There's something about the game of soccer that lends itself to stretcher mishaps; lucky for us. And when it happens in France, where the medics dress as if they're expecting a hotel fire, all the more hilarious. At any rate, add the above video to my collection, which is chronicled below.

via videosift.com

The two best pieces of advice I ever got both came from the father of one of my best friends back in hight school. First, no matter how fucked up you get the night before, never miss class; second always under-promise and over-deliver. It's not quite Teen Wolf quality stuff, but the guy married money and never worked a day in his life, so how he had any insight into how the world really worked I haven't a clue. Still, I sailed through college (a couple of times) just by showing up and since then have worked to keep the bar low so that I rarely disappoint. It hasn't made me a billionaire or anything, but I've also never suffered the threat of physical violence for lying about my capabilities. So that's maybe a push.

It's also what has made Arsenal's shitty form of late so strangely liberating. Entering yesterday's match-up at Stamford Bridge, the Gunners were 1-3-1 in their last five league matches and failed even to score in the last two. Some bad off-season player-personnel decisions, a couple of key injuries, and a mentally unstable captain apparently are all it takes for the wheels to come completely off. On the upside, I was so emotionally disinterested that when Johan Djourou knocked in an own goal to put Chelsea up 1-0 at the 30 minute mark, it didn't really bother me. I had already mentally penciled in another Arsenal loss, so there was no possible downside to the outcome. Diminished expectations rule.

Then in a five minute span Robin Van Pirsie scored twice—and, yes, that first one was a complete gift as no part of his body (or shadow) was even close to being onside—as Arsenal went up 2-1 and went from maybe stealing a point to walking out with all three. And it fucked everything because now a win is possible and I'm no longer blissfully detached. How people with a heart condition watch the last 10 minutes of a soccer match is beyond me. If we really want to control health costs in America, all we have to do is figure out how to make old people really care about soccer.

Anyway, Arsenal held on and looked surprisingly competent doing it. If I were an optimist, I'd think the club had a stellar November. They beat United and Chelsea and qualified for the knock out stages of the Champions League. Of course that's conveniently forgetting the bad losses to Stoke, Villa, and Citeh. The truth is Arsenal caught a break by playing Chelsea. Lesser teams that come out to beat up Arsenal, find that, with the exception of Samir Nasri, they are kind of a bunch of pussies. Teams that come out to play futból find themselves with some work to do. And Phil Scolari, to his credit, came out to play football. It led to a scintillating first 45, but it also eventually led to the two Arsenal scores.

The other truth is that the win doesn't legitimately put Arsenal back in the title race. If Liverpool win today, the Gunners are again 10 points back and already have two more losses than they did all of last season. And there's a good reason they won't challenge for the title: they are not that good, at least not relative to the title contenders of the recent past. Sometimes explanations really are that obvious.

Arsenal used to run out Thierry Henry and Dennis Bergkamp. Now it's Adebayor and Robin Van Persie. Quality players, but not in the same league. Come on, Niklas Bendtner was Arsenal's late tactical sub Sunday. When your third best striker looks like a lesbian, you're not winning the Prem. I'm no metaphysician, but I'm pretty sure that's an immutable law of the universe. Now, I just have to convince myself that I really believe all of this so that I can have my lowered expectations back.

Teen Wolf - Memorable Quotes [imdb.com]
Arsenal Stun Chelsea {Reuturs UK]

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin.

Frankie Hejduk has been in MLS for nine years. He's done five seasons in Europe four of which were with Bayern Levekusen, including the infamous 1999-2000 campaign when the side needed only a draw against tiny Unterhaching on the last day of the season to win the Bundesliga but lost 2-0 to hand the title to Bayern Munich on goal difference. In 1998, he was the only American on the pitch who played like he gave a shit in a 2-1 World Cup loss to Iran, probably the low-point of US Soccer in recent history. And he was again named to the US World Cup squads in 2002 and 2006, although an injury saw him replaced for the latter.

During all that time he's never really won anything of consequence, save maybe for the Gold Cup. So, Sunday was Hejduk's Jerome Bettis moment as a club player—Hey, Frankie's from Souther California, that's where our game is being played—when the Columbus Crew beat the New York Red Bulls 3-1 in MLS Cup. Oh yeah, yesterday was MLS Cup. I'm sure many of you missed it as it was on opposite of the Raiders—I can't believe I started the Denver defense—but Hejduk even scored the Crew's final goal on a beauty feed from league and finals MVP Guillermo Barros Schelotto in the 82nd minute to put a stake in the Red Bulls. Even better, as the team's captain, Hejduk gets presented with the trophy. Pretty sweet for Sunday.

So during the obligatorily overwrought postgame presentation MLS commissioner Don Garber stands on the stage and says, "And now to accept the trophy it's, of course, your captain Guillermo Barros Schelotto." Okay, that's not even ordinary wrong, but is compounded by the dropping in of an "of course" like it was the most obvious thing in the world. To his credit, ABC's Rob Stone immediately, and somewhat casually interjected, "Or Frankie Hejduk," to make it a little less awkward. But dude, you're the commissioner. You have one responsibility here. Write it on your fucking hand ahead of time if you have to. "Yellow team: Frankie Hey-dook. White team: Wan Pablo An-hell." If you're a particularly sweaty person, then just look for the guy sporting the captain's arm band. It's like they designed it so you can't fuck it up.

It'd be fun to pile on Garber. And pretty easy, too. This is the second (of two) poorly executed trophy presentation he's had this year. There was a contentious spat between the league and players prior to the SuperLiga final when it became known how much of the $1 million in prize money would be going to the players (specifically, very little). After New England beat Houston in a shootout, Revs captain Steve Ralston couldn't get the trophy and get away from Garber fast enough.

But Garber's not alone in fucking up. This wire report of yesterday's match also incorrectly identifies Schelotto the Crew capitán (third paragraph). And the pic above was pilfered from Yahoo (oops, Yahoo!) where it was supplied with the following cutline:

CARSON, CA - NOVEMBER 23: Gino Padula #4 of the Columbus Crew hoists the MLS Cup after defeating the New York Red Bulls at the Home Depot Center during the 2008 MLS Cup on November 23, 2008 in Carson, California.

I know it's pretty easy to confuse an infant human being with an enormous shiny metal cup-shaped trophy—happens all the time—but Padula is the one with the baby on his shoulders. It might seem a little nit-picky, because it is; but a league struggling for respect could do without small embarrassments like this at its marquee event. It's a shame, too, because the match was totally watchable. Both teams created plenty of chances, the outcome was still in doubt until about the 80th minute, and it was a showcase for Schelotto—assisted on all three Crew goals—who doesn't get the exposure he deserves because he plays in Columbus, not to mention MLS.

Yeah, it's still a second rate league, but one where the quality of play is about as good as it can be when teams are limited by a $2.3M salary cap (compare to about $115M and $55M for the NFL and the NBA respectively). It's an up-sloping grade as it is, and for supporters of MLS—of which I am one—it would be just a little easier to make the effort if the commish seemed like he cared enough to know to whom to give his league's trophy. It's not like the guy hasn't been around.

Crew Beats Red Bulls 3-1 In MLS Cup [Associated Press]
Just Something To Keep In Mind When Things Do Go Wrong [Unprofessional Foul]

Co-Matches of the Day...

