$50 million just so happens to be about $30 million more than any NBA team can pay under the salary cap. That sound you just heard is the NBA brass trying to figure out if they need some sort of superstar carve out in the salary cap structure. Either that or getting a capless division set up in Europe. But surely, LeBron's just bluffing, right?

Maybe. But according to ESPN.com, there have already been contacts between LeBron and at least two European teams.

The Russian team CSKA Moscow and the Greek team Olympiacos, which recently gave Josh Childress a contract approaching $30 million over three years, have already contacted James, according to the person close to him. The person added, however, that no monetary or contractual discussions have taken place.

LeBron's contract doesn't run out until 2009-2010, and up until now there's been mostly speculation about which American city he'll leave Cleveland for. But LeBron considers himself a global icon and nothing would increase the Q-rating better than going overseas, making more money, and then coming back to America. He's got time on his side. LeBron won't even be 30 until December 30, 2014. And with the way the dollar is plummeting against the Euro, by 2010, $50 million may be well within reach.

Source: LeBron would consider European offer of $50M a year or more [ESPN.com]

To Stern's relief, undoubtedly, no major stars have fled across the pond (with all apologies to Josh Childress and his afro), but that might not be the case in a couple of years.

SI.com's Ian Thomsen penned an interesting (if wildly speculative) column yesterday about Olympiakos of Athens, the same Greek team that recently snatched up Childress, possibly offering LeBron James an insane amount of money when he's a free agent in the summer of 2010.

Here's the buzz I heard Friday: Olympiakos is considering a run at LeBron James when he becomes a free agent in the summer of 2010.

As a free agent in 2010, his new contract in the NBA would start at less than $20 million annually. What if Olympiakos were to offer him $40 million per year? Or $50 million? Who knows how much the Greeks would be willing to pay? The point is that the limitation on his salary is entirely up to them.

The column is thick on speculation; even Mr. Thomsen admits as much. But the idea is not as far-fetched as you may think. After all, one of LeBron's stated goals in life is to become the first billionaire athlete.

Based on the fact alone that he'll never be able to make that kind of money in the NBA (at least not in one season), LBJ and his reps have to at least consider this, don't they?

Greek team may make $eriou$ run at LeBron after 2010 season [SI.com]

Forget New York. What About Europe? [WaitingForNextYear]

Actually to a committee dedicated to electing Obama since personal contributions are capped at $2,300 per election. Early in his career as pitchman for the Gods, Michael Jordan remarked, "Republicans buy sneakers too," when Harvey Gantt's senate campaign requested he donate money. Gantt was then embroiled in a nasty North Carolina race with Jesse Helms. Ultimately Gantt would lose twice thanks, in no small measure, to Helms' willingness to use blatant racial appeals. (Remember the white hand crumbling up the job application?)

But now we seem to have entered a new era where athletes are more comfortable with letting their political viewpoints be known. This era, of course, isn't so much a new one as it is a return to the 1960's and 1970's when corporate synergy didn't dictate opinions. There are still vestiges of political silence among prominent athletes (Tiger, Tiger Woods y'all) but the trend is clearly towards openness. Which, I think, is a good sign. Plainly anyone who votes for a candidate because an athlete endorses that candidate is a blithering idiot, but being engaged in the process, regardless of political persuasion, is a nice step.

Meanwhile, John McCain is patiently waiting for Shawn Kemp's check to clear.

LeBron James dunks 20G's in the basket for Barack Obama [LA Times]

Oh, I thought we were wildly speculating here. Everybody else is doing it these days after James was at a USA Basketball, um, thing and said New York was his favoritest city ever, followed by Washington, Dallas, LA, and his hometown of Akron. No Cleveland in there whatsoever.

So certainly this means that once the Cavaliers muddle through a couple more early playoff exits, their superstar will take an aerial view of Cleveland, furrow his brow, and say "I've been playing here? Danny Ferry told me this was Brooklyn!"

But hold on, says the Plain Dealer's Terry Pluto. Nobody can possibly figure out what will happen two completed seasons from now. There's a hint of controlled reason in his words, but ... look at the Photoshop! It shows he's clearly playing for the New York Pants. Argue that, Mr. Newspaper Man.

Losing LeBron [Yahoo! Sports]
LeBron James' departure in 2010 nothing but speculation [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

Larry Paul versus Dominique LeBron. Look, I'm not even going to pretend to be unmoved here. Fans of the Boston Celtics and Cleveland Cavaliers had to endure one of the ugliest series in NBA history for six brutal games, but you know what? The final game made it all worthwhile. (Okay, mostly worthwhile.) As Game 7 showdowns go, this one ranks right up there with Larry Bird versus Dominique Wilkins in the 1988 Eastern Conference Semifinals, right down to a Celtic superstar with a wispy, porn star mustache and an opposing superstar who went down with his head held high.

LeBron (45 points, 14-for-29, 5 rebounds, 6 assists, 2 steals) bared his basketball soul for the world to see, but in the end — and you knew this was coming, right? — he and his team just couldn't handle The Truth. And like Shaquille O'Neal once said: "Paul Pierce is the motherfucking truth. Quote me on that and don't take nothing out."

Pierce finished with 41 points (13-for-23), 4 rebounds, 5 assists and 2 steals. He hit big shot after big shot. He guarded — and was guarded by — LeBron for most of the game. He, like LeBron, took a lot of uncalled contact but stayed aggressive and never quit. He dove for a loose ball and quickly called timeout to preserve a Boston possession in the fourth quarter. And he hit two free throws with 7.9 seconds left — the first of which hit the back rim, went straight up, and fell right down into the basket — to secure the game, which ended thusly: Boston 97, Cleveland 92.

Said Pierce: "The ghost of Red (Auerbach) just looking over us. I think he kind of tapped (the free throw) in the right direction. It sort of put a smile on my face." And 18,624 other faces as well.

While this duel might have lacked the you-hit-then-I-hit-then-you-hit quality of the Larry and 'Nique show, it was still an impossibly dramatic gunfight between two amazing players on as big a public stage as you can ask for. As LeBron put it: "We both tried to will our team to victory and, just like Dominique Wilkins, I ended up on the short end and the Celtics won again. I think the second round of the postseason, Game 7, these fans will finally have an opportunity to forget a little bit about Larry Bird and Dominique Wilkins did and remember what Paul and LeBron did."

Or, better yet, they'll get to remember both. And be a lot better for it.

OK. I'm done Bill Waltonizing now. Other than LeBron, the only other Cavalier who showed up to play was Delonte West (15 points, 5 assists). Guys like Zydrunas Ilgauskas (8 points, 2-for-8), Ben Wallace (3 points, 4 rebounds), Sasha Pavlovic (7 points, 3-for-8) and especially Wally Szczerbiak (zero points, 0-for-3, 4 fouls in 15 minutes) just stood around looking dumbstruck.

On the other end of the ball, Paul Pierce didn't get tons of backup, but he got a little more than LeBron. Kevin Garnett had 13 points and 13 rebounds, P.J. Brown had 10 points and 6 boards (not to mention a critical jumper and an even more critical offensive rebound/putback in the fourth quarter), and Eddie House came off the bench in the first half to jumpstart the Celtics out of a dangerously lethargic stretch.

One last note: Sometime during the game, Mark Jackson stated flatly that Paul Pierce had already earned the right to have his number retired and hung up in the rafters alongside Russell's, Cousy's, Havlicek's, Jones', Cowens' and Bird's. At the time, I thought he was vastly overstating things. Now? Not so much.

The Celtics will now move on to face the Pistons in the Eastern Conference Finals. Game 1 is in Boston on Tuesday.

