So we've got our Celtics/Lakers finals, the great window to the past opening up, and skeptics griping about a rigged playoffs. It's Kobe proving he can win without Shaq, and Kevin Garnett looking for that ring to make whole his Hall of Fame career. The ratings will be through the ceiling, which delights Stern and bolsters paranoia, and the level of competition will be high. Those looking to bitch about unfairness get exactly what they want, as do those in favor of big names and entrenched storylines.

Still, this has got to be one of the most misunderstood matchups since disinformation and basketball first came together on the snowy streets of Buffalo in 1973.

I'll be shocked if this hasn't been said already, but where exactly is the fix? Boston and Los Angeles rolled through the regular season and were seeded first in their respective conferences. Unless the entire 82 games, and the key trades that transformed these ailing giants, were also orchestrated in the shadows, here the two best teams made it to the final bracket. Not exactly consistent with the topsy-turvy logic we like prevailing in our postseasons — in March Madness, or the NFL playoffs, a lack of unpredictability is seen as unsettling, false.

Yet after weeks of seven-game series, why wouldn't you expect to see these two standing? I know, Barry was sort of robbed, but so was Fisher on the play before. A team shouldn't ever count on human error falling their way to put them over the top in the playoffs.

What's more, if this whole show had been manipulated from start to finish to stoke ratings and benefit the league's marketing plan, why have we had a ceaseless slog of seven-game battles where the home team won every team, often by a wide margin? Fuck going back to the five-game opening round; 2007-08 made a convincing case for skipping straight to game seven. Still, you couldn't have given fans less incentive to watch games if you'd wanted to. God himself could not have devised a bigger deterrent, one that die-hards — those who can usually be counted on no matter what — were especially aware of. It's telling that the Lakers broke this mold, and the Celtics showed signs in the conference finals.

And then there's the Kobe vs. Garnett battles of the narratives, each supposedly needing more than life itself to capture the crown and validate their respective careers. Kobe's already cheerfully brushing off the questions about how sweet it is to win solo; it's bad PR for him to even go there, but more fairly, his MVP campaign was about bringing a team up with him. In a way, that was more of a moral victory than supreme gunner KB24, sans Shaq champion, would ever have been.

Certainly, this has boosted his stock, his likeability quotient, and quieted some doubters in a way that an Iverson-ian run to the finish line never would have. Not to say that Bryant isn't driven to get this one, but he knows this team is young, and still growing. There's a foundation, and a future, here. When you hear him interviewed, there's a lightness there that speaks to both relief and patience — not traits we usually associate with the Mamba's strategic reserve of venom and power. The suspense level has already been tamped down.

The Garnett hub-bub, I feel, is horribly misplaced. That's not just because I don't like what's happened to his game in Boston (go ahead, get stuck on that sentence), whether it's by design or the grace of old age and wisdom. KG has had some strong games this postseason, and we all know he changed the culture of the Celtics, and suddenly is a hair away from Bill Russell. But really, it's Paul Pierce who could suddenly have his entire career transformed by this Finals' outcome.

That over-emotive Rivers/Pierce embrace at the end of game six told you everything you need to know about the real energy here. Paul Pierce has been a Celtic forever. He's been through ups and downs, but no one's said that KG and Allen were brought on to let Pierce realize his inner dignity. He's a distant third on the sentimental pecking order, which is a complete and total injustice. As a whole, his career makes for great halftime material: Underrated on draft night, almost died from a stabbing, excelling with a relative lack of fanfare, suffered through some doldrums just as Garnett did, dealt with criticism, and now, is the real moral center of this series.

He should be the pride of the Celtics, and as a Los Angeles native, this series couldn't have higher stakes for him. Checks the stats; as Nate Jones reminded me, dude's always energized by playing in front of the city he still loves. Pierce is about to hijack these finals the way Tony Parker so often with the Spurs, making himself into the marquee name when there's a surefire Hall of Famer defining his legacy.

As much as Garnett wants that ring, or feels Green pride, no one sane thinks him any less than one of the Fifty Greatest. It's a slippery slope to handicap would've, could've, but Garnett's tenure in Minnesota is the definition of unassailable, brain-scrambling valor in the face of defeat. He's changed the way positions are thought of, shown a versatility at both ends of the floor that was hitherto unimaginable, brought on the high school revolution (great for any team or player smart about it), and done more for a bad team than any team ever. What's more, he did it in a way everyone can respect, carrying a team without ever fully embracing his role as the number one option, always elevating his cohorts.

The one lasting knock on Garnett, one that's reared its head throughout his career, is his lack of clutch-ness. Certainly, that's come up during these playoffs; KG shows up late just often enough to suggest he could do it more. Yet Garnett just isn't an indomitable scorer, especially not now, when the jump shot's become his main weapon. If the Celtics win, it's not going to be because KG suddenly learned to his game-winners. It would prove, as the Cassell/Sprewell team did with far less, that he's mortal and needs that supplement to turn a Garnett joint into a powerhouse. Kind of like Bill Russell.

Pierce, on the other hand, is that kind of fearless scorer. Always has been, without ever getting the recognition he deserved. And unless he explodes for 40, he's taken for granted on this team. It's all about Allen's slump, or Garnett's shooting late. Who bails them out every single time? Paul Pierce. And why? He's a vastly underrated force who, if he rides this wave of feeling and runs shit at home and away, could once and for all announce his worth to this franchise. A Celtics championship will add to Garnett's resume, complete it in the way it's always deserved. But it's not going to alter our sense of him (as a T-Mac ring would).

But for Pierce, it would insert him into that "greatest Celtics ever" conversation. He'll be the one who counterbalances the MVP, the one making shots down the stretch, and the guy with the ball in his hands when things matter most. No one will blame him if they lose. Hopefully, though, if Boston takes this one, Pierce will finally get his due. Even from those of us who have paid him lip service for years now.

'Sheed's potty mouth. Rasheed got T'd up and T'd off in Game 5, leading to the following "expletive-laced tirade" during his postgame meltdown: "All that (expletive) calls they had out there, with Mike (Callahan) and Kenny (Mauer) you've all seen that (expletive). You saw them calls. The cats are flopping all over the floor and they're calling that (expletive). That (expletive) ain't basketball out there. It's all (expletive) entertainment. You all should know that (expletive). It's all (expletive) entertainment." Yup. 'Sheed is (expletive) awesome! Only one problem. He's (expletive) one technical foul away from being (expletive) suspended for one game. Think he'll be on his best behavior tonight? Heh...then you don't know 'Sheed.

Flip Saunders, millionaire babysitter. Don't worry, Pistons fans. Flip's gonna get 'Sheed in line. "Usually when he gets this close in those types of situations, he knows to try to tone it down a little. I'll talk to him." Oh. You'll talk to him. Well, okay then. Problem totally solved. (Note Flip's use of the words "usually" and "try"...)

Ray Allen's love story. His prodigal jump shot returned for Game 5, and Ray made sweet, sweet love to it: 29 points, 9-for-15 from the field, and 5-for-6 from that errogenous zone beyond the arc. The Celtics will need him to keep strokin' it if they're going to come through in Detroit.

Flip Saunders, drama queen. Flip is still flippin' the you-know-what out about that bear-hug foul Paul Pierce committed against Chauncey Billups. "I told the referee when I was standing there, 'We've got New England Patriots that are here. (Tedy) Bruschi had a tackle like that in the Super Bowl. So I don't think that's allowed in basketball." In other news, Flip would also like the league to look into that foul Kevin McHale committed against Kurt Rambis in the 1984 NBA Finals. "Randy Macho Man Savage had a clothesline like that against Ricky Steamboat in Wrestlemania III. So I don't think that's allowed in basketball."

Kevin Garnett. In game 5, KG scored 33 points (11-for-17) and hit the game-clinching freethrows, but, well, here's what he did down the stretch: 6:48 - Turnover. 5:51 - Turnover. 5:08 - Missed jump shot. 4:04 - Two made freethrows. 3:32 - Two made freethrows. 2:38 - Missed jump shot. 0:18 - Missed jump shot. 0:03 - Two made freethrows. So basically, in clutch time, KG was 0-for-3 from outside and bobbled the ball away twice. He did add four important freethrows, as well as the two game-clinchers off the forced foul...but still. That wasn't exactly a clutchtastic performance. Teams don't usually win elimination games on the road when their best player can count his clutch playoff performances on one finger.

Doc Rivers farts in his critics' general direction. Some people say Doc can't coach. Others say that he is, in fact, the Forest Gump of NBA coaching. But that don't bother him none. "I've always laughed at some of the criticism. I was joking with someone the other day, and I told them, just answer me this: 'Why would someone listen to a guy that hasn't played, hasn't coached? Some of the guys have never even been reporters - they're bloggers.' Who's the fool, me or the people listening." Wow. I guess you can include Doc Rivers in the anti-blogger camp. I mean, what do we really know, anyway? I'm too busy drooling on myself and shitting my pants to really blalsdjlruouwoerfjs...

Chris Webber, still trying to remain relevant. Who cares what this guy thinks, right? The Associated Press, apparently. Somebody dredged the comments he made about Flip Saunders on TNT at halftime of Game 4 of the Sixers-Pistons series ("No disrespect to Flip, but it doesn't matter what Flip says."), and of course Webber chose to clarify his statements. "All I was saying was that the Pistons are the most veteran team besides San Antonio and both of those teams have leaders in the locker room. I like Flip and think he's a good coach. I predicted the Pistons to win it all and you can't do that with a bad coach." Isn't it funny how often pro athletes, even the washed-up ones, get misquoted?

Doc Rivers seeks his Captain's bar in Obvious. So sayeth the Doctor: "We don't want to go to a Game 7. We want to win this now if we can. They're not going to let us win it. We're going to have to come in and take it." Wait, Doc. Are you sure about that? I mean, maybe they will let you win if you ask really nicely and promise to throw in some My Little Pony stickers. The worst they can do is say "no," right?