EPL - Aston Villa vs. Manchester United at 1:00 pm on FSC
Honestly, what more needs to be said about this match between the third and fifth place squads on the EPL table? Martin O'Neill's club has been superb in recent weeks, and now even Sir Alex Ferguson believes that Villa could wind up qualifying for the Champions League by finishing in one of the coveted spots among the top four. Of course to do that the Scotsman will have to unseat one of the big four, but that hardly seems out of the question at this point in the season. Villa is coming off of a dismantling of Arsenal which has left them tied with the Gunners at 23 points, good enough for a top four spot on the table. Sir Alex's side rests just one point clear of today's challengers, and they'll need a superb effort all over the pitch to ensure a victory over an inspired Villa side.

Serie A- Inter Milan vs. Juventus at 2:30 pm on FSC
A win for Juve would vault them into a tie on points with Inter, however the Milanese side would likely remain atop the table based on goal differential (+3 over Juve going into the match). Of course Inter's rivals will have something to say about that on Sunday seeing as how they currently sit between the two age-old rivals. Jose Mourinho is calling it "another match" although the rest of Italy would probably beg to differ. The biggest question for the former Chelsea boss is whether he'll fit a disgruntled Adriano into the starting 11 for Internazionale. Regardless, the Special One will be looking to gain a huge leg up in the arduous Serie A season with three crucial points on the line. And yes, this is one of those Serie A matches that I'll force myself to watch, no matter how much I hate Inter. Sure college football will be on, but every good household should be equipped with a pair of televisions.

Other televised matches of interest...

EPL - Liverpool vs Fulham at 10:00 am on Setanta
Hey Fulham, you're going to lose, so the least you could do is let Deuce Dempsey play more than 20 minutes. Don't forget, we saved your asses in WWII and we kept you out of relegation last year. And that ends this week's installment of The Entitled American.

EPL - Chelsea vs. Newcastle at 10:00 am on FSC
Just win, baby! Oh, and be sure to humiliate the Magpies if you get a chance. Although I do enjoy their beer.

Bundesilga - Bayern Munich vs Energie Cottbus at 11:30 on GolTV
Don't blink or you'll likely miss a lot of balls traveling at high rates of speed past the Energie keeper. Seriously, how has Lukas Podalski not ruptured a net?

La Liga - Real Madrid vs Recreativo at 2:00 pm on GolTV
Another huge mismatch that should be good for the fan of goal scoring. Real is coming off of a bad loss against Valladolid and they've allowed a combined six goals in their past two victories, so to say Bernd Schuster's could use a positive result would be a gross understatement. Regardless, I'm taking it upon myself to set the number of goals scored by Madrid's Dutch internationals at 2 even without the services of Arjen Robben (stupid doctors).

Ligue 1 - PSG vs Lyon at 3:00 pm on Setanta
The Parisians are on fire so they couldn't possibly ask for a better time to face the dominating league champions from Lyon. The French might not have the money and star power of their European brethren, but this match will show that they still put out an impressive product.

La Liga - Sevilla vs Valencia at 4:00 pm on GolTV
Good God, what an awesome match this is going to be. In all honesty it should be amongst the day's featured matches listed above, but if you miss it it's your own damn fault. Pretty much any televised match from La Liga is worth your time, but when you're talking about two top contenders for the league's top four positions you should expect an epic clash. Earlier I mentioned Inter's Adriano, but the his namesake and fellow Brazilian playing for Sevilla is much more fun to watch.

EPL - Manchester City vs Arsenal at 5:00 pm (tape delay) on Setanta
Tape delay? Fuck you, television!

I'm sorry, I take that back. I love you television, with all my heart. If you love me back you'll show me nothing but glorious goals from Robinho and his fellow Citizens, no matter how hard Bertin and Hirshey pray for the opposite.

Enjoy the games and be sure to follow along in the comments as always.

From The Daily Record:

Laursen, Sionko and team mates have risen to the challenge — winning nine of their first 13 games to go one point behind leaders Odense. Copenhagen, known locally as FCK, screen the films at their training ground — although they refuse to reveal who gets to keep them afterwards. Club chairman Flemming Ostergaard said: "As far as I am concerned, there is nothing wrong with it."

So every team meeting is a wild bachelor party; a concept which I have the feeling Mike Singletary might not approve. But my question is, are all of FC Copenhagen's movies sports-themed? And how many of those could there be? Bang the Bum Slowly, The Unnatural, Brian's Dong ... OK, I give up.

FC Copenhagen Reward Players With Adult Films [The Spoiler]

Pujols, a native of the Dominican Republic who grew up in New York and Missouri, has joined the ownership group for the proposed St. Louis MLS franchise. It is one of seven cities jockeying for the selection.

A master plan and design for a $400 million soccer, retail and entertainment complex in Collinsville, Ill. has been completed by the firm of Suttle Mindlin Architects, said Jeff Cooper, an East Alton, Ill. lawyer who is lead investor. It will include 14 fields for use by area youth and school teams. Collinsville is a collar community for St. Louis, just on the east side of the Mississippi River. As MLS soccer-specific stadiums go, Cooper said the Collinsville site is closer to the downtown area than most.

"We are eight miles and eight minutes, all highway from downtown St. Louis," Cooper said. "You can stand on the ground at our site and you have a beautiful view of downtown and the Arch. It is as an easy place to get to.

Good to see someone is adding jobs these days. I thought the MLS was in trouble when it moved the San Jose Earthquakes to Houston; if you can't have a viable pro soccer franchise in San Jose, there's no real hope for expansion anywhere. But then all became right with the world when a brand new Earthquakes showed up in San Jose this year. From what I understand soccer is big in St. Louis, so best of luck, and please no mooning.

Pujols Hopes To Bring MLS To St. Louis [MLS.com]

“This is a strategy that (Catania coach Walter) Zenga tries continually in training,” the club’s chief executive Pietro Lo Monaco told RAI state radio yesterday. But former referees coordinator Paolo Casarin called the move “unsportsmanlike and in bad taste." Lo Monaco responded: “A trick? I wouldn’t say so. It’s up to the re­fe­ree to decide if it should be pena­lised, otherwise I don’t see where the problem is … Good taste is relative.”

Email I just got from the 49ers: "Mike Singletary is intrigued by this tactic and would appreciate any further information."

Serie A Team Score By Dropping Their Shorts [The Spoiler]

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin.

During last night's 60 Minutes interview Steve Kroft threw out enough softballs to Barack Obama to make them both lesbians. I don't have a problem with this. Dude's life is about to get miserable, so ask him about daughters and dogs. Just don't ask him about college football. Apparently this is some sort of political transgression that causes massive hyperbole in otherwise reasonable people.

But what's the point of being the most powerful man in the world if you can't do something completely self-indulgent? Isn't this the primary reason why any sane person would want to be president? When I'm in charge, all traffic lights in America start blinking at 11 pm. That's Day 1. So Obama is going to throw his weight around to get a college football playoff. Excellent. But if Mr, President-elect is going to toss around that 185 pounds to fix things, then throw it all around and fix everything. Make college football more like soccer. No, that's not a joke.