If you'll hark back with us to January 2006, we'll re-introduce you to an incident involving LeBron's mother, a DUI and a shocking amount of mace. Mama James was pulled over for erratic driving, and once "in custody," she wasn't exactly calm.

• She was "driving in an erratic manner, weaving in and out of traffic at a high rate of speed."
• When they first tried to put handcuffs on her, she wrang herself free before she was sedated again.
• Once in the car, she kicked out the side window of the backseat.
• The police, exhausted with dealing with her, eventually sprayed her with mace.

So, you know, LeBron's probably getting a little used to dealing with his mom by now. To remind, by the way: LeBron James' mother is the same age as Bill Simmons, Roy Jones Jr., Sam Cassell and Jennifer Aniston.

The Indestructible Mother Of LeBron James [Deadspin]

Welcome To Cleveland's Roadkill Cafe. Swarming defense, a brutal posterization of the Defensive Player of the Year, a superstar potty mouth, and LeBron's momma ... these were all part of an 88-77 Cavaliers win that had Doc Rivers and his Celtics clicking their ruby slippers together and chanting "There's no place like TD Banknorth Garden...there's no place like TD Banknorth Garden..."

Despite the fact that the Green and White built their reputation on a best-in-the-league defense, Cleveland did most of the shutting downing last night, holding the Celtics to 38 percent shooting and only 12 points in the fourth quarter. And while Boston's not-so-big-anymore three were getting blanked in that final stanza, King James (21 points, 6 rebounds, 13 assists) put his royal boot up the leprechaun's butt, dishing four dimes, hitting the first of two game-breaking threes (Boobie Gibson hit the other one), and dropping an exclamation mark jam on KG that led an Associated Press writer to observe "The Cavaliers were awed by James' stuff." Which I'm sure is totally true, but probably a little TMI.

Of course, many people will remember this contest as the game that LeBron's mom, Gloria James, got all up in Paul Pierce's face after Truth put a bear hug on the King to prevent a second-quarter dunk. But LeBron defused a potentially disruptive situation by calmly explaining that her behavior was inappropriate and politely asking her to return to her seat at the earliest possible convenience. Or something like that.

Said LeBron: "I told her to sit down, in some language that I shouldn't have used. Thank God today wasn't Mother's Day. All I could think about is her. I know my mother, we're good." Suuuuure, LeBron. Whatever you say. (But ask yourself this: Would your mom be okay with you telling her to sit her ass down? Yeah. Didn't think so.)

LeBron hit only 7-for-20 from the field but actually improved his series shooting average to 26 percent. But his Dick Cheney-like marksmanship weren't no thang, partly because he dished 'em and hit 'em when they mattered most, and partly because he got some actual, honest-to-goodness help from Gibson (14 points, 4 assists, and a fourth-quarter dagger), Wally Szczerbiak (14 points, 6-for-11), and Sideshow Bob (12 points, 6 rebounds).

Meanwhile, the Celtics' performances — such as they were — came with asterisks. KG led his team with 15 points and 10 rebounds, but he scored only 2 points in the second half and zero points in the fourth. Ray Allen had 15 points too, but he shot only 4-for-10 and couldn't get open down the stretch. Pierce scored half of his team's 12 fourth-quarter points, but he finished with 13 on 17 shots. Oh, and Boston's bench got outscored 36-17.

Game 5 is Wednesday.

• NBA: The Celtics have really carried over that road warrior status from the regular season, lose badly to the Cavs 108-84. But LeBron still didn't shoot particularly well!
  
• NHL: Red Wings take a 2-0 series lead over the Stars with a 2-1 win that includes just enough goalie fights.
  
• MLB: The Cardinals manage to not blow a save! Oh wait. Not Izzy. Right. Check.
  
• NASCAR: Kyle Busch wins at Darlington. Thus concludes Christmas Ape's NASCAR coverage.

At the University Heights Papa John's, police said a few people tried to jump the line, but they were pulled out and those in line started cheering. A Newsnet5.com viewer e-mailed and said a fight broke out at the Springfield Township location on Waterloo Road in Summit County. Springfield police said a verbal altercation took place between two people in line. No one was hurt and no arrests were made, police said.

There was one serious casualty, as Papa John's mascot Mr. Slice was found in a Toledo alley early this morning severely beaten and stripped of his toppings.

The promotion was hatched, of course, after a Papa John's franchise in Washington, D.C., made T-shirts calling LeBron James a "crybaby" after James' complaints about hard fouls during the Cavaliers' playoff series with the Wizards. To counter the bad publicity, the company offered 23-cent large, one-topping pizzas at their Cleveland, Columbus, Toledo and Youngstown outlets. The company will also donate $10,000 to the Cavaliers Youth Fund.

Papa John's first idea was to discount the pizzas according to LeBron's playoff shooting percentage, but that would have hardly even been worth the trouble.

Papa John's Running Out Of Pizza; Promotion May End By Dinnertime [Cleveland Plain Dealer]
Papa John's Stores Will Close Early If Supplies Run Out [Newsnet 5]

The poor server who had the unfortunate experience of waiting on LeBron at Cleveland's XO Prime Steaks during a recent late night pop-in probably had this thought. According to the Cleveland Scene, this is how it all went down:

LeBron pulls up in his Mercedes outside XO. People stop and try not to stare, but c'mon, it's LeBron James. He enters the restaurant with a group of friends. On this special occasion, the King decides to dine late. He keeps his group there until around 3:45 a.m. During this time the waiter obsequiously pours drinks and fetches anything else His Greatness needs.

The final bill comes to $800. By the feudal laws of decorum, which stipulate that the affluent should administer a 20 percent gratuity, staffers figured they'd be pocketing an extra $160. But when they fetched the autographed bill after His Heinousness bolted back to Akron, their expectation turned to disbelief, then anger.

LeBron stiffed them with a meager $10 tip. This is what French nobles like to call your requisite Bourgeois Bitch-Slap. The waiter wouldn't even take it, tired of being shat on by guys like LeBron.

It'd probably be in James' best interest to now hire an official food taster if he plans on dining at anymore Cleveland restaurants in the near future.

When it comes to tipping, LeBron goes Scrooge McDuck [Cleveland Scene]

With Game 4 of the Wizards-Cavs series about to tip off in the Verizon Center comes the news via The Washington Post's (Boooooooo!) Wizards Insider blog that the overcooked rivalry between LeBron James and DeShawn Stevenson has extended into the hip-hop arena. It all started with Queen James waving off the feud saying that if he deigned to respond to DeShawn, it "would be like Jay-Z saying something bad about Soulja Boy." Well, Soulja Boy was in attendance to back his basketball analog in D.C. for Game 3. In response, Hova recorded a diss track aimed at DeShawn, which was played at one of Marc Barnes' annoying D.C. clubs I never go to.

Jay-Z, the Jigga Man, H-to-the-Izzo, Mr. Beyonce Knowles, made [a] diss record about DeShawn Stevenson that was played at the D.C. night spot Love on Friday night, according to several witnesses. I have not heard the song or the lyrics but I was told that Jay-Z freestyled over the beat for the track, "Blow The Whistle" by rapper Too Short.

Sorry, Mr Carter. If DeShawn can't feel his face, he's most certainly invulnerable to your barbs. Lucky for Jay-Z that slam poet Etan Thomas remains out, because I have a feeling there would be a snappy response that somehow inculpates him in the Iraq War.

In the later game, the Jazz try to seriously make Tracy McGrady cry by taking a 2-0 lead on the road in Houston. (Those Mormons sure do get feisty!)