Paul Pierce: Not tired, as far as he can tell. Here's the Truth on maybe being tired: "The only thing on my mind is getting a win, getting a step closer to being in the NBA Finals. I don't think fatigue is going to be a factor for the rest of this series. The guys physically for the most part are feeling good, and it's all about mental toughness right now." So...the Celtics must win using the power of their minds? Why does that worry me?

Rip Hamilton. The Phantom of Auburn Hills injured his right elbow in Game 5. The funny part of this particular ouchie is how it happened: By wrapping his arm around Ray Allen's neck during a rebounding scrum. I guess sometimes injuries are Karmic. Anyway, he'll play in Game 6, but it'll be interesting to see whether his arm-flailing form is affected.

Kendrick Perkins. According to Flip Saunders, "Perkins is eating us up." Need I say more?

The prediction. Detroit pulls out a close one before taking a nap in Game 7.

Thanks for nothing, NBA. The league office has come out and officially stated the totally freaking obvious: Derek Fisher fouled Brent Barry on the final play of Game 4. And it should have been called outright or replay should have been used. But aw shucks, it wasn't! I'm sure that'll make the Spurs players and coaches feel so much better when they get eliminated tonight whenever.

Kobe's free throws. Mamba shot 89 free throws in six second-round games against the Utah Jazz. His four-game total against the Spurs? Six. Which includes the zero he had in Game 4. Uh...wow? Said Kobe: "I don't know about that. That's one of the mysteries of the world."

Bruce Bowen is the Flash! No, really. Phil Jackson, naturally, has his own little theory on the subject of Mamba's missing free throws. "The basis is guys getting their hands on players, and that's what referees judge. Two hands particularly, it's a call, and Bowen is faster than the eye in that regard. He's really quick with his hands, so he gets in and bothers but he can back out before the shots are up usually, and so you have to give him credit. He's obviously an illusionist at some level." Wait a sec, Phil. Does Bruce have superhuman speed or dark wizard powers? It's gotta be one or the other; it can't be both.

Thanks for nothing, Captain Obvious. Buck Harvey of the San Antonio Express-News wants you to know that there's no pro-big market team conspiracy in the NBA. Sure, Buck. And Jesus was just a nice Jewish boy who bled fruit punch.

Thanks for nothing, Benedict Arnold Obvious. Derek Fisher, master of the non-foul, would like to share some shocking news with you. "[The Spurs are] the defending champions, and we're going to have to play another good 48-minute basketball game in order to beat them." Okay. I'm done.

Thanks for nothing, Mr. Foreign Dignitary Obvious. Manu Ginobili is full of the ancient wisdom of Argentina. "Down 3-1, we know it's really hard to come back. But we're going to try." I'd feel a little better about that last part if Manu had tried more than once in the last four games. Speaking of which...

Manu Ginobili. After hours of porn film review and analyzing breast size various important statistics, I have isolated an amazing trend: When Manu Ginobili plays well, the Spurs win. When he sucks, they lose. The bad news for San Antonio: He's sucked thrice in four games. Maybe his underwear's too tight. Has anybody checked that? Well, get on it!

Kobe's at least half-right. Regarding his team's Chuck Norris-ness: "We're a tough bunch. I think we've grown into a tough team mentally. I think we've grown up. Quick learners — we're all just intelligent idiots." Aw, that was a softball pitch. I can't hit that.

Youth versus experience, Part V. It hasn't looked that good for experience so far, has it? But Gregg Popovich is calling shenanigans. "When we win, we're the experienced team. When we lose, we're older than dirt. That's just silly." You're right, Gregg. It is silly. Let's just say your guys are older than dirt and leave it at that, okay?

"Ray, everybody has three mortgages nowadays." Want to go to the Staples Center and see the Lakers play in the Western Conference Finals? Good luck. Hey, max out five or six credit cards and sell one of your children into slavery, and it should be no problemo! I suggest selling the middle child. That's the one who's usually screwed up, right?

Prediction. History repeats itself and the Spurs' bid to repeat ends in failure. Lakers win. By a lot.

Gisele Bundchen. Tom Brady's supermodel pet was in attendance at Game 2, when the Celtics' perfect home playoff record came to a sticky end. Bitter New Englanders will also note that Gi was at Super Bowl XLII, where the Patriots' perfect record got blown to smithereens. (Hold on...MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...okay, I'm done.) My point is actually a message to Tom Terrific: Leave the bitch at home. Bros before hos, dude. Bros before hos. (I'm sure Tedy Bruschi is free.)

History lesson. In Game 5 of the 1987 Eastern Conference Finals, Larry Bird famously stole a lazy inbounds pass and fed a streaking Dennis Johnson for a layup, and the Celtics beat the Pistons 108-107. In Game 5 of the 1988 Eastern Conference Finals, Detroit held Boston to six field goals in the final 17 minutes and ended up winning in overtime 102-96. In both cases, the team that won Game 5 won the series. I'm just sayin'.

This could be your last chance, Part I. In Game 4, Antonio McDyess partied like it was 1998, to the tune of 21 points and 16 rebounds. The dude played — CLICHE ALERT!! — like there was no tomorrow. And Doc Rivers wants his squad to learn from that. "I think the veterans really get that. I think the young ones always think there's another opportunity. The whole thing is to show them how close we are, the sense of urgency they have to have. Because the other team has it."

This could be your last chance, Part II. Flip Saunders thinks some of the Pistons should also be following in the footsteps of Old Man McDyess. "He knows that you can't take any of this for granted. Some of our guys have been in six straight conference finals, which is an amazing achievement, but for some of our guys, this is the first time. Dice knows that, at this point of his career, it could always be his last. And all our guys need to realize that. You can't just expect there to always be a next time." Yup. Just ask Dwyane Wade.

This could be your last chance, Part III. Doc doesn't have to worry about Paul Pierce. He gets it. "We don't get this opportunity too much in our careers. We have to go out and play like it's our last, because you never know when this is going to happen again. We have to find some way, somehow to get a win at home and bring that momentum back to Detroit."

The power of positive thinking. Kendrick Perkins moves like he's in one of those dreams where you run like you're underwater. You know the ones? Anyway, he may be Mr. Molasses, but he's still impressed and inspired by the confidence dripping off of The Mid-sized Three. "They never panic, especially Ray, Paul and KG. They're always poised. They never talk negative, even after the loss they stayed positive. It was like, 'Don't even worry about it. We aren't losing any more games at home.'" Speaking of those dudes...

The Mid-sized Three. Boston's menage a trois shot 11-for-38 in Game 4, and you don't need a degree in matheology to know that's bad. Kind of like eating yellow snow or crossing the streams. They need to shoot better - and by "they" I mean KG and Truth, because Ray-Ray's a lost cause - for the Celtics to win, well, any more games.

Chauncey Billups. Mr. Big Shot might have to change is name to Mr. Shoot Him And Put Him Out Of His Misery. He's been truly, truly awful. Like, worthy of a Waltonism-level awful. But don't worry. It's not the hamstring. It's his timing. Or it's all in your mind. Or something. According to Flip Saunders, anyway. "I think his leg is fine; I think he just needs to get his timing back. If you notice, he's playing better late in games, and I think some of that is just from getting into a rhythm. It isn't about how he plays, it is about how the team plays. When we lose, it is going to be his fault, and when we win, he'll get the credit. That just goes with being a point guard."

Rodney Stuckey. Here's what's depressing if you're Boston: Stuckey is playing so well it almost doesn't matter how Billups plays. Seriously. This kid is good. And confident. And he scares me. Where's my blankie?

Calling all leprechauns (and the ghost of Red Auerbach). According to Sam Cassell and other Celtics, the visitor's locker room in the Palace of Auburn Hills was hot before Game 4. Like, fry-an-egg-on-your-head hot. Shenanigans? You'd better believe it. I bet Red was rolling over in his grave, because that was his old trick. Think the visitor's locker room will be hot, or cold, or under water for Game 5? You'd better believe it.

Calling all passers. You know what's worse than a steaming hot locker room? Bad ball movement. That's what the C's had in Game 4: 12 assists compared to 14 turnovers. Ugh. Of course, that number would probably be a little higher if they had, I dunno, hit some shots.

Bold prediction. The Celtics win by some positive number.

We've found that the people least upset about the call are those associated with the Spurs. Gregg Popovich was cool with it, and even the Spurs bloggers are Zen about the whole thing.

Please don't Spurs fans. Just don't. Yes, it was an obvious foul on Derek Fisher. Yes, it should have been two free throws. But, but, but:



1. Derek Fisher's shot with 5 seconds left, the one that hit the Corpse of Robert Horry's knee and went out of bounds, grazed the rim. The shot clock should have been reset, forcing the Spurs to foul. This would have changed everything.



2. The goal tend call on Lamar Odom with under a minute left was incorrect. It looked correct at game speed, but the replace clearly showed he got the ball before it hit the rim. This would have changed everything.



3. Kobe Bryant shot the ball 29 times. He took 0 free throws.


Complaining about free throws is just grasping at straws, like a vanquished foe begging for their life. It's unbecoming.

This is probably the Spurs' last run at all this ... oh, who are we kidding? They'll be back in the conference finals every year until Duncan's son is running the point.

The Bell Tolls For We [Pounding The Rock]

Manu Ginobili. He was the unquestioned goat of Games 1 and 2, and even moreso the unquestioned hero of Game 3. His "In yo face, suckah!" performance (30 points, 9-for-15, 5-for-7 in threes) was pretty damn impressive...especially when you consider he's doing it with an arthritic ankle. Ouch. Seriously, though, some of those threes were wacko - one of them even made Kobe laugh - and I don't know if that kind of lightning is going to strike twice. So the Spurs are going to need some...

