So, we're to Game 2 of this NLDS, and we're still not ready. You can say the Cardinals have a 1-0 lead, but not only is Jeff Weaver pitching today, but if the series goes the full five games, he will also start Game 5 ... on three days rest! So yeah: This probably needs to be taken care of in four.

It's the St. Louis Cardinals at the San Diego Padres. Your starters are Weaver for the Cards and David Wells for the Padres. It's a Yankees fan's dream matchup.

The live blog is after the jump. Feel free to taunt us in the comments and email Rick with your input.

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Pregame:

Karl Ravich: "The Cardinals do some high-fiving as they prepare to meet the Cardinals in Game Two." No stone will be left unturned in this one.

And our first commenter is ... Jen P. "violent spams? I'm sorry I wasn't here to see that ..."

Actually, we did receive a couple of those.

Welcome to The Show, and hello to all of you Tampa Bay Devil Rays fans who are here on the orders of Tommy Lasorda. Only 25 outs to go.

Top of the First:

Boomer, set loose on the gals of San Diego! You're with me, top of the first.

"You do not want to be diving into the bag with Albert Pujols running right at you." Thanks Boomer.

Bottom of the First

Poker? Norman Chad? Am I dreaming?

Oh, the game switched to ESPN. Whew!

Adrian Gonzalez = stud.

OUT! at the plate. ... and ... oh no! J.D. Drew is following him to home!

Top of the Second

I haven't seen quite enough replays of that play at the plate. Hey, what are those ripples on the top of the Padres' batting helmets? Also, we admire parents who name their children Geoff. Jeff just not quite good enough ... and there's a homer ... back, back, back ... foul! So our first "back, back, back!" comes early.

Bottom of the Second

Tommy Lasorda ... preaching to the choir. For these commercial spots to be effective, shouldn't they be running during "Crossing Jordan" on A&E?

David Wells' curve kind of reminds you of a rainbow after a nice storm? Wha ...?

Top of the Third

Seeing an old photo of a skinny David Wells is actually quite frightening.

"We'll be right back with an interview with Padres' manager Bruce Bochy" ... followed by an Lunesta ad. "Do you lie awak at night, unable to sleep?" ...

Top of the Fourth

We're not sure what we think about these live interviews of coaches. Among other things, the double over Preston Roberts' head occurs during the interview. What's next? Interviews of players in the field?

Pujols comes through, as Will knew he would. Oh man, a scoring nightmare on this one. Safe at second? You cannot be serious! Where was everyone?

So Boomer pretty much jinxed the Padres with that Bochy interview, I think we can all agree. "Wells in playoff form" indeed.

Will Leitch Update: Currently hanging from revolving fan, which is set to "medium".

That was one sweet catch by Dave Roberts. Boomer calls them "Redbirds." That seems wrong, somehow.

An inning called by Chris Berman, followed by a Taco Bell ad, kind of synchs rather nicely. "I'm full!"

Even better: An inning called by Chris Berman followed by an ad for "Jackass II." Sorry. That was mean.

Bottom of the Fourth

I'm kind of freezing my hinder off right now, and I don't really apprecaite watching all those "sun-drenched" Padres fans in shirtsleeves calling for the beer vendor. Hey, one of 'em is entering the Padres dugout, and Wells is pulling a five out of his wallet.

Top of the Fifth

Was that a pickoff of Molina, or simply the slowest steal attempt ever? And now we have Wells giving up a single to Weaver, which is always fun. He's now hitting .139. You know this bodes well for the Cardinals. Oops, Eckstein double play.

"We'll talk to Tony LaRussa after we return." Uh oh. Sorry, Will.

After seeing that FLOMAX commercial, I long for those Applebee's guys.

Jerry checks in, with a good point: "I didn't read Tuesday's blog, so I don't know if you noticed that Berman
"literally pulled the string" on his curveball. Today he said the Padres might "appeal to a higher power...literally". What the ... ? It's torture enough watching my teams decade long mental block with the Cardinals, in which a 2-0 deficit feels like 15-0, but to have to listen to Berman butcher the word "literally" and become obsessed with shadows is more than I can bear. Kill me now."

Bottom of the Fifth. Cardinals 2, Padres 0

All right, THE WIND IS GOING OUT TO RIGHT FIELD. We get it.

After that play by Scott Rolen at third, we just kind of get the feeling that the Cardinals are destined for good things here. The Cardinals and Padres have played 69 post-season innings, Boomer tells us, and San Diego has held leads in just four of them.

Now Klesko gets things going with a single. Two on, two out. So long, David Wells.

No, Jeff Weaver has not pulled a switcheroo with his brother. Strikeout ends the inning.

Top of the Sixth. Cardinals 2, Padres 0.

Another hit (single) for Pujols. To right. Pujols 4x7 in series. And now Cards have just grounded into sixth double play of the series. Will sets ceiling fan to "high", revolves nervously.

Bottom of the Sixth. Cardinals 2, Padres 0.

Weaver is out, and we have our first Boomerism. Now pitching, Randy "Linoleum" Flores. That's so 1970s.

Brian Giles grounds out, Barfield strikes out.

Adrian Gonzalez single, prompting LaRussa to go to the bullpen. A righty? Really? Josh Kinney.

Josh Bard did not like that call for a second strike. Jawing at umpire. Um, again with the "shadows"?

Bard K. Padres gone.

Top of the Seventh, Cardinals 2, Padres 0.

Run, you %$^&*#@ brownie! Run!

Juan Encarnacion grounds out to second for first out. Looper up in the bullpen. We hope Meredith sticks around a bit, because we love that sidearm mojo. (submarine)?

Edmonds K. Belliard up. Another K.

Bottom of the Seventh, Cardinals 2, Padres 0..

Josh Kinney to pitch to Mike Cameron, who has one of SD's two hits.

Another closeup of Mike Piazza, just watching. Cameron flies out to left for the first out.

It's Russell Branyan time! Ah, he grounds out to first for the second out. If you're a Padres fan, that sinking feeling must be settling in about now.

Geoff Blum will rock your world, St. Louis. Things we'd like to not hear about for the rest of the game: Shadows. That's about it, really.

Blum walks, bringing us ... Piazza!

Piazza lines out to right. Good night, sweet Padres.

Top of the Eighth. Cardinals 2, Padres 0.

Clay Hensely to the mound. Molina pops out weakly to center. Is it just us, or has this game slipped from exciting to catatonic? Rodriguez flies out to the warning track, brining up Eckstein.

Eckstein fans. But ... apparently not. Evidently he got a piece of the pitch. Padre suffering prolonged. We like the closeup of the guy wearing the old Padre brown jersey. Eckstein grounds out to short.

Bottom of the (yawwwwn) Eighth. Cardinals 2, Padres 0.

What can you say about Albert Pujols? Never enough, according to ESPN. As much as we love seeing him in the playoffs, we get the feeling that he is going to be the next NCAA Chevy Trucks commercial ... ominpresent, to the point of madness. Get used to Pujols closeups after every out. You will be seeing him in your sleep.

Tyler Johnson, Columbia, Missouri native, will now pitch to Dave Roberts. Yow ... struck out looking. 1 out.

Time for the hitting stylings of Brian Giles. Another K, looking. We've never really noticed Johnson this year, but he looks pretty nasty here. That curve is pretty much unhittable. Two out.

Padres have nine hits and one run in series ... make that 10 hits, as Barfield doubles down the line in left. Adam Wainwright is pitching, by the way. We would never take Johnson out of a game, ever. Gonzalez hitting. The Padres' season may be hanging on this.

Gonzalez grounds out to second. This is over.

Will Leitch update:. Will is telling everyone within earshot, "This is not over."

Top of the Ninth. Cardinals 2, Padres 0.

Does anyone know, do Padres' fans have the same reputation for leaving the game early as Dodgers fans? We seem to see very few empty seats. Well, a 2-0 score in the playoffs will do that, we suppose.

Preston Wilson pops out, 1 gone.

Your Chevrolet Player of the Game, Albert Pujols, will now take a few swings.

A shot to left, which goes for a double. Shadows can't stop The Poo.

Rolen popout to first. 2 outs. Juan Encarnacion infield single.