But like most of you, we're still hoping for an epic Arenas-LeBron battle in the Cleveland-Washington series. Gilbert looks healthy enough to make this fun. Tonight, we'd all like to flee to the Cleve.

(Winner of Game 2 brings the juice boxes.)

Twenty of James' 32 points were in the latter 24 minutes, while Arenas — who didn't start — finished with 24 points and missed two shots late in the fourth quarter to try and pull back even with Cleveland. Some might question the tactic of shunning James through the media before the game, but perhaps they didn't insult him enough. What of his body odor? His ability at Scrabble? His naivete when it comes to clicking on random Internet links? Don't relent, Washington. This series is still within your grips.

Phoenix-San Antonio rages onward as today's final post comes to a close, but the playoffs for today are but half over. You're free to get your Dallas-New Orleans series "onward," as the kids like to say at ice cream socials these days. And the rematch between the Jazz Hands and the Rocket Men will commence a little past your bedtime, mister, but you've been good, so feel free to stay up late for it.

And yes, you can have some of that sandwich. There's enough for everyone. Damon Jones didn't finish his.

Technically, this is the third year in a row that the Wizards and Cavs have met in the first round. In 2006, LeBron reminded us that he could do no wrong, even as he tackled the playoffs for the first time. But Gilbert Arenas refused to back down, matching James's iron-wrought majesty with fiery whim. Cleveland won in 6, and James marched on, but it was this series that put Arenas on the map.

For 2007, the sham police were out in full force. Arenas went down with a knee injury toward season's end; to add insult to injury, Caron Butler came up lame, too. The once-proud Wizards became the team everyone wanted in round one, and Cleveland got them. The sweep came easy, and James's play was strong, if somewhat perfunctory. Gil tried in vain to spice things up by chirping loud from the bench, but Biz LeBron was in no mood. Last year had come down to playground tactics, with James whispering in Gil's ear right before he clanked out the game-winning free throws in OT. This time, it was beneath him to trifle.

So now, we head into another installment of the most disjointed, unmentionable rivalry in all of pro sports. Gil missed the entire season with that same bum knee, but now may or may not be ready to step up and star again. No one, not even, Arenas himself, seems certain of his condition. Is he available in spurts? Poised to take up the Barbosa-like mantle of zany instant offense? Or, heaven forbid, will he take his rightful place in the starting lineup by the second game? He's announced his plans to be more of a distributor, but in his few games back it's his scoring that's truly dazzled.

Why all the recap? Because these two teams are perfectly situated to fight each other for years. James and Arenas are two of the most natural-born rivals in the entire league: One entitled, god-like, and barely human, the other a first-class underdog determined to keep himself always fighting the odds. And against James, he — or anyone — will always come up imperfect and strange. But somehow, this feels like a strange coincidence, like seeing two people in one day who bought the same glasses as you. The NBA deserves better than this and indeed, all players involved deserve more.

We routinely say that THIS IS A LEAGUE OF STARS. You can keep your Zydrunas/Haywood matchup, your "worst game coach showdown," and even DeShawn Stevenson's endless rants and raves. I know LeBron thinks it's about him to respond too much, and Gil is mostly focused on working his way back home, but come on. One of you will win this series, but that's not all that's at stake. Look a little deeper, and Brand James took a hit last year — there was that one incandescent game about Detroit, but aside from that he was either rote or unseen. And that Finals debacle has been erased from our collective memory in the sole interest of preserving the world economy, which relies so heavily on LeBron's future worth.

And Gil, my man, this is your moment. Push Stevenson over to the side; his yapping is unsubtle and artless. Last year, you had no problem talking shit while laid up in a suit. You want a challenge? You want to show that you belong up there with LeBron, Wade or Kobe? After 2006, you were getting there; through no fault of your own, that path was lost. But what could be more classically Arenas-ian than taking this series on your back from the get-go? Let Caron and Antawn get theirs; honor what the team has accomplished without you. But for reals, this feels like it was scripted for you to thrive.

In spirit of 2006, from the ashes of 2007, across a landscape of resignation and incidental associations, it's time that LeBron and Arenas recognize that this isn't some fluke. They are both at defining moments in their careers, and like it or not, they need each other. By revisiting the past, they can renew themselves for the future. Let's recapture that LeBron we didn't take for granted. That Arenas whose insanity was matched only by his will. Without this, yeah, it's two Eastern teams, one of which features LeBron. But if we embrace the past here, instead of dismissing it as muddle, this series has the potential to revitalize two of the NBA's most charismatic figures.

Let the West, or the Celtics, worry about the L.O.B. The playoffs are about that, but it's also where reputations come into being. This is two guys returning to their roots, whether they realize it or not. Here's hoping they deliver unto us a real clash of civilizations.

Tracy McGrady is enjoying the hell out of all this. The Western Wars are going to go down to the final second, and T-Mac (game-high 35 points) is thrilled out of his fish-eyed gourd about it. "There's going to be a team that wins 50 games and doesn't make the playoffs. So it's a battle out there. I love it. Every night is a competition. One day you're in the fifth spot, the next day you're in the third spot. It's crazy, man." It's sure is, Tracy! For you, it has to be like a thrilling roller coaster ride that ends in a fatal crash onto explosive spikes filled with poisonous snakes and surrounded by mutant, man-eating plants. I guess what I'm trying to say is, enjoy every moment of your pursuit of another only slightly delayed vacation, okay? When you're destiny is to never escape the first round of the playoffs, it's important to concentrate on the little things. Oh yeah. Rockets over the Blazers, 95-86. LaMarcus Aldridge led Portland with 23 points, and the Vanilla Godzilla continued his domination of the glass with 15 rebounds.

Wow. That's kind of sad. Kevin Martin scored 26 points to lead the Kings to a 110-98 win over the Clippers, which enabled Sacramento to avoid a four-game sweep by the "other" L.A. team. Wait. I know the Kings are bad, but how do you almost get swept by the Clippers? Jesus. Anyway, Sacramento coach Reggie Theus was giving up a little love for Martin after the game. "He's starting to adapt to the game now. I'm seeing things from him that I didn't see before. He's scoring easier in our offense now." That's great, Reggie. Too bad he didn't start doing that about 74 games sooner, huh? Elton Brand played again (15 points, 9 rebounds), but the Clippers said "Tanks, anyway" by sitting Cuttino Mobley (broken heart 'cause he still misses Steve Francis), Chris Kama (painfully freakin' ugly), and Tim Thomas (fatal case of not giving a crap).

• Just another meaningless regular season game. NBA players — well, except for Shaq and Yao Ming — have to slog through 82 physically grueling games every season. It's a long, hard, tedious journey to the playoffs, and it's pretty damn unreasonable to expect every game to mean something, you know? So you can hardly blame the Celtics and Pistons for mailing in what was just one pointless contest out of 82. Of course, insignificant as it was, I guess it's kind of interesting that Boston became the first team in the league to clinch a playoff berth with the 90-78 win. And the C's won the season series against the P's 2-1, which I guess would give them the tiebreaker should the two teams finish the regular season with the same record. Oh, and there might be a slight psychological advantage for the Celtics if, say, they should meet the Pistons in, oh, I don't know, the Eastern Conference Finals. But other than those trivial things, and the fact that Keven Garnett scored a season-high 31 points, and that the game was littered with technicals, hard fouls and trash talk from both sides, it was all pretty boring. Trust me.