Commodore Obvious! This is what Tim Duncan thinks the Spurs need to do to beat the Lakers in Game 4: "We have to contain them, limit what they do They have the best scorer in the league. He can get off in stretches. We have to be able to contain the rest of their team and understand that defense is what's going to get us over the hump."

Kobe Bryant, Part I. Dig this: Mamba shot 96 free throws in round two against the Utah. He's had six so far against San Antonio. No, you read that right. Apparently, the Spurs don't commit fouls. Amazing.

Kobe Bryant, Part II. Now dig this: Mamba isn't as overwhelming when he's facing a Bruce Bowen who has a Tim Duncan watching his back. This is a mystery that even the power of Mighty Science may never unlock.

Kobe Bryant, Part III. Apparently, dude was a bastard even back in high school. I'm shocked, I tell you. Shocked.

Brent Barry. The Spurs could use somebody other than Ginobili to spread the floor. Barry is a known floor-spreader. Timmy wants Barry to get more minutes. You getting all this, Gregg?

Lamar Odom. He had a real "WTF?!" performance in Game 3: 7 points on 2-for-11 shooting, five missed free throws, and a game-high 5 turnovers. It was enough to keep a guy up at night. And it did. Lamar couldn't sleep after the game. And Phil Jackson understood why. "I like players to get their rest, there's no doubt. But any time you have a game of that importance and you don't play well, you're upset. It's bothersome." Bothersome? Dandruff is bothersome. The stink bomb Lamar dropped in Game 3 was more than "bothersome." But whatever. I'm calling it now: Lamar will bounce back tonight.

Ronny Turiaf. He's crazy. Like, eat-you-and-wear-your-skin crazy.

Kevin Garnett (22 points, 13 rebounds, 6 assists) played the role of high priest, and role players like Kendrick Perkins (12 points, 10 rebounds), Rajon Rondo (14 points, 4 assists) and James Posey (12 points, 4 rebounds) were his faithful acolytes. Huh. Not sure what that makes Ray Allen (14 points, 5-for-16, 6 assists) or Paul Pierce (11 points, 4 rebounds, 5 turnovers). Maybe I should have skipped the magic analogy, or used Harry Potter references again.

Anyway, it wasn't about Boston's individual performances. It was about their defense. They held the Pistons to 38 percent shooting - including 1-for-13 from downtown - and outrebounded them 44-28. Rip Hamilton scored 26 points, but he was only 8-for-18 from the field. Chauncey Billups (6 points, 1-for-6, 4 assists) played like his hamstring was missing. Tayshaun Prince (4 points, 2-for-11, 4 rebounds) played like he was keeping Chauncey's hamstring company. And Rasheed Wallace eventually fouled out after a frustrating night of trying to keep up with KG.

Still, all that being said, the Pistons cut a 20-point Boston lead down to only nine with about three minutes left, thanks mostly to the fact that the Celtics went into the NBA-equivalent of the prevent defense: Walking the ball up the court, trying to waste time, putting up rushed shots before the shot clock could expire. In short, playing not to lose their lead instead of trying to extend it. Which is stupid, and ugly to watch, but I guess it worked.

And Doc Rivers was totally underwhelmed. "I think our guys just assumed we would eventually win on the road." If you say so, Doc. And on the other end of the spectrum, Flip Saunders is all life or death. "They got home court back. [The next game] is a crucial game for us - the biggest of the year."

Game 4 is Monday in Detroit.

Detroit verus Boston: Game 2

Ray Allen. His jump shot has left him. Literally. It now belongs to Jason Kapono. It's so the hair. But Ray-Ray isn't worried. Or...something. "I've scored a lot in my career. But it's good to be in a position, where I'm not going to let it (affect the rest of my game)." Okay. So I guess we can expect 15 rebounds and 10 assists out of Allen tonight.

Yay Team! Part I. Oh, and Kevin Garnett isn't worried either. "Ray's a part of the Boston Celtics, and the Boston Celtics are winning. I'm sure it's not his first shooting slump, and it's definitely not his last. So I don't have any sympathy for Ray Allen." Was that actually a vote of confidence or something else? Because I couldn't really tell.

Yay team! Part II: And Doc Rivers? So not worried. "I'm not worried about it, I'm really not," Doc said while chewing on his fingernails, refusing to make eye contact, and rubbing the hell out of his lucky chicken's foot. "We're winning games, and Ray's making plays."

Yay other team! Flip Saunders is worried, even if everybody else thinks he shouldn't be. "Ray is a good shooter and he's going to shoot the ball, no matter what. You can never think he's going to keep missing. If you start leaving him open, he can get hot."

Chauncey Billups. While it hasn't gotten as much attention as Allen's prodigal jumper, Mr. Big Shot's hammy hasn't fully healed. And it may not until sometime in, oh, August. But can he can he do his thing anyway? "Not everything, but I am good enough to play...as far as being the best I can be, I don't know if I can get to that."

Rasheed versus KG: In Game 1, this matchup was a showdown in the same way that the Battle of Hoth was a showdown between the Empire and the Rebellion. Hm. I might have crossed the Nerd Rubicon with that reference. Anyway, 'Sheed better get his hose pulled on straight and show the world that real men wear tights, or the Pistons won't stand a chance.

The Paint. Whoever rules the paint...rules the Earth. Okay, that might be overstating things, but the Celtics did outscore the Pistons 44-22 in that square boxy thing. Part of that was aggression by KG and Paul Pierce, and part of it was because Detroit wasn't trapping the pick-and-roll, which allowed the Leprechauns to drive it to the hoop almost at will. But hey, that's nothing a few well-placed land mines won't stop.

Rhythm. The Pistons didn't have it in Game 1. Too much rest, I guess. As a result, the shot 42 percent and barely had more assists (15) than turnovers (13). Oh, and their defense was a little off, too; Boston shot 52 percent from the field despite being stone-cold (2-for-9) from distance. Maybe the Motor City Madmen will get it together after that practice game.

Basketbawful can't make the Spurs-Lakers series new and interesting, but he can tell you what to watch out for when these two horror move monsters go head-to-head.

Dracula San Antonio versus Frankenstein L.A.: Game 1

The season series. It was a 2-2 tie, although the Lakers won the most recent meeting on April 13 by the score of 106-85. That should give them the kind of smug self-assurance that the Spurs feed on. Also note that Manu Ginobili missed that game with a creaky groin.

Rest versus rhythm: Well, we saw what rest did for the Pistons: Jack and shit, and Jack just left town. Of course, Detroit didn't have the benefit of opening their conference finals series at home. The Lakers do. And like the Celtics, L.A. hasn't lost at home this postseason. Oh, and unlike the Spurs, the Lakers didn't have to spend a night on a plane.

Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads. The Spurs have been there, done that, did it again, thought about doing it a different way, went ahead and did it again the old way anyway. My point? I forget. Oh, yeah. Don't expect Timmy and the boys to get rattled by playing in the Staples Center or having a night of highly uncomfortable sleep. On the other hand...

San Antonio Duncan and the Arthritic Joints of Doom. My grandpa never got rattled, either. But that didn't win him any foot races after he turned 70. So all that calm clutchtasticness won't do much good if the old geezers are running on fumes.

Kobe Bryant. Mamba's going to be the focus of any and every series that involves the Lakers until somebody shoves a stake through his heart. And could we get some men on that? Please?? But seriously (and I was serious), Bruce Bowen might find it a tad harder to stick with Kobe than it was to handcuff Peja "The Gimp" Stojakovic. Also: Have we gotten any recent updates on Mamba's fake back injury?

Lords of the...well, you know. The Spurs and Lakers have combined to win seven of the last nine championships, with San Antonio taking the title in 1999, 2003, 2005 and 2007 and the Lakers doing it from 2000-02.

History is on their side, Part XXI: The Lakers are 7-3 against the Spurs in the playoffs, including 3-0 in the Western Conference Finals. The last time they went at it for NBA Finals rights, some seven years ago, L.A. swept San Antonio on their way to a 15-1 all-time playoff record.

Somebody better wake Tony up. Monsieur Longoria is a wee bit too excited about this matchup. "It's always great to play against the Lakers. Kobe's at his best; they have a great team. It reminds me of my first couple of years in the league. Back to the rivalry. It will be great." If this series was a human leg, TP would be humping the hell out of it right now.

Oh, and about that plane. Gregg Popovich was his usual cryptic self when describing the Spurs' sleepover in First Class. "Not what you would hope for. Mechanical problem, no mechanic, then no plane, no hotel. Eventful, strange, weird. Reminded me of Division III basketball." But, ultimately, not a big deal. "Everybody goes through that stuff during the season. Every team can tell you a horror story. It'll be forgotten by tomorrow. It was a good story today." Of course, it might have been different if the Spurs had lost Game 7 to the Hornets. "If this had been a loss, we would have been fighting each other. There would have been deaths on that plane." I...assume he's speaking figuratively...

At the peril of divulging my devotion to my bloglines reader, I have to say I am particularly fond of the running joke that Gawker has on Slate (both of which are favorite websites of mine). The joke is basically pointing out how much Slate just looooooves to flip conventional wisdom on its head. In a jab at Slate’s recent assertion that we Americans should feel lucky for only paying four dollars a gallon for gas, Gawker snarks:

Gas... is cheap! An economist on how expensive cigarettes make smokers happy! Ugly people: are they actually pretty? Plus: Chris Hitchens on how George W. Bush was a better president than Lincoln! Tomorrow: Are you hungry? No you're not!