Edmonds walks, bringing up Belliard. Bases loaded, folks.

Ladies and gentelmen, the Scott Linebrink Experience. And on his first offering, Belliard pops out to second. Thanks, and drive safely!

Bottom of the Ninth. Cardinals 2, Padres 0.

Dr. Phil would like Dennis to quit staying out late and get a clue. Stupid remote.

Adam Wainwright pitching to The Bard.

Molina throws out Bard on a "little nubber" in front of the plate. No, he wasn't bunting. Althougfh he probably should have been. Cameron at bat now. He was always our favorite Mariner when we lived in Redmond.

Yow, wild pitch to the screen. Is Charlie Sheen pitching?

Cameron strikes out. 2 outs. We never liked Cameron.

But don't lose hope Padres fans, because once again, it's Russell Branyan time!

And San Diegop is down to its last strike ... a term we never really understood, because what if he gets on base? Don't they get three more?

STRIKE THREE.

We hestitate to call this series, because of that whole Red Sox-Yankees thing in '04 (plus, there's the AL Central race this year). But going to St. Louis down 2-0, we suspect that Wells can finally quit worrying about watching his weight.

We miss the skinny high school David Wells.

We appreciate all readers for putting up with our initial live blogging efforts. Thanks for not killing us too much.

Final Will Leitch Update: There is a trail of discarded clothing leading out the front door, and an elderly woman passed out on the sidewalk. See you for Game 3.

So if you're stuck at work, check us out right here, reloading and rollicking all the way. And if you want to play along, email us at tips@deadspin.com to contribute. We'll be here all day.

Playoff Pants Party: White Sox vs. Red Sox [Deadspin]

BOTTOM OF THE NINTH: We know we're supposed to just be talking about the Red Sox right now, but from a White Sox fan:

"I have the strangest set of emotions right now - 1) immense admiration for the 'Duque' 2) such joy that I actually find myself saying things like 'yippee', 'hooray', and 'booya' (well, maybe not) here at my desk at work. 3) INTENSE fear of David Ortiz. 4) Sheer and utter bafflement at the phrase "Defensive Substitution: Kevin Millar replaces first baseman John Olerud, batting 7th." pops up on my MLB.com. Can you please explain that defensive substitution to me? (since you have the benefit of Berman's wisdom). As a ChiSox fan I am not complaining, but the terms 'defensive substitution' and 'Millar' so not belong together."

Looks like it's Jenks in the ninth. It's on now.

Possible ramifications here, if the Red Sox don't make it here:

1. No Curt Schilling in the postseason.
2. Fox executives rooting their ass off for the Yankees over the Angels.
3. Plummeting sales of Bill Simmons book.

Graffanino leading off. Ground out to Crede. TWO TO GO.

Berman brings up something we didn't think about: Renteria could make the last out of the season ... the same way he did in the World Series last year. Damon's gotta get on. Nope. He strikes out. Last at bat as a Red Sox.

Renteria, with Ortiz on deck. Grounds out to second to end it.

And that's ALL FOR THE RED SOX.

Repeat:

THAT'S ALL FOR THE RED SOX.

Congratulations to the White Sox. Goodbye, Red Sox. Suddenly ... the whole postseason looks very, very different.

(A note: The last manager to win a postseason series for the White Sox was a man named "Pants Rowland." That's fantastic.)

And, if there were any doubt about it before now, El Duque is now a postseason legend forever. Pretty amazing.

See you Monday. Be safe out there.

FINAL: WHITE SOX 5, RED SOX 3

TOP OF THE NINTH: We were just commenting on how dead Fenway sounds right now. That double that catcher everybody hates whose name is difficult to spell and we don't want to look up rigiht now isn't going to help matters. Red Sox HAVE to shut them down here.

Crede bunts that damned catcher to third. In a tense moment like this, we can't help but think ... "Quite Frankly With Stephen A. Smith" is on next! Yeah, we'll totally watch that over "Baseball Tonight." Totally!

Squeeze play! We love the squeeze play! And a much better time for it than in the Cardinals game yesterday. And lookie there: After Timlin failed to pick off the runner on first — who made it on because of a dumb throw home by Timlin — and throw it into right, Fenway fans start booing him. It's the first sound we've heard out of Fenway in three innings.

Iguchi strikes out to end the inning. Three outs away. HERE WE GO.

White Sox 5, Red Sox 3

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH: El Duque still in the game. Yes! If he shuts them down 1-2-3 here, do you keep him in? His arm is rubber anyway.

Hey, Nixon ... button your jersey, you schmuck!

Great play by Konerko to get the first out. And Bill Mueller drives Theo Epstein to bang his head against the wall by hitting a weak-Nixon-chin looper right to the second baseman. Four outs to go.

Olerud hits a single to center, which is a very huge hit, actually; no matter what happens this inning, that brings Ortiz one more batter close to hitting. They need one more runner.

Alejandro Machado is no Dave Roberts, but he's pinch running anyway. 0-2 to Varitek. He swings at a pitch about 40 feet above his head, which is just another example of how magical El Duque is right now.

Would you keep in El Duque for the ninth? We're debating this with a friend right now. We say don't push your luck; that's three free innings. He can't have THAT much pixie dust left, can he? Our friend disagrees. We shall see.

White Sox 4, Red Sox 3

TOP OF THE EIGHTH: We really can't say enough about what El Duque has done in this game. It has blown us away. He has Berman talking about all the free agents the Red Sox have coming up in the offseason. THAT'S how good El Duque was.

Papelbon's pretty good too, though; he sets down the White Sox 1-2-3. Getting very close now.

White Sox 4, Red Sox 3

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH: From a White Sox reader:

"You know, I thought Ozzie was nuts to bring Duque and leave McCarthy off the roster. The only reason I could think was that 'El Duque' is one of the best nicknames ever, and Ozzie liked to say 'Duque' whenever he could. NOW, I could literally kiss 'Duque' right on the mouth, and that's not something I say very often. What an effing stud!"

If El Duque takes out Renteria, Ortiz and Ramirez in order right now, we're going to canonize the dude, and we don't even know what canonizing is.

AMAZING. 1-2-3. This guy should pitch every inning, of every game, for all time.

White Sox 4, Red Sox 3

TOP OF THE SEVENTH INNING: Honestly, we're still a little shaken from what El Duque just did there. If the White Sox win this, he deserves the MVP just for that. (We know they don't give an MVP for the ALDS. Just play along, OK?)

Berman just said that sixth inning took a total of 58 minutes. No matter who you're rooting for, let's see a nice 1-2-3 from both sides, just to cleanse the palate a bit.

Nice. 1-2-3 inning. From a reader, about facial hair, specifically about Mike Piazza:

"Piazza looks like he's about seven years old without his stupid beard-thing. Of course, he looked kind of fruity with it, so it's sort of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation."

Sam Champion, where are you?

White Sox 4, Red Sox 3

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH: Excellent question from a reader: "When 1bmen hold the ball at the end of an inning, why do they generally look down and inspect the ball as they walk off the field? What are they looking for?" We've always wondered this too.

Manny Ramirez just HAMMERED a home run. Interesting game for Freddy Garcia; he gave up two homers to Ramirez, one to Ortiz and shut the rest of the Red Sox down.

Damaso Marte comes in and gives up a single to the weak-chinned one. Honestly, please grow the facial hair back. And we hate facial hair. But we're making an exception. Speaking of bad facial hair, Jason Varitek just walked onto the on-deck circle.

Ozzie Guillen explodes and screams at the home plate umpire. We've been waiting for this to happen all series. And now Olerud walks, and the bases are loaded with nobody out.

El Duque has an tremendously long at-bat and then pops up. Chris Berman says Tony Graffanino, who's up right now, could "make everybody forget about Game 2" with a hit. We dunno: We kinda doubt that.

Full count to Graffanino. If he walks on a close pitch, Guillen will attack him. And he pops up! If El Duque gets out of this ... what a stud.

It's Johnny Damon, though. We would love it if Berman said something like, "This could be his last at-bat as a Red Sox here." But he wouldn't dare. Hard to say we could blame him.

