that ensures the network will remain at the forefront of televised sports for years to come.
• "Playmakers" and "3". The other original movies and shows were clunkers, but despite the NFL's protests, "Playmakers" scored big ratings, and pretty much everyone we know back in Southern Illinois owns "3" on DVD.
• Dropping the NHL. The extended labor woes for the league lowered the value of any possible deal to the point that an obscure cable network specializing in fishing shows and "Survivor" reruns was able to scoop him the remnants. You could make an argument that the Outdoor Life Network could use the NHL to build a challenge to ESPN's supremacy ... but we're not even sure NHL commish Gary Bettman could say that with a straight face.

Have any thoughts on Shapiro's hits or misses of your own? Let us know at tips@deadspin.com.

The Doc Is Not In [NY Post] (second item)

(Later today: The Misses)

You can do a lot with $25,000. You can provide food for starving Africans before Sally Struthers eats them first. You can buy 1,518 copies of Bill Simmons new book (not counting shipping, which is probably a bitch). You can even join 2,500,000 of those record clubs where you get 11 CDs for a penny.

You can also hire ESPN anchor Stuart Scott to come speak at your corporate function. The site HireSportsSpeakers.com allows you to bring your favorite ESPN personalities to come talk to you and your fellow corporate drones about leadership, teamwork or, you know, just how to read off a Teleprompter. The site serves as a broker between corporations and sports personalities, negotiating their fees and putting together their schedules.

One would think that paying Stuart Scott $25,000 plus "travel is almost always on top of the fees, usually something like first class for two, ground transportation and hotel" to do anything other than promise never to use the terms "pillow," "cool," "boo" or "yah" again would be somewhat excessive. But Scott isn t even the most expensive anchor on his own network. In fact, he s not even close.

Full list of top ESPN anchors/sports personalities and their speakers fees after the jump. Start saving those pennies for Tom Tolbert now!

The appearance fees for major "sports personalities."

$15,000 and below
Mitch Gaylord - $10,000
Greg Gumbel - $15,000
Ron Jaworski - $10,000
Tony Kornheiser - $15,000
Tom Tolbert - $15,000

For a guy who has a sitcom based on his life — albeit a pretty unwatchable one — we think that's a pretty good price. Well, relatively speaking. By the way ... Mitch Gaylord! Still alive, we guess. Good for him.

$20,000-$30,000
James Brown - $30,000
Rich Eisen - $25,000
Roy Firestone - $22,000
Marion Jones - $20,000
Jim Nantz - $25,000
Dan Patrick - $30,000
Rick Reilly - $25,000
Stuart Scott — $25,000

We don't know how much Dan Patrick made for his Hair Care For Men ads, or, for that matter, how much Rick Reilly got for encouraging his readers to become drunken idiots, but it couldn't have been too far from this amount. By the way, Reilly's amount is probably around the starting salary for entry-level print journalists in this country, if you were wondering what that collective "pounding-head-against-desk" sound was.

$40,000-$50,000
Mitch Albom - $40,000
Chris Berman - $50,000
Jim Rome - $40,000

You know, we wonder if Mitch Albom actually has to be there giving the speech to collect his cash, or if he can just say he was there.

$50,000 and above
Bob Costas - $60,500
Al Michaels - $75,000

For an extra 10 grand, Bob Costas will promise not to lecture you about your lack of class and decorum. Don't worry, though; he brings his own stepstool for the podium.

Just For Fun
Leslie Nielsen - $70,000

Enrico! Pallazzo! Enrico! Pallazzo!

HireSportsSpeakers.com [Official Site]