Deadspin
OK, so we formally apologize for taking until 10 a.m. today to get to this. It's been a busy morning.
But yes: Eddie Griffin. Ah, Eddie. By now you've certainly heard the news: The Timberwolves center has been nailed with a civil suit claiming he caused a car accident while drunk and masturbating to a porn film. When the arrest was originally made in March, Griffin told the Pioneer Press that the accident happened because "he was reaching for a cell phone that had fallen off his lap." Which is one way to put it.
It's worth noting, by the way, that the accident — and alleged self-fornication — happened in the parking lot of a grocery story at 2:30 in Minneapolis. One would have thought one could be safe self-pleasuring at that time, in that place, in one's vehicle.
But Eddie Griffin forgot one thing.
Griffin Hit With Civil Suit [Pioneer Press]
(UPDATE: WCCO-TV has video of the incident. Yahoo!)
Comments
With the holiday weekend soon upon us, I am glad that we can focus on those fine pieces of Americana..... Baseball Apple Pie Public Masturbation Carl Monday You're with me, America....
I think I speak for all of us when I ask, "Will this have any effect on the shooting schedule for 'Undercover Brother 2: Electric Boogaloo'?
The day getting drunk and jerking off to porn in a supermarket parking lot in the middle of the night is frowned upon is the day I pack my bags and move to Canada.
And its not even my birthday! Thank you, Eddie!
Was the Minnepolis Public Library closed at the time?
It has never been more clear. There is nothing more to do in Minneapolis than picking up hookers on Sex Cruises and jerking off in a parking lot while drunk to porn in your car at a supermarket. Does Minnesota even have a female population?
You would think by the time you're in your mid 20s you'd realize flogging the dolphin is a bad idea while driving. It would be one thing if he was getting some road fun but to have the Mondays in a car what a mess, literally.
Thought "You're with me ...." was officially retired? Kind of like "bling bling" and "2 legit 2 quit." About Griffin, I haven't really read this through to much, but was he driving too? Like watching porn, masterbating, and driving? I mean yeah it's messed up, but damn is that talented! Totally could be the Master of Champions Masterbating while driving Champion! Maybe he could grate some cheese too, or shoot a bow and arrow whilest masterbating.
Wait, you can get in trouble for this? Hmmm...I guess I need new plans for tonight
I didn't know Eddie Griffin was an OSU fan.
Drunk? Check. Watching porno? Check. Masturbating?? Check. Crashing your car and lying about it? Double-Check. The NBA. It's faaaaantastic! I love this game!
And again, how many misguided people are searching for sites containing: porn, masterbation, etc and end up here?
Masturbation is not the issue (dude), at least as far as I'm concerned, but if he was watching it on a TV that is mounted on the steering wheel of his SUV then he go down the river for all I care.
Apparently Eddie has moved on from using his fist to punch out teammates to more personal recreational activities. Thank God there's always PJ Carlesimo to make Seton Hall proud. Oh wait...
Hate it when that happens.
Somehow this makes the whole "shooting at his girlfriend" thing look not so bad
you think you've been busy, this has been my first chance to come up for air. this story makes it all worthwhile...who woulda thunk eddie griffin would get into trouble again?
Man Law? Man Law.
Eddie Griffin was masturbating and driving. Quality. But I heard when JJ pulled that U-turn Dickie V almost gagged.
It's hard to catch an entry pass with hairy palms.
Good thing this wasn't in Ohio. If Mike Cooper's bail was $500K, Eddie's would be about $1 trillion.
How many times has he ignored the advice to "just take it to the hole, Eddie"?
YWML can get old, to be sure. But Carl Monday? He is an immortal. Get away from Eddie Griffin, Carl Monday!
growing up in Minnesota is fairly boring, but you quickly learned that the best way to amuse yourself is to have a Mike Cooper in your car in a grocery store parking lot at night... but boy do we have a lot of lakes, eh?
That is multi-tasking. It goes to show, the NBA offseason is waaay too short.
"Does Minnesota even have a female population?" --Kyle "Yes, at least two" --Fred Smoot
I want to know which porno he was watching. Was it a gangbang? Was it girl-girl? These are the details America needs to know!
How soon until Isiah makes a trade for him?? Maybe the T-Wolves are interested in Mr. Balkman.
That, friends and neighbors, is some serious multi-tasking. Kudos. The story set my Friday off in a delightful direction. That, and MJD's podcast.
Masturbation's pretty understandable in his case. "Later that year [2003], he was charged with felony assault for allegedly beating and shooting a gun at a woman in his Houston home." Hard to keep a good woman around when you're trying to fucking kill her.
