1. Michael Beasley: Dude is a straight-up athlete. His size, strength, and Plastic Man-like arms allow him to score from inside (53 percent shooting) and out (38 percent from three). During his freshman year at Kansas, he put up points (26.2), pulled down boards (12.4) and showed great versatility (in the NBA, he'll be able to play either SF or PF). His 1:2.5 assist-to-turnover ratio is a concern (think Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph), but let's face it: You want Beasley scoring, not running the offense. His biggest drawbacks seem to be that he's "immature" and — instead of the 6'10" he was reported to be in college — he's actually about four feet tall.

2. Derrick Rose: This kid is a strong, speedy PG who can blow by his man and shoot from distance but tends to think pass-first (ala Deron Williams). The biggest positive, though, is that he's solid on offense and defense. He's supposed to be a great leader, too. The biggest negatives are his sometimes clunky jumper (think a slightly better version of Rajon Rondo) and his poor freethrow stroke (71 percent). Fun fact: Rose has a tattoo on his left biceps depicting a wizard holding a staff in one hand and a basketball in the other. The tat is below the word "Poohdini."

3. O.J. Mayo: He's a shooter who can also get to the hoop and finish. People say he's very strong and has an "NBA-ready body" (I assume this means he's capable of fathering multiple children with several different women). Mayo can light it up (20.7 PPG last season) and bomb from deep (41 percent three-point shooting), and he can also D-up (when he chooses to). Unfortunately, he tends to believe that "defense" is just "waiting to get back on offense." Furthermore, he doesn't have a mid-range jumper and he's not much of a passer (3.3 APG compared to 3.5 TOs). Reports say that he's an egomaniac...but what NBA player isn't?

4. Jerryd Bayless: Don't be concerned by the fact that there are some vowels missing from his first name. Jerryd can score (19.7 PPG) and shoot (41 percent from downtown), and his decision-making ain't bad (1.4:1 assist-to-turnover ratio). A lightning-quick first step combined with mad springs allow him shuttle past his defenders, which sure compliments his air game. Don't expect this kid to hit the glass, though. And his defense is a little lacking for somebody so athletic (only 1.0 SPG). Can get a little shot-happy from time to time.

5. Kevin Love: Everything inside my brain is screaming to drop Love out of the Top 5. He's a white banger who draws favorable comparisons to Bill Walton. Need I say more? He put up numbers (17.5 PPG and 10.6 RPG) while shooting lights out (56 percent), and is considered an "amazing passer" despite his 1.9:2.0 assist-to-turnover ratio. He has a complete offensive game — baby hooks, mid-range jumpers, long-distance bombs, fantastic shot fakes, etc. — and he's tough on the boards and his opponents. But he's slow, bound by gravity, lacks stamina and has already struggled with knee issues. All of which mean he could end up being more Ostertag than Walton.

6. Russell Westbrook: I'll admit it: Westbrook has seduced me with his athleticism. He can sprint and slash, and explodes off the ground like NASA built him. He's not a great ball-handler and can't hit consistently from distance, but he's an above average passer who has shown a knack for improvement. He has strong work ethic and an aching hunger to play defense. He has...I can't believe I'm saying it...incredible upside.

7. Danilo Gallinari: Hey, what would the Top 10 be without at least one Euro player? And the G-Man is your typical Euro-style baller: He can score, rebound and pass, moves without the ball, hits from mid-range and has the all-important "high basketball IQ" (read that: he's not fast or athletic, but he can still play). He's got some solid pro-lite experience playing in the Italian league — in 2006 he was nominated best Italian player of LegADue championship and he was recently awarded with the Euroleague 2007-08 Rising Star Trophy — but anybody described as "a better long-term prospect than Andrea Bargnani" makes me nervous. Very nervous.

8. Eric Gordon: Some say he's like Ben Gordon 2.0. Okay, I said that, but still. The kid's a jumping jack who can shoot from area code range and take it to the hoop thanks to his crazy speed and springs. He's also a rugged defender who knows how to play the game. Unfortunately — to continue the Ben Gordon comparison — he's small for a SG (6'3") but not really cut out for point duty (mediocre handles, questionable shot selection, erratic passing). His shooting got ugly after he suffered a wrist injury in January. But he should be fine now. Ideal role: Sparkplug off the bench who can put up points fast.

9. Brook Lopez: Normally, I'd never let somebody named "Brook" sneak into my Top 10. However, the dude is big (7'1") and beefy (258 lbs), and he has a wide range of post moves. Hell, he can even stroke the J from up to 18 feet out. He's reasonably athletic and has a solid mind for hoops, but he's a little substandard on the boards despite his size and athleticism (8.2 RPG last season). His shot selection is sometimes under suspicion of sucking.

10. D.J. Augustin: This kid can score (19.2 PPG last season) and serve the rock (5.8 APG with a 2.1:1.0 assist-to-turnover ratio). He can bomb from outside (38 percent three-point shooting) and use his speed and springs to get to the rim...and finish. Here's the problem: He's not even as tall as the 6'0" he's listed at (probably closer to 5'10"). So no matter how talented he is — and he's really, really talented — that kind of, ahem, shortcoming will make it hard for any team to play him consistently against bigger PGs (which is just about everybody).

11. Joe Alexander: This guy has skills (scores inside and out, can leap out of the gym, knows the game, quick on his feet) and pedigree (three seasons at West Virginia). BUT...he can't handle the rock, tends to streak (at best) from distance and is a so-so rebounder for somebody his size. Makes me think of Brad Lohaus, and that's not a good thing. But one scout claimed that Joe is "obsessed" with improving and reminds him more of Tom Chambers. Maybe he's somewhere in between, more of a Brad Chambers, perhaps.

12. Brandon Rush: Rush is athletic, tall for a SG (6'7") and can flat-out light it up from Three Land (43 percent over three seasons at Kansas). Rush also rebounds well for a guard. He's strong, long-armed and versatile enough to play spot duty at SF. Three years at college means he's (probably) more mature and ready to contribute than most of the one-and-dones. The digs are that his handles are broke and he can't create his own shot. He's also had a history of ACL woes and he can't straighten his arm because of a childhood elbow injury.

13. Kosta Koufos: Typically, I don't trust big men from Ohio State. Remember that Greg Oden guy who went number one last year? What a bust! But it's hard to pass up a seven-footer with the wingspan of a pterodactyl who can score inside, shoot from outside and throw his weight around. He had a decent freshman year and averaged 26.5 points, 13 rebounds, 3.5 blocks and 1.4 steals in the U-18 European Championships this summer. That's the good news. The bad news is he's a sluggish defender who tends to disappear when he's not playing well...and his toughness has already come under question. Might be Darko Milicic 2.0.

14. Anthony Randolph: Athletic. Go-Go Gadget Arms. Wacko springs. Offense from the low post to mid-range. Fast. A solid rebounder and shot blocker. So why's he here instead of up there? Dude is a freaking twig: He's 6'10" but only 197 pounds. It's time to invest Beefcake 2000, otherwise a strong wind might blow this kid and all his potential far, far away.

15. Darrell Arthur: Mr. Arthur can streak from end line to end line, and his length and superior athletic ability allow him to score and defend against both SFs and PFs. He can score with his back to the basket and hit from the middle of the floor, and he'll even crash the boards. The not-so-upside is that he's a bit puny for the forward position, lacks three-point range and has been labeled a "black hole." Not good. Oh, and he tends to zone out. He's gotten this far on potential. It'll be interesting to see if he realizes it.

The goofy looks around the bar at halftime betrayed any fear of jinxing; this title was happening, and one couldn't pretend otherwise. The dominance of the Celtics was overwhelming, all-encompassing and enthralling; it really had the feel of a Harlem Globetrotters-Washington Generals game. Down the stretch, it was like a band winding down a great set. There's Big Baby Davis with a dunk! Leon Powe! Eddie House! Give it up for James Posey! Everybody got their moment. What drama was sucked out by the blowout was more than made up for by the emotional earthquake afterwards; we were legitimately frightened Kevin Garnett was going to explode into a splash of blood and confetti.

It was a celebration, a reminder of what Boston basketball once was and what it was again. We found it best not to attach the Celtics to the Patriots and the Red Sox; let the true diehards have their moment, for they had earned it. (Though if the Celtics win again next year, all bets are off.)

We'll talk about Kobe Bryant and how no one can ever think of him the same, no matter what happens the rest of his career, a little later. For now, we congratulate the Celtics and their fans; these come along rarely, even for Boston fans, and must be held as tightly, for as long, as possible.

Complete and utter destruction. There's no other way to describe last night's 131-92 obliteration of the Los Angeles Lakers. The Boston Celtics didn't just earn their 17th banner, they wrapped it around the Lakers' collective neck and choked them with it. The 39-point bulge set an NBA Finals record for the largest margin in a deciding game. Boston pounded L.A. on the boards (48-29), bogarted the ball at every opportunity (a Finals record 18 steals) and put up a defensive wall the likes of which none of the Lakers — including regular season MVP Kobe Bryant — had ever seen.