Comedy. Now, at the risk of pulling over-flipping the script myself here, I want to proclaim that after heavy thought and scrutiny, I have realized that Tim Duncan is this millennium’s answer to Michael Jordan, the actual heir to MJ’s throne that we have been searching for all along, and the obvious successor that we have overlooked when he was standing in our midst all along. Put another way, it is fucking astonishing that the Spurs beat the Suns in five games and the Hornets in New Orleans, and this outcome is pretty much solely because of Timmy D. Parker, Ginobili, Popovich, and Horry be damned.

Sure, Parker makes quick and precise decisions, Ginobili is perturbing to the point of causing psychological damage, Horry evokes severe anxiety in late-and-close game situations, and Popovich conveys an eerie calm. Yet it is Duncan whose presence alone encapsulates all of these things, which makes him the single greatest player since Michael Jordan. I’m not gonna play up the MJ comparison too much (because we go into much greater detail about Mike and his legacy in the forthcoming FreeDarko book (IN STORES NOVEMBER 11), but I will characterize what the now ethereal and almost fanciful legend of Jordan stood for: Dominance, Championship, and most Relentlessness.

These are not simply vacant or clichéd terms. Dominance refers to the fact that Jordan was the best of his era. All things considered, Duncan can say the same for himself. You know how after Duncan and Shaq got a few MVP awards, they sort of just got dropped from frontrunner status in the years that followed? Garnett, Nash, Dirk, and then Kobe got in the mix, and it was almost as though the voters and the public were saying, “OK, let’s just exclude Duncan and Shaq from the conversation because they’re these incomprehensible gigantic physical specimens that don’t even count,” just how we will come to talk about Barry Bonds and the home run records. Get what I’m saying? And now, Duncan has outlasted Shaq, with as many rings (and perhaps more?) to show for himself. That is dominance.

A championship is essentially the outcome of dominance. It is as though the Rube Goldberg machine spits out a ring at the end of Duncan’s churning. And although Duncan has never won two championships in a row, his record in the postseason is unmatched, and he has become a permanent fixture in postseason lore.

It is this last quality of relentlessness that I believe separates Duncan from his peers. To present a contrast — and I alluded to this over on FreeDarko — what I can’t stand about the post-Iverson era is how many players seem to hold back on us, only to reemerge at a later point in time. Steve Nash flutters around as a one-dimensional all-star on the Mavericks, and a couple years later he turns into White Confucius. Baron Davis comes out of nowhere as a playoff savior for an all-but-forgotten franchise. Paul Pierce drops 40 points in a key game when we thought his career was over years ago. And Peja Stojakovic comes out of the woodwork to say, “Remember me?! I WILL BUST YOU.”

I can only conclude that (putting on my Skip Bayless voice) in the endorsement/mega-contract age players simply hold out a bit on us more than they used to. Injuries, their team’s draft positioning, fear of failure and necessity to secure that next big contract all take hold of these players, and at least for a moment, they let up. They say, “You know what? I’m gonna get my shit together for next year, or I’m gonna take this summer and really work on my free throws/footwork/outside shot/whatever. I’m gonna take some time to heal. I’m gonna just wrap this season up and see what happens once I complain that I don’t have enough help around me.” Duncan, on the other hand, has never once let up, never looked toward the future, toward his legacy, or toward anything except his duty. That is what relentless means. The guy has faced consistent injuries throughout his career, and not once has he taken a season off to facilitate some unknowable future.

Now what happens when the best player of his era meets the best player right now, and one that will potentially become the best of all-time? Nobody on the Spurs, a 56-year-old Bruce Bowen included, can guard Kobe right now. Yet a Kobe-versus-everybody matchup might be playing right into the Spurs' hands. I see a lot of anger coming from Kobe’s direction. I see a lot of elbows flying on both sides. The lanky swords of Lamar Odom dueling with the flailing nunchucks of Manu Ginobili. A barrage of three-pointers from Ime Udoka, Michael Finley, Vladimir Radmanovic and Sasha Vujacic. I see the Lakers having an edge in pure speed (“speed” is the new “size”), but I also see Los Angeles trembling in tense moments, with a squad of players that—except for Kobe and Derek Fisher—have not been in deep playoff pressure situations before.

So, how does this end? In any toss-up situation or game 7, I use a simple rule of thumb, which is that the team that has more to lose…will win. Think of the squeaker series’ during these playoffs. Boston’s two Game 7s—they were faced with the possibility of disgracing the entire Celtics legacy, and they pulled it out. Think about the Lakers versus Utah—were they really going to squander their post-Gasol magic by letting a bunch of screaming Utah-ites into their heads? And then there was New Orleans versus San Antonio, when it came down to it, you could tell that the young core of West, Paul, and Chandler had the feeling of, “well, we can always get back here next year,” whereas the Spurs were facing the ultimate demise of their decade-long dynasty. More to lose…equals a win.

And I say whereas the Lakers might look ahead to a full season of Bynum, Gasol, and Kobe on the same court for a full season, the Spurs aren’t ready to loosen their grip of death on the league just yet. I’ll give them one more championship, to cement their place in history and to ship millions of NBA fans back to their families in coffins, bearing the burden of having watched this game with so much patience over the past 10 years of San Antonio’s reign.

Detroit versus Boston: Game 1

The season series. The Celtics won it 2-1, taking the last two in Detroit and Boston, respectively. But based on the Pistons' championship savvy, and the Celtics' up-and-down-and-up-and-down play in the postseason, you might as well cram all that regular season stuff into a bucket, cover it with something flammable, set it on fire, and then throw it at your little sister. For example.

Rest versus rhythm. Which is better for a team going into the Eastern Conference Finals: What seems like several weeks worth of rest and relaxation, or the continuity of having been playing basketball every other day for the duration of the playoffs? Ray Allen thinks it's the latter. "I would rather have the rhythm" of regular competition than extra rest "because (with) the rhythm you don't have to guess from one day to the next" how you'll play. Which is a funny comment coming from Mr. Shuttlesworth (but more on that below). Here's the thing: If there's one team that's unlikely to be negatively effected by an extended layoff, it's the Spurs. If there are two teams that meet that criteria, the other one is the Pistons.

Ray Allen. He was bad in the second round. I mean bad bad. He averaged something like 5 points on 17 percent shooting. And if you're wondering: Yes, I totally made those stats up. But it sure felt like that — or worse — didn't it? Word on the street is that Ray got in some extra shooting practice yesterday, which kind of like a magician sitting in his bedroom practicing the same card trick over and over. Shooting in the solitary comfort of the team's practice facility isn't the same as knocking 'em down in an actual game with a sweaty hand in your face. But I'm sure Ray's looking for something, anything, that'll break this jinx. Personally, I think he should try some voodoo magic. Now where did I leave those Sankara Stones...

Note: The Celtics' "Big Three" have been downgraded to the Wonderful One-Point-Eight, due to Ray-Ray's miserable -1.20 performance in the second round. I dare you to defy the power of my math.

Home sweet home, Part XXII. Who says you need to win on the road? The Celtics don't. That's the glory of home-court advantage. But after two emotionally and physically draining seven-game series, it's almost impossible for me to imagine the Pistons not winning one of the first two games at the TD Banknorth Garden. I mean, I can't see all the rhythm in the world stopping that.

Kevin Garnett. The Big Ticket played better against the Pistons this season than almost any other team: 24 PPG, 54 percent shooting, and 7.7 RPG. Those are pretty good numbers against a pretty good defensive team. Won't happen in this series, though, not against 'Sheed's long-armed defense. Or...will it?

Paul Pierce. Forget the 41-point bomb he dropped on the Cavs on Sunday. Truth flat-out struggled against the Pistons this season: 15 PPG, 36 percent shooting, and 5.5 RPG. But he also averaged 6.0 APG in those three games, so he was making things happen. And Pierce is Boston's only real go-to guy, which I'm thinking they're going to need in this series.

And the Celtics are going to defend...who, exactly? Who is the Boston D supposed to focus on when, literally, anybody on the Detroit roster could beat them on any given night. Doc Rivers — SURPRISE!! — has no idea. "It's the exact opposite. You go from Cleveland and Atlanta in a lot of ways with Joe Johnson, where you focus on double-teaming, to playing a team that all the guys in the starting lineup are capable of having good nights." After uttering those cryptic final words, Doc's head exploded, showering the nearby media members with gory bits of blood and brains.

History is on their side, Part XIII. The Pistons didn't have homecourt advantage when they won the Eastern Conference Finals in 2004 and 2005.

Deep thoughts by Paul Pierce. So said-eth The Truth: "When you're waking up you notice that the sun's been out. It's been warm outside. It's very rare that you're playing in the Eastern Conference that you're still playing when it's 70 degrees, so you know you've gone pretty far in the playoffs and I think some guys wake up and say, 'hey, we're still playing,' and they get excited about it." Profound!

It's just been a learning experience. Really! Ray Allen thinks all the lousy play and inexplicable losses on the road has been like getting beaten up by Clubber Lang and then Mickey dying in Rocky III. In other words: A valuable learning tool. "We've learned a lot about each other. It's good for us because as a team this is our first time together. Our valleys that we're going through, seven games, adversity on the road. All that stuff that people say is a reason why we won't win, it's a reason why we will win." So what we thought was yucky badness...it's actually yummy goodness?! Well, shoot, when you put it that way, the Celtics totally have this one in the bag.

Ring the alarm and call in the ponies: Starting now, these Celtics are no longer playoff disappointments. They've spent long enough confounding and outraging us — from this moment on, they're underdogs.

See, that's one advantage of this damn near eternal postseason. It doesn't matter if you start it off as most likely to fo, fo, fo, fo. Enough turmoil, and rounds distended by a series that refuses to die, and there's plenty of room for narrative revision. You can change your face. You can change your whole fucking life.