And El Duque strikes him out! Honestly: What a freaking stud.

White Sox 4, Red Sox 3

TOP OF THE SIXTH: After a leadoff walk, Paul Konerko hits a huge bomb, and there goes all that good feeling. A very brave fan waves a huge White Sox flag in the stands; where the hell was he hiding that thing?

Great play by Olerud. Two outs. Wakefield pulled. Chad Bradford gives up a single, and he's pulled. Here comes Mike Myers, who has received paychecks from two teams — the Cardinals signed him and released him in spring training — for 34 innings. Nice work if you can get it.

This is officially the longest half inning in baseball history. Myers walks a guy, and he's pulled for Jon Pimple-bon. (That's a joke, because he's young, you see.)

After an ENDLESS at-bat, Juan Uribe strikes out swinging on ball four. This is getting tense.

White Sox 4, Red Sox 2

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH: From a reader:

"4 days running now. Just after 5:00 here in NY, ESPN loses its feed. To put it simply, what the fuck?"

Damon gets a two-out hit. Ten bucks says he tries to steal here.

3-1 count to Renteria. If he swings at this pitch with Ortiz on deck, they can go ahead and shoot him, it's fine. Nope. He walks. Ortiz up. This ought to be interesting.

Deep to center ... caught. Yipes. That would have been something.

White Sox 2, Red Sox 2

TOP OF THE FIFTH: Wakefield cruising right now. 1-2-3. This is cruising. We just went to get a sandwich, and wham it was over. We won't eat anymore.

White Sox 2, Red Sox 2

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH: David Ortiz just hit a ball to center field that apparently sprouted wings once he swung; it looked like a regular fly ball to center and it just kept scooting along. He has a way of making that happen. Lead is cut in half.

Oh, hey, this is why they have these guys again: Manny Ramirez homers to right, and we be all tied. It's getting a little loud at Fenway, we're noticing.

Down in order after that, but this baby's kicking a little bit now. And by "baby," we mean an actual baby. Who gave that kid spurs?

White Sox 2, Red Sox 2

TOP OF THE FOURTH: Wakefield hammered again, off the wall for a double. Worried yet?

Grounder to Renteria — no errors! — is the second out. We have a feeling this is a very huge at-bat for Crede. He gets under it, Damon flies out and Red Sox escape.

White Sox 2, Red Sox 0

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD: Jeez! For the FOURTH CONSECUTIVE DAY, ESPN has lost its feed in New York City. Same time every day. Come on! They're doing this just to spite us, we're sure of it. We're sorry about the not getting paid on time thing!

TOP OF THE THIRD: Trot Nixon makes a nice play in left field, and we notice that he has shaved. He looks terrible without a goatee or whatever; he has a tremendously weak chin.

Hell of a play by Edgar Renteria; we think he made it just because there was no way he could have possibly been charged with an error.

Juan Uribe drills a ball off the "Monster" — by that, we mean Kathy Bates — for a double. Here's Podsednik; maybe he can get thrown out trying to steal first. And then WHAM. A double, a single by Iguchi, two runs home, and Boston fans are suddenly really, really rooting for rain.

Another single, but a fly to right ends the inning. Time to worry.

White Sox 2, Red Sox 0

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND: Manny Ramirez walks to lead off the inning. Hey, Red Sox fans, we just thought of something: You know how frustrating this series has been, how it seems like nothing is going right at all? How the team you thought you knew has apparently forgotten how to play?

This is how the Cardinals fans felt the entire World Series last year. So enjoy this. Jerks.

Two on, two out. Starting to rain, which will make this live blog nothing but our mom's recipes for pie. Doug Mirabelli grounds out to end the inning. Plus, the field is starting to look like our aunt's makeup.

White Sox 0, Red Sox 0

TOP OF THE SECOND: After a strikeout, Carl Everett comes up. We had almost forgotten about all the Carl Everett in Boston shenanigans until we were reminded of them in Bill Simmons book. Remember how he got in a fight with the manager just days after 9/11? We d forgotten. Got bless em. He gets "hit" by a pitch, Wakefield s second.

Nice little double play there, and we re zipping along.

Red Sox 0, White Sox 0

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST: Johnny Damon leads off with a walk. The fans cheer Tony Graffanino, which is nice and the type of thing you only do if you happened to have won the World Series last year.

David Ortiz hits into a line-drive double play. We re still shouting into space, no one care hear us scream, all that.

Red Sox 0, White Sox 0

TOP OF THE FIRST INNING: OK, we ve been told the entire network of Gawker sites is down right now, so we are writing this for no one. No one is seeing a single word we re writing right now. This doesn t make us feel all that different, thouh; this is pretty much like every other thing we ve written in our lives, actually.

Tim Wakefield hits Scott Podsednik to start off the game. We really don t think getting hit by a knuckleball should actually count as a "Hit By Pitch." Tadahito Iguchi, who you just know is going to somehow end up part of Boston lore (because everything ends up part of Boston lore, really), comes up.

Honestly, Scott Podsednik should just stop trying to steal bases; ever since he got hurt, he just keeps getting thrown out. He s nailed, Iguchi strikes out, so does Jermaine Dye and order is restored.

Red Sox 0, White Sox 0

As you've surely noticed, we're pretty bad at hiding our passion for hardcore Cardinals action, so keep that in mind. But we'll be here all day, so enjoy.

Live Blog: Cardinals vs. Padres, Game 1 [Deadspin]
Playoff Pants Party: Cardinals vs. Padres [Deadspin]

Bookmark this page and reload throughout.

(Live Blog Begins After The Jump)

TOP OF THE NINTH: It's funny, if the Cardinals do hold on here, it feels like they will have a very different 2-0 lead than the White Sox do. Wouldn't the Padres feel a little more done?

That said, we're still not crazy excited about seeing Jason Isringhausen and Dave Roberts right now, leading off the inning. Makes us nervous. Everything makes us nervous right now.

Roberts pops up. One out. Klesko strikes out. That's the yakker we like. One more, and then we get to stay up until 4 a.m. watching Saturday's game. Wee.

Pop up ends the game. Cards go to Petco with 2-0 lead. We go downstairs to take out the trash. Everyone wins!

See you tomorrow morning ... we'll be live blogging White Sox-Red Sox tomorrow afternoon ...

FINAL: Cardinals 6, Padres 2

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH: Most recent Gas Lamp Ball post, right after Sweeney struck out:

Gaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggaaassssdfvv;aksujeascmv a/s.khg;aow9u40a9wvnc a

Sounds like our prom!

Cards go down in order, and it's the last chance for the Padres.

Cardinals 6, Padres 2

TOP OF THE EIGHTH: Who was it that said Julian Tavarez looks like a Miami Vice villian? We think it might have been Oddjack, who told us that Tavarez scared him so much during last year's playoff that he was having nightmares about him.

One-out hit for Hernandez. You know what that means ... double play time!

Or a walk to Brian Giles. We are handling this inning much better than we would have had those two runs not scored last inning. Greene lines right to Nunez for the second out, but then a single up the middle loads the bases for Xavier Nady (the name of our first fish).

Nady takes the first pitch off his hand — Plunk Nady! — and forces home a run. And just like that, the tying run is at the plate again. Randy Flores comes into pitch to Mark Sweeney. Can't everything just go smoothly?

2-1 count. This at-bat has taken two years, and one of those was directly taken off our life.

Flores strikes Sweeney out, and the Thunder Stix go wild! Why do we feel so conflicted?

Cardinals 6, Padres 2

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH: Edmonds leads off with a walk, and Pujols slaps a hit-and-run single into right. We were just about to mention, gently, that Pujols still seems a little gimpy and isn't hitting the ball very hard. And then he goes all Eckstein on us. Gotta love that. Could break this very open right now and make everyone much more relaxed.

From Gas Lamp Ball's open comment thread, about the double play last inning: "Of course he GIDPs. He just came off the bench. The coaches have been explaining how to do it all game."

Walker has a very iffy call on a check swing — though, honestly, we really kind of think it's impossible to tell from any angle on a check swing; it always seems like guessing — and is called out on his way to first. Fortunately, Reggie Sanders smashes a shot down the line to score Edmonds and Pujols, and the Thunder Stix inflate themselves a little bit.