"They were definitely the best defense I've seen the entire playoffs. I've seen some pretty stiff ones and this was right up there with them." The entire playoffs? How about his entire career? To my knowledge, no team has ever done such a good job of containing and/or flat-out stopping the Mamba over eight games — twice during the regular season and six times during the finals — than these Celtics. And I'm not talking about the skittish rookie who was tossing up airballs against the Jazz in 1997. I'm talking about Kobe at the height of his powers during his MVP season. Tom Thibodeaux, none of us are worthy.

The Celtic roster was filled with heroes. Paul Pierce, playing on his famously (or infamously) injured knee, finished with 17 points, 10 assists and 1 Finals MVP award. Kevin Garnett, who described his performance in Game 5 as "trash" and "garbage," had 26 points, 14 rebounds, 4 assists, and three steals. Ray Allen, who almost got his eye gouged out, hit seven three-pointers and scored 26 points. Rajon Rondo, who was left for dead by everybody outside of the Boston locker room, scored 21 points (on 20 shots) to go along with 7 rebounds, 8 assists and 6 steals. James Posey was 3-for-3 from beyond the arc. And the rest of the lineup did what they had to do.

Meanwhile, the Laker roster was filled with goats. Kobe, after opening the game with 11 points on 4-for-5 shooting, missed seven shots in a row and finished with 22 points (7-for-22), 3 rebounds, 1 assist and 4 turnovers. Lamar Odom had a double-double (14 points, 10 rebounds) but shot 2-for-8 and missed five free throws. Pau Gasol (11 points, 8 boards) played small and coughed up the ball five times. Vladimir Radmanovic took some awful threes and barely finished with more points (6) than fouls (5). And...well, you get the picture.

The only downside of the amazing turnaround from 24 wins to an NBA title — at the expense of the hated Lakers no less — is the fact that Red Auerbach didn't live long enough to see it happen. But I have to assume that Red passed the Celtic matrix of leadership on to Danny Ainge, Optimus Prime-style. Because, let's face it, last summer Ainge put together a championship team faster than I can make a grilled cheese sandwich. (Damn my hook hands!)

And Paul Pierce, who (unlike some superstars) spent years and years playing (for the most part) selflessly for bad teams, has finally carved out his own spot in Celtic lore. Said the Truth: "It means so much more because these are the guys, the Havliceks, the Bill Russells, the Cousys. These guys started what's going on with those banners. They don't hang up any other banners but championship ones. And now I'm part of it."

And so is Kevin Garnett, who was bursting apart at the seams after the win, dropping to his knees and kissing the Celtic leprechaun before embracing his hero/father figure Bill Russell and saying: "I got my own! I got my own!"

Said Russell: "You sure did."

Ubuntu.s

The game was almost a formality. Hey, it was nice of the Lakers to show up to the arena and wear different-colored jerseys in hopes that the Celtics didn't have to clinch by doing lay-up drills, but that's what it felt like. I mean, seriously? A freakin' 39-point victory to finish the series? This is what it came to. Somebody fiddled with the NBA Jam cheats for the Boston side and enabled everything but large heads.

Where was the drama? Where was the semblance of a comeback by the venerable Phil Jackson, the assassin Kobe Bryant and his now-trusted teammates? Moreover, when do his trade rumors start up again?

So there you have it. Boston is again a championship town. Phew, that was a harrowing couple of months.

Kevin Garnett. KG dropped an greasy stink bomb in Boston's Game 5 loss. And he knew it. This is how Garnett described his craptacular performance: "It was trash. I played like garbage tonight." But he also said, "I can do better and I will," later adding that "It's going to be like coming into the Amazon, into the jungle. I look forward to coming home and playing." Ooooookay. Well, KG, giving the Celtics some scoring, rebounding, and sound interior defense would be nice. Avoiding a bunch of stupid reaching fouls would be even better.

Fickle fate, Part I. The Celtics have two chances at home to win the title...and that's about the only thing they have going in their favor right now. Paul Pierce has a bum knee and nobody knows how bad it is (he refused an MRI because he didn't want to know had bad the damage was until after the Finals). Rajon Rondo sprained his ankle and his confidence. Kendrick Perkins has a strained shoulder and is a game-time decision (my prediction: he plays, but poorly). And, finally, Ray Allen has been dealing with an undisclosed health issue with one of his kids. Note to Danny Ainge: This is what happens when you make a deal with the Devil. It never ends well.

Fickle Fate, Part II. As if all that crap wasn't enough, the Celtics - like the Spurs before them — had plane problems after a critical playoff game. The team was supposed to leave L.A. yesterday at 11 a.m. Pacific time, but because of mechanical issues with the plane, they didn't leave until after 2:30 p.m., and they arrived at Hanscom Field in Bedford around 10:30 p.m. Eastern time. So basically, instead of being all banged up, they get to be banged up and tired. But what can you do? Nothing, according to Doc Rivers. "There's nothing you can do about it. It's a tough one, as tough as you can have. I think going West to East is tougher. Sleep patterns are messed up. There's no way around it. It's just a tough turnaround. I wish we could do this on Thursday and just skip a Tuesday." And I wish I was swimming in a giant money bin full of gold coins and hookers, but it's probably not in the cards.

Officiating. Tonight's referees: Eddie F. Rush, Bennett Salvatore, and Joey Crawford. And we all know about the controversies surrounding the last two (but you can go here to read about it if you want). For some reason, the ongoing officiating situation reminds me of that scene from Monty Python and The Holy Grail where the townspeople are trying to prove that chick is a witch. With the refs being the townspeople, of course.

Must-not-see TV, Part I. This is Celtics-Lakers, baby! Everybody's watching, right? Wrong. This year's NBA Finals are currently on pace for only the sixth-best championship round rating in the 10 years since Michael Jordan pushed off of Bryon Russell and shot his way to a storybook ending that he would later totally ruin by playing in Washington. Anyway, the ratings for Game 5 were up 11 percent from Game 5 of the 2006 Heat-Mavs Finals, which is only slightly more impressive than being named "primary staff contact" for your local Storm Trooper garrison. I blame the NBA. That week of waiting for the Finals was stuffed so full of classic games and hype articles that even die-hard basketball fans are vomiting purple and gold and pooping out green and white.

Must-not-see TV, Part II. Boston sportswriter Bob Ryan has his pink princess panties all in a bunch over how unwatchable the Finals have been so far. Because three out of five games featuring 20-point comebacks with thrilling finishes is totally yawntastic. I'm sure that Bob is dreaming wistfully of those halcyon days of 1984 when his beloved Celtics won the championship despite shooting 39 percent from the field...now that would be awesome.

Matt Damon. He's a Celtics fan who — according to Bill Simmons — had the temerity to root for his team in the vicinity of Phil Jackson. And Phil Jackson didn't like that. Apparently, the Zen Master told Damon to "Sit down and shut the fuck up." Ouchie. Sounds like Phil needs a little daily om. Anyway, the real reason I brought this up was so I could link to this clip from Team America: World Police. Matt Damon!!!

He said it. Paul Pierce, who dropped a mighty 38 on the Lakers in Game 5, proved he could shoot off at the mouth, too. Said the Truth: "We're one up, with two games to go at home. It still feels like we have the advantage, and I do feel like we're the better team." Oh, man. Aren't guys supposed to save the whole "we're the better team" shtick for when they're whining and making excuses about why they lost? Just ask Doug Christie.

Kobe Bryant. He's spent the last several days talking about Harry Potter and reminiscing about how his grandparents used to live in Muhammad Ali's old house. Which I guess is his way of avoiding the subject of how the Celtics have contained him and all the discussion about how he's not like Mike after all. But boy wizards and old boxers aside, Kobe needs to stop bleeping the bleep out of his teammates and bleep up the Boston defense, because if he doesn't dominate, the Lakers are finished.

We hope that Sox fans will remember how Busch Stadium security — in a move that's pretty magnanimous even for St. Louis fans — allowed Red Sox boosters outside the old Busch Stadium to watch the end of Game 4 of the World Series for free. You have to be nice to us now, right?

More to the point: For all the success, infuriating and otherwise, that the New England area has had to celebrate over the last few years, they've never actually clinched a title at home. Both the World Series wins were on the road, and the Super Bowl wins were, you know, at the Super Bowl. We are curious how Boston will handle a hometown championship win.

If it happens, of course.

We looked up Irv — positively identified by Getty Images — and it appears he was once a co-owner of Sun Mare Health Care. He seems to have sold his share in the company just in time: Before it went out of business, but after he had enough to afford courtside Lakers tickets close enough to talk to Sasha Vujacic.