Remember when this historic lineup saw its first game together? It was supposed to bring about 82 gargantuan nights of smart, sleek basketball that showed off these three stars in all their glory. They were instantly put on television more times than Portland and Seattle combined. Then the season started, and it became clear that toughness and discipline were the intended consequence. Still, a team for the ages. Then the playoffs, where this proud bunch was hapless away from home. Against the Cavs, they got nothing from Ray Allen, less than they would've liked from Garnett, and only advanced by imitating Cleveland's groundbreaking offense — with Paul Pierce playing the King James role.

(Sidenote: After this series, I can say for certain that Doc Rivers isn't letting Ray Allen be the Ray Ray we all knew and loved. That might be part of the problem. It's like, in the interest of streamlining the offense, he decided he had Steve Kerr, not an honest to God shooting guard. If I sound bitter, I am. That's exactly the kind of decision that got us so far from the Celtics team I once imagined seeing out there).

We've come a long way from those dreams of eye-popping play and non-stop, full-body sentimental orgasm. Here's the new party line: These guys were older than we thought. Mavs redux? Nah son, Garnett, Pierce and Allen gave it their all throughout the season because they couldn't help it, and now it's caught up with them. Lack of poise, or chemistry, or old postseason ghosts come back? Of course not. These are craggy warriors who refuse to quit. It's all about resolve once the wheels fall off, when regrouping has long ago disappeared in the rear view.

Look what's happening around them. The bench is uncertain. The role players are yanked quick, not nurtured. Doc Rivers, once the guru of unity, now has to improvise a rotation each game. These are times for real heroism. Anyone can win 60 when things click. Adversity, though, is what brings out the best in people. A little desperation makes you reach way deep down and flourish. This isn't a well-oiled march toward the championship these players deserve, it's the fight of their lives. Ironically, these scrappers and survivors, veterans of meaningless excellence and long springs of envy, are now being asked to conjure up their former selves. It's their only hope.

Or maybe they've just become Detroit. Balanced, grouchy, and always hovering somewhere between underachieving and surprising. The Pistons get here like clockwork. They always have some ups and some downs, some moments of arrogance and those of gut-wrenching humility. Sometimes they coast, others they work like hell. It's a mishmash of moods and styles that doesn't lend itself to easy characterization, and in part accounts for the indifference about them.

But the Pistons are here every year, while the Celtics, they've had to fight back from the depths of hell to get here. This has been in the making since they lost Bias and then Lewis. They're imperfect, but on a mission. The Pistons are the regulars who just fuck around every year and make it deep into the playoffs. They're an institution today, while the Celtics are struggling to live up to the weight of their own monumental past. Detroit has nothing to lose; they already got their ring. These Celtics, they need one to justify this team's existence. And yes, these are the times when knowing you're Hall of Fame-bound can keep you up nights.

Celtics, I believe in you. And when you lose to Los Angeles in the Finals, I'll be the first to jump on the message boards and say THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS SEASON IT'S SO AMAZING WE EVEN GOT BACK IN THE FINALS AGAIN.

San Antonio versus New Orleans: Game 7

David West. And here's the big question: What's the status of West's back? In case you joined this party late and have been, I don't know, living under a rock, Cheap Shot Rob put the business to West's already injured back in Game 6. The Hornets need him — and desperately — if they're going to win Game 7. And word on the street is that West's meaty flank is "right at 100 percent" with "most of the soreness out of there." Said West: "My biggest thing is just to go out and not think about it. I'm just going to go out there and play, try to help this team advance."

Agony of the feet. Tyson Chandler's bruised foot? It's all good. So good, in fact, that he's been running after someone even tougher to guard than Timmy D: His daughter. "She may be a little tougher to chase around than Tim Duncan. She's been a handful out there — no disrespect to Tim Duncan. He knows he's my guy." Tim's feelings would be hurt...if he were humanssZZZZZAAAACKT!!

History is with them, Part I. Through six games, the home team has won each game by an average margin of 18.2 points. But Chris Paul is all, like, whatever. "You could put this game in the middle of the desert somewhere. The previous six games really don't matter too much."

History is against them, Part I. No Hornets team has advanced to a conference finals - East or West - in the history of the franchise. That's a 20-year drought. Although doesn't a drought mean there was once a non-drought? Whatever. The point is, the Good Ship New Orleans has set a course for uncharted waters.

History is with them, Part II. The Spurs have done everything the Hornets haven't: Four NBA Finals appearances, four titles, MVPs, Finals MVPs, etc., etc., etc. There's no situation they haven't faced during this mini-dynastic run. They're not going to get rattled.

History is against them, Part II. Yeah, they have four titles in nine seasons, but — SHOCK ALERT!! — they've never won two back-to-back. They've also never come back from a 2-0 playoff series deficit, which they had early on in this series.

Home sweet home, Part XVI. Road teams have only won two games so far in the second round. And the Hornets haven't lost a home game in the playoffs this year at all. Said West: "The reason we fought out games throughout the regular season was to be able to have a Game 7 on your home floor. We've been able to do that, so we've got to take advantage of the opportunity we have."

Stock up on eyedrops. According to Manu Ginobili: "You've just got to be very focused, knowing that you can't blink, that you can't let the other team get on a run, get confident on a run. It's going to be a really tense game with a lot of adrenaline. Fans are going to be going nuts. So it's going to be a very fun game to play." If there's any team that can maintain its focus in a situation like this, it's the Spurs.

My prediction: The Hornets by 15+. No. Wait. I don't want to stat curse my boys. The Spurs by 15+.

LeBron hoisted the Cavs onto his shoulder one more time, finishing with 45 points, but he missed a few crucial attempts late in the game. Awful Announcinghas the visuals...

As for the Celtics, they played an inspired game and Doc Rivers even managed to squeeze some valuable production from his bench. The ageless PJ Brown contributed 10 points on 4-4 shooting with six rebounds in just 20 minutes while Eddie House and James Posey contributed on both ends of the floor. Kevin Garnett was happy in his role, putting together a symmetrical line of 13 and 13. Not to be outdone, Rajon Rondo put up a line of 8/8/8 . In the end it was all about Pierce, who is finally returning to the Eastern Conference Finals. As little as I may care for the Boston sports scene, it is fun to watch Pierce and KG fighting for a ring.

The Boston Celtics are set to host their second game seven of the playoffs, having successfully defended home court in each game of the post-season. If the Cleveland Cavaliers are going to buck the trend it's going to take a special performance from LeBron James, or at least some help from the referees. Boston is favored by eight, but Kevin Garnett will settle for anything that keeps their incredible season going. Continue after the jump for updates on the action once the game is underway.

Image via Yahoo! Sports.

• That intro music makes me want to drown puppies.

• I hope Ben Wallace doesn't pass out. Finally, basketball.

• I'm pretty sure the big Brazilian just took nine steps.

• The first quarter is wrapping up and, hey, Damon Jones!

• Boston controlled much of the quarter, but the fightin' LeBrons came right back at them. 18-13 after one...FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!

• LeBron leads the Cavs with nine points, while Pierce scored eight for the team that isn't losing. Garnett added six rebounds in the quarter.

• Thanks to Mike Breen we now know that Mr. Potato Coach's son is the reason Damon is getting court time.

• Eddie Fucking House! Boston's lead is extended to 10.

• When KG is fouled from behind while in the air he gets up and goes to the line, as opposed to LeBron, who acts like he's stabbed. He and Drogba must be related.

• Jesus finally got off a shot, good for him.

• Hey another push in the back on the break. Paul Pierce just got stanchion'd.

• Heading into halftime and the Celtics are still up double digits.

• Piece and LeBron are the leading scorers, but Eddie House is getting all of the Leslie Visser love.

Image via Yahoo! Sports.

Cleveland versus Boston: Game 6

The inevitable (?) explosion. Everybody is waiting for it: The LeBron James Eruption. I mean, he's too good not to have at least one freaktastically amazing game in this series ... right? A lot of people thought it would be Game 5. They were wrong. So why not Game 6? Seems as good a time as any.

The inevitable (?) implosion. If KG has a bad game because he starts bailing out and shooting fadeaways from 17 feet, we'll be treated to a few more days of "This is why KG can't win in the playoffs" stories...I can't wait!!

The missing Boobie: Daniel Gibson won't be available for Game 6 because he separated his left shoulder diving for a loose ball in the fourth quarter of Game 5 and needs at least a week to recover. Bummer for him and the Cavs, but it's not like he was getting a lot of PT.

Oh, the drama. Despite the fact that Boobie has only had one good game in this series — and no great ones — LeBron is wigging out a little bit about his absence. "It's something we didn't want to happen. It's kind of the tale of our season — a guy goes down in the heat of a playoff series. He's very key to our team. It's not good seeing a guy who is that key to your team in a suit." The story of their season is a guy going down in the heat of a playoff series? Did I totally miss something or is LeBron a little crazy from the playoff heat?

Oh, the damn, dirty lies. More from the King: "We're not looking for a spectacular game from anybody. We just want to continue to do what we've been doing in the two wins we've had at home — guys stepped up. We're not looking for a guy to go out and score 30 points or anything like that." I'm sure that's exactly what Mike Brown is thinking. (coughBULLSHITcough!!)

The implant procedure. Speaking of the non-Coach of the Year, Brown hasn't decided whether to use Damon Jones, Devin Brown, or Sasha Pavlovic in place of the Boobmeister. Decisions, decisions. In the immortal words of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, it's like choosing which puddle of vomit to lick. But wouldn't you just assume he'd go ahead and use the guy they paid good money to re-sign in the offseason? Or does that make too much sense?

Regrets. So many regrets. Zydrunas Ilgauskas has an interesting take on how and why the Cavaliers dropped Game 5. "We had them on their heels. (In the second half) It just seemed like we really weren't into it. We came out a half-step slow." Okay, so let me get this straight: The Cleveland players "weren't really into" a crucial playoff game? Is he serious, or is this one of those language barrier things? I hope for his sake it's the latter.