• Jason Richardson is lying. Beware the traded player, even if that player happens to be a member of the Charlotte Bobcats. Jason Richardson scored 42 points — just two points off his career-high — in the Bobcats' 118-109 victory over the Golden State Warriors. Said Richardson: "This wasn't a revenge game. It wasn't anything personal. It was just a game that we wanted to win." Are we really supposed to believe that? Particularly after last, when Richardson was so upset over being traded by the Warriors that he refused to take a phone call from Charlotte part-owner Michael freaking Jordan? Yeah. Right. The 'Cats also got 22 points out of Raymond Felton and 18 rebounds out of Jared Dudley. Monta Ellis scored 32 and Baron Davis had 30 for Golden State, who probably didn't have a chance to win this one without the defensive prowess of Chris Webber. Sorry. Couldn't help it.

• Yao who? The Houston Rockets won a franchise-record 16th straight game with a 117-99 victory over the Indiana Pacers. Tracy McGrady, who provided the rocket fuel with 25 points, explained his team's formula for success: "It's all about confidence. We have great chemistry and guys know their roles here. We all are playing so well, we just can't really count on one guy." And trust me, T-Mac knows what he's talking about, since every time a team has trusted him to be that "one guy," things haven't turned out so well. The Rocketeers also got 21 points from Skip To My Lou and a season-high nine from Chucky Hayes! The Pacers, who will heretofore be referred to as The Footnote To History, were led by Troy Murphy's 17 points and 10 rebounds.

• What went wrong? I don't get it. The Suns scored 113 points on 59 percent shooting. They won the rebounding battle. Amare dropped 22 on 8-for-11 shooting. Steve Nash had 13 dimes. Shaq — who was openly mocked by Rocky the Mountain Lion — scored 12 points (5-for-6) and grabbed a season-high 18 rebounds. That's some magic sauce, isn't it? Can't figure out ... why they lost. Oh, wait, you mean there's more to the game than just scoring points. Uh oh. Memo to Mike D'Antoni, you know? The Nuggets dropped 126 point of their own - thanks to 30 points and an unlikely 13 boards from Marshmellow Anthony, not to mention 31 points and 12 assists from Allen Iverson. Denver shot 63 percent (10-for-16) from The Land of Three and capitalized on the Suns' 19 turnovers...5 a piece from Nash, Shaq and Stoudemire.

• Dance for me, puppet! The New Orleans Hornets battered the Hawks 116-101 — pretty much as expected — but there was at least one memorable moment to the night: Chris Paul forcing rookie Julian Wright to dance on the court during a 12-minute break in the fourth quarter to replace a broken net. Wright gyrated for the crowds' amusement and then further pleasured their minds by scoring a career-high 13 points, including a soaring, one-handed rebound he converted into a roundhouse dunk. Not bad, Rook.

• Speaking of ships that be sinking. Oh no, the Nets don't miss Jason Kidd at all, do they? Wait, what? They lost 100-93 to the Grizzlies? The Memphis Grizzlies?! Oh. Oh, God. With or without J-Kidd, how does a team lose to the Grizzlies? I'll tell you. First, Hakim Warrick scored a season-high 25 points. Second, Mike Miller returned from the dead to chip in 22 points. Third and most importantly, Kwame Brown and Brian Cardinal both ended the game with one DPN-CD each. Devin Harris, in his second start for the Nets, popped in 20 points and distributed 8 shiny dimes, but Vince Carter scored only 12 points on 4-for-11 shooting and looked totally pathetic while getting posterized by Warrick. Half-man, Half-a-sissy.

• A possible playoff preview? The Orlando Magic put the Washington Wizards through an atomic wedgie of a loss, 122-92, in what some people are calling a "preview" of possible first-round playoff matchup between the two teams. But come on. Without Caron Butler and Gilbert Arenas, that's like saying The Star Wars Christmas Special was a preview of The Empire Strikes Back. Washington coach Eddie Jordan, who looked like he was going to break down and cry for most of the game, said: "They took it to us. They were the aggressors, and we just didn't compete physically." Makes sense, 'cause you sure aren't going to stop Dwight Howard (20 points, 11 rebounds) with your mind, unless you're Professor X or something. On the other hand, DeShawn Stevenson did use his big, throbbing brain to go for 17, 5, and 4.

• You Might Think The Suns Play Horrible Defense ... but you're wrong. They don't play any defense. None. The Hornets scored 120 points on 53 percent shooting and had six players in double figures, led by David West (27) and Chris Paul (25 points, 15 assists). Hell, even Jannero Pargo got into the act with 22 points. Jannero Pargo! Five Inflatable Defenders could play better D than the Suns. Five Chris Dudleys could manage more defensive stops. I know I'm prone to exaggeration, but this is not hyperbole. Said Phoenix coach Mike D'Antoni: "In the third quarter they just didn't miss or we couldn't guard, one or the other." Mike, it was the other, trust me. And it wasn't just the third quarter, either. Oy. The Suns got 32 points and 14 rebounds out of Amare Stoudemire, 13 assists out of Steve Nash, and The Big Cactus had 15 points and 7 rebounds, but got pwned! by Tyson Chandler (12 points, 15 rebounds, and lots and lots of dunks).

• Okay, Fine. He's The Real Turkish Assassin. I was informed yesterday by certain astute readers that I had incorrectly identified Hedo Turkoglu as "The Turkish Assassin." That title, I was told, belongs to none other than Mehmet Okur. And last night, Okur went out and proved those readers right by scoring 11 of his 24 points in the fourth quarter - including two three-pointers in the final three minutes - to help the Utah Jazz rally from a 15-point second-half deficit to beat the Pistons 103-95. Fun fact: According to Wikipedia, Okur's "official" nicknames are "Memo," "Money Man" and "The Stinky Armpit of Turkey." Okay, okay...I made "Memo" up. Rip Hamilton and Chauncey Billups were the one-two punch for Detroit, scoring 22 and 21 points, respectively.

• Travis Diener Needs To Do Some Research. After Larry Hughes lit the Pacers up for 29 points (10-for-19) in Chicago's 113-107 victory, Dick Diener's little nephew shamelessly abused the English language by stringing the following nonsense words together: "[Hughes] is a good player. There's a reason he has a big contract. They don't just throw money away to [bad] players." Oh yes they do, Travis. They most certainly do. Exhibit A: Stephon Marbury is currently making $20,109,375 (the third highest salary in the league). Exhibit B: Raef LaFrentz (1.7 PPG, 1.6 RPG) is making $11,813,750. Exhibit C: Antoine Walker and Kwame Brown are both making around $9 million this season...and Employee #8 still has three years and $30 million left on his contract! (Have fun choking down that buyout, Kevin.) So I think it's been pretty firmly established that "they" do indeed reward bad players with fat contracts. Hughes' fellow Cleveland castaway Drew Gooden added 10 points and 15 rebounds for the Bullies, while Mike Dunleavy Jr. led Indiana with 25 points.

• Uh, Maybe We Should Start Taking These Guys Seriously. The Philadelphia 76ers stuck a broom handle in the Orlando Magic's collective butt last night and then proceeded to mop the floor with them on their way to a neat and tidy 101-89 victory. The Sixers have now won seven straight at home and eight of 10 overall. I'm telling you, the only things standing between Philly and a trip to the NBA Finals are the Boston Celtics, Detroit Pistons, LeBron James, and possibly the Magic and Toronto Raptors. Oh, and the Washington Wizards if Caron Butler and Gilbert Arenas ever get healthy. But other than that...

• Revenge Of The Bibby. Traded players always want to get a little payback against their old teams, and that's exactly what Mike Bibby did against the Sacramento Kings, scoring 24 points and dishing 12 assists in the Atlanta Hawks' 123-117 win. Sacramento coach Reggie Theus showed off his expansive knowledge of mathematology while calculating the causes of his team's latest loss. "We allowed a team averaging 90 points to score 123," Theus said. "We gave up 40 points in the first quarter and 34 in the third." In other news, 2 + 2 still equals 4 and long division can be a real bitch. And don't even get me started on polynomials. Fantasy watch: Al Horford had 16 points and 14 boards for the dirty birds, and the Kings got 20-point games out of Beno Udrih (25), Ron Artest (23) and Brad Miller's goatee (25).