We're fairly certain these two went out hunting for chicks postgame. Better fit 'em in before you gotta head back to Boston.

And David Stern sighs in relief. Ever wonder why the NBA Finals — unlike any other playoff series in league History — uses a 2-3-2 format? Well, this is why. Had Game 5 been played in Boston with the Celtics holding a 3-1 lead, the series would probably be over. Instead, the Lakers' 103-98 victory ensures at least one more game, which means more primetime TV, which means more commercials sold, which means more $$ for the league ... you get the idea. But hey, who doesn't want more Lakers-Celtics, right? Uh, right? Anybody? Okay. Never mind, then.

Game 5 started out like a replay of Game 4, with L.A. taking a 17-point lead after one quarter (39-22) and Boston storming back. But like any not-quite-as-good sequel, there were some minor changes to the script. This time, for added viewing pleasure, Kobe Bryant went off for 15 first-quarter points on the strength of four three-pointers. And instead of waiting until the third quarter to mount their comeback, the Celtics outscored the Lakers 30-16 in the second — thanks to a point explosion by Paul Pierce — to cut the L.A. lead to three.

Pierce shredded the Laker "defense" all night, finishing with 38 points, 6 rebounds, 8 assists and 19 [!!] free throw attempts. But he also had a team-high 5 turnovers, the last of which was poked away by Kobe (25 points, 7 rebounds, 4 assists, 5 steals, 6 turnovers) and converted into a game-breaking dunk with 37.4 seconds left.

Said Mamba: "I was just kind of reading the play and I was able to get my hands on the ball and get out and get a dunk." If by "read" he meant "totally gambled" and by "the ball" he meant "Pierce's arm and chest," he's exactly right.

Lamar Odom lived up to his Robin role by contributing 20 points, 11 rebounds, 4 blocked shots, and several slightly maniacal grins. The Spanish Marshmallow Pau Gasol, in addition to screaming in faux agony every time he took a shot inside, scored 19, grabbed 13 and dished 6. Derek Fisher added 15 points, Jordan Farmar scored 11 off the bench, and Sasha Douchachick improved on his 1-for-9 performance in Game 4 by shooting 2-for-10.

On the flipside, Pierce didn't get a lot of help from the rest of Boston's ménage à trois. Ray Allen scored 16 points on 4-for-13 shooting before fouling out. Meanwhile, Kevin Garnett finished with a double-double (13 points, 14 rebounds), but he had 4 turnovers (to zero assists), was limited to only 33 minutes because of foul trouble, and missed a kinda-sorta easy put back with 26 seconds left that would have cut the L.A. lead to two.

If one of those guys had played just a teensy bit better, there might have been some champagne popping in the Celtics locker room last night. As it is, the Lakers now have a sliver of hope. And Phil Jackson thinks it might be enough: "A lot of things can happen. We're young enough and dumb enough to be able to do this."

I guess we'll find out just how dumb they are on Tuesday night in Boston.

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Fourth Quarter

:16.7 — You ordered your Game 5 medium-well? Then I do believe the game has been cooked to perfection and is on its way to the dinner table. Do you need anything else? Wet naps? Ketchup?

:24.8 — The rarest of animals! Three missed free throws by Derek Fisher tonight. Don't get too close, it might scurry away. One of two goes in, and it's 100-95 Lakers.

:26.8 — Oof. What I'd like to see is a FG percentage chart of tip rebounds for the Celtics. Lakers ball with a four-point lead.

:37.4 — Just when things were looking Boston-y, Bryant strips the ball, gets it back on the outlet pass, and makes a "0-foot basketball shot," known in non-Euclidean scientist jargon as a "slamming dunk."

1:14 — Or not? Paul Pierce knocks down a tandem of free shots, and he's got 38 points. Lakers lead by two.

1:37 — An offensive board on the LA side. Even more probable still.

2:02 — With a four-point lead, the Lakers coyly allow about 17 offensive rebounds, but none of the tip-ins connect. A Game 6 looks very probable.

2:31 — There's ten minutes left in Father's Day, and I still haven't gotten him anything yet, so part of that gift will be sharing the IM he just typed to me: "the aerial coverage by Goodyear adds a special dimension to this basketball game."

Here's an idea. If this game's tied after 48, rather than play overtime, they should just play another regulation game immediately after the U.S. Open.

3:31 — In a five-second span, both Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett collect their fifth fouls. Which means Chris Mihm found a way to channel his spirit into the Celtics defense. I guess when you spend so much time on the bench, mastery of the metaphysical is only common sense.

4:33 — So the game begins. Garnett's jump shot ties the game at 90.

6:22 — Luke Walton defended Paul Pierce like he was the second-to-last guy still alive in the Rollerball championship. He basically ran at him, reached in, and fell to the ground. That's his fifth foul.

8:19 — Needs to be said again: Sasha Vujacic, stop taking shots.

8:35 — Sasha Vujacic, who should probably stop shooting the basketball, gets his own rebound, holds a jump ball with Sam Cassell, then remembers that commercial where the pick-up basketball players dive into the "water." Unfortunately, this particular court's hardwood is made of hard wood, and commercials are not real, so he just looked like a doofus flopping to the ground.

9:03 — Luke Walton extends the lead to 14, and there's Bill Walton smiling. And I mean smiling. Either he has two sets of teeth, or they caught him with a mouth full of Altoids.

10:17 — So, who had Jordan Farmar going off for a little burst of scoring?

11:03 — Lamar Odom is getting it all wrong. They're supposed to let Boston begin the quarter with a run.

Third Quarter

:03.1 — Ah, the formulaic story of the quarter. Pass, pass, miss. Pass, pass, miss. Pass, pass, tip, strip, pass, miss, tip, tip, tip, out of bounds, NBA Finals on ABC.

:37.4 — Eddie House's outlet pass crisply meets the scorer's table. Even though the scoring officails were open, they absolutely suck at shooting form there. Plus, they were standing out of bounds.

1:48 — Ray Allen misses about four shots in a row. But I still hold the world record.

3:36 — Eddie House's neck is bleeding, and yet nobody suspects Al Davis?

5:00 — And we finally have a run. Los Angeles is now up 71-64, and Boston takes a timeout. I guess with all these miraculous comebacks, you basically want to see someone build a lead and see if they can hold it.

5:17 — Okay, damn. Derek Fisher's glass-banking basket while being fouled was pretty sweet. Almost makes me want to praise the third quarter.

6:20 — Why did they make a PS3 video game based off the movie Delta Farce and name it Battlefield: Bad Company?

8:23 — This is what you call competitive, even-handed, basketball. Good defense, good offense, everybody's scoring, nobody's making a run, and it's a close game. In other words, your garden variety blasé third quarter of an NBA game. Would it be all right with everyone if I just wrote a dissertation on Mega Man until two minutes remaining in the fourth quarter?

10:26 — After precisely 47 offensive rebounds, a Ray Allen jumper finally ties the game.

So we were graced with a halftime special about how Bill Walton loves his son Luke. It'd be more intriguing if it was a feature about Chris Mihm's father disowning him after that inbounds pass. But that's why I'm not a TV producer.

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Halftime Entertainment

Second Quarter

:00.000,0*0^0 — These games go a lot faster during a live blog, it seems.

:57.2 — A lot of running around, colliding, and breath-catching without any points being scored. They could have saved their energy and just played Uncle Wiggily for a couple minutes. Remember Uncle Wiggily?

4:03 — I like the sneak peek into the coaching huddle. You can see Doc Rivers is actually doing coaching things, drawing coaching plays. Phil Jackson merely said something along the line of, "Do what I already told you to do. And you will score points." Basically, he already did his coaching.

4:25 — Sam Cassell is not going to get any points by shooting the ball through the hoop. Boston should realize this by now.

5:44 — An advertisement for the NBA Finals is not necessary when it's aired during ... the NBA Finals. See, we're already kind of sold on this whole idea.

6:41 — That lead was 19 at one point, right? Well, hey, now it's four. A 3-point bucket puts the Lakers lead at 43-39.

6:50 — So there you have a missed call. The ball went out of bounds off PJ Brown, but it still is part of the Celtics deed. Although it wasn't Dick Bavetta's notarized signature on that whistle.

7:37 — Kevin Garnett now has three fouls. It's time for evasive maneuvers. Kevin McHale has agreed to acquire two of those fouls in exchange for their 2009 first round draft pick and Chris Gatling.

9:14 — I'm not sure if I'm sold on this Opportunity Knocks TV show. A reality-style show where they come to your house and build a game show studio? Weaksauce. Hey, I have an idea for a reality TV show. A game show host knocks on someone's door, and murders the entire family. Then they steal everything, then invite their friends over and assume the family's identity, maxing out credit cards and having the old family's friends over for dinner parties. I call the show: The Aristocrats!