Gruzielanek strikes out, Nunez flies out and normalcy is restored.

Cardinals 6, Padres 1

TOP OF THE SEVENTH: Greene again. Leadoff double. You know, this game is a lot closer than it seems.

Whitey Eckstein being interviewed for the first time this playoffs. He's gonna be on screen more than Oprah, we're telling you. And, in case you didn't notice while hearing Eckstein's dad tell his story for the millionth time — to his credit, he is more concerned with the Cardinals than recounting the whole thing again — a single makes it first and third with nobody out. Tying run on deck. Are we the only one who has noticed this?

Another hit, scoring a run. And then, wouldn't you know it ... another double play. Padres fans have to be pulling out their arm hairs. Mulder hits the next batter, and LaRussa pulls him, to a chorus of Thunder Sticking.

Crazy Man Julian Tavarez gets Ryan Klesko to pop out to shallow left, and the Cardinals escape. There isn't much urgency in this game, we're noticing.

Cardinals 4, Padres 1

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH: First two Cards go down quickly, and we recieve an email about something we'd been thinking only seconds before.

"WTF?!

why are there thunder stix at Busch Stadium?! I went to the
Angels-Yankees game last night (first time at the big A, yankees fan)
and it was hands down the worst baseball going experience of my life
(and I've seen Al Leiter pitch at Shea). Why? Because of Thunder
Stix and the grown idiots banging them together and waving stuffed
monkeys around.

Last night I was talking about how St. Louis fans are regarded as the
smartest and most-baseball savy fans around, and now I see this. This
is not a turn-forward-the-clock night, this is the fucking playoffs:
You and your people have a lot of explaining to do."

Sadly, we couldn't agree more. But don't blame the fans; almost certainly, the Cardinals planning people put them under every seat, trying to create that artificial excitement. If you have two inflatable rods in your chair, there's really not much more you can do with them but slap them together. But yeah. Not a proud Busch Stadium moment.

Mulder walks, and Eckstein somehow resists the temptation to bunt. (Another shot of his dad, by the way. We repeat: Great story that you're going to hear so much over the next week that you're going to hate yourself.) He lines to short to end the inning.

Cardinals 4, Padres 0

TOP OF THE SIXTH: After a groundout, the eponymous Hernandez knocks a hit into left. And then, just like that, another double play.

Giles' helmet comes off, and we swear to God, he has the worst case of helmet hair we have ever seen. Why can't the cable go out now?

Cardinals 4, Padres 0

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH: Pujols gets an infield single on a great play by Greene. Walker grounds into a fielders choice. Duke Castiglione lets us know that Reggie Sanders is growing a beard for the playoffs and that his wife doesn't like it. Sanders' wife, not Castiglione's.

Sanders flies out, and they start showing Larry Walker highlights of the Cardinals in Game One of the World Series last year. We watched every second of that series and were surprised there were, in fact, highlights that didn't make us want to kill everyone in the room. Gruzielanek swings at a pitch over his head to end the inning.

Cardinals 4, Padres 0

TOP OF THE FIFTH: Just got the news alert that there was a threat against the New York City subway system. Typical of our friends, we received this IM:

Friend: Stern fan just got through on Fox news
Deadspin: What happened?
Friend: Said that when officers looked into a called in bomb threat, they went to the scene and found Howard Stern's ball sack.
Friend: Roseanne went, WHAT???
Friend: And he said, They found Howard Stern's ball sack.
Friend: She was pissed.

Another double play for the Cards. We're gonna stay in our apartment, like we pretty much always do.

Cardinals 4, Padres 0

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH: We're gonna use our favorite baseball verb again: Gruzielanek "fists" a single into right field. We're telling you, being an athlete is very tough on your body.

Nothing fisting about that double over the head of Canadian sprinter Ben Johnson by Nunez, and here comes another Cardinals rally. They could really bust this open now; second and third, no out. Father Yadier up.

Grounder to first, and for the second time today, a throw home is too late, and Grudzielanek scores. And now the Padres are in real trouble. We're curious why Mulder is showing bunt here; ah, that's better, he takes two easy strikes right down the middle, forgetting he has a bat at all. One out.

Ha. David Eckstein squeezes home Nunez. We love the squeeze bunt, we really do (we grew up loving Whitey Herzog and all), but we don't quite understand it here. This is the time to break a game open, not sneak one run at a time. The run is nice, but just about everything Eckstein could have done other than a double play would have gotten that run home. Dunno. We're no genius, we guess.

Edmonds hits a hard ground ball to second, and that's the end of the inning. Still feel like there could have been more there.

Cardinals 4, Padres 0

TOP OF THE FOURTH: Greene, who's a pretty active part of this recap so far, leads off with a single to left. Next pitch to Joe Randa is hit right at David Eckstein, who pulls a very easy double play. Hey, look, other people with feed problems!

"I'm losing feed too! time warner just cut out for nearly 5 minutes!!! i am a missourian, and would like to point out that these feed cuts are NOT because we rednecks don't have fancy city equipment. my missouri/iowa/illinois pals do not have any problems with their games on tv ;)"

Easy ground ball to Grudzielanek and that inning was over very fast. Cardinals need to break this open. We need to break open this boil.

Cardinals 2, Padres 0

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD: Nunez leads off the inning with a walk. Genius Tony LaRussa waits just two pitches to try a hit and run with Yadier Molina, who fouls the pitch off. Yadier is our favorite Molina, and actually, our favorite Boone.

He grounds an easy double play ball to Greene ... who boots it! The rally be beginning. If Mulder somehow gets hit in the arm here, we're gonna be really pissed.

Mulder made two pathetic attempts to bunt, so bad that we actually were hoping he'd just strike out so as not to hurt our eyes. And then, lo and behold, he puts down a perfect one. The Cardinals fans give him a huge ovation. God, we love Cardinals fans.

And for the third time in as many days, ESPN has lost its feed in the New York City area. Is this happening to anyone else? We mean, for fuck's sake now.

It has now been down for five minutes. Uh ... MLB.com tells us that Eckstein hit into a fielders choice to score a run, and Edmonds walked. Pujols is up with the bases loaded. Totally not something people would want to watch.

The feed comes back just in time to watch Pujols takes ball four. Now it's Larry Walker with the bases loaded. This could be bad fast. Full count to him. This would be classified as a "big pitch." And he strikes out swinging at ball four. Reggie Sanders comes in, and if he hits a grand slam here, well, that would be wild.

Sanders strikes out, though, so the Cardinals get two runs off three walks, an error and no hits. That was one of the lamest rallies we've ever seen.

Cardinals 2, Padres 0

TOP OF THE THIRD: Mulder is back out there and, just to taunt him, the first ball is hit back to him. He throws out Eric Young without snapping anything, so that's good.

Honestly, Mulder is throwing eephuses up there. A line single to left by Loretta, but he somehow sneaks out of it by getting Ramon Hernandez — whom we're confusing with about six different players right now, all with different names — to fly to center and Brian Giles to ground to third, a weird play that Abraham Nunez almost screwed up. So still nothing here.

Something about that commercial with the huge walnut makes us giggle.

Cardinals 0, Padres 0

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND: Larry Walker strikes out looking, and Reggie Sanders drills a line drive that the flamboyantly maned Greene swipes. Everything we ever hear about Greene is that he's this mild-mannered, respectful, quiet guy. Which makes us understand the hair even less.

Mark Grudzielanek appears to have grown a playoff beard. He grounds out, and the announcers seem to think Mulder will be back. We'll see if that's a good thing.

Cardinals 0, Padres 0

TOP OF THE SECOND: Nice biographical note: Mark Mulder has been known to water ski. Sure the Cardinals love that. He also finally got rid of that goddamn soul patch. Still has streaks in his hair, though. Brian Giles grounds back to him. The ball, that is.

Khalil Greene walks. There goes the perfect game! Joe Randa rips a line drive right off Mulder's left arm — which is kind of important for his profession — and rolls away for a single. Mulder looks hurt. Christ. There goes the no-hitter.