Carl Monday is booking the first flight to Philly to get the interview with Eddie's parents. Here comes another Emmy!
Yeah, shooting at your wrist tops shooting at your girlfriend anyday.
I'm gonna go with Eddie Griffin, with the booze and porn, in the parking lot, for the win. YES!
Point for BigRicks
It's nice to see the Minnesota cops looking the other way on the DWI...Maybe JJ should have been drafted by the T'Wolves
Yeah, hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave Cunt", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", and, uh, oh yeah, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Uh-huh... yeah... Oh, wait, and, what was that called again?
Get a boat!
First the Sex Boat, and now the Self-Sex Car.
Hmm... Jerking off while driving, accident, air bag deploys... No wonder he didn't score a point in the next three games.
I heard this story on the radio this morning while I was waking up and I swear the whole time I thought they were talking about Undercover Brother Eddie Griffin. A little disappointed now.
"...he was masturbating himself." That's high comedy. I don't know if that dude's civil rights were violated, but Eddie sure did fuck up his wheels.
Will, send over a bottle of bubbly in a bucket of ice and a card. Have the card read, "Tough luck, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Sh!TShow.
Somewhere in Ohio Carl Monday is eating his cornflakes and reads about Eddie Griffin's excellent adventure, he turns to his wife and with steelly determination and yet a small whiff of sadness, says "Clearly Margaret, my work is not done yet." He clips on his tie and heads out to the white Taurus for another day of cleaning up this great country's vice.
Thank you BigRicks.
I think we've found out what Simmons' moniker is on here - it's Slickbomb.
Man law. Good one, CC. wow, Eddie! WOW!!!
I wonder if eddie's father is a combat vet.
Bunch of savages in this town...
Wait a damned second!!!! They're trying to tell me that cops treaty celebrity atletes different than you and me?? No f-ing way. I don't believe it for one second.
See, this is why I would never get a DVD player in my car. Guys can't resist porn. I'm suprised this stuff doesn't happen more often. Hell, I think Carl Monday needs to do an in-depth study.
Rumor has it Eddie gave Ty Shine a blackeye on an aggresive follow through.
I wonder if deadspin is now higher on the Google search list for 'Minnesota' than Minnesota's Dept of Tourism??
like eddie, i drop my cell phone at LEAST twice a day
Now if only Mark Cuban would be caught for the same crime. Then Deadspin could would go on comment overload.
That's why I get my news from www.clownpenis.fart
mmm...TommyBoy...good one Sh!tshow. Cadillac Escalade...$60,000 In-dash DVD player...$600 Pink and Plentiful Vol. 29...$19.95 Remy Martin Louis XIII $200 Running into another car while watching a porno on your in-dash DVD player at 2:30 a.m. ... Priceless. Your with me, Mastercard.
"WCCO-TV has video of the incident." Is that link NSFW?
There are so many sex freaks in Minnesota: Griffin, Smoot and the rest of the Vikings, Kirby Puckett grabbed that chick's ass, Prince... Mark Madsen must be scared to leave his home.
Clark- you forgot that it would be caught on tape by Carl Monday's hidden camera.
Great, now I have to go search youtube for video of Mark Madsen dancing after the Lakers championship. One more thing to prevent me from getting anything done at work. Thanks Maddog.
You're dead to me internet. What good is the internet if I can't even see Mark Madsen dance on demand. Bastards.
Jakob, i'd love to know where you're buying louis tres for two bills
This honestly made my day. This is what this site is all about. Mike Cooper "checking sports and stuff? Griffin " reaching for my cell and umm stuff". Carl Monday is on the sence. Can you say 31st emmy? Why does poor jobless Cooper get 500k and Griffin nothing for bail???
Did you guys watch that news story? Now that's great television. I thought Will was exaggerating when he linked to "video of the incident." How did this story remain buried for 3 months??
Local news July sweeps started yesterday....so that's why the investigative report is coming out now BigT.....
UM: My bad, went across the wrong line when looking it up.
For a Hummer? You're secret is safe with me Eddie. I wonder how the Mick would have handled this situation???
The best part about this all is that in the video he promises to buy the guy he hit whatever car "in the world" he wants, but "not a Bentley"
To Eddie Griffin: Have a ball Masturbator! Mickey Mantle
Only way it would have been better is if he was playing "Ridin Dirty" by Chamillionaire as he was masturbating himself...while driving...while watching porno.
How does Eddie measure up to the Coop? Can he go left?