9:21 — Chris Mihm inbounds to Tony Allen. Even Tony Allen's own team doesn't inbound to Tony Allen.

10:12 — James Posey, fighting for a rebound, falls into the second row of people sitting on the floor. That's a pretty bad lie, but I think Lee Westwood can punch it out of there and save par.

10:54 — Hey, that sounds like a good plan. Instead of, in Game 4, you let the Celtics back in the game, perhaps the Lakers should just hold the lead and continue scoring. Innovative basketball thinking!

11:43 — The announcing team is visibly shaken when they see Chris Mihm in the game.

First Quarter

:00.9 — A PJ Brown goaltend call puts in the first quarter lead at 17 points. All of you with parlays of that nature, please collect your winnings at your local Minutiae Caesar's.

:28.9 — The Lakers are putting the end of the quarter on cruise control, and yet Sasha Vujacic and Jordan Farmar continue to push that lead up into the medium-to-high teens, which means this lead is legally fuckable in some states and not others.

1:08 — PJ Brown checks into the game. So you have 12 guys on a roster, and a couple of retired numbers. And PJ Brown goes for 93. He's not a defensive lineman. He's not a NASCAR Nationwide driver. Why the hell 93?

3:31 — Van Gundy: "Do you need to chant 'MVP' after a guy already won it?" Yes, when as Lakers fans you need mental reminders to determine if this is a night you like Kobe Bryant or not. Moreover, chants of "BRING BACK SHAQ" will help the fans pine for the days of yore.

6:13 — Paul Pierce makes a basket, but it's still 18-7 in favor of the Lakers. I have no past evidence to tell me whether or not the Celtics can overcome such a bad first quarter deficit.

7:10 — For all the tech issues going on today, I will say this: the live blogging is several centuries faster than it was last time. The updates are almost instantaneously hitting the page. Such as this update. And this one. Poop. [waves hand in front of server, giggles uncontrollably.]

7:52 — Rajan Rondo cuts through defenders to take a lay-u... or not! That's the pass-first, crochet-second, upholster-third, shoot-fourth mentality. The ensuing shot is missed.

9:43 — Derek Fisher gets fouled directly into a cameraman. Ouch. This is like when I pushed a kid at recess into another kid, yet I get in trouble. Sure, I'll take blame for the first contact, but after that it was out of my control. Blame inertia, Mrs. McCloskey.

10:04 — Oh, yeah. Dick Bavetta is officiating this game. This'll be good.

10:43 — The Lakers, playing by American Gladiators "Eliminator" rules, get a minute-and-a-half headstart in the game, and jump to a 5-0 lead. I'm sure Boston will show up at some point.

And at least for a while, the ESPN editors allowed it on the website.

Rooting for the Celtics is like saying Hitler was a victim. It's like hoping Gorbachev would get to the blinking red button before Reagan.

Oh, don't bother Command+F looking for it in her article, the editors have, you could say, taken it out of commission like Archduke Ferdinand. Even the Google cache of Hill's article has already been Norby'd, so there's no chance of seeing where in the story it was mentioned, or what other dark moments in history are like cheering for the Celtics.

Now I just recently laughed pretty hard at the Paul Pierce stabbing joke a couple posts ago and yet I think comparisons to Hitler are virtually off limits. Then again, ESPN editors also left the comparison to Skip Bayless in there, and that might be an even worse Godwin.

Deserving Or Not, I Still Hate The Celtics [ESPN.com]

Yesterday Pierce was asked what the difference was between Carmelo Anthony and himself. His answer: "I've never gotten a DUI."

Hilarious! Good. Now use that sass and aim it toward the Lakers. They're on the ropes. You're one game away from a championship. Go for the kill! Because shots at Carmelo, at this point in history, are like easier than the ones defended by Sasha Vujacic. See? That's how easy it is. Feel free to use that one before tonight's game.

Pierce-ing Words For Melo [Edmonton Sun]

That'll teach me to go to the bathroom. So it's the third quarter, and the Celtics are down by a jillion. Lamar Odom is smiling like a baby with bad gas and Pau Gasol is doing his crazy mountain man thing. I was annoyed. Disgusted even. Shrugging my shoulders, I grabbed a magazine and decided to go free the chocolate hostages. What was the point of watching, right? The Lakers were dismantling the Green Machine and Kobe, at the time, had like one field goal. I honest-to-goodness figured it was over.

Good call, huh?

I returned from a thoroughly unsatisfying dump — yeah, I know, probably TMI — to find Boston trailing by only two points. I seriously would not have been any more surprised if Santa Claus and Bigfoot had been in my living room watching the game. L.A. was leading by 24 points in the first quarter, which I believe was the largest first-quarter lead in NBA Finals history. The Lakers were still up by 18 at halftime, thanks to a crazy, running three-pointer by Jordan Farmar that banked in at the buzzer. And Kobe Bryant was a complete non-factor during all of this. I mean, there couldn't have been a bigger sign that the Celtics were toast.

Nobody told them that, though. Boston outscored L.A. 31-15 in the third, thanks in part to a 10-1 run to end the quarter. The Celtics then used a 21-3 run in the final five minutes to finish off what may be the greatest Finals comeback ever. How in the world?! How'd Phil Jackson — Mr. Lord of the Rings, Hall of Fame Coach himself — get out-thunk by Doc "Everybody thought I was a retard last year" Rivers? Maybe it was genius, or maybe his hand was forced by injuries (to Rajon Rondo and Kendrick Perkins), but Doc went to a small lineup full of bombers — KG, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, James Posey and Eddie House — and it worked. Big time. And Jackson had no answer for it.

Paul Pierce had 20 points, 7 assists, and did a better-than-you-woulda-believed job of guarding Kobe in the second half. Ray Allen played every single second of the game and finished with 19 points and 9 rebounds, plus he walked calmly around Sasha Vujacic's slap-happy defense and hit a game-clenching reverse layup. Kevin Garnett added 16 and 11, and (as promised) he made a concerted effort to take the ball inside instead of bailing out and shooting jumpers.

But damn, the real heroes of the game were James Posey (18 points, 4-for-8 from distance) and Eddie House (11 points, two huge fourth-quarter threes). They brought energy off the bench and the spread the Laker defense so thin that Stephen Hawking could have wheelchaired in for a layup. Assuming he hasn't already transferred his amazing brain into an unstoppable robot body.

Kobe Bryant finished with 17 points on 19 shots after not scoring a point in the first half. He is the MVP and — as Mike Breen bleated out about 20 times last night — the best closer in the game. But he couldn't close last night. Said Mamba: "They were determined not to let me beat them tonight. I saw three, four bodies every time I touched the ball." Which is pretty standard defense against a superstar, right? Look as great as Kobe is — and he is great — can we all just go ahead and agree that he's not Michael Jordan?

Anyway, Lamar Odom led the Lakers with 19 points (15 of which came in the first half) and 10 rebounds. Pau Gasol also had a double-double with 17 points and 10 boards. Derek Fisher scored 13 points. And Sasha Vujacic shot 1-for-9 and had himself a little temper tantrum on the bench...

Phil Jackson isn't worried. Or claims not to be. Said the Zen Master: "Some turnaround in that game. The air went out of the building. Well, it's not over. This is not over. The series it not over." If you say so. Game 5 is on Sunday in L.A.

Kobe has a lot of blame to put on himself; he was 6-of-20 from the field and generally looked grouchy that the game didn't end after the first quarter. The real star was Ray Allen, who played every minute and scored two huge fourth-quarter baskets, including a blow-by of Sasha Vujacic, who is currently a smoldering pile of ash on the Staples Center floor.

The Celtics are now one game away from an NBA championship, with three chances, two at home. Another reason to be happy about the Super Bowl last February? We were one David Tyree drop from having the city of Boston holding all three major pro sports titles. It's beginning to look that way, folks.

Kevin Garnett. KG's averaging 18 points and 13 rebounds in the Finals, and he's playing his usual lockdown D (I'm not sure you could find Lamar Odom or Pau Gasol on a milk carton at this point). But at least one odd-looking Boston journalist says that's not enough. According to Dan Shaughnessy: "We want Garnett to dominate with the basketball. No one can dispute his defensive intensity and impact, but we want him to have a Wilt Chamberlain game, or a Larry Bird game, or a Michael Jordan game. On offense. We want him to take his defensive energy to the other end of the court, especially at the end of close games. Stop floating around the perimeter like an anxious high school sophomore trying to get the nerve to cross the cafeteria floor and ask a cheerleader for a date. Apparently, this just isn't him." Yup. They sure do love KG in Boston...

But at least Garnett has acknowledged that it's time to stop jackin' up 18-footers. "I've got Pau on me. It's not like he's easy when it comes to being a defender. But for the most part, I watched this game. It's not one of my better offensive games, and I'll make adjustments accordingly. But you're right, I probably do need to take the ball to the basket a little more." Uh, ya think?