And then he hits Xavier Nady, which is, strangely, the exact same name of our fish when we were a kid. Bases are loaded, one out. Mulder looks terrified. So do we.

Fortunately, world-class sprinter and steroid cheat Ben Johnson looks awful swinging and missing at three off-speed pitches. Astacio looks somewhat better knicking a ball off the plate that Mulder grabs and, in his hardest throw since he was hit with the line drive, throws him out, barely. We will be very surprised if Mulder comes out for the third, though; that's a bad place to get hit with a line drive.

Cardinals 0, Padres 0

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST: David Eckstein smacks one right up the middle, and here we go. We know Pedro Astacio has pitched well the second half of this year, but we still can't quite believe he's starting Game 2 of a playoff series.

Jim Edmonds pops out. We really think Albert Pujols should wear that mask all the time when he bats. He probably should have been; he pokes a dopey ground ball that's an easy double play.

Cardinals 0, Padres 0

TOP OF THE FIRST: Eric Karros and Steve "Not The Nude Sunbather, Sorry" made it back from yesterday's game in Atlanta to do this one. Still think Karros looks like Mickey Rourke in Sin City from the side. We used that joke yesterday, but we don't care. We still like it.

We think we just heard dugout reporter Duke Castiglione — whom we know well out here in New York — say that the Padres' doctor's name was "Mr. Hankey." We heard that wrong, right? Eric Young grounds out, as does Mark Loretta, not to be confused with "Baretta." (Another pop culture reference! Somebody stop us!)

Carlos Hernandez, who runs like he's trying to keep his pants up, grounds out as well, and we're off and running.

Cardinals 0, Padres 0

Just bookmark this page and keep reloading throughout the game. We've already eliminated Joe Morgan and Chris Berman as potential broadcasters, so, you know, we should be in pretty good shape here.

Playoff Pants Party: Braves Vs. Astros [Deadspin]

(Live Blog Begins After The Jump. It Ends In The Top Of The Eighth, Though. Sorry.)

TOP OF THE EIGHTH: From a reader:

"And 'He ain't 80,' referring to your note about Andy Pettite in the live blog, is one of my favorite lines to bust out. Two years ago, when Georgia Tech made it to the NCAA basketball championship to be UConn's whipping boy, they featured a forward named Clarence Moore. Because I'm one of those sicko proud alums, I made a t-shirt featuring his picture with the phrase "I ain't 80" on it. Why? Because have you heard of more of an old-man name than "Clarence Moore"?"

We're not sure what we mean, but yeah! Chris Reitsma is in the game. Leadoff single to Adam Everett. Game slows to a crawl. Brad Ausmus just hit an infield single, which we do not understand.

Pettitte bunts everybody over. Biggio is walked. And here comes ... Jeff Bagwell! Still alive! He knocks it into left field for a single, another run home. And the Braves are in serious trouble.

Another pitching change. And guess what? We have to leave soon. This is when you yell at us and get all angry and are completely justified.

But Lance Berkman strikes out. Morgan Ensberg could top Reggie Sanders here. Full count. Bases loaded. Biggest pitch of the game ...

Gotta go!

Naw, just kidding. Ensberg walks. Now we really do have to go, though. Astros are up 10-3. You can pretty much take it from here, right?

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH: Man. Braves were spirited there. We went to the bathroom, and when we came back, the inning was over. Seven pitches? Hey, Atlanta ... don't you need a baserunner?

Astros 5, Braves 3

TOP OF THE SEVENTH: Pettitte weirds everybody out by leading off with a double. Biggio bunts him over; it makes us giggle to watch Pettitte run.

Willy Tavares, according to Eric Karros, "lacks the ability to get the ball out of the infield." One would think that might be important. He grounds it to short, and Pettitte stays at third. Hudson intentionally walks Berkman. Ever wonder why they use the adverb "intentionally?" When did that catch on?

Big out here. Not-A-Jew Morgan Ensberg spanks — hee — it into left, knocking in his fourth run. Here comes Bobby Cox. Don't punch any ladies on the way to the mound!

Old John Waters standby Devine is the reliever. He looks terrified. He hits a guy and goes up 2-0 on Orlando Palmeiro, who does not take steroids and does not have a mustache. Palmeiro just misses a grand slam. Braves still alive. Not that they were close to actually dying. They weren't.

Astros 5, Braves 3

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH: The last time someone got a hit in this game, our pants fit.

Watching Andruw Jones bat — Pettitte mowed the first two batters down — we're reminded that he once hit a home run in the World Series at the age of 19. He's, like, 27 now. That still freaks us out.

Terry Pendelton is still the Braves hitting coach. Anybody find that surprising? Couldn't he have moved up right now? Does he just want to be a manager? Does he like the job that much?

Hey, look, a baserunner! Jones walks. Very slowly, actually. Julio Franco moves much faster, trotting back to the dugout while looking at a called first strike.

Astros 4, Braves 3

TOP OF THE SIXTH: Sorry: We're still pretty weirded out by that whole Tim Hudson/Landing Strip thing. What's your vector, Victor?

Just to remind, as the announcers, trying to keep busy as both pitchers mow people down, bring up Kyle Farnsworth: The man loves the booze.

Another 1-2-3 inning. We're zoomin' along!

Astros 4, Braves 3.

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH: Hey, we think we saw Johnny Estrada playing at the Copa last month; pick up a dictionary and look up "class," you'll see a picture of Johnny, baby!

Pettitte zips through 1-2-3. As opposed to 3-2-1 Contact. That's what we at Deadspin like to call a "pop culture reference."

Astros 4, Braves 3

TOP OF THE FIFTH: From a reader:

"Tim Hudson's sad little V of chin hair bears a tragic resemblance to the 'landing strip' of pubic hair sported by many a naked young woman being degraded for cash on the Internet. If Mr. Hudson has a significant other who hates that little triangle below his lip, there's her chance to get it immediately removed: No man can think the same way about his chin coiff once it's compared to something vaginal.

Oh, and he can't pitch worth a shit with it."

Yow. We feel weird saying this now, but Hudson's starting to look good; he shuts down the 'Stros 1-2-3. Landing strip. Yipes.

Astros 4, Braves 3

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH: Stop emailing, please: We know Morgan Ensberg is not Jewish. We were joking, like the way everyone thinks David Eckstein is Jewish but isn't. Hey, we're always joking around here, making jokes, joshin', you know.

God bless Craig Biggio: He can get himself hit standing at second base; Marcus Giles just hammered him on a double. The good gnus is that this is now closer to being a game. The bad gnus is that the Tomahawk Chop is back.

Things that make us feel old: The announcer just said, "Pettitte is still pretty agile for the age of 33." Come on! He ain't 80!

Andruw "OK, Maybe Third Place In MVP Voting" jacks a two-run homer, and apparently someone at Turner Field brought air horns. One-run game.

A walk to Julio Franco, and then a nifty bunt from the spirited rookie who was on the cover of SI and whose name we totally cannot spell. Braves really need to take advantage right here.

And there you go: Jordan hits into a double play. Still.

Astros 4, Braves 3

TOP OF THE FOURTH: Brad Ausmus just doubled. Good for him! Hudson just stepped off and faked a throw to third, which made us laugh.

Biggio flies to center, and Andruw "Gold Glove?" "MVP?" Jones throws the ball about 10 feet over the catcher's head. The Braves are coasting along for another early playoff exit. Always fun.

Grounder to third ends the inning. Hurry! We have plans at seven!

Astros 4, Braves 1

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD: Andy Pettitte is cruising along. It's amazing how much more likable he is when he's not in Pinstripes, isn't it? Weird how that works.

We love how the public address announcer has to occasionally play that "Day-O!" clip just to remind the fans they're still at a game. Honestly, Atlanta fans suck. Yeah, we're talking to you! 1-2-3 again.

Astros 3, Braves 1

TOP OF THE THIRD: One-out double for Biggio. If he doesn't get hit this game, honestly, we're going to be disappointed.

Tim Hudson follows with two walks, bringing Leo Mazzone to the mound. Obvious questions: Has anyone ever thought to do a Leo Mazzone bobblehead doll?

