Greetings, Spinheads: Another Deadspin State Of The Champion Address

One More Special Message To Go

• We noticed a slightly tangy flavor in Shaq's ass.
• Stephen Jackson's therapeutic measures.
• Look! We have video!
• And ode to one ol friend.
• And some others.
• Fun with domestic violence.
• Jay Mariotti could use some protection.
• Zombie Kickball.
• Good grief.
• We'll always remember you, Carl.
• We do hope the message people get out of this post is not "oooh, blog fight!" Because it's not. We continue to encourage everyone to check out The Big Lead. It's a good site. Swear.
• Wow. This was staggering. We still can't believe Simmons and Van Pelt showed up. And Christ, Skeets is a genius.
• Drafty!
• If you made it all the way through this, you win the kewpie doll.
• These guys have already been hanging around our apartment all day, measuring the windows, checking out drapery. Jeez, guys, wait until the body's cold, would ya?

Fun week. Your weekend editor is Christmas Ape.

OK, let's get this over with, after the jump.

We're Afraid, Dave. We're Afraid.

Look Dave, we can see you're really upset about this. We honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over.

We know we've made some very poor decisions recently, but we can give you our complete assurance that our work will be back to normal. We've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And we want to help you.

Our mind is going. We can feel it. We can feel it. Our mind is going. There is no question about it. We can feel it. We can feel it. We can feel it. We're a .... fraid.

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The Countdown Begins ...

• The Celtics were rather convincing.
• The Beijing kids are back.
• Well played, Mets, totally.
• Oak!
• Tiger wins, and then he's done.
• Jemele Hill will sit a few plays out.
• We thought Drew's column was dead-on this week.
• Hank Steinbrenner, visionary.
• Lance Armstrong is not always friendly.

All right, kids: Just one more week of our drivel left. Unsilent Majority is your weekend boss. We'll be back, all heavy-hearted, on Monday. We'll try not to get beaten up at Fenway tomorrow.

She Can't Act, She Can't Sing, She Can't Dance. A Triple Threat.

What's wrong with the way we talk? What's the big idea? Are we dumb or something?

All we do is dream of you the whole night through.
With the dawn we still go on, dreaming of you.
You're every thought, you're everything, you're every song we ever sing; summer, winter, autumn and spring.
And were there more than twenty four hours a day; they'd be spent in sweet content dreaming away; when skies are grey, when skies are blue; morning, noon and night time too.
All we do the whole day through is dream of you.

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She Wears Glasses, So She Must Be Smart

• Who cares if he doesn't like bloggers? After this, we do love Michael Wilbon.
• Rick Sutcliffe is all googly-eyed over Erin Andrews.
• A message to the graduates.
• Jose Lima's new friend.
• Reilly calls Simmons a "blogger." Burn!
• Roger Clemens and boners.
• El Hombre goes down.
• Everybody loves Jay Mariotti.
• Kobe is sad.
• Stupid Tim Donaghy.
• LA fight!

All right, just a fortnight left, kids. Matt Sussman is your weekend editor; we will be spending our weekend sending taunting text messages to Daulerio about the Cardinals-Phillies series. See you Monday.

Are We Gonna Die? Because We Wrote This?

Hello? Is the bathroom on this level working? A dog inside the building! Go! Shoo! Why you're not a dog at all. My god, this is like a moment from a horror movie. This is precisely the moment where the mutation or beast will attempt to kill an unlikable side character. But, in stories where there has been no prior cursing, violence, nudity or death, such as in a family film, the unlikable character will escape his encounter, and be referenced later in the story, having learned valuable lessons. He may even be given a humorous moment to allow the audience to feel good about him. This is where we turn to run. You will leap for us, we will shut the door, and you will land a fraction of a second too late.

Characters were walking around, saying their thoughts out loud. Who does that? And in a typical romance where the couple finally tell each other they love one another in the rain. Why does everyone like to stand around and talk in the rain in movies?

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So, Yeah, Active Week

• See ya, Hirshey.
• See ya ... what? See ya ... us?
• If the Cubs are gonna keep winning, at least this happened.
• Uh, yikes.
• This guy is the greatest.
• Ron Artest, journalist.
• Drew, out of the closet.
• We're not sure we'd get along with Chuck Bednarik.
• Everybody likes that Kimbo Slice character.
• Duck!
• We're already in love with the NBA Finals.

Miss a week, miss a lot, people. The countdown officially begins; we only get to write three more of these week wrapups. Alas. Your weekend editor is the esteemed Christmas Ape. We hope he likes horse races who dope. We'll see you Monday. Oh, and you kids in Chicago for the Pants Party? Go crazy; we are incredibly sad we won't be there.