Kobe Bryant. He roasted his bleeping teammates so bleeping bad during Game 2 that Sasha Vujacic is going to have to color in his eyebrows with a number two pencil for the next six weeks. The scene in the Lakers huddle was ugly enough to catch the attention of Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Shilling, who was sitting behind the L.A. bench, and Shilling reported on his blog what we all sort of already knew: Kobe's kind of a dick. But the Lakers are clearly okay with that, as long as he remains an unstoppable scoring machine.

Kobe did respond to Shilling's shelling, though. When asked about it, Mamba simply said: "Go Yankees!"

Bonus fun! You've gotta love the way the L.A. media — the same dudes who were dive-bombing Kobe last summer — tried to form a protective wall around their new favorite son. T.J. Simers, for instance, said "There's no bigger sissy than a hit-and-run blogger." He would know.

Eddie House. Bill Simmons has been screaming for House. Now Steve Bulpett's doing it too. And frankly, now is the time for Doc Rivers to unleash the Green Gunner. I mean, Rajon Rondo sprained his ankle in Game 3 and can't shoot past five feet anyway, and Sam Cassell handles the rock like his family is being held hostage by the Jigsaw killer and they'll die unless he shoots every time he touches it.

And House is prepared to help out...even though he's only played about six minutes per game in the playoffs. "You know, I played all season. I was in the rotation all year. Just in the playoffs I fell off the face of the earth, but I'm not going to use that as an excuse to not be ready. I think it would be a disservice to my team and also to myself if I wasn't ready. So, you know, just stay ready, stay prepared and if you get called, you're ready. If you don't (get called), you're staying ready." Yeah, I think Eddie's ready.

Pau Gasol. The L.A. police are searching the greater Los Angeles area for Pau Gasol's game, but they needn't worry. He may be averaging only 13.7 PPG in the Finals, but that's not a slump. That's an adjustment. "I just try to adjust to what the team needs. Most of the time we need somebody that rebounds, plays defense now and hustles and bangs up. Even though my body is not fit for that most of the time, I still try to have a lot of hard work and I'm a competitor. I'm going to go out there and do what it takes." I have to agree: His body is most certainly not fit for banging.

Paul Pierce. Speaking of guys whose game is rotting in a dumpster somewhere, what happened to the Truth? In Game 3, he scored 6 points on 2-for-14 shooting. Yeah, I threw up in my mouth about that too. But it's not the knee or anything. It was just a little stage fright. See, he's from L.A. originally. "I was probably a little more anxious than normal being that I'm at home in front of more family and more friends. I've got to block that out and go out there and leave it on the court. I've done it in the past, I've been out there and played and played well, and it's time for me to do it again." Oh, shoot, don't worry about it, Paul. This isn't the NBA Finals or anything. Oh, wait...

Lamar Odom. He's averaging 9.3 PPG in the Finals. He's been in foul trouble every game. And his head is kind of freaky looking. But he's not going to get down on himself. Dude's staying positive. "You have to persevere. Right now, it's about the L.A. Lakers, not Lamar Odom. If I could just stay on the court to help the team do whatever, whether it's rebounding or making plays. You can't expect for every game to be a 20-point game in the Finals. I'll go watch the tape over and over again and just see what I can do." Hey, Lamar. When you're watching that tape, don't worry about your head. We love you anyway, even if you do kind of look like the Elephant Man.

Team leaderization: Hey, screw you, Curt Shilling. Kobe's all behind Gasol and Odom, even if they are struggling. "They'll be fine. We're playing a great team. It's not like it's going to be easy for them. It's a matter of them figuring out where those spots are going to be attacking them. They're both very smart, intelligent basketball players and they'll be fine." Rumor has it, five minutes after he said that, Mamba's head exploded.

Zzzzzzzzz. Some people think Kobe's tired. I'm not buying it. Part of his deal with the Devil is that he doesn't need to sleep, as long as he clubs one baby seal per night.

Luke Walton. The Son of Walton got a phone call the other day. And this is what he heard: "This is Paul Pierce. You're a bum, and all your teammates are bums." But — and I know this is going to shock you — it wasn't really Paul Pierce. It was just Papa Bill, apparently trying to motivate his son. It was kind of a lame attempt, though. Said Luke: "He wouldn't even change his voice." Huh. Then that was probably the worst Paul Pierce impersonation in the history of Western Civilization.

What the Celtics need to do: Play their typical hard-nosed and slightly dirty defense, pound the boards, force KG to score inside, and keep a few hands in the face of the Lakers' perimeter shooters. Oh, and keeping Eddie House in the game so they can spread the floor might help. Use a séance to summon the spirit of Red Auerbach, then replace Doc's soul with Red's.

What the Lakers need to do: Run, run, run. Isolate Kobe to trick Boston into stupid double-teams so their shooters can get wide open. Wake up Lamar Odom. Get Pau Gasol a kevlar vest. Cut Sasha Vujacic's damn hair.

My prediction: The Lakers win by a chicken.

He's willing to give you his wife.

trade 1 night with my wife shes 5-4 105 brown hair eyes great body tanned toned very pretty girl 1 night all safe and normal stuff dinner movie drinks no drugs or crazy requests serious replies only must reply with a picture to be considered please normal guys only

You know, you have to appreciate the kindness this man is showing to his tanned tone very pretty girl wife. Not only does he insist that the guys be normal and serious, he insists that they take her out to dinner, a movie and drinks first. That's all class.

Meet Boston’s Worst Husband And/Or Most Subservient Wife [Lion In Oil]

Well, that wasn't pretty. Quick, somebody call Habitat for Humanity. Game 3 of the NBA Finals generated enough bricks to build a house for every homeless person on this planet ... and any other. (Sorry. Couldn't help it after all the times the camera panned to Bill Walton last night.) As Phil Jackson put it, "It was not a beautiful ballgame." L.A. shot a chilling 43 percent from the field, which actually seemed positively blistering compared to Boston's 35 percent rate of "accuracy." But the Lakers had two things that the Celtics did not: Kobe Bryant and Sasha Vujacic. (Okay, three things if you count the incredibly lame halftime show.)

Mamba scored 36 and grabbed 7 rebounds, and the Machine fabricated 20 points on 7-for-10 shooting, which included a trio of three-pointers that couldn't have been any bigger if you duct-taped Gheorghe Muresan to them. Now, you'd think that Boston's Ménage à Trois could have overcome L.A.'s Titanic Twosome — or should I say Wonderful One-and-a-half? — but that would have required all three of those guys to actually show up. Ray Allen scored 25 (8-for-13, 5-for-7 from distance), but Kevin Garnett spent most of the game jackin' it up from a little too far outside (hence the 6-for-21 shooting) and Paul Pierce was...well, let's just hope his knee was really hurting him. At least that would explain the 6 points on 2-for-14 from the field.

Still, despite all that — and despite the fact that Rajon Rondo sprained his ankle and had to limp back to the locker room for a while — the Celtics kept it close and actually had a five-point lead in the fourth quarter. But anybody who didn't think the Lakers would come storming back probably doesn't think Sylvester Stallone's face has been pumped full of Botox, either. L.A. had cut the lead to two when Boston somehow inexplicably left Kobe alone at the top of the arc long enough for him to measure a three, mentally go over the grocery list, and solve the Riddle of the Sphinx before ripping a three-pointer that gave the Lakers the lead back. And that was the gamebreaker. Seriously, I think the Celtics lost four points after Kobe hit that shot. It sure felt like it, anyway.

But despite Kobe's 36 points, the huge three, and his 18 free throw attempts, Doc Rivers knew what really beat his team. "Kobe was fantastic but I thought Sasha Vujacic was the key to the game. I said before we are going to have to win a game when Kobe Bryant plays well. We know that. But when that happens, we have to shut off the other avenues."

That didn't happen in Game 3. We'll see if it happens in Game 4. Which is Thursday in Los Angeles, by the way.

History. It doesn't exactly favor the Lakers, who got dumped into an 0-2 hole on Sunday. Only three teams — Boston against Los Angeles in 1969, Portland against Philadelphia in 1977, and Miami against Dallas in 2006 — have come back to win the title.

Officiating. Let's get this out of the way. Some people think the Lakers got screwed by the officials in Game 2. The Celtics enjoyed a 38-10 advantage in free throws, which boggled the absolute living hell out of Phil Jackson's mind. "I'm more struck by the fact that Leon Powe gets more foul shots than our whole team does in (Powe's) 14 minutes of play. That's ridiculous. You can't play from a deficit like that; that we had in that half, 19-2 in the first half. I've never seen a game like that in all these years I've coached in the Finals. Unbelievable. I think my players got fouled, I have no question about the fact my players got fouled and didn't get to the line. Specifically I can enumerate a few things, but I'm not going to get into that. It's the illusion that's created. The referees referee an illusion. Our guys look like maybe the ball was partially stripped when they were getting raked...but it was in the crowd, so the referees let that type of thing go." Ever notice that Jackson is a master at getting into things without ever really getting into them. With Jeannie Buss being the one notable exception.