Morgan Ensberg singles in two runs, even though it's Rosh Hashanah. All Hudson is missing right now is a big long Amish goatee. And now he just hit a guy. (With a ball.) A groundout bails him out.

Astros 3, Braves 1

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND: Julio Franco ... we really don't have anything more we can say here. The dude is jacked. When we're 47, we expect to have a good four feet of navel depth. He strikes out.

It's kind of sad to see Tim Kirkjian playing the Erin Andrews role. No offense to Erin, of course; you know what we mean. Tim could look cool in pink, though; like an old Cherry 7-Up commerical. 1-2-3. Game scooting by.

Astros 1, Braves 1

TOP OF THE SECOND: Is Orlando Palmeiro batting sixth? Remind us again why we picked these guys for the World Series? We did, however, love the music he did with Dawn.

The announcers are making a big deal about Brian Jordan starting, like it's a huge deal. ("People have been wondering, 'Will Jordan be able to move around out there?" Karros just asked. Nope. They're just gonna tie him to a stake and move him around via motor, like the bunny in a greyhound race.) He just made a nice catch in left for the first out. We will always love Brian Jordan for what he did against the Padres the last time the Cardinals played them in the playoffs. That was nine years ago. We cannot overemphasize how old that makes us feel.

Brad Ausmus grounds into a double play. We are shocked to find gambling in this establishment!

Astros 1, Braves 1

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST: Faceless, nameless lead broadcaster points out that "it's a tradition of empty seats in the postseason here." How do you not love Atlanta? Leadoff batter grounds back to Andy Pettitte. Next guy flies out. Chipper Jones — whose real name is Chipothalemew, by the way; it's Choctaw Indian — then blasts a homer over the right-field wall. We think we speak for all of America when we say, "Please don't go into extra innings." Andruw "MVP?" Jones flies out to end the frame. We like calling it a "frame." Makes us feel like A Baseball Man.

Astros 1, Braves 1

TOP OF THE FIRST: Looks like our color men are nude sunbather Steve Phillips and Eric Karros, who, from the side, kind of looks like Mickey Rourke in Sin City.

Craig Biggio — whose tribute blog Plunk Biggio is one of our favorites — singles to lead off. The Astros are already playing one run at a time; sacrifice bunt. Bill James is watching this game and thinking, "you know, if I gained another 40 pounds, I could look pretty similar to Rob Reiner." Then Berkman walks. Morgan Ensberg smacks it up the middle, and we already have a score. Bobby Cox knocks his wife against the wall in frustration. (Sorry. We're really going to try to avoid making Bobby-Cox-Used-To-Beat-His-Wife-Jokes. Gonna be tough.)

Double play ends the inning. Clang goes the trolley.

Astros 1, Braves 0

Bookmark this page and keep reloading throughout the game. Occasionally we'll be checking in on Wrigley Field, just to make sure they're not playing any playoff games there. Should be fun.

(Live Blog Begins After The Jump)

TOP OF THE NINTH: Varitek: Out. Olerud doubles off the wall in a fashion that almost kills center fielder Aaron Rowland. Bill Mueller pops out to the first baseman.

Tony Graffanino, just to be a rascal, hits a DEEP drive to right ... and it's caught. Pretty much sums up the whole game, minus the, you know, ritualistic pounding. Boy, not a good day to be a Red Sox fan.

We'll see you tomorrow. Enjoy those "Yankees," as they're known.

FINAL: White Sox 14, Red Sox 2.

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH: A housekeeping note for anyone actually still checking this: We'll be live-blogging the Braves-Astros game tomorrow, starting at 4 p.m. ET. We have stuff we have to do around 7:15, though, so root for a quick game.

Dammit, quit hitting homers, Pierzynski. We can't take cutting and pasting your name. Not a good start for Bronson Arroyo, who came into relieve. Well, at least he has some people to provide him comfort.

Arroyo keeps walking people. Please make him stop it. Another hit, another run.

White Sox 14, Red Sox 2

TOP OF THE EIGHTH: Watching David Ortiz run the bases is funny. Uh, for the record, we might pinch run for him right now. Just to be safe. He's kind of important to the Red Sox, we think.

After 7 2/3 of dominating, Contreras is pulled. We mean that literally; he was pulled by an orderly, in a wheelchair.

White Sox 12, Red Sox 2

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH: As tends to happen in 12-2 games, we're looking ahead to tomorrow. David Wells is pitching for the Red Sox, and he's gonna get the gut booed off him; he was horrible and lazy for the White Sox. He's facing Mark Buerhle. The last time Wells was part of such a big game, it was the 2003 World Series, when he begged out because of back problems. Hmmm.

Whoa! Just heard that Padres' starter Jake Peavy is out for the season with a broken rib. Ouch. That would be called a "bad start to the series." Thoughts, Gas Lamp Ball?

White Sox 12, Red Sox 2

TOP OF THE SEVENTH: The last time the Red Sox had a hit, we were clean-shaven. Now? Well, we're still clean-shaved. But we have a hard time growing body hair.

From a reader, about the glory that is Chris Berman:

"Jesus Christ. Chris Berman: "We have ourselves an official blow-out."
At least I don't have to listen to Tim Effing McCarver. One more gem: "If only the bears could score like this." Is he retarded?"

That's 10 in a row by Contreras. Great moments in advertising: For the third consecutive half-inning, Berman's blatherings have been cut off by a commercial.

White Sox 12, Red Sox 2

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH: Leadoff walk to Aaron Rowland and then a hit-by-pitch. Always fun when that happens while down by six runs.

One out later, a hit by Juan Uribe brings home a run. And then, to the melodic stylings of Chris Berman screaming, "The Podsednik Adventure Has Set Sail!" — Scott Podsednik pounds a three-run homer, and this game is TOAST. That's Podsednik's first home run of the year, by the way.

White Sox 12, Red Sox 2

TOP OF THE SIXTH: More highlights from SOSH: "Sucking choking losers. I RENOUNCE THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP! I RENOUNCE THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP!"

From someone named "Morass Of Negativity: "What an asshat this guy is. I've never seen a guy spit the bit as badly as Clement. He's literally pissing himself out there. Pussy. Too bad he didnt get knocked out of the game with a bruised whatever..."

"Matt Clement is a skinny pussy toad. It would be awesome if Henry wouldn't let him fly back to Boston with the team."

We don't mean to pick on Sons Of Sam Horn, who, after all, are the most loyal, rabid, most influencial group of fans on the Web. But they're also the most brutal, which is why we can't help but point them out. (It's worth noting too that this ranting would never fly on one of SOSH's main board threads. But we feek kind of dirty knowing that.)

Sox go down in order again. Contreras is pitching pretty well for a guy who once slept with Lady Bird Johnson.

White Sox 8, Red Sox 2

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH: White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen is being interviewed. We'd give anything to hear him drop a "fuckers" here.

Bradford is cruising. The chapter on him in Moneyball is still our favorite. We're still certain he gets rugburns when he pitches on turf. Perfect time to take him out, by the way. Kind of weird that the Comiskey Fans gave him the "shah-na-na-na" chat as he left. He didn't let a runner on base. That's a taunt? "Ya holla 1-8-7 with mah dick in yo mouth, bitch." That's a taunt.

White Sox 8, Red Sox 2

TOP OF THE FIFTH: Meat of Red Sox order goes down 1-2-3. Totally not a good sign.

White Sox 8, Red Sox 2

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH: We wish A.J. Pierzynski would stop doing things of note — he just doubled to right to lead off the inning — because we're not nearly as good at spelling his name as we are at spelling Mark Grudzielanek's.

After a fly out, Juan Uribe — not to be confused with Jose Uribe/Jose Gonzalez of about a decade-plus ago — jacks one over the left-field wall, and the White Sox have those runs right back. Pretty shocking Clement's still in there. Oh, hey, here comes Francona! We can actually hear Red Sox fans booing from our couch. Or maybe that's just gas.

We love watching Chad Bradford pitch. Though when you pitch like that, do you really need a goatee? He shuts down the last two hitters.

Hey, look, an ad for Simmons' book! About five seconds long, but an ad, anyway.