First, make it a single table. All 120 teams. Play everyone once. Okay, that would be stupid, and two-plus years to navigate one season isn't very practical. But each of the major conferences should be 12 teams in one division. This isn't that big of a deal. The Pac 10, Big 10, and Big East are already like this. It's the 12-team conferences that are screwy with their split divisions and unbalanced schedules. Unsplit and balance them. Twelve teams. One division, play everyone once. No non-conference games. Really. Akron, Marshall, Fresno State, Cal Poly; Florida Atlantic, UTEP, Rice, Arkansas; Appalachian State, Troy, North Texas, Tulane. Those are the non-conference games of Wisconsin, Texas, and LSU respectively. Entering the season, maybe one of those games was decent on paper if Arkansas didn't suck so badly. For every OSU v. USC there are 10 shitty games that serve only to separate alumni from their money. Get rid of them.

Second: Ties, ties, ties. As it is now, college football overtime is essentially a random outcome generator. It's exciting, but it has almost nothing to do with the game of football. Plus, whoever decided that a tie wasn't a perfectly acceptable result? One of the greatest games ever played ended in a tie. And Nebraska might have cost themselves a National Championship by not taking the tie. Sure, you play to win the game, but sometimes you don't. It's not like kissing your sister. That's incest and that's fucking gross. Ties are more like winning $1 on a scratch-off ticket, but losing three hours of your life in the process.

Third, and most importantly, introduce relegation into American sports. Word is, Mr. President-elect, that you're a West Ham fan. So I'm guessing you're familiar with the concept of relegation, if not you will be soon. West Ham is so screwed right now that the FA wouldn't even let them be nice to cancer patients. And that's the least of their problems.

Anyway, for the non-soccer fans, relegation is the mechanism by which bad teams get dropped to a lower league. In baseball, it would be like taking the Royals and punishing them for being so inept by making them a AAA club. There is already a de facto hierarchy in college football. Just by distinguishing between BCS and non-BCS conferences, the college presidents have created haves and have-lesses. So just make it formal. Pair up each of the BCS conferences with a partner non-BCS conference: the Big 10 and the MAC; the Big-12 and CUSA, the Pac-10 and the WAC, etc. At the end of each season, the worst team in the "BCS" conference get relegated down to it's non-BCS partner, where the best team in the latter gets promoted to the former. Soccer fans already know that the fight at the bottom of the table is every bit as awesome as the one at the top. For the first time since the inception of the Big 12, Baylor can now play meaningful football in November.

Finally, allot teams to the playoff based on the strength of the conference. The top leagues in England, Spain, Italy, they qualify four teams into the Champions League. Latvia sends one. Why? Because it's Latvia. The best Latvian team would struggle to be competitive in the EPL, Serie A, or La Liga. Similarly, Cincinnati, as the clubhouse leader in the Big East, they wouldn't finish better than 5th in the Big 12th South this season. In fact, the Big East should probably be dissolved as a football conference, and those teams redistributed. It actually makes this whole thing easier. That leaves you with five major conferences (Big 12, Big 10, Pac 10, ACC, SEC) with 12 teams, and five partner conferences (CUSA, MWC, MAC, WAC, Sun Belt) with 12 teams. That's 120. And that's the current number of FBS teams. Elegance is more important than the Big East.

Sure, there are issues to be worked out—how do you rank the conferences if there are no inter-conference games, how do you shoehorn a 6-win Notre Dame team into the playoff, how do you make up the loss of revenue from the 12th game, etc.—but that's what smart people are for.

Other televised matches of interest...

EPL - Everton vs Middlesbrough at 8:25 pm on Setanta
It's okay if you're still sleeping.

Serie A - AC Milan vs. Chievo at 9:00 am on FSC
The snooze button is your friend.

EPL - Hull City vs. Manchester City at 11:00 am on FSC
WAKE THE FUCK UP! Hull City is great to watch, and Robinho is amazing, even if everything else is a bit fucked up right now for the Citizens.

La Liga - Malaga vs Villareal at 11:00 am on GolTV
Not enjoying the endless NFL pregame nonsense? Watch La Liga and put Terry Bradshaw out of your mind for good.

Serie A - Roma vs. Lazio at 2:30 on FSC
Nap time.

Ligue 1 - Lyon vs Bordeaux at 02:55 pm on Setanta
Two of the top four in France, so it should be pretty good.

La Liga - Recreativo vs. Barcelona at 3:00 pm on GolTV
Seriously, watch more Spaniards. Even if the country tends to be a bit unabashedly racist.

Enjoy the games, and as always, follow along in the comments.

Other Televised Matches of Interest

EPL - Bolton vs Liverpool at 7:40 am on Setanta
EPL - Man Utd vs Stoke City at 10:00 am on Setanta
Bundesliga - Bor. M'gladbach vs. Bayern Munich at 11:30 on GolTV
EPL - West Brom vs. Chelsea at 12:30 pm on FSC
La Liga - Valladolid vs Real Madrid at 2:00 pm on GolTV
Serie A - Palermo vs. Inter Milan at 2:30 on FSC
Ligue 1 - Lille vs St Etienne at 2:55 pm on Setanta
EPL - Newcastle vs. Wigan at 4:30 on FSC
EPL - Fulham vs Tottenham (Same Day Coverage) at 6:45 pm on Setanta

This unknown player for one of Turkey's national soccer teams (its World Cup roster lists Semih Şentürk, 25, a striker, as No. 9) can't be worried about FIFA politics; he's involved in his own organizational dispute. At any rate, The 2010 World Cup in South Africa is rapidly approaching. Adjust your schedules accordingly.

Meanwhile, some are saying that the election of Barack Obama could mean that the U.S. is on the fast track to play host to the 2018 or 2022 World Cup. Why are people ignoring the significant fact that Obama is our first soccer-playin' President? Well, in modern times, anyway.

Allen was drinking with 15 fellow Stoke fans outside Reebok Stadium after the game with the Bolton Wanderers on August 16, when the following ensued:.

A police officer took a can off Allen and asked the group to move on, but Allen became abusive. Mark France, prosecuting, told the court that Allen struck the horse and ran off, but was arrested by other horses police officers. On Friday he pleaded guilty to causing harassment, alarm and distress.

Sentence? Banned from attending soccer games for three years, fined £200, must pay £100 court costs and a £15 victim surcharge. I assume that goes to the horse.

Of course his ultimate punishment will not be handed down until Dee Mirich convenes the Star Chamber.

Ban For Football Fan Who Hit Horse [The Bolton News]

Norris made the gesture in a show of solidarity for former Plymouth goalkeeper Luke McCormick, who was sentenced to seven years in prison for the drunk driving deaths of two children. Norris is a former teammate of McCormick's. The gesture has gone over wonderfully in Great Britain as one might imagine.

Amanda Peak, who lost her two sons Arron, 10, and eight-year-old Ben, when McCormick, who was drunk and jet-lagged, fell asleep at the wheel and collided with the Peaks' car on the M6, has called on Ipswich to ban the midfielder.

"I'm disgusted," she told the Daily Mirror. "To celebrate a goal like this is disrespectful to me and my husband and my boys. He should be given a ban. Norris is doing this in front of thousands of supporters including children, and sending out the wrong message that we can drink and it is OK to kill someone."

What makes the gesture an even more overflowing bowl of wrong is that McCormick apparently got smashed while celebrating all night at Norris' wedding. The Football Association confirmed today that Norris has some extensive 'splainin' to do, and may be suspended. And while they're at it, perhaps they can ask Everton's Tim Cahill, who is McCormick's younger brother, about this.

Anger Over 'Handcuff' Celebration [Sky.com]
Family Of Killed Boys 'Disgusted' Over Norris Goal Celebration [The Guardian]

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin.