Anyway, the referees have already been assigned for tonight's game: Joey Crawford (whose reputation precedes him), Marc Wunderlich (who didn't call Derek Fisher jumping on Brent Barry) and the great Bennet Salvatore (who had been accused of favoring home teams and superstars). I guess Sasha Douchychick knew what he was talking about when he said: "It will be a different story in L.A."

Kobe Bryant. In the first two games of this series, Mamba was pretty bleeping average. For him, anyway. One journalist thinks that he needs to be like Mike for the Lakers to win. Which begs the question: Since when does somebody who once scored 81 points in a game need to be like anybody else?

Vinny Del Negro. Sorry for the interruption, but...Vinny is the new Bulls coach? WTF?! I can't wait to meet his assistants, Lenny and Squiggy.

The 2-3-2 format. Ah, it's that time of year again: The time when we talk about the ridiculosity of David Stern's made-for-TV NBA Finals format. (As I discovered, this format was implemented in 1985 because it increased the chances that the championship series would last at least six games, and CBS, who aired the Finals at that time, needed the series to last at least that long to turn a profit.) Three straight home games is a big advantage for the Lakers, in particular because it takes the all-important Game 5 away from the Celtics. And Doc Rivers is not a fan. "From afar, what I've never liked about the 2-3-2 is you fight all year to have Game 7 at home and Game 5 at home. Game 5 is taken away from you. We're had three huge Game 5s in the first three rounds. All of them have been at home."

Phil Jackson, of course, thinks it's no big thing. "The duration of three games on one court, those have always been tough to maintain. I've had teams that have been on the road and won three games in a row, but I can't ever remember winning three the other way around as a home coach in the finals."

Meanwhile, David Stern went so far as to take Red Auerbach's name in vain to defend his decision to move to the 2-3-2 format during his second year as the league commish. "Although he's not here to deny it, Red said to me be back in '84, that this is too much play, travel, play, travel, play, travel. In subsequent years, he said it was terrible that we went to the 2-3-2, but a young commissioner was motivated by the father of us all." Now, if there was any justice in life, Red would strike him down from his cloud in Hoops Heaven.

Leon Powe. The dude went off for 21 points in only 15 minutes in Game 2. And, as Jackson noted, he had more free throws than all the Lakers combined. And I find it interesting that he was far more aggressive taking it to the hoop than KG was. Huh. I wonder if Jackson will institute some Power Rules for Game 3? Speaking of which...

The Lakers' transition defense. In Game 2, it weren't too good. They might want to, you know, get in front of somebody in Game 3, unless they want Phil to have a coronary.

Paul Pierce. Hm. Truth scored 28 points (9-for-16) and dished out 8 assists in Game 2. Uh, uhm, er…maybe he was faking.

Vladimir Radmanovic. For all the whining about the calls that didn't go their way, I noticed that none of the Lakers mentioned any of the calls — or no-calls — that did ... like this crazy non-traveling violation that drew the Lakers to within four points with about a minute to go.

I give you this from the bottom of my spleen: The last time there was a free throw disparity as large as Sunday's in an NBA Finals was Game 6 of the 1967 series between your Warriors and the Philadelphia 76ers. Philly, 64 free throws (41 made) to 29 for the Rick Barrys (22 made). Sixers win by three on the road.

So what does all this mean? Well firstly, the Warriors haven't given a crap about defense in their entire existence. As for the current Lakers, I actually did not see Game 2. But it always strikes me as odd that basketball players at every level seem to think that they're entitled by God to the same amount of fouls as their opponent.

Having coached at the high school level, I saw this all the time. I remember a particular sequence where one of my players drove baseline (no, it wasn't Tom Brady), went up for a reverse layin, and the guy "guarding" him was called for a foul. Their coach starts screaming, "It was all ball!" You're really not supposed to talk to the other coach during a game, but between free throws I said loudly enough for him to hear: "If you'd teach your players to cut off the baseline, dumbshit, it wouldn't be an issue."

Lakers Complain Refs Are Tying Their Hands By Calling So Many Fouls On Them [The Press-Enterprise]

Most frighteningly, as The Serious Tip points out, their collective voices sounds like ... well, an old friend.

This charity T-shirt sells for $20, with proceeds going to Cathy's Kids, the official charity of Lakers forward Lamar Odom. Of course, it probably isn't the best bulletin board material to boldly claim that the other team sucks. Particularly when you're down 0-2.

Odom and Undefeated chose to go with a negative message - Boston Sucks - but why couldn't they instead gone with something positive? Too many ideas come to mind on what would have been a better choice. A choice that could be worn well beyond the end of this year's NBA Finals. A choice that would have brought positive thoughts to mind.

We think negative messages are fine; that's how you sell T-shirts. (And Web sites!) It just doesn't help when you crap out in the first two games. Oh, and you're Lamar Odom.

Odom's Charity Shirt Misses The Mark [Lion In Oil]

That's actually a substantial fight, one worthy of praise; had there been a game going on, they'd have broken it up so much sooner. We hope this was a run-of-the-mill dispute, the kind that happens when you file thousands of people into a confined space to watch the home team stink it up for three-plus quarters. If someone was wearing a Celtics jersey, at the Staples Center for a non-game, they probably had it coming.

LA Delivers A Huge Beat Down, But Not On The Court [FanIQ]

Anyway, we thought the Daily Dime summed up what went wrong for the Lakers last night in a quote from Kobe Bryant.

When Kobe Bryant took his turn on the podium, he admitted the Lakers have "got to do a better job focusing on personnel."

Indeed! The Lakers re-garnered a considerable bit of self-respect with their late comeback last night, but, still, either this series is coming back to Boston no matter what happens, whether via game or parade. The foul disparity has been massive, but that might have more to do with the fact that the Celtics are so much bigger than the Lakers than anything else.

We thought the Celtics were going to go down in five. Obviously not. But the Lakers are already in serious danger. Fortunately, Kobe is cussing. That should Andrew Bynum right quick.

Well, that was bleeping ridiculous. With 7:55 left to go in Game 2, the Celtics were up 95-71. And they obviously figured — as did most people watching the game, I'm guessing — that a 24-point fourth-quarter lead was pretty safe. The Boston bench was all grins and giggles. Paul Pierce broke out in a huge smile after getting called for traveling. It was good times, good times ... for everybody except the Lakers. So, naturally, the Mamba slithered into the team huddle and bared his fangs.

After the game, this is how Kobe described the Matt Foley-esque motivational speech he gave his teammates. "Get our bleep in gear. Play bleep harder, a bunch of other bleeps. It's beep, beep, beep, beep. 'Eddie Murphy Raw' times 10."

And the Lakers bleeping responded. From that point on, L.A. went on a 31-9 run — thanks to an NBA finals record-tying seven three-pointers — to make it 104-102 with 38.4 ticks left on the clock. And the Celtics must have been been ready to bleeping pee themselves. But Paul Pierce drew a foul, connected on two free throws, and smacked Sasha Vujacic's hand blocked Sasha Vujacic's three-point attempt to put a bleeping stop to L.A.'s near-miracle comeback. James Posey then sealed the deal by hitting a pair of foul shots with 12.6 seconds left.

Said Boston coach Doc Rivers: "We've got to play for 48 minutes, and I didn't think we did that. I thought we got cute when we got the lead." Well, no bleeping bleep, Doc. Thanks for that expert analysis. Hey, I've got a question: Who's job is it to keep the Celtics from getting all cutesy-pie when they're up by a jillion? Oh. Right. It's yours. I sort of forgot. And so did you, apparently.

Pierce, gimpy knee and all, powered the Celtics with 28 points (9-for-16), 4 rebounds and 8 assists. Kevin Garnett had 17 points and 14 rebounds. Ray Allen added 17 points. Rajon Rondo had a personal playoff-best 16 assists. Leon Ka-Powe surprised the Lakers and the world by going off for 21 points in only 15 minutes. Boston shot a blistering 53 percent and had 31 assists on 36 baskets. Oh, and they had a wee little advantage at the line. Like, a 38-10 advantage.

To put that into perspective, Powe out-free throwed the Lakers by himself (13-10). And that fact wasn't lost on Phil Jackson, who was bleeping pissed about it. "I've never seen a game like that in all these years I've coached in the finals. Unbelievable." (Note: It may not have happened in the finals, but he's seen a game like this. Oh yes, he most certainly has...)