White Sox 8, Red Sox 2

TOP OF THE FOURTH: Checking in with the Sons Of Sam Horn guys again: "Anybody catch the video in between innings of the grounds crew spreading sawdust on the mound to cover the shit that Clement left??"

But here come the Red Sox. Trot Nixon singles to right, then Jason Varitek bunted down third, which third baseman Joe Crede pulls his Neil Rackers imitation on and booted it behind the catcher. Second and third, no out.

Wild pitch, run scores. We're still in the fourth inning after all. Kevin Miller lashes a double into right, scoring another one. Piazza — who's not such a bad broadcaster, by the way — says Millar "had a plan for that at-bat." A Red Sox friend chimes in: "i can assure you of one thing: millar did not have a plan."

Things that are funny: Watching Kevin Millar try to beat out a throw. Uh, out. Graffanino hits into a fielder's choice, which is definitively the most boring play in sports to write about. Damon strikes out to end the "rally."

White Sox 6, Red Sox 2

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD: From a reader about Red Sox manager Terry Francona's interview with ESPN right now: "This interview is everything you ever needed to know about terry francona compressed to 30 seconds. my friend matt just punched a wall." We just love that he called Chris Berman "Boomer." Only in sports do grown men call other grown men "Boomer."

After Jermaine Dye's warning-track fly out to left just now, you could hear the disappointment in Berman's voice after he said his first, "Back!" once he realized the ball was hit too short to necessitate further "Back!"s.

Fortunately for him, Paul Konerko took care of that for him on the very next pitch, smashing it over the left field wall.

White Sox 6, Red Sox 0

TOP OF THE THIRD: Tony Graffanino — still can't believe he's starting for the defending World Champs, by the way — leads off with a double. We didn't know A.J. Pierzynski and Johnny Damon went to school together. No way those guys haven't gotten stoned together before. Damon looked kind of stoned taking that third strike right there, by the way.

Edgar Renteria grounds out. David Ortiz dinks a little grounder that falls in that grey area of the shift and reaches. Manny Ramirez could make this more fun to write about right here.

Grounder to third. Commentator Mike Piazza sounds audibly disappointed. Do you think he took broadcast lessons from Sam Champion?

White Sox 5, Red Sox 0

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND: With one out, Podsednik singles to left. We cut to an interview with Frank Thomas, who threw out the first pitch tonight. (He's out for the playoffs; every time the White Sox make a postseason, that guy is either hurt, or they cancel the damned World Series. Poor fella.)

Podsednik is thrown out stealing, Iguchi flies to center, Leitch starting to lack all feeling in his fingers.

Erin Andrews is very pink, by the way.

White Sox 5, Red Sox 0

TOP OF THE SECOND: Fun from the guys at Sons Of Sam Horn: "I honestly do not ever want to see this fucktard in a Sox uniform again. What a pile of shit, Way to cower like a pussy once the pressure gets on. I hope you are destined to a career with the Devil Dogs and the KC Royals from here on out you piece of crap." What was it Bill Simmons said about a five-year grace period?

Kevin Millar, with a runner on first, takes a low pitch for strike three. Some fat man with an unbuttoned shirt and an old-school White Sox hat jumps up to swing a towel in the air while his wife looks on, horrified. We are 95 percent sure we went to high school with that guy. Grounder to second ends the inning.

White Sox 5, Red Sox 0

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST: Is it just us, or does Matt Clement look like the the type of guy who would purposely throw at hitters' toes? It's not just the facial hair either; he looks like it's something he might have done as a kid too. He hits Scott Podsednik in the foot, who is bunted to second by Isatekasdfaahu Iguchi.

Here's hoping Jermaine Dye doesn't break his freaking leg this year. Ha! He just got hit in the ankle! What did we tell you?

Podsednik steals third. Paul Konerko misses a home run by five feet. He then hits into a fielder's choice to score a run. It doesn't really matter what Carl Everett does, because dinosaurs never walked the earth, and because dinosaurs never walked the earth, we're through the looking glass here, white is black, black is white, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. It's wild here. (OK, fine, he singled to right.)

Then Aaron Rowand rips a single to left, and you can hear the moans of Yawkey Way from here.

And then ... Smilin' A.J. Pierzynski smashes a three-run homer to the opposite field. 5-0 White Sox!

Cogent analysis from an instant message from a Red Sox fan friend of ours:

"FUCK YOU clement. fuck you fucking shit. what a fucking waste."

Lord, how we've missed playoff baseball.

White Sox 5, Red Sox 0

TOP OF THE FIRST INNING: Well, Chris Berman is calling the game, so at least we won't have to hear any overblown catchphrases.

Speaking of Berman, it's terrifying to hear him say the phrase, "he fists that one into right." Don't like him using that verb. At all. Edgar Renteria sneaks a cheap double.

It has gotten to the point that when David Ortiz strikes out, the announcers have to exclaim, "Wow!" That's pretty amazing. Manny Ramirez grounds to third, and America is shocked by a scoreless first.

White Sox 0, Red Sox 0

But we're gonna give it a try, because the Cardinals are so cool that, as you can tell from the picture, sometimes they get in the stands and drink beer with the fans. Bookmark this page and keep reloading all day.

Playoffs Pants Party: Cardinals vs. Padres [Deadspin]

(Live Blog Begins After The Jump)

TOP OF THE NINTH

Nothing comes easy: Padres score a run and LaRussa brings in Jason Isringhausen. This is almost certain to be the least stressful postseason appearance for the Cards closer.

He gives up a groundout to let in a run. One more out to go, and we can sleep with at least a modicum of sleep for the next two nights.

Ryan Klesko — not to be confused with Matthew Lesko — rips a single into right. Let's finish this already. Crap. Mark Loretta knocks the ball into center, and the tying run is at the place. For the record, if they did (no!) happen to come back and win this, we're going to set this puppy on fire. He's right here. And he's cute. So you know.

And holy crap. Giles singles. Robert Fick is the tying run. HELP!

And now HE hammers a single into right field. Uh ... remember what we were saying about the least stressful Isringhausen outing? Forget that.

OK, Carlos Hernandez just did all Cardinals fans a favor and decided he was swinging at every pitch. He strikes out on three pitches, and Isringhausen — who was getting booed by Cardinals fans, no small feat — escapes. Game One goes to the Cardinals. Everybody take a deep breath. We're gonna go hug something soft now.

FINAL: Cardinals 8, Padres 5

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH: We just got our first shot of David Eckstein's father. We won't get into the story here — just check it out if you want the background — but rest assured, if the Cardinals advance to the NLCS or even the World Series, you're going to be hearing about this more than you could possibly imagine.

Cardinals 8, Padres 2

TOP OF THE EIGHTH: Eric Young just hit a home run off Randy Flores, who kind of looks like Cillian Murphy to us. Didn't he used to be fast? He kind of looks like Ray King right now.

Tony LaRussa is so weird. He just brought in So Taguchi to play left field ... for three batters. He then took him out in a double switch. Man's a stinkin' genius.

Padres had a cute little "rally" there. Good for them! (Whoa. Sounded like a Red Sox fan there.)

Cardinals 8, Padres 2

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH: We're watching a Dennis Miller NetZero commercial right now (Cards went scoreless against the Japanese pitcher with the weird delivery, by the way), and we're reminded of Deadspin associate editor Rick Chandler's brilliant comedy piece about the Miller of 2003 being visited by the Miller of 1988.

"DENNIS MILLER (1988): What do you know about football? I seem to recall a certain touch football game at Saturday Night Live where I asked Kevin Nealon to 'hold my inhaler while I try to catch the oblong object.' Football? I thought Joe Montana was a town where you couldn't get cable."

Cardinals 8, Padres 1

TOP OF THE SEVENTH: Cards take out Carpenter, apparently because of a minor injury. We're hoping that minor injury is called "an 8-0 lead." Apparently it's "cramps in his hand." Reliever Brad Thompson apparently has cramps somewhere; first and third, nobody out for the Padres.

Sacrifice fly, a Padres run, another fly out and now a pitching change for the Cardinals. You can always count on Tony LaRussa to stretch a game out. Forget what we said earlier about this being over in time to start the Red Sox-White Sox live blog.