There's only one person to blame for ruining Arsenal's 2-1 victory over United on Saturday: Wolfgang Puck. The catering arm of his food empire served the conference I was at last Thursday, the pains in my stomach a couple of hours after lunch blossomed into a wonderful case of full blown food poisoning sometime while I should have been asleep. I don't know if you've ever had serious food poisoning. I hadn't. I always thought it was just a euphemism for "pussy." No. Well into day three, I wanted someone to kill me just so I could get some sleep. I involuntarily tried to do it myself by not eating. Even water tasted funny. The one thing you need to survive, because you're body is dehydrating, and it tastes fucking weird. How is that possible? It's water. It's refreshing. So instead of being at a local, with my mouth under an open tap so I could make lifelong friends with complete strangers, I had the shakes, the chills—underrated band, by the way—the sweats, cycling fevers, a space heater, and, thankfully, a pretty good pirated stream of the match coming from Greece. I also had the run to the bathroom down to about seven steps. No Linda Cohn, no figs, just the exploding diarrhea.

That's where I was when Samir Nasri scored the Gunners' first goal in the 22nd minute. And that's where I was when Nasri scored his second goal in the 48th. For something that was going so well, this was kind of going shitty. I did get to see Rafael do the seemingly inevitable and turn the six fucking minutes of stoppage time—an amount that can only be described as Tratfordian—into a marathon of anxiety. I swear to God, I've worked off a large chunk of my stint in purgatory just having to watch the closing minutes of Arsenal matches this season; and I don't even believe in God. I did consider running to the toilet just to see if I could cause Nasri to score again, but hey, apparently I'm in this for the masochism.

After the final whistle, I did the only reasonable thing. I went and dry heaved. I don't know if it was from the tainted chicken or from the stress of watching Wenger again make time-wasting substitutions that were destined to backfire and almost did when Kolo Toure opted yet again not take the ball to the corner flag to kill some clock.

Happy as I was that Arsenal hung on, kind of bummed I was so sick. Not because I couldn't enjoy the match—and it was fucking excellent fútbol from both sides—but because I couldn't enjoy it with other people. Doesn't matter if it's with strangers at kick off—and I'll be the first to admit that a disproportionate number of American Arsenal fans have a "He was such a quiet neighbor" look about them—watching sports is a little like sex. It's a lot less satisfying when you do it alone.

For all the positives to take away as an Arsenal fan—shit, we beat United with Nicklas Bendtner as our only healthy striker—the best harbinger out of this might actually belong to United. In fact the Mancs should be ecstatic about the loss (and this little bit of tid is just for commenter Wandering Bear). This is only the third time under Fergie that United failed to pick up at least one victory in any of its trips to the other three of the so-called Big 4. The previous two times they failed, they won the league.

So, yeah, I'd still put money on it coming down to Chelsea and United for the EPL (suck it, Barclays), but at least a Champions League run seems a little more of a possibility. And I'd trade being club champions of England for being club champions of Europe. Who wouldn't? Save maybe a Tottenham fan, because, well, that option isn't ever available to them (how's the European NIT going, kids?). Hey, I'm still weak. Cheap shots are all I have the strength for.

But the irony wasn't lost on me that food poisoning was fucking up my enjoyment of Arsenal's biggest win since maybe the 2-0 victory at Milan last March. Revenge is a dish best served undercooked.

Arsenal Defeats Manchester United [International Herald Tribune]
Spurs Dealt Devastating Blow by Food Poisoning [Telegraph.co.uk]

Costumed roller derby hot dog mascot.

And he's a vegetarinan hot dog.

From Wasser's Q&A on Fracture:

When and how did you become a derby mascot? Why become a giant veggie hot dog?

A wiener is a phallic symbol, and I appreciate the irony of putting wiener into a female sport. Also I'm an ethical vegetarian, and I want to show that veggie dogs can have some attitude.

There are drawbacks, however. Being a veggie dog, Wasser is often the subject of vicious pummelings by the meat-eating roller derby public. Witness one such incident:

And now just because we're on the subject, here's a pretty awesome roller derby takedown. "Is she alright?"

Here's to you, Dave. No matter what the world throws at me from here on out, I will survive it. Because my spirit will never fail to be uplifted by the thought of you at home, watching an old Detroit Cougars vs. Washington Whips game while in your hot dog suit.

Hotrod Dog [Fracture]

Salma Hayek got a good priice for David Beckham, compared to what MLS paid for the British soccer star. All Selma's waiting for now is Becks to come through with a soccerball juggling lesson she paid for during a charity auction. One problem, Beckham has left for Europe, and nobody knows if he's ever coming back.

Last February, the star of Frida, Desperado, and Having an Enormous Rack, bid over $350,000 — beating out Vogue editor Anna Wintour — at a charity auction in New York City for the Raising Malawi nonprofit (co-founded by Madonna) for a one-hour ball training session with Becks (that can mean oh so many things, can’t it?). Sadly, her people, A-Rod’s people, and David’s people just can’t seem to get on the same page for a time…to give her ball training.[...]

With Becks off to Milan in the winter, Salma Hayek may have to wait even longer for this sexplosion of footy to take place. On the same token, you know there is no way that Becks ain’t returning to MLS with that waiting for him.

This is what happens when you rely on British men for anything. Madonna should have fully disclosed that going into the auction.

Salma Hayel Waiting For Becks [Dirty Tackle]

Other televised matches of interest...

EPL - West Ham vs Everton at 10 am on Setanta

EPL - Sunderland vs. Portsmouth at 10 am on FSC

Bundesliga - Hamburger vs Borussia Dortmund at 11:30 on GolTV

EPL - Liverpool vs. West Brom at 12:30 on FSC

La Liga - Real Madrid vs Malaga at 2:00 pm on GolTV

Serie A - Bologna vs. Roma at 2:30 on FSC

La Liga - Barcelona vs Valladolid at 4:00 pm on GolTV

Enjoy the action and follow along in the comment section all day long.

The Fire will meet either the Kansas City Wizards or the Columbus Crew in the final, which I'm sure will be ratings gold for ESPN. Of course if they ignore the game and simply pan the spectators for the duration, that will help.

Fire Changes The Picture [Chicago Tribune]

Think that was bad? Man, you don't want to know what he does when he gets a red card.

Yep, arrested on the field by the riot squad. Hope you're watching, Ocho Cinco.

You're Gonna Yellow Card Me? You Betta Recognize [Deuce Of Davenport]

The good news is that Hagan was treated by medics at the scene and is going to be OK. The bad news is that the incident sparked riots between Catholics and Protestants in Belfast. Which is odd, because those two groups are usually reluctant to cause a disturbance.

Pictured: The Dramatic Moment A Footballer Is Hit By A Rocket Fired By Opposition Supporters [Daily Mail]
Player Struck By Rocket During Match [SportsbyBrooks]

As you can imagine, American soccer games from the 1970s are not that easy to come by. Most matches weren't broadcast on television and even if they were, TiVo hadn't been invented yet. There was a bizarre technology known as "video cassettes," however, and Dave is on a never-ending quest to hunt them down. Welcome to your future, MLS fans.

When the league offices shut down in 1985, someone from the office called around to various players and coaches saying, "We've got these tapes of the games you were in, do you want them." The problem was that they were on 3/4" tape. Your standard home VCR is 1/2" tape. People had footage of themselves they had literally never seen because they didn't have the equipment. So, a decade later, as Wasser is following the league tracks, he's telling people, "I can play those tapes, do you want me to copy them for you?"

