Our mystery soccer correspondent files this report of Chelsea soccer star Joe Cole being beaten to a pulp over a Page 3 girl (Link NSFW).

Whichever way you cut it, it's just so British: Two members of the elite duking it out for the attentions of a woman in an exclusive London club. Or, an overpaid football lout getting the shit kicked out of him over a girl who flashes her tits in the tabloids.

I love this bit: "Keeley's sister Roxanna said: 'Our parents won't be pleased when they hear what happened.'"

She poses nude, regularly, for a tabloid newspaper, and her parents are going to be angry that a footballer got in a fight over her. Family values!

Cole Covered In Blood, Flees [The Sun] (Link NSFW)