LaRussa brings in lefthander Randy Flores, which is very disappointing. We were hoping he'd bring in portly Ray King, who, after the Cardinals clinched the playoffs last year, hopped on LaRussa's back, who then carried him around the clubhouse. At the time, we commented, "This must have looked like an ant trying to carry a Cocoa Puff."

Cardinals 8, Padres 1

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH: From the chat on Gas Lamp Ball: "They should start throwing at the Cards. Hit like every batter you can. Try and hurt them. It's over, get that edge for tomorrow." This is what we used to do in Little League all the time. It's quite fun. We actually play this same game with our cats.

Cards go down in order. At this rate, this game's gonna be over just in time to do the Red Sox-White Sox live blog. That is, if Jose Contreras makes it through his treacherous boat escape from Cuba in time.

Cardinals 8, Padres 0

TOP OF THE SIXTH: For some reason, a jet just flew over Busch Stadium very loudly and very low. Joe Morgan and Jon Miller seem to find this funny. We only think it would be funny if they used jets to knock down Busch Stadium at the end of the season. That would be less funny than really freaking cool. Padres go down in order. Carpenter cruising. Time for a daiquiri!

Cardinals 8, Padres 0

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH: Looks like Jake Peavy took a groundball of his groin on a single by Edmonds. Do pitchers wear cups? We're wondering if any other professions other than athletes wear cups? Is there a market for selling cups to lawyers? We think there might be. Pujols rips a line drive single to right, and it's time for another Larry Walker story from reader Stan of gentrifriedrice.com.

"When I was growing up in the bay area, I used to go to Giants games at the 'Stick and sit in the bleacher seats (four bucks!) with my friends. So there was one game in '99 against the Rockies... and the fans in the bleachers were being especially tough on Larry Walker. Nothing really offensive, just typical taunting.... I think I might have yelled, "How's your wife and my kids?" at some point. At some point in the game, when the Rockies were taking the field again, Larry came over and addressed the entire right field bleacher section, telling us that there was too much hate in the world... something about, "This is why Columbine happened." Needless to say, the taunting stopped.

No, wait... my mistake. It only got worse after that."

Come on. Everybody knows Columbine happened because of Trent Reznor. Duh. Walker walks. Bases loaded. This could get real bad real fast.

And then it does. Grand slam for Reggie Sanders. That's six RBIs for him. That's all for Peavy. That's all for the Padres in Game One. We're gonna keep live blogging, though, because people who leave games early are freaking lame.

Cardinals 8, Padres 0

TOP OF THE FIFTH: ESPN just blacked out again. We know this is happening throughout the New York area, but how about the rest of the country?

This is the most upset we have ever been about not having to listen to Joe Morgan. According to Yahoo Sports, runner on first with one out.

OK, we're back. Yahoo wasn't lying. Jake Peavy strikes out trying to bunt. Dave Roberts flies out to left. Will Leitch notices that his one of his toes has developed a bit of a bunion.

Cardinals 4, Padres 0

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH: A church song from our youth: "Father Abraham ... had many sons ... many sons had Father Abraham ... I am one of them ... and so are you ... so let's just Praise the Lord!" We'd then put our left arm out in front of us, yell "LEFT ARM!" and then repeat the verse, moving onto the right arm, the left leg, our head, so on. We don't remember why this was. In related news, Abraham Nunez just grounded out, Yadier Molina ("Father Yadier ... had many sons ... many sons had Father Yadier ...") struck out and Carpenter grounds out. We're cooking along now.

Cardinals 4, Padres 0

TOP OF THE FOURTH: Carpenter is beginning to settle in. Groundout, walk, double play. In the words of Stuart Scott, "Hey, whaddya want? They keep paying me to do this shit. What would you do?" Or, "Boo-ya," your call.

Cardinals 4, Padres 0

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD: Tony LaRussa just made an excellent managerial move in regards to defensive positioning, though Joe Morgan took so many extra words to explain it that, even though we saw it and understood it at the time, we're now confused, somehow. Carpenter grounds out and is already in the dugout by the time the fielder picks up the ball. Eckstein — who, contrary to popular opinion, is not in fact Jewish — singles to center. Edmonds — also not Jewish, but occasionally rumored to be gay — bloops a dopey double down the line. The Padres are obviously walking Pujols. Larry Walker is coming up. Blame Canada!

A wild pitch send Eckstein scampering home, and then the Padres just walk Walker. Reggie Sanders could make the tenor of this live blog much lighter the rest of the way with one swing.

WHAMMO. Little dart two-run single for Sanders. 4-0. We feel comfortable putting pants on now. Grudzielanek hits into a double play just when we started to nap a little.

Cardinals 4, Padres 0

TOP OF THE THIRD: We were playing this exact game on MVP Baseball 2005 last night, and somehow Jake Peavy hit three home runs. (We actually won 4-3, if you can believe that.) If he does that today, we're never live-blogging again. He saves us all by striking out. Dave Roberts just singled to right, and then Klesko did the same thing. This is when we start to become unable to control our pee.

Carpenter's breaking ball is starting to look a balloon with the air being left out of it. Mark Loretta has a full count on him. First and second. And ... we swear to God ... our ESPN just went out. Every channel is working ... except for that one. We hate everything on earth right now.

And we're back. And Loretta grounds into a double play. We just yelled so loud, we think the opera singer lady choked on something. We couldn't tell what it was, being in Italian and all.

Cardinals 1, Padres 0

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND: We live downstairs from an opera singer, and she warbles all freaking day. It's brutal. She sounds like she's being attacked by Barry Melrose. Reggie Sanders strikes out. Mark Grudzielanek — and yes, we can actually spell that right on the first try; it took us until midseason — flies out to center. In honor of Rosh Hashanah, Abraham (Nunez) singles to right. Catcher Yadier Molina grounds to short because he runs about as fast as us, from this couch, right now.

Cardinals 1, Padres 0

TOP OF THE SECOND: Former Cardinals Mark Sweeney grounds out to Albert Pujols, a fact evident to everyone on the planet but the first-base umpire. Pujols was this close to getting thrown out. Terrible call. Kill the umpire! (No, not really. A wedgie will be fine.)

Ramon Hernandez hits a ball right at Eckstein, who somehow misses it, probably because it wasn't a really hot hobbit. First and second. Khalil Greene helpfully flies out to left field to ease our terror for a brief second. And a double play keeps us from overdosing on Mylanta.

Cardinals 1, Padres 0

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST: David Eckstein pretends he's taller than 4-foot-2 and lofts a lazy one to left field. One out. Jim Edmonds, considerably taller than Eckstein, blasts one over the left field wall! 1-0 Birds! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

Larry Walker comes up. Great story about Walker sent to us from Padres blogger Gas Lamp Ball:

"Here's a story about your right fielder. We went to a Rockies game once when they visited the Padres. These five dudes in front of us thought there was an ESPN broadcast even though there wasn't. Each guy had a letter and they spelled out "ESPN!" exclamation point and everything, trying to get on TV. Eventually, somebody told them there wasn't an ESPN broadcast, so they took to heckling Walker the rest of the game. They rearranged themselves and spelled "PEN!S".

When they finally got Larry's attention, he gave the guys the old tounge in the cheek fellatio gesture. Everybody in right field fell in love with Larry Walker after that."

Walker rewards the Padres fans' affection by striking out on three pitches.

Cardinals 1, Padres 0

TOP OF THE FIRST: Hey, look, it's Jon Miller and Joe Morgan calling the game. Wonderful!

Cardinals take the field. We're hoping Bruce Bochy's mustache has the same restorative powers as Dave Wannstedt's. We'll find out real quick how if Carpenter looks like Good Carpenter or September Carpenter. First pitch almost hits the mascot. Yikes. Dave Roberts hits the ball very hard, but right at the Canadian mountie in right field. One out. Ryan Klesko — whom we're surprised never showed up in any steroid rumors — walks. Here we go.

Mark Loretta flies out to center. ESPN's Gary Miller is in the dugout, giving a report. Careful not to pee on any cops while you're in there, Gary! Carpenter gets Giles looking on what the kids call a "yakker."

Cardinals 0, Padres 0