• The Bobcats Are The Cure For What Ails A Team. The Knicks not only won last night, they blew out the Bobcats 113-89. And you could almost see Isiah Thomas tearing up his suicide note on the sidelines. New York got 22 points out of Nate Robinson and another 20 from Jamal Crawford. Now, I don't mean to diminish this wonderful and historic win, but the 'Cats were without leading scorer Gerald Wallace and Jason Richardson scored only 7 points before leaving the game with a right eye contusion and a small corneal abrasion. Oh, yeah, and Charlotte kind of sucks, too. But the Knicks are like a starving dog who will eat its own poop to survive. In other words, they'll take the win.

• Oh No, Randy, Please Don't Trade Us! Minnesota coach Randy Wittman's goddamn head almost exploded last night when his Timberwolves dropped a 107-85 decision to the Toronto Raptors. "If you want to get to the position of being a playoff team, a win like [the previous night's victory over the Jazz] you have to back up with an effort the next night," Wittman said. "That's going to be the difference on whether you're going to make it in the league or not. That's what we're trying to find out here, who are we moving forward with while we're rebuilding this? If you can't understand that for 82 games, we'll find someone who can." First off, Randy, it's probably too much to ask of a 12-win club to win back-to-back games on back-to-back nights against two playoff teams, especially when the second game is on the road. Secondly...do you really think that you're going to scare anybody by threatening to get rid of them? Because I don't see a lot of players clamoring to become a Timberwolf. I'm just sayin'. Anyway, Chris Bosh led the mighty dinos with 28 points and T.J. Ford came off the bench to toss in 16. Al Jefferson continued his Kevin Garnett-Lite season by scoring 23 for the T-Wolves. Fun fact: According to Wittman, Antoine Walker missed the game due to "a passport problem." Uh huh.

• Hey, Seattle ... It's Called "Hand In The Face." Try It Sometime. The Denver Nuggets used the Seattle SuperSonics as a prop their poster, shooting a franchise-best 67 percent field and scoring the most points in the NBA this season in a 138-96 win. "If no one is on the floor, it's hard to shoot the percentage they shot," Seattle coach P.J. Carlesimo said after a night spent making funny faces at his bench. "We didn't defend at all." In other news, Steve Kerr called Sonics GM Sam Presti and wants to trade for his entire roster. Allen Iverson led the scoring charge with 31 points on 13-for-18 shooting, Kenyon Marting returned to the land of the living with 23, and Marcus Camby had 12 points, 14 rebounds, and 5 blocked shots. And of course, Kevin Durant scored 16 points on 17 shots for Seattle.

• The King versus The Black Mamba. In the grand tradition of Mothra versus Godzilla, Alien versus Predator and Screech versus Horshack, two NBA mega-superpowers collided yesterday. And the force of their mighty, slapping impact actually tore a hole in the Staples Center roof, letting in a steady flow of deadly water drips that delayed the game for 12 minutes near the end of the first quarter. Kobe Bryant slithered his way to 33 points, 12 rebounds and 6 assists, but he shot 4-for-15 in the second half (and only 1-for-7 in the fourth quarter). Lebron James, on the other hand, hit five of his seven fourth quarter shots - one of which was a sick fadeaway with Kobe right in his mug - and netted a majestic 41 points in the game to propel the Cavaliers to a big 98-95 win over the Lakers. James then went on an unstoppable rampage, stomping through Los Angeles and smashing the city into dust.

• Get well, KG! After his Willis Reed-like return from a sore tummy muscle on Friday night, the Big Ticket said, "My philosophy has always been that if I can run, if I can move, if I can blink, if I can wake up in the morning, I'm going to play." Well, Garnett didn't play against Orlando, so...what? His eyelids stopped working? His alarm didn't go off on Sunday morning? Somebody needs to look into this. In his absence, Paul Pierce led the C's in points (24), rebounds (9), and angry scowls (37). Boston used a little Celtic Pride to erase a 16-point second-half deficit, but Hedo Turkoglu - who had a game-high 27 points - hit an off-balance three-pointer as time expired to secure a 96-93 victory for the Magic. Somewhere, Chris Webber must have been thinking "Oh, now you can hit a clutch shot? Now?!"

• It's all about being aggressive. I'm starting to get the funny feeling that Kirk Hinrich likes playing without Ben Gordon (sprained right wrist) and Luol Deng (sore left Achilles). After leading his team with 31 points (12-for-23), Captain Kirk explained his sudden and unexpected competence: "I'm just trying to be aggressive. (I'm) trying to make a conscious effort to take the ball to the basket, trying to make plays." This is quite a departure from earlier in the season, when he was clearly trying to not make plays. Unfortunately for Hinrich and the Bulls, Leandro Barbosa used a baseline drive and a couple three-pointers to spark a 12-0 fourth quarter run that propelled the Suns to an 88-77 victory. Barbosa, who had gotten off to a slow start, described how he turned things around: "I always like to be aggressive. I saw the space for me to go to the basket and I made the shot, so I was happy." Just think what a happy, wonderful place the world would be if we could all be a little more aggressive.

• We're coming for you, Seattle. A few days after beating the Phoenix Suns with a career-high 39 points, Al Jefferson used a new career-high of 40 points to beat the Nets 98-95. After the game, Jefferson said: "Twenty games ago, we would have lost the game tonight." When asked how the T-Wolves could have possibly played tonight's game 20 games ago, Jefferson went into a mild rant about quantum physics, tachyon particles, and warm butter. Anyway, Seattle's lead on Minnesota is down to one game, so we could have a new "worst team in the league" soon. Meanwhile, Richard Jefferson scored 35 points for the Nets, who have lost nine in a row and can also rightly be considered one of the worst teams in the league.

• Brandon Roy has a fever. A fever for the flavor of...victory. Despite a warm, clammy forehead and what Blazers coach Nate McMillam described as "watery eyes," Roy scored 24 points and hit the go-ahead freethrow with 2.3 seconds left to seal a 94-93 victory over the Atlanta Hawks. Joe Johnson scored 19 points and Anthony Johnson dished out 11 assists for the dirty birds, who dropped to 18-22 overall and 6-13 on the road.

• Revenge Of The Nerds. In their first meeting since June's Nielsen ratings bonanza, LeBron James hit a jumper with less than a minute to go to give the Cavaliers a solid 90-88 victory over the Spurs in Texas. James tallied 27 points, 9 rebounds and 7 assists for Cleveland, who shot 46 percent from the field. Manu Ginobili, who missed an open jumper at the buzzer that would have forced overtime, led the Spurs with 31 points. Tim Duncan chipped in his usual 20, 11 and incessant whining for the defending champs.

• Sweet Babboo. Linas Kleiza scored a career-high 41 points and grabbed nine rebounds as the Nuggets beat the Jazz 120-109. Um, yeah, one more time, in case you skimmed that: Linas! Kleiza! scored a career-high 41 points and grabbed nine rebounds as the Nuggets beat the Jazz 120-109. This is why we watch the game, folks! Marcus Camby also got into the personal best act, tying his career high in rebounds (24) and blocks (11) to help Denver end a two-game slide.