He currently has about 300 of the league's 1,000 or so matches and keeps a record of them on his website. He also collects U.S. National Team games and has so many that when US Soccer needs old game footage, they call him. This is truly a pursuit worthy of only the most obsessive sports fans, and even though Dave understands that his task will never truly be completed, he soldiers on, desperate to find footage of that classic 1978 Minnesota-New York playoff series. (Who could forget that?)

Oh, and it doesn't help that there is one league official who actively obstructs Dave's hobby, by controlling the rights to his team's games, but refusing to let his tapes be copied for any reason. That's right—it's Elliot Hoffman, former owner of ... the Philadelphia Fury.

Why Yes, He Does Have a Copy of the Tulsa Roughnecks v. the Edmonton Drillers [Unprofessional Foul]
Historic Soccer Videotapes [DaveBrett.com]

We told you yesterday about Maradona being named as head coach of the Argentine National soccer team, despite the fact that he has very little coaching experience. Briefly mentioned in the linked article was the Church of Maradona, which I thought was a joke, quite frankly. But evidently it's real. And as you can see, it's members are not at all insane.

Church members celebrate Maradona's 48th birthday in the video, which they refer to as the year D.D. 48 ("Despues," or "After" Diego). Included in the procession is an oversized rosary — sorry, goalary — which includes 34 beads, the number of goals Maradona scored for Argentina.

Founded 10 years ago by a group of friends in Rosario, a port city to the north of Buenos Aires, it has swelled to more than 120,000 members. Dozens of more members were "baptized" on Wednesday by slamming a football with their hand, in homage to the "Hand of God" goal Maradona scored against England in the 1986 World Cup.

If you want to be absolved of your many sins, why not spend an afternoon at the Church of Maradona? No way your indiscretions can be worse than those of Maradona himself, who burns through wives, booze and cocaine faster than just about any patron saint you can name. Well, except for Saint Andrew (shown here holding invisible doobie).

The Church Of Maradona [CNN]
Diego Maradona's 48th Birthday Celebrated By Church of Maradona [Telegraph.co.uk]

Of course it was Maradona who helped usher in Argentina's string of World Cup futility when he was sent home from the 1994 competition after failing a drug test. He retired in 1997.

After retiring 11 years ago, Maradona has remained in the spotlight primarily as the country’s leading real-life soap opera star, waging a series of well-publicized battles with drugs, obesity, the news media and past lovers. Now, the hopes and dreams of 40 million soccer-mad Argentines will rest on the shoulders — much-slimmed after a stomach-stapling operation in 2005 — of a man who, in the words of the local newspaper columnist Horacio Pagani, will be “the least prepared manager in the history of international soccer.”

Maradona was not fully vetted, as they say. His coaching experience includes running two teams, Mandiyú of Corrientes in 1994 and Racing Club in 1995, "without much success." Also on his resume: Became addicted to cocaine in 1983; major heart attack due to cocaine overdose in 2004; gastric bypass surgery in 2005; treatment for hepatitis and effects of alcohol abuse in 2007. He became friends with Fidel Castro while in treatment in Cuba (has portrait of Castro tattooed on left leg), and is also a supporter of Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez.

Fun Maradona quote: "I hate everything that comes from the United States. I hate it with all my strength."

Maradona takes over the national team in December, at which time members of The Church of Maradona can get down to their serious praying. Seriously guys, you're going to have your hands full for the next two years.

An Earthly Realm For A Soccer God [New York Times]

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin

So I was Superman for Halloween. And, once in costume, I had this great idea, I would start flying from east to west really, really fast. That would reverse the spin of the Earth and time would start moving backwards. I'd go until Wednesday—right about the 86th minute of the Arsenal v. Tottenham match where Setanta showed Harry Redknapp sunk into his chair as he looked at the clock and the scoreboard and realized he'd just inherited the captaincy of the Andrea Doria—and warn Arsene Wenger of the collapse equally spectacular and improbable about to befall the Gunners. He'd make the necessary defensive adjustments, the natural order would be maintained and, most importantly, I wouldn't have had a good third of my soul permanently crushed (it's okay, wasn't using it anyway). There was just one tiny flaw with the plan.

Once at the Emirates, how was I going to get near enough to Wenger without security thinking I was a crazy person in Underoos shouting nonesense to a genius (or "genius") trying to methodically kill off the dying moments of an unblowable 4-2 89th minute lead?

Fuck me. I wasn't even Superman. I was Zero. And Zero can't go back in time. Zero can't do shit. I'd almost wished I were a Phillies fan on Wednesday if only so I could find out if it's possible to go from the absolute bottom of sports fandom to the peak in about eight hours time, or if those two things even out and leave you in some agreeable middle, like you're on Paxil.

As bad as Wednesday's collapse was, I couldn't tell you if Arsenal's Saturday loss to Stoke was worse because, well, I slept through it. First, uh, it was the morning after Halloween. Second, there was no need. Arsenal couldn't possibly drop more points to a team that earned promotion this season. Have I said, "Fuck me" yet? I'm going to go ahead and guess that it was indeed worse. At half Saturday, the Gunners had 72% of the possession and were still trailing because they couldn't defend a fucking throw in. At least Arsenal hung on to a point against Spurs.

It's not all bad. The Gunners are top of a table, just not the one you want to be leading (I wonder what the tie breaker with West Ham is). Also impressive is Wenger going from "maybe they can win the league" to "maybe he's no longer the right manager" in just one week. That's got to be some kind of a record.

Looking at the actual table it seems like order is already in place. After 11 matches the so-called Big 4 are sitting top four. But at some point, it's no longer "still early" and you know what your team is. Arsenal isn't competing for the title this year, they'll have to fight to hang on to a Champions League spot. The backline is shit and, until Saturday, they'd been captained by a crazy person. Probably knew that in August. Can't deny it anymore in November. And out of a possible 12 points to bottom-halfers and recently-promoted Tottenham, Fulham, Stoke, and Hull, the Gunners salvaged a single point. You can't do that and challenge for the league.

I'm pretty sure that was one of the points I was making last week and Liverpool fans got their panties in a wad (a couple of them anyway). Then the Reds went out lost to a side currently occupying a relegation spot and promptly fell out of first (but hey, midweek you lowered the bar for leaving it late until only the 73rd minute... Bwa ha ha, God, it's almost too easy). Yeah, there is still a long way to go. And Liverpool is only in second on goal difference but you don't get those points back, and with one exception Chelsea is cruising against the lesser sides and, with Ronaldo back healthy, United is methodically moving up the table.

At least I know what the future probably looks like. It's a three team race for the league. Not only is yours (that is, mine) not one of them, it'll take some doing just to live up to the "Thirdsenal" moniker earned in the current trophyless streak going on in North London. And even with a few other cups still there for the taking, without a serious righting—hey, the Stockholm, while scathed, didn't sink—and quick, it might be another season where Arsenal wins zero.

My Hero, Zero [YouTube]
Altidore Scores His First Goal for Villarreal[New York Times]

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin.

Liverpool fans must still be over the fucking moon today. A 1-0 win over Chelsea, giving their 86 game home winning streak the, well, 86, and moving atop the table. And I'm not not going to pee on the Reds' parade. I should if only because that's one of about three skills I have. That and parades are intrinsically pretty gay. I mean, It's not like there's a Gay Pride Bullfight or anything. But just shy of the quarter pole, Liverpool are three points clear (I couldn't find a news story indicating whose house the fans robbed to celebrate but the safe money is on Xabi Alonso's). Just one quick caveat, though.