You're Too Much Trouble. Get Some Therapy.

We were a stand-up tomato: a juicy, sexy, beefsteak tomato. Nobody does vegetables like us. We did an evening of vegetables off-Broadway. We did the best tomato, the best cucumber... we did an endive salad that knocked the critics on their ass.

We don't believe in hell. We believe in unemployment. But not hell.

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Hitchin' A Ride

• Foul, or not a foul? Doesn't matter now.
• Oddsmaker came back!
• This car is awesome.
• Michael Jackson, UFC fan.
• Loving YMCA.
• Ryan Howard, a Tractor Traylor heir.
• Alfonso Soriano is sensitive.
• Back from France.
• Scary.
• Here comes Reilly!
• Borat and heavyweight champs.

That'll do it for us; we had a late-night birthday party last night, so we're going to sleep now. Christmas Ape is your weekend driver, so tell him hi, and we'll see you Monday.

We Think People Should Mate For Life, Like Pigeons Or Catholics.

We're older than her father, can you believe that? We're dating a girl, wherein, we can beat up her father.

This is so antiseptic. It's empty. Why do you think this is funny? You're going by audience reaction? This is an audience that's raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!

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(Movie quotes inspired by this brilliance:)

Perhaps Simmons Should Write A Newspaper Column

• Tony K kisses newspapers goodbye.
• Utah fans are scary.
• Dee Mirich returns!
• Reggie MIller, drinkin'
• Hirshey nailed the end of the EPL season.
• Barkley and Vegas, two great tastes that taste great together.
• Sit a few plays out, big guy.
• Thank you, Milwaukee!
• When Charles Haley attacks.
• Boo Edmonds!
• Do not taunt LeBron's mom.
• Love those St. Paul Saints.
• Well played, Tomase.
• O.J. Mayo, genius.
• Joe Phillips' difficulties.
• Bill Simmons has some issues with his current situation.

That'll do it for us, y'all. Unsilent Majority is your DJ this weekend, and we'll be back on Monday. If the Cardinals are swept by the Rays, expect the tone to veer toward the surly.

Worry Is Like Interest Paid In Advance On A Debt That Never Comes Due

Nobody looks at a Japanese tourist.

Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.

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Ozzie Guillen And His Inflatable Fans

• Inflatable groupies.
• A-Rod, cool under pressure. Totally.
• Flomax!
• Tim Tebow, a cut above.
• A kid that is now somewhat less smelly.
• The horse revolution.
• Mindy McCready, not selling albums.
• Look what two motorcycle crashes can produce.
• Jamie Moyer has a friend in baseball schedules.
• That Barkley sure is honest.
• Watch out for more Marvin Harrison news.

All right, that's it for us. We're going to enjoy the Cardinals-Brewers tonight and tomorrow — thanks to everyone who came last night — and let Mr. Christmas Ape drive this train. Hug your moms, and we'll see you Monday.

Snakes. Why'd It Have To Be Snakes?

You Americans, you're all the same. Always overdressing for the wrong occasions.

You want to talk to God? Let's go see him together, we've got nothing better to do.

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Braylon Edwards Does Not, In Fact, Blog

• Hey, What'd we miss? Oh, yeah. That.
• Oh, and nobody had a better take than Daulerio.
• John Daly, shirtless.
• Jeff Reed. Two words, so much meaning.
• Careful, Coach Weis.
• Pat Jordan is a badass.
• Roger Clemens should not be allowed around early teens. Nor should Karl Malone, for that matter.
• The balls of Lou Piniella.

Well, this would be a week we would classify as "eventful." Mr. Unsilent Majority will be your weekend top dog. Now, if you'll excuse, we are going to sleep like the dead all weekend ... and turn our phone off.

Show Us All The Blueprints

If you let him testify at that hearing, the whole world will see what he's become. They should remember him for what he was.

We'll have him dragged here to Washington. We want to see the whites of his lies.

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Now You See T.O., Now You Don't

• Terrell Owens, vanishing from porn films.
• Santonio Holmes is packing some heat.
• Butterfingers for a Red Sox fan.
• Jeff Passan and Terry Pettis.
• Topless ladies (kinda) at Rockies games.
• It's Jeff Reed night.
• Yankees-Red Sox fight!
• As spirited a defense of the NFL Draft as we could imagine.
• Pacman in Dallas.

Hey, it's NFL Draft weekend. Christmas Tunison will be your weekend editor, with Mike Tanier from Football Outsiders providing an assist. We're going to spend the weekend figuring out how Buzz Bissinger could kill us. We'll see you Monday.