• Equilibrioception. First off, there is no imagined rift between Suns GM Steve Kerr and coach Mike D'Antoni. They feed each other strawberries, and just saw "P.S. I Love You" together, OK? Case closed. Leandro Barbosa scored 22 points and Shawn Marion added 20 and 16 rebounds as the Suns beat the Andrew Bynum-less Lakers 106-98 to regain the West's number one spot. Boris Diaw scored 19 points, Steve Nash had 13 and a season-high 20 assists, and Linas Kleiza somehow scored 11 for the Suns. Man, he was feelin' it last night.

Ah, TMZ: Obtaining hypnotically banal, incomprehensible videos since early 2006. Is that LeBron's car? Sure! Of course! Totally! Or something!

The Only Thing That Can Stop LeBron [TMZ]

• Zoom-Zoom. Last night, LeBron James abused Mike Miller like an open stretch of Ohioan highway. *Short snare drum roll with a cymbal crash* The King scored a season-high 51 points, including 25 in the fourth quarter and overtime, to lead the Cavaliers over the Grizzle 132-124. James made 18 of 28 shots and had nine assists and eight rebounds. (Take note, Kobe.) The 51 points matched the best scoring performance of the season.

• Hang The Banner. Washington beats Boston. New York beats Washington. Therefore, New York is better than Boston. It's simple math really. Jamal Crawford scored 29 points as the Knicks beat the Wizards 105-93 to give Zeke and his boys consecutive victories for only the third time this season. Zach Randolph added 14 points for the Knicks, who'll shoot for that super rare three-game winning streak tonight in New Jersey.

• Thief In The Night. If you're missing a crisp twenty dollar bill from your man-purse this morning, chances are Baron Davis has it. The Bodyguard had 22 points, nine assists and a season-high five steals to lead the Warriors past the Wolves 105-98. Antoine Walker led Minnesota with a decade-high 26 points off the bench. No, seriously, he did.

• Sam He Is. Phoenix not like losing here or there. Phoenix not like losing anywhere. Phoenix not like losing with a Bell. Phoenix not like Sam, Sam-J-Cassell. Sam Cassell scored 32 points and had seven assists as the Clippers beat the Suns 97-90 to snap a four-game losing streak. Corey Maggette added 21 in the win.

• Sunday Bloody Sunday. Dearest Sam Mitchell: Anthony Parker cannot stop LeBron James one-on-one. In fact, Anthony Parker — wielding a goddamn scythe — cannot stop LeBron James one-one-one. So hey, why don't you wise up, try coaching a little, and change your defensive strategy? Fuck. LeBron James scored 39 points, including 24 in the fourth, to help the Cavs rally for a 93-90 victory over the Raps. I was there in person. I was a witness.

• Advanced Search. Less than a week ago, Andrew Bogut told Bucks' beat reporters that he was "going to Google 'Win' or 'Learning How to Win'" to try and figure out what in hell was wrong with his team. Well, he must've found something. Bogut scored 25 points, including a short hook shot with 19 seconds to go, to lead the Bucks to a 93-89 win over the Cats. Charlie Bell added 27 for Milwaukee, in large part thanks to AltaVista.

• Boogie Afternoons. You're not going to believe this, but Dirk Nowitzki was caught staring at his penis during a few timeouts in the fourth quarter of yesterday's game. Yeah, he's back, baby! Diggler led Dallas in scoring for the ninth straight contest, scoring 30 points in 32 minutes, as the Mavericks dominated the Wolves 101-78. Minnesota has now lost eight in a row.

• The More Things Change, The More Things Stay The Same. Allen Iverson scored 38 points and the Sixers lose. Just like old times. (Denver 109, Philadelphia 96.)

• American Beauty. You look at LeBron James, and this guy is cut from stone. As if Michelangelo was reading Deadspin and a lightening bolt of brilliance flashed before his eyes. The natural maturation process now enables this grandmaster to regularly accomplish the unimaginable. Most top players get to the point where they truly believe that anything is possible. Most are also governed by gravity, the laws of physics and self-regulating mental control mechanisms. LeBron James has left all these behind. A superhero amongst Clarks, LeBron James returned, off the bench, and the Cleveland Cavaliers, ignited by their superstar's return from a sprained left finger, snapped a six-game losing streak with the 118-105 victory over the Indiana Pacers. Larry Hughes, a player riddled with as many injuries throughout his career as even I, also came off the bench and scored a season-high 36 points in just 26 minutes. Like the flaxseed Prairie growers of Eastern Canada, that is production.

• Without A Net. T.J. Ford had 26 points before he was sent crashing from the heavens, casting a long, dark cloud over Toronto's 100-88 win over the Atlanta Hawks. Not for the weak-stomached or children, T.J. Ford was headed toward a breakaway basket when Atlanta rookie Al Horford hit the guard's face with his hand. Ford landed hard, his head bouncing. He was strapped to a stretcher and wheeled off the court. At times like this, I find solace in UCLA legend John Wooden, the greatest college coach in the history of basketball, who used to say that, "basketball is not the ultimate. It is of small importance in comparison to the total life we live. There is only one kind of life that truly wins, and that is the one that places faith in the hands of the Savior. Until that is done, we are on an aimless course that runs in circles and goes nowhere." Truer words have never been spoken. Get well, T.J. Ford. Get. Well.

• Reckoning. In the grand scheme of cosmic life it doesn't matter that the Golden State Warriors, led by Baron Davis' 18 points, six rebounds and six assists, defeated the Tim Duncan-less San Antonio Spurs to the tune of 96-84. Head-to-head and everything being equal, San Antonio, today's most successfully managed franchise in the universe, is still the best team in the league. Look at Matt Bonner's 25 points and 17 rebounds; truly one of the greats. Not just of this generation, but of all time. And Greg Popovich. What is there to say about Greg Popovich that hasn't already been said? He has everything a top coach has. He has the leadership, the passion, the commitment, the dedication, the vision, the swagger, the voice, the four limbs, the cock, the balls, the human touch. He will have this team repeating as champions.

• Built To Last. Yao Ming is the best thing to happen to the NBA in a long time. He is just a beautiful person inside and out. The vision, the creativity, the gentleness of spirit ... he has it all. He would have dominated the opposition had he played in this Chicago 123, Seattle 96 basketball game. Just dominated.

From AP: "James returned to Cleveland's bench late in the third quarter, sporting a suit and turtleneck, with tape wrapped around his index and middle fingers on his non-shooting hand. Late in the half, ice was packed and wrapped briefly over his left hand. James did not respond to a few questions as he walked to the team bus after the game carrying a pizza." Well, I guess that is quite an investment, and the Cavaliers want to protect it. And a sprained finger can hurt like a mother. Just seems odd to me. James was injured with 4:41 remaining in the first half, when the Pistons' Nazr Mohammed fouled him. "I didn't hit him that hard, but it's easy to sprain a finger," Mohammed said. "I'm sure he'll be OK." Tayshaun Prince had 16 points and Antonio McDyess had 14 for the Pistons.

• You Cannot Stop The Warriors. So Don Nelson is pretty much King of the San Francisco Bay Area now, after Golden State won yet again on Wednesday, establishing itself as the only winning team in any sport between Portland and Los Angeles. Stephen Jackson hit two key 3-pointers late in the fourth quarter to pace a 103-96 win over the Kings, and teammate Monta Ellis had 22 points. The Warriors have won seven of their past eight games.

• Tony Parker Lays Down The Beat. Tony Parker had 20 points in the second half and finished with 29, and 11 assists, as the Spurs cooled off the Wizards 109-94. What, you want to dance?

• Big Wednesday. Yao Ming, possibly the only NBA player not frightened by these, had 31 points and 13 rebounds to lead the Rockets over the suddenly-struggling Suns 100-94. Yao was 12-for-19 from the floor and scored eight of the Rockets' last 13 points.