It's not success against the rest of the Big 4 that really matters. Sure it helps. And with wins over United and Chelsea (and both without Fernando Torres) Scousers probably feel like they've finally appeased the soccer gods since selling their souls in Istanbul three years ago; but just two seasons back my beloved Gunners were 3-1-2 in league matches against Chelsea, Liverpool, and Man U, and still finished fourth, something like 20 points out of the title. Losing at Sheffield United will do that. Hey, the gods can be cruel.

And Liverpool has already flirted with similar disasters a couple of times the season. The Guardian last week had a stat saying something like if matches were 76 minutes long, Liverpool would be on 7 points. Or in 16th or 17th place. I don't remember exactly, other than there were a few sixes and sevens in it.

Oops, I'm peeing aren't I? Look, I've got no problem with Liverpool. I don't live near there, so I'm not likely to be burgled. It's just that almost every time they play Chelsea it's fucking boring. Like eyebleedingly so. From the start of the '06-'07 season, the teams have played each other nine times in the Premier League and Champions League. Between them, they've managed to rack up a total of 15 goals in those nine matches, and five of those—a full third—came in last year's Champions League return leg at Stamford Bridge. That's 10 goals in the other eight matches. Maths!

I'm the first to argue that goals don't equal excitement because, well, they don't—shit Hull and West Brom played a scoreless first half Saturday that was like watching the Showtime Lakers play the Showtime Lakers on grass—but after Xabi Alonso's shot deflected in for Liverpool after about 10 minutes, Cole misfired wide left, Deco went high, as did Gerrard, and Alonso hit the post from a dead ball.

That was a collective, what, six seconds of excitement. The only other entertainment value in the remaining 80 minutes came from trying to translate the string of obscenities from the front row Chelsea fans out of the Queen's English every time the ref made any call, good or bad. I see "fucking cunt" is still extraordinarily popular in England (also, how the hell did Mascherano draw a yellow when Ashley Cole should have been sent off?). Last season, I hoodwinked three girls to come with me to watch these same teams play. Two of them don't talk to me anymore. Granted I told them they might meet cute Euro boys but neglected to tell them that "cute" meant "doughy" and "Euro" meant "drunk" but the 0-0 draw didn't help.

So yeah, matches aren't 76 minutes long and you can't luck your way to the top of the table after nine games (although third might be possible). There's still a long way to go, but if not Arsenal, then sure, why can't them. I've got no problem if Liverpool wins the EPL (suck it, Barcalys) once every 17 years. But please, just stop playing Chelsea. Split the points, divvy up two draws, or even a win apiece. Share the gate and take those weekends off—more time to masturbate! Anything. Because come the end of next January, I'm going to fall for it again—20-someodd world class players (not you, Anelka), the league top spot possibly for the taking, what could possibli go wrong—when I should just stay in bed and sleep.

The Fucking Moon [YouTube.com]
Liverpool Show They Mean Business [Goal.com]
Goal of the Week: Kieran Richardson [101 Great Goals]

Match of the Week

EPL Chelsea vs. Liverpool at 9:30 on Setanta
The Scousers have never managed so much as a single goal at Stamford Bridge during league play under Rafa Benitez, and with Torres injurd it seems highly unlikely that Liverpool will earn a point, much less three. Of course Chelsea is somewhat depleted in their own right. Ballack, Drogba, and Joe Cole join Michael Essien in the spectators booth. However Carvalho will return to the lineup to form an dominating back line in front of Petr Cech.

Other Televised Matches of Potential Interest

Serie A - Atalanta vs. AC Milan at 10:00 am on FSC
Why aren't you watching Chelsea?

EPL - West Ham vs. Arsenal at 12:00 pm on FSC
Watch the Gunners attempt to claw back within a point of mighty Hull City.

La Liga - Recreativo Huelva vs. Valencia at 12:00 pm on GolTV
Honestly, it's better than the FOX pregame show.

EPL - Portsmouth vs. Fulham at 1:00 pm on Setanta
Pompey will play for the first time since losing their manager Harry Redknapp to the woefully underachieving Spurs.

La Liga - Villarreal vs. Atletico Madrid at 2:00 pm on GolTV
Will Jozy suit up? Probably not, but hey, enjoy the stylings of Sergio Aguero.

Serie A - Palermo vs. Fiorentina at 3:30 pm on FSC
How do you say "fuck no" in Italian?

La Liga - Real Madrid vs. Atletico Bilbao at 4:00 pm on GolTV
Real is poised to move back towards the top of the table and Bilbao can't score for shit.

Ligue 1 - Marseilles vs. PSG at 4:00 pm on Setanta
The French aren't all bad. Except for Paris. They suck.

EPL - Chelsea vs. Liverpool at 6:00 pm (same day tape) on Setanta
Just in case you missed it the first time around.

Enjoy your day, and so help me god if I see a spoiler for this Chelsea match before I can watch it on the DVR I'll bury the lot of you in a shallow grave.

Match of the Day
EPL- Everton vs. Manchester United at 7:00 am on Setanta
The Red Devils are really coming together, especially up front with Rooney and Berbatov. They'll be joined by Patrice Evra and Rio Ferdinand who return from injuries against a struggling Everton side. The Toffees have been extra crappy in their own home park, a trend they'll be hard-pressed to break this morning.

Other Matches That Could Be of Potential Interest to Some

EPL- West Bromwich Albion vs. Hull City at 10:00 am on FSC
If Hull City picks up these three points there's an excellent chance they're going to be tied with Liverpool for second place tomorrow afternoon.

Bundesliga - Bayern Munich vs Wolfsburg at 11:30 am on GolTV
Klinsmann's side looked pretty impressive in their midweek Champions League win. Next stop: Conquering the Bundesliga...then on to Poland.

EPL - Blackburn Rovers vs. Middlesbrough at 12:30 on FSC
It's an all-out battle for mediocrity!

La Liga - Osasuna vs Real Betis at 2 pm on GolTV
No.

Serie A - Juventus vs. Torino at 2:30 on FSC
The Juventus edition of the Air Max '95 was selling for $275 in LA. Is that a potential write-off?

Ligue 1 - Toulouse vs Monaco at 3 pm on Setanta
Monaco may suck, but hey, that's FREDDY ADU!

La Liga - Barcelona vs Almeria at 4 pm on GolTV
Barca is always worth watching if you have some free time.

Serie A - Siena vs. Catania at 4:30 pm on GolTV
Fuck no.

There you go, enjoy the soccer and follow along with the fun in the comment section. Especially if you're drunk and your team is losing. Or about to lose, like Liverpool.

From NewsChannel 11 in Lubbock:

Investigators tell NewsChannel 11 that Burke got into a fight with the female coach of his child's soccer team. The soccer association tells us the children playing at the time were between seven and eight years old. Apparently, the coach's husband tried to stop Burke from yelling at his wife, and that's when the two men got into an argument in the stands. The police report states that the victim pushed Burke, and then Burke pulled a handgun and pointed it at the victim's head. Police say an off-duty prison guard tackled Burke, and got the gun away from him.