Doc Rivers wants...what, exactly? Rajon Rondo busted Cleveland in the chops in Game 5 by going off for 20 points and 13 assists, and he even nailed a couple triples. And Doc wants him to do, well, this: "If they're going to leave him open, I want him to shoot it. But I don't want him to look for it." Sound advice. Say, how did this guy not win Coach of the Year? (P.S. I want Indiana Jones to find the Crystal Skull if it's just sitting out in the open in front of him, but I don't want him to look for it.)

The long and winding road. I hope you're wearing ankle suspenders, because this is going to knock your socks the hell off: The Celtics haven't won a road game in the playoffs yet. Did you know that?! But don't worry, Celtics. Doc has the solution. "We're just going to show up and play basketball." Yup. That should totally work.

Utah versus L.A.: Game 6

Home cookin'. The home team in this series always seems to end up with 40+ free throws. Will the trend continue tonight? (My guess: Oh hell yes.)

Captain Obvious. Carlos Boozer, the current four-star General Obvious promoted Matt Harpring after he made the following statement: "If we lose, we go home. We certainly don't want to lose on our home court the last game of the year. No way." And that is something I never would have guessed, Matt.

Kobe's back. Nobody quite knows how badly Mamba's back is still hurting. But everybody knows this: It's a good thing the Lakers aren't playing the Spurs, or else Cheap Shot Rob would be painting a big red target on Mamba's hindquarters.

The Wisdom of Zen. Phil Jackson has deep thoughts on how the Lakers can win Game 6: "The message is being under control. It's about execution at this point. It's about winning the game." And that, my friends, is how you get into the Hall of Fame. Write that down.

Slurp, slurp, slurp. Lamar Odom on Kobe's Game 5 performance: "Incredible, as always. Kobe made plays for us when he needed to." But you know, despite the kind words, don't you get the feeling that Lamar really doesn't like Mamba?

The Jazz must empty their craw. Jerry Sloan doesn't want his team thinking about the no-call in Game 5 when Pau Gasol climbed Mehmet Okur's back like it was a stripper pole. "You can't worry about that. If you keep that in your craw, then you're going to be affected by it in the next game." Good call, coach. I hate it when my craw gets all full.

You can't press the Reset button, Carlos. Carlos Boozer on Utah's missed opportunities in Game 5: "You watch the tape of the game, you wish you could jump in the screen and play it all over again. I thought we had the opportunity to take the lead a few times, and looking back on it, it's definitely frustrating." Then, General Obvious totally came through: "You put the pressure on the home team if you get the lead." YES!

More General Obvious. Oh, Carlos was just warming up with that last comment. "We've got two left with them. We've got to win tomorrow night to have the second one."

History is on, uh, who's side exactly? According to the history books, the Jazz are 1-1 when hosting a Game 6 and trailing 3-2 in the last 10 years. NO, seriously. The victory came in the first round last year when the Jazz beat the Rockets in Utah. As for the loss, well, you know, I've just put the 1998 NBA Finals out of my mind, okay?

Jerry Sloan, master debater. Coach Sloan on the Jazz's, er, chances. "If you like to play, what better position could you be in? They have to come and beat us, and we hope we don't beat ourselves." Uhm, yeah. I'm out.

San Antonio versus New Orleans: Game 6

Home cookin'. In case you didn't notice, home teams are 19-1 in the second round of this year's playoffs. Plus, neither the Hornets or Spurs have lost at home this postseason. Call me crazy, but I get the feeling that trend is likely to continue tonight...

Elimination game. The Spurs always seem to be on the other side of this situation. Just ask the Phoenix Suns. They're pretty efficient at closing teams out. But how good are they at staying alive? And forget, there's the little matter of...

The Curse. San Antonio may have four titles in the last nine seasons, but they've never won 'em back-to-back. And in each of the Spurs' last three title defenses - following the 1999, 2003 and 2005 seasons - they were ousted in the Western Conference Semifinals or earlier. And you know, history has a funny way of repeating itself. Unless I just pulled a reverse stat curse. Crap!

Platitudes. San Antonio Gregg Popovich said: "The bottom line is that the better team wins in a seven-game series. I've always said that. So whoever wins the series it will be because they're the better team." Note that he's "always said that." You think that, if his Spurs lose, he'll actually believe it?

Strategy session, Part I. New Orleans coach Byron Scott says his team has to approach the game with the official Sense Of Urgency (TM): "The best opportunity for us is really (Game 6). We've got to look at it that way. We've got a chance to close out the defending champions."

Strategy session, Part II. Chris Paul thinks the Hornets need to do, uh, something. "When you make shots and stuff like that, it helps a lot, but we just got to find some way somehow." Some way. Somehow. Sounds kind of easy, doesn't it?

Chris Paul and Tim Duncan. They are the two best players, and the best players usually cast the deciding vote in playoff elimination games. Bad news for the Spurs: Tim Duncan has been having a rough series, for him anyway. Bad news for New Orleans: Chris Paul doesn't have a lot of experience closing teams out, let alone in a hostile road game.

David West. I don't mean to toot my own tooter, but I called it. In my Game 5 preview, I said: "His Game 4 was both forgettable and regrettable: 10 points on 4-for-15 shooting. But that might actually be good news for the Hornets, since David has developed a habit of bouncing back from bad games." And did he ever bounce back: 38 points, 14 rebounds, 5 assists, 5 blocked shots. He was a one-man Death Star blowing up Alderan. And it was as if millions of Spurs fans suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Here's the thing, though: West's back is hurting and he has another habit...of following up great games with not-so-great games. So don't expect a career-night from Dave in Game 6.

Tony Parker. The Flopping Frenchman is close to setting a personal record for most times falling down and grabbing his head in one series. But he needs a seventh game to make it happen. Look, the Spurs don't stand much of a chance of winning the title this year, but at least TP can make a little history.

Tyson Chandler. Is it too early to start calling him The Duncan Stopper? Yeah, probably. But he's done a fantastic job shoving a cork in Timmy's game. But - duh duh duh duuuuuuum - he has a bruised left foot. And it's hard to imagine him running Duncan off the playoff road with a flat tire.

Gregg Popovich. This series has been marked by adjustments, from his Hack-a-Whoever strategy, to putting Bruce Bowen on Peja Stojakovic, to moving Manu Ginobili in the starting lineup. Pops may be a first-rate, scar-faced asshat, but he's also a ruthlessly efficient tactician. So: Does he have any special adjustments for Game 6? And: Does he have the personnel necessary to make any more adjustments?

Peja Stojakovic. I hope Peja Stojakovic spent his day off studying Houdini, because he really needs to figure out a way to escape the straightjacket Bruce Bowen has him in. I'd suggest having him drive to the hoop, but he currently has the footspeed of a crippled sea cow.

Damon Stoudamire. Sorry, Mighty Mouse. But regardless of how this game turns out, I have a feeling your championship piggyback days are numbered.

Cleveland versus Boston: Game 5

Home sweet home, Part I. As stoppable as the Celtics have been on the road, they've been just as unstoppable at home. Everybody keeps saying that Boston has to win on the road to advance, but the reality is ... they really don't. That's what having homecourt advantage is all about. I'm starting to think that Doc Rivers should stop playing his starters on the road and just save their legs for the home games.

Private Obvious. According to Paul Pierce: "The key is winning the series. Whether it's at home or on the road, you just try to win it." Thanks for that, Paul. In other news, the key to living is not dying.

LeBron's shooting eye. Did somebody poke it with a stick? King James is shooting 26 percent for the series. Of course, if somebody had told me that James would be shooting that poorly through four games, I never would have guessed the series would be tied. And yes, that's kind of a bad sign for the Celtics. I mean, what if he actually breaks out of his slump?

Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Check it: The Z-Man played better in Boston than he did in Cleveland. Is it because his great-great grandfather was half-leprechaun? We may never know.

Paul Pierce. He's wearing himself out guarding LeBron James, and there's no question it's affecting his offense. But what choice does Doc Rivers have? Play James Posey for 40+ minutes? No, seriously.

Wally Szczerbiak. He had a couple "comeback" games in Cleveland, scoring 16 and 14 points and shooting a combined 10-for-21. If he keeps playing like that, I might actually have to stop comparing him to Larry Hughes.

Ray Allen. It's like he aged five years when the playoffs started. Ray-Ray is really struggling to get open for anything, and when he does get open he's forcing the shots. Did he lose half-a-step or is the problem that Doc Rivers can't orchestrate an effective offense? I have no idea. (It's all Doc.)

Anderson Varejao. He had a good Game 4 — 12 points, 6-for-8 shooting, 6 rebounds. Why, he even hit a jumper! Did the cork come out of the bottle his game has been trapped in? I doubt it. But if so, maybe Andy can give the Cavs everything they hoped Ben Wallace would.

Utah versus L.A.: Game 5

Home sweet home, Part II. Like the Celtics, the Lakers haven't lost at home in the postseason. (Of course, unlike the Celtics, they've won a pair of road games.) L.A. also got some serious benefit of the doubt from the officials in Games 1 and 2, to the tune of 89 free throw attempts. Strange how that changed in Utah (the Jazz enjoyed a 45-25 freethrhow advantage in Game 4). I have a feeling that 1) the Lakers will get loooots of FTs in Game 5 and 2) Derek Fisher will once again be allowed to lay hands on Deron Williams.

Kobe's back. Call me cynical, but I think that Mamba's back injury has been way overblown. But that won't stop the media from having a full-blown freakout if he plays well in Game 5. My prediction: If Mamba scores more than 30 points and the Lakers win, the resulting mediagasm might destroy us all.

Kobe's mind. Assuming Mamba's back really is sore, how will he deal with it during the game? "I think the key is to know what you can and can't do. I kind of know what I can and can't do." Well, that clears that up.