James had 38 points and 13 assists, including 11 points in overtime. But consider this: Gooden was 8-for-8 from the field in the third quarter and finished with a season-high 24 points and 13 rebounds. The Cavaliers shot 29.4 percent from the field in the second quarter, but led by Gooden, they shot 80 percent in the third quarter when they took command.

"There was a lot of trash-talking going on out there," Gooden said. "I had time to think about it at halftime. I just told myself what I was going to do, and that's what I did. The trash-talking is fun. I love that type of atmosphere." I just wish they would mic up the players; TV ratings would skyrocket.

• We're Sorry You Had to See This. Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy. Kobe Bryant scored six of his 35 points in the final 3:51 as the Lakers beat the SuperSonics 106-99. Kevin Durant had 25 points for Seattle, which lost its fifth straight. LA had about 80 turnovers in the final two minutes.

• The Heat Is On. With some guys, sometimes you need to pull them from the starting lineup to get their attention. Ricky Davis and Jason Williams came off the bench for 23 and 11 points (eight assists) respectively as the Heat beat the Bobcats 110-90.

• Bulls Win? What? Luol Deng had 22 points (LOL) as the The Bulls beat the Hawks 90-78, with Ben Gordon chipping in with 21 points. Chicago snapped a four-game losing streak. But then, have the Bulls ever lost to the Hawks, ever?

Do not expect New York Knicks guard Stephon Marbury to get traded to the Cavaliers any time soon. At least not while LeBron James is on the team. "I don't know him that well," James said of Marbury. "But I couldn't have a guy like that on my team."

Sorry, Cleveland fans. No Starbury for you. But we wouldn't blame you if you bought his shoes, anyway.

• Two For Texas. Are the Mavericks emerging as the best team in Texas? Josh Howard led bursts of 17-1 and 11-0, finsihing with 23 points to lead Dallas over San Antonio 105-92. The Spurs' Tony Parker missed 10 of 11 shots and finished with seven poiints.

• Barbosa Rules. Affirmed. Leandro Barbosa scored 25 points, including 5-of-7 from the 3-point line, leading the Suns over the Bulls 112-102. Fun fact: Grant Hill (24 points) arrived in Chicago a day early to appear on Oprah. Not so fun fact: Shawn Marion (21 points) was involved in a minor car accident on his way to the arena.

I have to say that watching him on tv does not do him justice. He has such an amazing presence on the court and affects the game in so many ways. I don't think I ever truly appreciated his greatness until tonight. His near triple double may have something to do with it, but even still, he's one of those players that you just can't take your eyes off. Everything in basketball comes to him so easily. No look behind the back pass in traffic? No problem. Silky smooth. Hustle back on D to prevent a fast break layup? No problem. Heck he even puts on a show during warm ups with some dunks and alley oops.

LeBron had 24 points, 14 rebounds, nine assists and three blocked shots. Baron Davis had had 29 points and 10 assists for the Warriors, who are playing so far as if the playoff win over the Mavericks is good enough to hold them for a couple of years.

• Houston Wins At Home? Yao Ming had 28 points and 13 rebounds to lead the Rockets over San Antonio 89-81. The Spurs dynasty is dead! (Just chiming in so I won't feel left out).

• Peja Makes It Rain. Just when he thought he had things figured out, Kobe Bryant took only 20 shots and scored 28 points in a 118-104 loss to New Orleans. Leading the winners were Peja Stojakovic, who made a franchise-high 10 3-pointers, and Chris Paul, who broke the franchise season mark with 21 assists. Oh by the way, if you thought gas prices were high ...

• Presenting Your Undefeated LA Clippers. Cuttino Mobley scored 33 points and Corey Maggette had 18 points, 10 rebounds and five assists to lead the Clippers over the Bulls 97-91. Frankie Muniz says shove it, Nicholson! (Then runs).

• Ah New Jersey Nets, You Sly Boots. There's nothing like a pink slip to motivate your employees. Antoine Wright was told by the Nets that they won't be picking up the option on his contract next year, so Wright came through with a big fourth quarter and overtime to lead New Jersey over Chicago 112-103 on Wednesday. Wright scored 14 of his career-high 21 points in the fourth quarter and OT.

• CA On KD. Kevin Durant had a rocky debut — hey, they're playing defense! They can do that? — as the Nuggets beat the SuperSonics 120-103 in the season opener for both teams. Durant scored 18 points in just over 31 minutes, shooting 7-of-22. Carmelo Anthony, who guarded Durant, had 32 points, with three 3-pointers. "He's going to be all right," said Anthony of Durant. "Hopefully no one puts too much pressure on him."

• Insert Lead Paint Joke Here. Yi Jianlian had nine points in 25 minutes and was 4-for-5 from the floor as Milwaukee lost to Orlando 102-83. Rashard Lewis scored 26 points on 9-of-13 shooting for the Magic.

Today: LeBron James. Your author is Bethlehem Shoals. His words are after the jump.

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LeBron James is a lot like God. He does shit no one else can; in fact, that's what makes him who he is. He can't be judged by earthly standards and is also relatively immune to time and space. People act all cynical about his glory, especially when it's tied into human money and power. But all it takes is one Game Five, or a death in the family, or the light breaking through the clouds just so, and then all skeptics feel the spirit.

He's also like the Almighty in that you can't really tell a story about him. The Old Testament isn't God: The Book, it's about how the Israelites deal with his brute wrath and love. As I learned numerous times in Hebrew school, my ancestral deity is somewhere between a puppet master and a bunch of very large rocks. Either way, he's not really a character, at least no more than the Seattle weather is my mortal enemy.

And so it is with LeBron. As one friend of mine put it, "it seems almost incidental that he plays basketball." For all last season, including most of the playoffs, James didn't impress. But the Cavs were winning, and even got to the NBA Finals! That's because LBJ doesn't compete like an ordinary mortal. He just exudes the essence of basketball, and the sport has no choice but to yield before him. When he does unleash a Game Five on the infidels, it's like those miracles you hear about it; it's not like the sky and cattle are any easier (or less easy) for God to pull off than a burning bush. In other words, it's for us, not him.

LeBron James also resists any and all attempts at narrative. He never had any chance of failing, or even learning by experience. Here's the synopsis: Teenager has every basketball skill on earth, hits the league running and with very little help or effort, turns around woeful franchise. Prodigy dominates all comers despite haphazard play, will soon own all of China by osmosis. Thanks, I can't wait for the sequel.

I don't know much about Jesus, except that he's the main character of the New Testament. When God split into three parts or whatever, he made one into a man who made his way through the world like any other. That's probably why people love Jesus so much, and why the Christian faith is so much more popular than my hook-nosed cult. JC is a role model because he's one of us, sort of; his rise and fall and rise draws us in because, duh, it's also the story of your soul and mine.

This has to be the season that LeBron finds Jesus. But wait, I'm not suggesting the NBA's top commodity pull an A.C. Green. Bron needs to make the switch from Basketball YHWH to Basketball Jesus, all so he can discover the humanity within himself. That means finally putting a Kobe-stye hex on the Cavs' incompetent front office, or letting on that his missed free throws bug him. Showing up like he's playing opponents, not just rehearsing a new sport in a darkened gym. And above all else, allow us to see that he does worry about winning a championship. It's not inevitable, no less than those three MVPs and that Hall of Fame plaque we've already fitted him for.