Us Unprofessional Foul pointed out, Burke was possibly inspired by Melanie Hain, the Lebanon, Pa., woman who had her handgun permit returned on appeal after wearing her unconcealed Glock 26 to a youth soccer game. Why parents are showing up at children's soccer games heavily armed is unknown; apparently something's up.

Man Pulls Gun At Game, Now Charged With Assault [NewsChannel 11]
Attention: The Touchline Is A Drug-Free Zone. Guns Are Acceptable [Unprofessional Foul]

Cepero was making his MLS debut, and was in the game replacing regular goalkeeper Jon Conway, who had been suspended for testing positive for performance enhancing substances (this happens in soccer?) The free kick — the first goal ever recorded by a goalie in MLS history — eluded Crew goalkeeper Andy Gruenebaum, who, if he'll take my advice, will begin drinking heavily. New York beat the Columbus Crew 3-1.

I'm trying to think of an American football equivalent to this feat, and all I can come up with is this: Terrell Owens catches a 90-yard touchdown pass, quietly hands the ball to the ref and doesn't say a word about it.

Cepero Makes Historic Debut For New York [New York Red Bulls]

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin.

The league is over. I'm not so sure I believe it, but it's fun to make mildly outrageous predictions just over a fifth the way through the season. It's also really easy. Watch: "Chelsea have won the league." Piece of poundcake. Plus, if I'm wrong, I can write it off to one of those stupidly hyperbolic yet consequence-less claims sportswriters make. Those extension courses at the Mariotti School of Journalism and Sexual Orientation have to pay off somehow. And I'm not going gay.

Chelsea stand on 20 points after 8 matches. At that clip they would equal their '04'-05 record setting point-total of 95. Two things: 1) Small sample size B) Aren't Liverpool also on 20 points? Yes and yes. In fact both teams have faced Manchester United at home with Liverpool taking three points, to the Blues' draw. So advantage Liverpool, right?

Silly rabbit. Of Liverpool's six wins, four have come with the Reds enjoying a man advantage by the final whistle. Four! Shit, even I only thought it was three before I went back to look it up. It is a little misleading as Everton were already beaten when Tim Cahill got a straight red late in the second half—and really, Cahill can't get carded enough—and Vidic's sending off for United came in the 90th minute of a match that Liverpool had in hand. But, in the last two league tilts, six points have turned in Liverpool's favor on cards. Against Man City, they were down 2-1 when Pablo Zabaleta got sent off in the 67th. They won 3-2. Saturday against Wigan, they were also down 2-1 when Antonio Valencia got his second yellow in about five minutes. Final also 3-2.

Lucky? Wigan manager Steve Bruce has every right to bitch about Valencia's first card. And Kuyt's game winner bounced off a defender, the keeper, the crossbar and right the post before deflecting in across the line but, even with the breaks, Liverpool did put the goals in net to get the points.

Still, in a 38-game season it's better to be good than lucky because after eight games it's not so much the 20 points in the standings as it is the plus-16 goal difference for Chelsea. Every season but one this century the team with the best GD at the end won the league—the exception being '02-'03 when Arsenal was +43 and runner-up to United at +40—and Chelsea already has a relatively comfy six GD cushion over the Gunners at plus-10. (And note to Hull: only one team, '04-'05 Everton, has cracked the top 4 with a 0-or-worse GD in recent history, so enjoy your D-Backs-esque run in the top 4 while you can... or starting scoring more).

The plus-16 might seem skewed given Chelsea's 5-0 Saturday thrashing of Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem but given the Blues' 4077th status the result is actually even more impressive. Entering the weekend, their injured players—11 of them—could not only field a full team but one capable of winning the Champions League, assuming it didn't go to penalty kicks (John Terry was on the list even though he did end up starting). That was a B-team (okay maybe B-plus) Gene Hackman (or here or here) sent out and they still trashed another Premier League side.

Money can't buy you love, but love can't buy you shit, especially not the depth it takes to win in the Prem. So even if Roman Abramovich is taking a £12 billion hit as we collectively spiral toward becoming a global third world, he started out far enough ahead that his football toy is in good shape.

Bad refereeing—and plenty of it though just 8 games has been fucking awful—will even out over the season but injuries will hit everyone at some point, and hard. So depth eventually becomes more important than luck in rescuing points here and there. Yeah, revelatory insight I know. But at least there's only a six day wait for the two parties is question to prove it true on the pitch.

And if I'm wrong? Nothing happens.

Bruce Points Finger at Referee [Independent.co.uk]

Abramovich Plays Down Losses [Foxsports.com]

Match of the Day
River Plate vs. Boca Juniors at 4:30 pm on FSC
Casual fans of the beautiful game are surely familiar with the two Argentinian powerhouses, but aside from Boca's Riquelme they may not be all that familiar with a lot of the players. Let me tell you, it doesn't matter in the least. If you enjoy watching great soccer it's simply a game that cannot be missed. The teams are stocked with plenty of local talent and the atmosphere (see above) at the Buenos Aires derby fairly ridiculous. River Plate hosts this time around, and the most successful club in the nation's history is in desperate need of a win. Sure they've sucked all season, but all it takes to break out of a funk is a date with your arch-rival.

Other Televised Matches of Interest

Hull City vs. West Ham United at 10:00 am Setanta
Hammers! Tigers! It's Sunday morning on Setanta! You know you love it.

Stoke City vs. Tottenham Hotspur at 11:00 am FSC
Okay Spurs, try not to be overwhelmed by Stoke's star power. You might just be able to steal a point here!

Hamburger vs Schalke 04 at 11:00 am on GolTV
Mmm...hamburger. As for Schalke, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't eat it.

Atl. Bilbao vs Barcelona at 1:00 pm GolTV
Not a big NFL fan? Great, watch Barca score a shitton of goals. Barca hasn't been a world-beater in La Liga this year, but they do sport a +11 goal differential, best in Spain's top league.

Roma vs. Inter at 2:30 pm FSC
Will Totti play for Roma? They sure as shit hope he will. Will Materazzi play for Inter? Probably, but he's still a fucking cock.

Match of the Day
Arsenal vs. Everton at 10:00 am on FSC
Okay, so it's not exactly the match of the century, but shit, it sure isn't bad. The Gunners have struggled to find their way at times, yet they clearly have the ability to dominate an Everton side on the right day. Arsenal's midfield is a bit depleted, especially if Cesc Fabregas is limited by the broken nose he suffered mid-week. Their reliance the 21 year-old Spaniard is not to be understated seeing as how he could be considered as an elder statesman of the group loaded with peach-fuzzed teenagers. Even if they do have flashy names like Theo Walcott (stop swooning).

Other Televised Matches of Interest

Middlesbrough vs. Chelsea at 7:30 AM on Setanta
Chelsea will likely need all three points to keep pace atop the EPL, and they should get them, regardless of their injury concerns. Oh, and everybody has to be nice to Ashley Cole this week. He's still a bit traumatized from the booing he received last week while playing for England against mighty Kazakhstan. It's hard enough being called Ashley without everyone hating you so damn much. And really, what has the guy done wrong? I mean aside from throwing a hissy fit at Arsenal over a relatively small amount of money, allowing the Kazakhs to score on mighty England, and fucking around on Cheryl Cole (she's a national treasure you dipshit!). God, he better not fuck things up for Chelsea.

Liverpool vs. Wigan Athletic at 9:45 on Setanta
It shouldn't be too much of a test for the Scousers today, but next week they travel to Madrid for their Champions League match against Atletico and their horribly racist supporters.