Kobe's drama. Leave it to Mamba to milk this injury for all it's worth. Said Mamba: "Sleeping's tough. This car ride home is going to be a beast, sitting in traffic." This kind of reminds me of all that drama surrounding Jordan's famous flu game, where we were supposed to believe that Mike "hardly had the strength to sit up in bed" but still managed to score 38 points. Strangely, nobody has ever pointed out that those two contradictory "facts" make no sense at all. Which means that if Kobe drops a huge load on the Jazz, nobody will point out that he was supposed to have been too sore to sleep or drive.

Kobe's man love. Kobe hearts Deron Williams. "I love him. He's one of my favorite players in the league. I love his toughness, I love his skill." Speaking of Deron...

John Stockton Deron Williams and Karl Malone Carlos Boozer. The only way the Jazz will ever break through on the road is if both of these guys have a great game. Not good games, not one great game and one okay game, I'm talking two great games. That hasn't happened on the road during the playoffs. I'm not sure that's happened on the road this year.

Matt Harpring's math madness. "To win the series, we have to win on the road. So we haven't gotten anywhere yet. The series is basically 0-0 and now it's the best two-out-of-three." I love it when basketball players try to simplify things for us.

Phil Jackson's ultra-violence. "I personally am for the cut-slash game. I like speed. Our team is long, lanky, lean. You've got to beat the opponent to the punch. You've got to deliver the first blow. That's what I'm telling the guys." Is he talking about basketball or a street fight?

Orlando versus Detroit: Game 5

The guarantee. Jameer Nelson played the "Take The Pressure Off Of My Teammates" card by promising a Magic win in Game 5. First he said, "We're going to make adjustments, and we're going to go there and win." Then, once the media finished dogpiling on him, he said, "What am I supposed to do? Guarantee a loss? We've got to win the game. We have the confidence that we can do it. I believe it." This statement could end up going down in Orlando Magic history along with T-Mac's famous "It feels good to finally get out of the first round" comment. And against the same team, no less!

The delusion. Rashard Lewis did more than just make a guarantee. He just sent plain crazy. "For some reason, I feel we are still the better team. We just made too many mistakes at the end. It was our mistakes, nothing they did. They still got to beat us one more time." For his next trick, Rashard will paint a big, red target on his back...

The response. Said Tayshaun Prince: "He doesn't have anything to lose by saying that. One thing he's probably trying to do is spark his club." Wow. Tough words there, Tayshuan. That ranks at about a 1.7 on the Trashtalk-O-Meter. And it's only that high because I imagined Tayshaun saying it in a really snide voice.

The hammy. The big question for the Pistons: How's Chauncey Billups' cranky hamstring? According to PIstons strength and conditioning coach Arnie Kander: "If you look at it from three or four days ago to today, it's night and day. Running good. Feeling good. He's had no setbacks and he comes in every morning feeling better." Meanwhile, Flip Saunders is being predictably noncommittal: "When he's ready to go, he's going to play." Thanks for clearing that up, Flip.

Washeed Wallace's intern. Wow. Downgraded from "Superman" to "supporting player's intern." It's been that kind of series so far for Dwight Howard, who scored only 8 points on 3-for-12 shooting in Game 4. His series averages - 15.5 points on 51 percent shooting, 12.5 rebounds and three blocks - are remarkable, maybe even amazing...but far from super. He's better power up on some yellow sun before Game 5.

Rip Hamilton. The Phantom of Auburn Hills has really stepped up his game since Billups went down, scoring 24 points in the Game 4 (when Chauncey first got hurt) and 32 in Game 5. It might be time for somebody like Maurice Evans to sweep the leg, because Rip is running his defenders into the ground.

San Antonio versus New Orleans: Game 5

Tempo. The Spurs are using their Anti-Phoenix Suns Defense against the Hornets: Take care of the ball, slow the game down to a crawl, and wait for the opponent to fall to pieces. And from midway through the third quarter of Game 3 through Game 4, it's worked to perfection. The Hornets need to force turnovers and pick up the pace in Game 5. They just need to pretend their running a race against somebody's grandpa...because that's pretty much what they're doing.

Composure. The Hornets looked rattled in Game 4. The Spurs haven't looked rattled since Manu brought big plate of meat into the team huddle. That should be Championship Lesson #1 for New Orleans.

Tyson Chandler. He made Tim Duncan disappear in Games 1 and 2, then he took Timmy's place in the Phantom Zone in Games 3 and (especially) 4. Will the real Tyson Chandler please stand up and block a shot or something?

Tim Duncan. He's the key. He's always the key. In Game 4, Timmah controlled the paint and the pace by scoring 22 points on 10-for-13 shooting and hauling down 15 rebounds. He also blocked 4 shots. When Duncan controls the game on both ends, the Spurs are nearly unstoppable. Short of, say, an elephant stampede or meteor storm.

David West. His Game 4 was both forgettable and regrettable: 10 points on 4-for-15 shooting. But that might actually be good news for the Hornets, since David has developed a habit of bouncing back from bad games.

Gregg Popovich versus Byron Scott. The series may be tied, but Pops is winning the coaching battle based mostly off of one major adjustment: Moving Manu Ginobili into the starting lineup. Thus far, Scott hasn't come up with an effective counter-adjustment. Can anybody say "Melvin Ely to the starting lineup"?!

Chris Paul. The kid is already learning a valuable lesson that all superstars must learn: You can't win it all by yourself. Speaking of CP3, here's a little math lesson from your shoulda-been MVP: "We're not down 0-3. It's 2-2. We'll go back up 3-2 with a win." I'm glad he was around to explain that.

Robert Horry. Will he play? Or will he just get a little garbage time? I hope it's the former, because as Reggie Miller put it, "'You don't put Robbert Horry in as a flower dressing!"

FanIQ tries to figure it out, and like others, they come to the conclusion that it's all in these players' heads.

It seems to be that players are psychologically drilled to believe that playing on the road is tougher than it is at home, especially during the playoffs. It's almost like Pavlov's dogs. Turn on the light, make the dogs slobber. Put the Celtics on the road, they can't win. It's not that Cleveland's crowd is the key difference, or that it's making Cleveland play any better, it's that Boston has the preconceived notion that the game will be tougher than it otherwise should be.

Think about it. If you're drilled your whole life by people like Collins and experts and coaches who say playing on the road is hard, then it's going to seem to hard. But the truth is, it really isn't.

Obviously, no one would know how difficult it is to win on the road in the NBA Playoffs better than a blogger. But still: It's not like the court's different — seriously, in Houston they have a freaking hill in center field — and crowds scream everywhere. They should be used to that by now, yes? Alas: 'Tis the mystery.

Trying To Understand The Rash Of NBA Playoff Road Losses [FanIQ]
Is Home Court A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy? [All On The Field]

• In Progress: Lakers at Jazz, Game 4. Ronny Turiaf just hit me. [ABC]
  
• NHL Eastern Conference Finals: Philadelphia Flyers vs. Pittsburgh Penguins, Game 2. It's Iron City vs. Yuengling, Pierogis vs. Scrapple, Pennsyl vs. tucky. 7:30 p.m. [Versus]
  
• MLB: Boston Red Sox at Minnesota Twins. Red Sox? In primetime? Zuuuuhhhh? 8 p.m. [ESPN]
  
• NBA: New Orleans Hornets at San Antonio Spurs, Game 4. Can you not love Chris Paul? You can't. [TNT]
  
• TV: The Simpsons. 8 p.m. Eh, it's new. [FOX]
  
• TV: Two-hour The Office marathon. 8 p.m. Watch it. Watch it now. 3,2,1. Do it. 5,4,3,2. Nownownow! [NBC]

• NBA: The Celtics have really carried over that road warrior status from the regular season, lose badly to the Cavs 108-84. But LeBron still didn't shoot particularly well!
  
• NHL: Red Wings take a 2-0 series lead over the Stars with a 2-1 win that includes just enough goalie fights.
  
• MLB: The Cardinals manage to not blow a save! Oh wait. Not Izzy. Right. Check.
  
• NASCAR: Kyle Busch wins at Darlington. Thus concludes Christmas Ape's NASCAR coverage.

Utah versus L.A.: Game 3

Sweet home, Energy Solutions Arena. Say it with me, kids: The Utah Jazz were 37-4 at home this season (although only 2-1 in the playoffs). So obviously the Jazz are going to be relying on a little home cookin' homecourt advantage in Game 3. Speaking of which...

Freethrows. The Lakers shot 89 in Games 1 and 2. The Jazz shot 46. I have a funny feeling that that ratio is going to flip-flop a bit.

Carlos Boozer. C'mon Booz...what's wrong? You've been slumping for, well, the entire playoffs and the last seven games or so of the regular season. Is everything okay at home? Actually, you know what? I don't care. Spank your inner moppet or whatever you need to do to get your head straight. Your team needs you.

The pick and roll. The Jazz live off it. The Lakers have stopped it. Dead. That's at least part of the reason Carlos is sucking so badly. He's not getting any easy baskets, and that's probably affecting his confidence when he's bombing from 15 feet.

General Obvious strikes again. Mr. Boozer can't hit a jump shot, but he can watch game film. "Right now they're packing the lane. That's what I would if I was their team right now. Pack the lane and make us hit jump shots. We have to knock them down." Well, he's right about two things: The Jazz need to hit their jumpers, and the Lakers are a bunch of packers.

Block party. The Lakers have blocked 17 shots in two games. That's, like, 8.5 blocks per game, which is a lot if you think about it. Although he wasn't available for comment, I'm sure Carlos would say that the Jazz need to focus on the basket and avoid the Lakers' meaty hands.

Grandpappy Obvious speaks. Jazz coach Jerry Sloan realizes that the Lakers will still play defense, even in Utah. "They're going to defend us. They're not going to drop off and say, 'OK, we're not going to defend you because we're not in L.A.'" Wow. Thanks for that, Jerry. I'm just...wow.