It matters to us as fans. Without this, LeBron will be remote, soulless and utterly impossible to relate to. Don't play like you don't watch sports to see yourself reflected back. The most appealing athletes resonate with us as human beings, hence all the love for the deeply flawed Warriors or the "scrappy" white dudes. We go crazy for underdogs because they've had to struggle and fight, something that's pretty much par for the average life. Even Jordan, Greatest of Any and All Time, became a very different figure once he lost his father. That infusion of emotion, adversity and frailty is what makes for the adrenal rush of success; without it, you might as well sit and observe nuclear fission for movement of consequence.

Truthfully, it should also matter to LeBron, and not just because his marketability depends on it. Last I checked, he hadn't obtained that ring. And as good as he is, he could be much better. Perhaps what's missing is that added sense of urgency, that fear that one day, his career will end, his kid will get married, and he'll die alone in a castle. If someone would just shout in LeBron's ear that he's a human being, dude would probably become a better player. Here's a paradox: The closer LeBron James comes to you and me, the more he lives and dies by the moment, the greater his chances of achieving immortality.

Jesus Christ took a chance, and things ended up okay for him. Right?

Like many of you since 1996, I missed Saturday Night Live last night, hosted by LeBron James, and have only the YouTubery offered up by NBC to go on. In this case, the monologue ("LeBronologue!" Oh, what whimsy!) was my favorite. There was also a High School Musical skit that had so much potential, but once the sketch ended, the writers found absolutely no way to end it. In times like this, you think of what David Chase would do in this situation.

I'm also hearing that the best skit of the night was called "Solid Gold," where James dressed up as a "feminine dancer." Well, I can only imagine he was certainly more feminine than certain Cavaliers dancer hopefuls.

As if it needs to be said, Peyton Manning was far better. But hey, LeBron can take solace in the fact that he's better at basketball than Peyton Manning.

James' Versatility Impressive On SNL [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

One of the funniest moments, in my opinion, in history happened at the ESPY Awards. In 1998, the ceremony was hosted by Norm MacDonald, post SNL, pre-Dirty Work, who spent most of the night dancing around controversial topics and went for the soft jokes until Peyton Manning won the award for college player of the year. After Peyton left the stage, MacDonald congratulated him and unleashed perhaps the gutsiest joke ever: Manning, he said, had won the Heisman Trophy which nobody could ever take away from him unless he killed "his wife and a waiter." Groans. Silence. The pan of the dumbstruck crowd (many of which would probably be considered O.J. Simpson's peers) was stunning. By his expression, it appeared that if Emmitt Smith had a gun, he would have shot Norm MacDonald right in the face at that moment — and he probably would've received a standing ovation.

Most of the time, the ESPYs don't run like this. They're a well-oiled combination of every major televised awards show, except most of its guests will be wearing Under Armour undeneath their tuxedos. (Click. Clack.) On July 15, ESPN will air the ceremony (that actually takes place on July 11) with Jimmy Kimmel and LeBron James hosting this year. One of these men is positioned to be the most recognizable face in professional sports; Kimmel, on the other hand, is known for his milquetoast talk show, inexplicably having regular sex with Sarah Silverman and indirectly launching the writing career of the floppy-haired Midwestern boy who oversees this Web site. Sure, Kimmel can be funny sometimes, but he's also been known to toe the company line when necessary. And most of this night will be centered around weak steroid jokes, a few minutes of self-deprecating fat-white-guy-hosting-a-sports-awards pap and wacky shoutouts to the athletes in the crowd. (Hey everybody, it's the Flying Tomato!)

But there are four full days in the editing room, so most of the really good jokes will be cleaned up and all of the gaffes will wiped away for Disney-fied consumption. Hey everybody, it's the Flying Tomato.

So this week, I'm putting on my Jim Valvano mask, sprucing up Dan Patrick's resume and placing odds on what will be cut from this year's ESPY Awards.

In the midnight hour, she cried...

Protests of the Arthur Ashe Award Winner: 3/1

This year's Arthur Ashe Award winners are Trevor Ringland and Dave Cullen, two Northern Ireland fellas who somehow brought together Catholic and Protestant children and got them to play basketball without biting each other's noses off. I'm sure there are plenty of other worthy winners, all of whom thought their unifying sports team was a lock for the award. It wouldn't be surprising to see a front row full of Iraqi roller derby players or Haitian bocce ballers vocalizing their disgust. We may see them waving their flags in the front row and booing, but we will not see them being tazered by Norby's henchmen. (Ed. Note: Norby!)

Stage-Storming After the "Best Female Athlete With a Disability" Category: 5/1

This is sure to be one of the most hotly contested categories as Amy Palmeiro, Jessica Long, Stephani Victor and Esther Vergeer battle it out for both the award and the coveted Female Athlete With a Disability I'd Like to Fuck status. (FAWDILF, if you will.) Problem is, this is so emotional that one of these ladies will probably attack the stage decorations just like Timmy Commeford from Rage Against the Machine did after Limp Bizkit won the 2000 VMA for "Best Rock Video." Their legs may not work, but these gals can climb for days.

"We Are Marshall" Getting Snubbed for Best Movie: 3/1

Anytime an awards show is put in the hands of the voters, there's bound to be an upset victory. Will Ferrell's fans may come out in droves to vote for "Talladega Nights" or Vince Papale's Italian Army may completely put "Invincible" in the top slot. And you can't underestimate the power of Terrence Howard fans, as "Pride" could also sneak in this slot. (Whoop dat trick. Git 'im!). Any of these outcomes would completely screw up the plans for ESPN to have Matthew McConaghey get at least 14 minutes of screen time on this telecast. There'll be a recount and a reshooting of the awards so "We Are Marshall" can triumph and they can have McConaghey and the surviving members of the team come for the contrived emotional moment they so desperately desire. Picture McConaghey doing the "We Are!" chant the same way Jamie Foxx did his pukey Ray Charles "Heeey!"-thing after he won the Oscar.

Best Bowler Award: 1/1

Eh, I'm thinking they threw this in there because of the lucrative PBA contract ESPN signed, but I think the "Best Bowler" category probably had its own ceremony about a week ago — you know, like, how they do the Oscar's boring "Best Audio Mastering for a Short Foreign Cartoon" presentations in a remote location. Because of this, poor Norm Duke, Doug Kent and Pete Weber won't even be able to attend the ESPYs. It'll just be a taped broadcast from the ceremony that was held at a Roanoke Rodeway Inn with the award for Best Bowler being presented by ... Richard Karn.

The birth takes care of that nagging worry that LeBron would be distracted from the stirring NBA Finals because his girlfriend was having their second child; now he will be able to focus on Game 4 tonight, helping to keep up the level of intrigue and entertainment value we have come to expect from this series.

Expect to hear about this subplot about 50 times tonight, or until you fall asleep, whichever comes first.

LeDad [The Sports Elitists]

At his point, we can only prepare to congratulate the Spurs and watch how LeBron is planting seeds for the next time he goes to the Finals. For example, that non-foul call at the end.

Big no-call, and no Cavalier complaints about it. What I like about it is that it's a long-term play. I'm a never-say-die guy, but I'm sure just about everyone agrees that this series is over. And the way the Cavaliers are playing it is by carrying forth a certain ethic. A way of doing business. That's about much more than Game 3, Game 4, or even this whole NBA Finals. That's about who LeBron James is, who the Cavaliers are, and what all that means for many years to come.

A 22-year-old superstar who has plans to be back many times. Maybe it pays off next game. Maybe it pays off next year. Maybe it pays off next decade. Until further notice, however, that's how it's going to be, and I like it.

Maybe LeBron is just planning for a title down the line ... but that doesn't make this Finals any more compelling. At least LeBron won't have to miss the birth of his child.

Still No Excuses [True Hoop]