Werder Bremen vs Borussia Dortmund at 11:30 on GolTV
I may not use a Krupps coffee pot or drive a BMW, but this Jew is perfectly capable of enjoying some German football. The Bundesliga's balance of power makes for excellent competition week in and week out.

Manchester United vs. West Brom at 12:30 FSC
Can other promoted team knock off another one of the big four? Possibly, but probably not here. Carlos Tevez has bemoaned his lack of scoring touch in recent weeks, but playing alongside guys like Berbatov and Rooney means you don't always have to be on point.

Atletico Mardid vs Real Madrid at 2:00 pm GolTV
Speaking of Atletico, they face a much tougher match in advance of their date with the Liverpudlians. Hopefully their fans can keep the banana waving and monkey hooting while UEFA is reevaluating the club's punishment. Initially the despicable actions of their supporters in a match against Marseille was met with a two-match home ban preventing the club from hosting a match within 200 miles of Madrid. That was recently lifted when Liverpool supporters with accomodations planned in Madrid threw a kinipshin at the news of the match's new venue.

Napoli vs. Juventus at 2:30 pm on FSC
Lyon vs. Lille at 3:00 pm on Setanta
Espanyol vs Villareal at 4:00 pm on GolTV
Aston Villa vs. Portsmouth at 5:00 pm (same day tape) on Setanta

From The Evening Times:

And transport officers armed with dip strips tested liquids carried by fans, which are often disguised in containers not normally used for alcohol. The BTP operation, involving eight police forces, led to 240 gallons of booze being seized from fans. Of this figure, 130 gallons were seized on trains and stations en route to the match.

Only 240 gallons of booze? And you call yourselves Scotsmen?

I kind of feel sorry for the Tartan Army, though: They had to watch a 0-0 match completely sober. And, as The Beautiful Game pointed out, it was a match that included this:

As a 49ers fan, I can relate.

240 Gallons Of Booze Seized From Soccer Fans [The Beautiful Game]

UEFA, the sport’s European governing body, levied its heaviest punishment to date in banning Atletico Madrid from playing at the Vicente Calderon Stadium because of the club’s fans’ racist actions during last month’s match between Atletico and Marseille, of France’s Ligue 1. Monkey chants were aimed at Marseille’s black players, insults were directed toward black journalists inside the press box and the team bus was attacked by Madrid supporters following the match. Atletico Madrid’s coach Javier Aguirre also received a two-game ban for repeatedly swearing at Marseille midfielder Mathieu Valbuena, calling him a “son of a whore.”

The Spanish club was fined 150,000 euros and will have to play games against Liverpool (Oct. 22) and PSV Eindhoven (Nov. 26) at least 300 kilometers outside of Madrid.

Unruly soccer fan behavior is nothing new; it wouldn't be the same sport without a few smoke bombs going off in the stands, and the destruction of an ambulance or three. But this is the first I've ever heard of a sport's governing body levying sanctions specifically due to racism. That's amazing; a damning indictment of a team's suuporters, a region, heck, an entire culture. Kudos to the UEFA for taking a stand; one reason that they call soccer the beautiful game, I suppose.

I just got back from seeing The Express, so as an American I'm not throwing stones. But last I checked, this is the 21st Century. It is, isn't it?

The photo above, by the way, shows Spanish F1 Formula fans mocking driver Lewis Hamilton, who is black, at a race this past February. Jesus. A thing like that makes you long for the enlightened tolerance of the NASCAR circuit.

Atletico Madrid's Home-Game Ban By Uefa For Fans' Racism Causes Uproar In Spain [The Guardian]
The Inquisition, What A Show (Take 2) [Rumors & Rants]

Michael Bertin writes about soccer regularly for Deadspin.

Ashley Cole—that's him in the white—seemingly has plenty going for him. He's relatively young (27), he's got a hot plastic wife, and he gets compensated handsomely to do his job, which is a pretty sweet one as he plays left back for Chelsea FC and, when occasion demands, the English national side. But he's also hated. Probably for the reasons above and probably augmented by things like his throwing a hissyfit when Arsenal offered him only $110,000 a week instead of the $120,000 he demanded; and that he may or may not have an open relationship with his wife where she let's him vomit on strange women for pleasure.

So when a casual pass across the England backline by Cole led to an easy goal for visiting Kazakhstan in Saturday's World Cup qualifier, he got booed. The 5-1 final makes it look like a walkover, but Cole's gaffe cut England's lead to 2-1. If not for a Kazakh own goal and sitter of a missed header the scoreline could have easily been in favor (oops, favour) of the guests at that point. And the English fans, never lacking for appetite when a chance comes to eat one of their own, were relentless. For the next 20 minutes, any time Cole got near the ball, sections of the crowd vocally pelted him. The lack of class and appropriateness was all the English papers, the FA, the coach, and the team talked about after picking up the three points.

Really? The country that unleashed Georges Boy and Michael on an unsuspecting world is going to tell fans what they can and cannot wear then give the rest of us a cultural lecture on civility? Okay, A) Pussies. Seriously, grow up. In true superpowers, reasonable discussions aren't about if someone will be booed, but about how punitive the abuse will actually be. And B) If the current global economic collapse teaches us anything, it's that people have a right, if not a duty, to boo. No, really.

Part of the U.S. Treasury bailout plan had a provision limiting executive compensation for firms that stuck out a hand. Free market worshippers objected in part because limiting price causes shortages. Sure, it looks that way when you draw out the supply and demand curves, but there is a more fundamental problem with markets for CEOs: they don't price in risk, probably because there's not much of it.

Look at Zheng Xiaoyu. He was the Chinese head of their equivalent of the FDA. After bogus drugs and tainted dog food started killing people and pets across the planet, he was killed. Executed by the government. And that's why the Chinese are going to overtake us. They are communists, and they have a better handle on making markets efficient.

Here, you can be to some degree responsible for the evaporation of several hundred million dollars of wealth and almost nothing happens to you (Jeffrey Skilling being the exception that proves the rule). Something should. Hey, want to be CEO of Goldman? Great, you do a bang up job, you're going to get $200M in base and an unlimited supply of gold-plated strippers to give you a continuous rim job if you like. You fail? You're going to have your head cut off and your rib cage used as a planter for an herb garden, then given to your successor as a reminder of what happens when you fuck things up. Safe bet people would have been far more mindful of the mortgages they packaged into CMO's if that were the case.

With the possible exception of Columbia , world fútbol has a similar problem. There's not much downside risk priced into being a player because, well, save for the odd ankle injury (Warning: not safe for the squeamish), there's not much risk there. So as fans, we have an obligation to bring that to the market. I'm not advocating actual death. I'd have a hard time enjoying my hatred of Ashely Cole if he were a corpse, plus, as the Pre-Columbian Americans figured out, it's just bad strategy. What they gained in short-term post-game ratings by killing the losers they gave up pretty quickly by completely draining the athlete talent pool.

I'm not even advocating booing necessarily. It is kind of boorish, and as far as attacking the psychology of an athlete, it's not particularly creative or effective. But the fact is, there's aren't enough repercussions for screwing up. Against any quality opponent, the goal that resulted from Cole's arrogant lob toward his own box is the difference between a win and a loss, getting out of a World Cup group, advancing in the knockout stages, etc.

I'm all for a prissy twit like Cole making £60K a week (if someone is willing to pay it), but he should