King Subtle speaks. Ah, Phil Jackson. He loves him some sly volleys, doesn't he? Earlier this week he offhandedly mentioned that the loud and boisterous nature of Utah's home crowd can intimidate officials, making them miss a foul here or there (or everywhere). He claimed to have "amnesia" when asked about that comment, but he did offer that "They're scrumming around. That's much more decisive on their court." True. Just like Kobe elbowing his way into the paint and Lamar Odom going over the back and Sasha Vujacic using two hands and a foot on defense is "much more decisive" at the Staples Center.

Deron Williams. He is the cheese to the Jazz's macaroni. And he needs to be extra cheesy tonight if Utah is going to get a win. Memo to Deron: You're being guarded by a 50-year-old man...take the ball to the hoop every time, okay?

Kobe Bryant. You've got your MVP, okay? Can you just, I don't know, go away now?

Andrei Kirilenko. If Jerry Sloan had a time machine, don't you think he'd use it to replace today's Kirilenko with the AK47 of, say, 2004? You bet your big, throbbing brain he would. And you know what? I'd do the same thing.

Lamar Odom. He is quietly killing the Jazz with his rebounding and his defense on Boozer. Nobody benefits more from the presence of Pau Gasol than Odom, who is obviously at his best as the third option. My solution: Kill Pau Gasol. It may be the only way. I keed, I keed. (But not really.)

Defense. It rocked in Game 1. Both teams got after it. It was gritty. It was a 48-minute scrum. It was...the late 90s all over again. If you liked that sort of thing.

Offense. It sucked in Game 1. Look, kids, I know that both teams were going balls-out on defense, but come on. Dudes were just flat-out missing shots, too. Especially LeBron, who looked like he downed some dizzy pills before the game. According to Pierce: "Offensively, we were a terrible-looking group. We turned the ball over 23 times, shot 40 percent from the field. We did just about everything wrong you could do offensively." Pretty much, yeah.

Doc Rivers versus Mike Brown. The chess game continues. Between two guys who probably should be playing Candyland. (See above.)

Commander Obvious. According to Paul Pierce: "(The Cavaliers) are going to try to do things to make it easier on LeBron." Thanks, Paul. Carlos Boozer approves.

Kevin Garnett. He-who-should-be-MVP was The Man in Game 1. He even hit the go-ahead basket with 22 seconds left. But he knows the Celtics have to win the title or the questions will follow him forever. The mission continues tonight.

David Stern. You just know it's killing him to have KG and the Celtics versus LeBron and the LeBrons in the second round. If he was human, he would probably be weeping right now instead of eating live babies. (I'm just kind of assuming on that last part.)

Zydrunas Ilgauskas. I expect another solid game from the Z-Man. Mostly because Kendrick Perkins has the footspeed and reaction time of molasses. Sorry. Frozen molasses.

Inner peace. LeBron isn't gonna sweat a bad game. Or even two bad games. "If I have a bad game or I have a bad two games, it's not like I'm soul-searching or anything like that." Well, that's a relief. I'd hate to think that the King was stressed out or anything.

San Antonio versus New Orleans: Game 3

Chris Paul. The kid turned 23 on Tuesday. Man...23, up 2-0 on the defending champs, and he probably should have been the MVP. Kind of puts your "accomplishments" in perspective, doesn't it? Sucks, huh?

Colonol Obvious, Part I. Tony Parker knows just what the Spurs have to do to get back into this series. "It sounds, like, easy, but we just have to play better. They just outplayed us the first two games and now we're playing at home and we have to make more shots and play better defense. We're going to change stuff but at the end of the day it's just basketball." Again, Carlos Boozer approves.

Colonol Obvious, Part II. Parker must have been in a giving mood this week, because - like any good Frenchman - he freely surrendered the secret of San Antonio's championship success: "Every year we won the championship, we got a lot of guys making shots." Okay. Now Carlos Boozer is just amazed.

The respect card. Ooo, ooo, ooo! There it is! Byron Scott finally threw it down! "We're not only playing the champions, we're playing for respect, because we felt all season long like we really haven't gotten it." Hm, let's see: Two All-Stars, a Coach of the Year award for you, and Chris Paul was the MVP runner-up. Yeah, Byron. You guys have been totally disrespected. Now go use it.

Tim Duncan versus Tyson Chandler. Who knew that the tall, lanky guy that got run out of Chicago by a mob of angry villagers would be playing Mr. Greatest Power Forward of All-Time to a standstill. In fact, Tyson might be a little be ahead. (That sound you just heard was the joint primal scream of John Paxson and Steve Kerr.)

Bruce Bowen. Rumor has it he'll be guarding Peja Stojakovic after the way Peja lit the Spurs up in Game 2. So what's he gonna use? Groin shot? Foot under foot? So many dirty tricks, so little time.

David West. Unstoppable in Game 1, stopped in Game 2. If Bowen does shut down/cripple Peja, West is going to have to step up because the Hornets don't have a bench.

Manu Ginobili. He came in 10th in MVP voting this year, but not because of anything he's done in this series. I'm calling it now: Tonight Manu goes off for 30 points, 7 rebounds, 8 assists, and 17 flops.

Utah versus L.A.: Game 2

Kobe Bryant. Congratulations to the Black Mamba for finally winning his first Lifetime Achievement Award MVP. It's been 12 years, thousands of jumpers, and several teammates/coaches/GMs thrown under the bus in the making. Put your hands together for Kobe Bryant, ladies and gentlemen! Random note: According to Carlos Boozer, "If we can go out there and ruin [Kobe's MVP] party a little bit by getting a victory, that helps us a lot." Thanks so much, Captain Obvious.

The free throw line. The Lakers were spoon-fed on the line in Game 1(46 attempts), particularly Kobe, who connected on a franchise playoff-record 21 in 23 attempts. Some would say this is because the Jazz are a physical, bump-and-grind team that makes opponents pay for their forays into the paint. Others would argue that it's because Kobe is allowed to forearm and elbow his way to the basket and then gets a favorable whistle whenever he misses a shot. But you know, truth is subjective, so make your own decision. Random note: According to Carlos Boozer, "If we can keep [Kobe] off the line, that would help us a lot." Thanks again, Captain Obvious. Keep this up and I'm promoting you to General Obvious.

The field. The Jazz were way off the mark in Game 1 — 37.9 percent shooting — and they'll probably need to, you know, hit some shots if they want to compete in Game 2. Andrei Kirilenko's good looks will only get them so far. According to Carlos Boozer, "We've got to make some adjustments." Yup. General Obvious.

The boards. Utah bullied their way to some serious rebounding dominance in the first game of this series: 58-41, including 25-8 on the offensive glass. Memo to the Lakers: Giving up 25 offensive rebounds is usually a problem.

Hands and feet. You know how the Lakers got 46 free throws? That's because the Jazz played defense like a drunken octopus, and their wooden limbs hacked and slashed their way to 34 personal fouls.

Carlos Boozer. Is Carlos in a mini-slump? Here are his shooting performances from Utah's last four playoff games: 6-for-14, 6-for-17, 8-for-18 and 3-for-13. Sure seems like it to me. Random note: According to Carlos Boozer, "I'd love for us to go out there and get a win. For us to come back (to Utah) with a split would be much better than coming back here 0-2." Carlos Boozer...a four-star General Obvious.

Orlando versus Detroit: Game 3

The game clock. I would be willing to bet one million Basketbawful bucks there won't be any clock malfunctions in Game 3. What do you think?

Reverse stat curse. Orlando has lost nine straight playoff games to Detroit, including both last year's 4-0 first-round sweep that 2003 series in which the Pistons took the last three games to overcame a 3-1 deficit. One more loss would tie the Magic with three other teams for the second-longest postseason losing streak to one team in NBA history. There's no way Orlando is going to fall victim to that kind of obscure statistical anomaly...right?

Ball control. The Magic need some. Badly. They turned the rock over 19 times in Game 2 — Dwight Howard, Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu combined for 17 of them — and those bumbles transformed into 22 Pistons points. According to Jameer Nelson, "When you turn the ball over you aren't giving yourself a chance." Look out, Carlos. Jameer might have his eye on your generalship.

Dwight Howard's thumb. Superman deep-sixed his ditched his thumb brace because he couldn't grip the ball. "There were a lot of passes and rebounds that slipped right out of my hand. It was fine in practice the other day, but before the game the ball was slippery, and I just had to get rid of it." Huh. It'll be interesting to see whether the thumb effects him tonight.

Jason Maxiell. Stan Van Gundy opted to leave Mad Maximus open in Game 2, and the kid went 5-for-5...shades of Caldwell Jones in Game 2 of the 1982 Eastern Conference Finals. And I'm betting I'm the only person who would have thought of that. Never mind. Anyway, I'm guessing the bro' of Van Ghouly will instruct his players to get a hand in Maxiell's face going forward.

Hair power. This was sent in by Deadspin reader Ben: "Detroit Pistons FACTS!

— Samuel Dalembert got a funny mohawk before game 4 of the Pistons-Sixers series.

— JJ Redick has a mohawk that is funny in a different way.

— The Pistons are undefeated in the 2008 playoffs against Mohawk Teams.

You read it here first. The Magic need to steal Redick's hair gel or shave his head. Otherwise, this series is over in four.

Cleveland versus Boston: Game 1

LeBron James. The King shut up his critics — which consisted mostly of DeShawn Stevenson and the rest of the Wizards — by crushing his first-round foes under his royal boot. The Wiz did their best to rough him up and beat him down, but he still averaged a near triple-double (29.8 PPG, 9.5 RPG, 7.7 APG). Can LeBron pull the sword from the stone against Boston? (Yeah, prob