Kobe led the Lakers in points (30), shots (23), misses (12), assists (8) and bleeps (47). L.A. also got double-doubles out of Pau Gasol (17 points, 10 rebounds) and Vladimir Radmanovic (13 points, 10 rebounds). Lamar Odom chipped in with 10 points and 8 boards. And Vujacic and Jordan Farmar came off the bench to hit 5-for-7 from three-point range.

And how to the Celtics feel about building a 2-0 series lead despite almost choking away a 24-point lead? Said Pierce: "We're happy because we won, but we definitely learned a lesson." I bleeping hope so.

Game 3 is Tuesday night in L.A.

And how will the Lakers respond if they are indeed down 2-0 leaving Boston.? To some, they seem to be taking their Game 1 loss a little too much in stride. Is it all a matter of knowing their star player is bound to take off in some point of the series?

Even though he led their charge in the second half, Mr. The Truth has been getting a ton of flak, and deservedly so, for his being carried and wheelchaired off with a knee injury, for which he has not received an MRI, only to dash back to the court a few minutes later. The Dumb Jock sees the ridiculousness in it, but fails to see how anyone pulling for someone as complaint happy as Kobe can make any noise.

Either way, assuming they play more than once every ten days, the series has some early indications of living up to a modicum of its hype.

• Soccer: Argentina vs. U.S. National Team. No better way to give the Argentines a pleasant impression of America than by making them play at the Meadowlands. [ESPN Classic] 7:30 p.m.
  
• Bull Riding: The Git-R-Done Invitational. I think Borat is supposed to show up. [Versus] 8 p.m.
  
• MLB: Chicago Cubs at Los Angeles Dodgers. The Cubs hope to avoid their first three-game skid of the season. I hope to avoid this game. [ESPN] 8 p.m.
  
• Movie: Pulp Fiction. Actually, I think they do speak English in What. [VH1] 8 p.m.
  
• NBA Finals Game Two: Los Angeles Lakers at Boston Celtics. Paul Pierce actually is hoping for a Murderball game to break out. [ABC] 9 p.m.
  
• Movie: Deep Impact. A black president? That's cra-zay! [TNT] 9 p.m.
  
• TV: Venture Brothers. Nuevo! [Cartoon Network] 11:30 p.m.

Los Angeles 1, Boston 0.

No, that’s not a typo.

From my vantage point, the Lakers won Game 1 of the NBA Finals. I’m not making such a claim in protest — I’m not questioning a particular foul call or coaching move. I’m making that claim because I stopped watching near the end of the second quarter. The Lakers were ahead 45 to 42 and I was sitting in the kitchen, watching the game on my computer. And I was tired. In my defense, it was 4:13 in the morning.

I wasn’t using TiVo or a DVR or the old 2-head RCA my parents held onto until its work to tape-digestion ratio was 1:3. The explanation is simpler: I’m in Spain. That I was able to watch the game at all is a minor miracle. That I made the effort to suffer through extreme fatigue to view a basketball game can only be explained by two things. The first is the same reason shared by anyone else born prior to 1980 — for historical reasons, it’s a compelling series.

The second reason is a little more interesting. I haven’t seen a single NBA game this year. I don’t watch much basketball anyway, but my location for the season — playing for a team on the island of Menorca, where TNT isn’t exactly a fixture on the local channel menu — didn’t help.

My lack of exposure to the NBA was disappointing because of the Boston Celtics.

Like 70 percent of the white males my age, I grew up idolizing Larry Bird. Like those same guys, I hated the Lakers. Like them, too, I learned about basketball by watching the Celtics.

But that’s not why I wanted to watch the Celtics this year. I’ve played in the NBA. Not to be condescending — I, of anyone, have no room to judge — but once I saw what went on outside the big top, the circus lost its luster.

However, there have been some singular personalities along the way. One of them is Kevin Garnett. After spending a training camp with Garnett in Minnesota, I was oddly fascinated with how he would adapt to a new team.

Because I know how to read, and because the phone company in Menorca was able to hook up an internet connection in eight short weeks, I was able to keep up with the Celtics’ progress. It seemed like they were doing okay without my constant observation.

At the same time, another man around whom I spent some time in training camp, one Kobe Bryant, was making a run toward the postseason, and toward the MVP award.

As the Finals drew near, I was actually a little excited by the prospect of watching basketball. The Lakers against the Celtics. Again, obviously, a big deal. But more important, from my perspective anyway, it was a matchup of two of the most impressive basketball personalities with whom I’ve spent any time. They were impressive for completely different reasons, but I’ll get to that.

First, I have to explain how I came to be able to watch the game at all.

When my season ended in Menorca, I “moved” to Barcelona. I’m in the city for reasons that are part of a moderately romantic story that would pique the interest of anyone with a pulse. But that story isn’t why we’re here.

Basketball is big in Spain, but it has not yet climbed any higher than number 16 in the ranking of the country’s most popular sport. Number one being by Champions League Soccer, number 15 being rec soccer played by sufferers of spina bifida.

While basketball continues to play the proverbial second fiddle, its popularity has grown thanks to a very tall Spaniard who plays almost no on-the-ball defense and who wears the raggediest beard this side of Artis Gilmore.

Pau Gasol is from Barcelona. As such, and because these are the NBA Finals , I assumed that it wouldn’t be difficult to find a place to watch the game. Big city, Spanish participant — surely the late start wouldn’t be a problem.

By 2:24 a.m., I had finally succeeded. I was settled in a stool in a Mexican bar on my street, watching Robin Roberts dissect the evolution of the sky hook. I didn’t know why she was dissecting the evolution of the sky hook. Maybe, I thought, they were about to show the 1987 NBA Finals.

Getting to Robin Roberts took some doing.

I started on the Rambla — the street every tourist in Barcelona knows. I hoped that an Irish pub I’d seen might be of some help.

It was not. I did receiver my first clue though: a map marked with the locations of other similarly themed places of business. I quickly learned though, that the Irish and the English have even less interest in basketball…

“The N – B – what?”

Next plan: canvass the neighborhood. I had another lead, given to me by one of my few friends in the city. But the place was closed for construction. Upon exiting the former Linea 6.25, I asked a waiter at a nearby restaurant if he had any ideas. He did: a bar called Bagoa, which he claimed was always open til 5 and which supposedly showed NBA games—a fact to which he could attest, having stopped by many times after work. For some reason, his lazy eye actually made him seem more trustworthy, at least on this particular subject.

After some sleuthery, I found Bagoa. The bartender seemed shocked that I would imply that they would stay open past 2 am. Tip-off—3 a.m. I was beginning to lose faith. And my dwindling hopes were thanks to encounters with the one problem I didn’t think I’d have. In Spain, supper doesn’t even start til midnight.

I went next door, where the bartender said, “Did you try Bagoa? They’re always open until at least 4 or 5.” Obviously, there was a breakdown in communication between proprietor and the general public at the venerable Bagoa.

Next up: another English pub. According to the blond youth behind the counter, they MIGHT be open until 3.

I put some other Barcelona contacts on the case…nothing.

I asked around in the district known as the Born. Everyone looked at me like I was an insane person.

And then, inspiration: Why not the Mexican bar that is all of 4 paces from my front door? It wasn’t exactly what I had envisioned, which was a rowdy pub filled with Spanish dudes, some of whom were clapping me on the back whenever Gasol made a fallaway. In fact, when Robin Roberts was on the screen, I wasn’t even sure I’d make it to tip-off; it looked for all the world like they were about to throw me out. But at least I can say that I watched James Taylor do the national anthem in El Ultimo Agave.

Of course, I’m not sure if what they were showing was ’08 James Taylor or ’87 James Taylor. I doubt the crowd recognized much of a difference.

When El Ultimo Agave kicked out its ultimo customer (me), I reported upstairs to my computer. I had done some work earlier in the evening and had learned a little about how to watch live sports over the internet using means of questionable legality. For me, the answer was a program or protocol or plugin called SopCast. I had doubts as to whether it would work consistently but, lo and behold, there was Mark Jackson making grand statements with a complete lack of any sense of restraint or irony.

It didn’t take me long to remember why I had wanted to watch the game in the first place.

I should add a disclaimer here. I wrote a book about a few years of my basketball career. In that book, I did my best not to be too judgmental. But I failed on several occasions. Certain people were just that difficult to be around. One of those people is Kobe Bryant.

My first NBA training camp was with the Los Angeles Lakers. I quickly realized that Kobe Bryant was selfish, arrogant, and completely insufferable. I also quickly realized that he is extraordinarily talented. Like, really, really good. But then, something else: People allowed all of the former because of the latter. In fact, many people assumed that part of the reason for the latter was the former: that Kobe Bryant is so good BECAUSE he’s selfish, arrogant, and completely insufferable. For a while, even though I couldn’t stand him as a human being, I bought their reasoning. They must be right, I thought—these people probably know more about basketball than I do.

But then I made a few more stops on the career Tilt-a-Whirl. I spent time with Steve Nash, Shareef Abdur-Rahim, and, most applicable to this discussion, with Kevin Garnett.

Kevin Garnett is also extraordinarily talented. Like, really, really good. And at first, I was afraid that he too suffered from the same syndrome as Bryant. His first words to me weren’t even spoken to me—they were spoken around me, as I ventured onto the court for my first pre-preseason pickup game.

“I don’t know who that white boy is. He doesn’t get to play yet.”

It was not love at first sight.

But over the three weeks I spent around the man in training camp, I developed a relatively deep respect for him. I qualify that respect only because I realize that three weeks doesn’t seem all that long. An experience like an NBA training camp is something of a pressure cooker, though, and teammates learn about one another’s character very quickly.

Kevin Garnett shares some of Bryant’s personality traits. He’s arrogant…but he realizes it. He can be insufferable…but he laughs about it. He’s intense…but he can turn it off.

The contrast between the two was evident even in the first quarter of the first game of this year’s Finals. Bryant took bad shot after bad shot, with no one questioning his decisions. For whatever reason, people—including the self-professed guru of coaching team-oriented basketball—assume that closely guarded fadeaways with a 25% likelihood of success are better since they’re taken by the team’s superstar.

Meanwhile, Garnett was playing fairly well. But that’s not the important part. It was evident, just from watching his face that Garnett was, of all things, nervous.

And I guess that’s why I liked him so much when I spent three weeks in the Timberwolves’ training camp. Kevin Garnett is almost like the rest of us. He’s gets nervous like the rest of us…laughs at himself like the rest of us…sees how ridiculous his job is, just like the rest of us. Kobe Bryant thinks that it’s perfectly normal that he is widely considered to be the best player in basketball.

Kevin Garnett is like the sane person who thinks he might be going crazy. Kobe Bryant is the crazy person who thinks that everyone else is insane.

Of course, for all my love of Kevin Garnett, and for all the distaste I happen to have for Kobe Bryant and the style of basketball he represents to me, Bryant’s Lakers were winning when I gave up on the game.

And so, grudgingly, I have to admit that—just like in 1987—sometimes the bad guys win.

In short games that end because the viewer gets bored and sleepy.

We actually thought Simmons' preview was excellent yesterday because it reminded us of just how crazy it is that Phil Jackson's anti-Kobe book was so recently written. (And brutally so; that line about Jackson not being surprised by the rape charges because of Kobe's "surprising anger" still knocks us over.) Kobe had been so amazing in the playoffs so far that we had forgotten that he used to be that Kobe, frustrated, selfish, confused. He wasn't quite that guy last night — it's so fun to watch him keep looking for the pooping Pau Gasol over and over — but the shots weren't falling, and next thing you knew he was forcing it, and next thing you knew Paul Pierce was MIRACULOUSLY RECOVERED, and next thing you knew the Celtics were up 1-0 and Sunday is looking extremely hairy for the Lakers.

But these teams are clearly more evenly matched than we thought. But, having watched the whole game in a room full of Celtics fans, we'll say this: We don't know if we've seen a collective fanbase of a winning team dislike a guy more than Celtics fans dislike Sam Cassell right now. Every shot he puts up is one too many for those guys.

So yeah: In one game, we've had about 75 more thrills than last year's NBA Finals gave us. We'll take it.

Sorry, Mr. former Vice President. With all due respect to Al Gore and his Antarctic ice core samples, I think Game 1 of this year's NBA Finals disproved his theory about the dangers of greenhouse gases and their effect on the world's climate. The real source of the global warming menace? Paul Pierce. That is the motherfucking Truth. And that Truth got shoved down the Lakers' throats last night — despite a few freaky-scary moments in the third quarter — and the Celtics took a 1-0 series lead thanks to a very Truthful 98-88 win.

Pierce scored 22 points on 7-for-10 shooting, but his biggest contribution to the Boston cause was his Willis Reed-like return from a sprained knee in the third quarter. The injury took place with 6:49 left in the period when teammate Kendrick Perkins bumped into him from behind. Pierce dropped like he'd just been hit by a photon torpedo or something, and he spent several minutes writhing in agony on the Garden floor.

Said Pierce: "I thought I tore something; that's the way I felt at the time. Usually when I go down, I'm getting right back up, but it was an instance where I turned my knee and it popped, and I was just in pain where I couldn't move."

Let me tell you, watching Brian Scalabrine and Tony Allen literally carry Pierce off the court made me think three things: First, "Oh my God, this series is over." Second, "That's really the best way to take an injured player back to the locker room? Seriously?!" And third, "That may be the only time we get to see Brian Scalabrine during the Finals."

But hey, it turned out the Celtics and their fans didn't have anything to worry about. Pierce came bobbing and weaving out of the locker room just a few minutes later, and it was without question the most chilling moment in the Garden since Larry Bird came back from smashing his face on the parquet floor back in 1991. The crowd surged to its feet, Kevin Garnett clenched his fist and let out a "Yes!" and Pierce — who officially checked back in at the 5:04 mark — immediately hit two three-pointers from the exact same spot to give the Celtics a 75-71 lead.

The stuff of legends, right? Or maybe it was the work of the divine. That's sort of what Pierce thought. "I think God send an angel down and said, 'Hey you're going to be all right. You need to get back out there.'" Huh. Maybe our Lord had money on the game or something.

But believe it or not, it wasn't all Paul Pierce. KG scored 24 points (despite going 3-for-13 in the second half) to go along with 13 rebounds, Ray Allen had 19 points, 8 rebounds, and 5 assists, and Rajon Rondo added 15 points and 7 dimes. Moreover, the Celtics controlled the boards (46-33) and held the Lakers to 41 percent shooting (33-for-77).

It sure helped that Kobe played very, uh, non-MVP-like. He scored 24 points and dished out 6 assists, but he also committed 4 turnovers and shot an Iverson-esque 9-for-26 (although Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy freaked the hell out about every single one of those nine makes). Pau Gasol (15 points, 8 rebounds, 4 assists), Derek Fisher (15 points, 6 assists) and Lamar Odom (14 points, 6 rebounds) helped keep the Lakers close, but L.A. still lives and dies by what the Mamba does or doesn't do.

Make no mistake, though: Kobe's poor Game 1 performance will only serve to motivate him. "I had some good looks, they just didn't go down for me. I just missed some bunnies. I'll be thinking about those a little bit."

Mull it over, Mamba. You have until Sunday.

As Paul Pierce lay underneath the basket, writhing in pain, a trainer ominously hovering, it appeared a Boston victory in this game, this series, was highly unlikely. Pierce gets carried off the court, still grimacing and immobile, in a manner that would suggest he'd either been stung by a Man O'War or knee-capped by a cameraman.

Then, Michele Tafoya in full-on political assassination-reporting mode, passes along the news that "Pierce has put his own weight on both of his legs..." Still, it seemed ominous. Only a few minutes later, however, Paul Pierce emerged from the locker room with a black stabilizing brace on his right knee, hopping up and down, ready to, for lack of better words, bring it.

Once Pierce returned, sprained knee and all, Boston never looked back.They quickly disposed of the Lakers 98-88 to take the first game in the series. Pierce finished with 22 points on the bad wheel and, if the Celtics win this series, most likely solidified himself in Boston's pantheon of bloody sock-dom.

Lakers-Boston [Boston.com]
Boston draws first blood [LA Times]

Finally...finally! It's been discussed in depth. It's been broken down. Now, at long last, the NBA Finals will begin tonight...after what feels like a three-month wait. Thanks for that, David Stern. I've almost forgotten what watching basketball feels like. And there's been so much rehashing of past Lakers-Celtics Finals - including my own Worst of Celtic-Lakers series - that last night I swear I saw Jerry West in my Fruity Pebbles this morning. (And I'm not even going to tell you who my poop looked like last night.) Enough is enough, already. Let's get this thing started.

Rest versus fatigue. Not an issue. See above.

Um, Doc...what about this year's Finals? You might be wondering how Doc Rivers has been spending his time. Figuring out a way to slow down Kobe? Diagramming some new plays to get Ray Allen open? Telling yet another reporter about the power of Ubuntu? Nope. He's been chillaxing in front of the TV. "I've watched more Lakers-Boston games over the last three days on TV. It's been great. It's been fun to watch." I sincerely hope he wasn't getting coaching pointers from K.C. Jones.

Kevin, Paul, and Ray: In case you missed it, this is the first time The Mid-sized Three will have ever appeared in the NBA Finals. Oh, and if you missed it, you're dead. Yeah, sorry. Anyway, I'm pretty geeked about seeing what these guys are going to do. Especially...

Paul Pierce: Excite-O Man! Dude needs to chill. Now. "I feel like a little kid. Now I understand that, hey, I'm going to be a part of history. This is some