The Truth Really Does Hurt. Just Ask LeBron and The Cavaliers

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who watched some legendary basketball yesterday. When he's not being really freaking impressed by Paul Pierce and LeBron James, he can be found being...really freaking impressed by Paul Pierce and Lebron James at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

Larry Paul versus Dominique LeBron. Look, I'm not even going to pretend to be unmoved here. Fans of the Boston Celtics and Cleveland Cavaliers had to endure one of the ugliest series in NBA history for six brutal games, but you know what? The final game made it all worthwhile. (Okay, mostly worthwhile.) As Game 7 showdowns go, this one ranks right up there with Larry Bird versus Dominique Wilkins in the 1988 Eastern Conference Semifinals, right down to a Celtic superstar with a wispy, porn star mustache and an opposing superstar who went down with his head held high.

LeBron's Mother Is Not Someone With Whom You Should Trifle

Celtics Shown Up By LeBron, Punked By LeBron's Mom

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who's starting to think Tuesday is the new Monday. When he's not wishing he was still chillin' in bed, he can be found rubbing his chin in a thoughtful way at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

Welcome To Cleveland's Roadkill Cafe. Swarming defense, a brutal posterization of the Defensive Player of the Year, a superstar potty mouth, and LeBron's momma ... these were all part of an 88-77 Cavaliers win that had Doc Rivers and his Celtics clicking their ruby slippers together and chanting "There's no place like TD Banknorth Garden...there's no place like TD Banknorth Garden..."

About Last Night...

Pizza Madness Grips Ohio

LeBron James Has Obviously Never Been A Waiter

Bron-Shawn Basketball Beef Gets Hip-Hop Glaze

Flee To The Cleve Tonight, Everybody

LeBron Overrated, Rated Over Gilbert Arenas

Free Darko On Cleveland-Washington

We're looking at every NBA Playoff series through the eyes of both Free Darko and Basket Bawful. Here's Free Darko's look at the Cleveland Cavaliers-Washington Wizards series. Your author is Bethlehem Shoals.

Technically, this is the third year in a row that the Wizards and Cavs have met in the first round. In 2006, LeBron reminded us that he could do no wrong, even as he tackled the playoffs for the first time. But Gilbert Arenas refused to back down, matching James's iron-wrought majesty with fiery whim. Cleveland won in 6, and James marched on, but it was this series that put Arenas on the map.

LeBron Talks To The Hand, Hand Says, "No MVP For You!"

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who after last night's cluster of crappy games totally takes back that whole "wishes the regular season was longer" thing. When he's not formally requesting that David Stern burn yesterday's request for a 300-game season, you can find him skipping rope at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

It finally happened. Carrying a not-very-good team with a one-play offensive system has finally injured LeBron's back. Just in time for the playoffs! (This just in: Cleveland needs to fire Mike Brown. That is all.) Painful, unrelenting vagina back spasms held King James to a mere 33 points in the Cavaliers' 101-98 loss to the Chicago Bulls. As if the loss didn't feel bad enough as it was, Larry Hughes got some revenge on the team that traded him for an old, injured guy by scoring a clutchtastic 19 (of his 25) points in the second half. Ben Gordon also chipped in with 24 points, including five freethrows down the stretch to hold off Cleveland. And while those guys were winning the game, LeBron was stinking up the joint; his fourth quarter stat line was: One point, 0-for-5 from the field. And since he's the one play in the Cavs' one-play offense, Cleveland got outscored 24-13 in the final stanza. And lost, of course. That sound you just heard was the funeral march for Bron-Bron's MVP bid.

LeBron Scores 50, While "LeBron" Gets Escorted Out Of MSG

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who has no idea what to say about himself today. When he's not blanking out on his own life for Deadspin, he can be found brainfarting at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

• New York hearts LeBron. King James gave the Knicks a three-fisted knuckle sandwich of 50 points, 10 assists and 8 rebounds - despite an injured right pinkie finger! - in the Cavaliers' 119-105 victory. And the Madison Square Garden crowd was freaking the hell out about it, standing, ovating and chanting "M-V-P!" One crazy fan in a LeBron James jersey even rushed down onto the court to share a few words with The Man himself. Said LeBron: "It was a great feeling. You get a fan to come down there to express the way he feels about you...told me I was his favorite player, that never happens. I respect him, I respect his pride and for him to come out there and tell me something like that face to face, it's the (most) unbelievable thing that ever happened to me." Not surprisingly, the MSG security staff wasn't quite as thrilled with the fan's irrational exuberance and gave him a nice, safe escort off the premises. Meanwhile, amidst the jetsam and flotsam of the Knicks' season — 'cause let's face it, the ship be sinking — Stephon Marbury finally returned to the Garden. And he looked happy. Real happy. Bubble-blowing happy, even.

LeBron Is Human After All

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who isn't going to cover the Blazers/Clippers game, because of the pain it caused my eyes to watch. (Although I will tell you that Portland won 82-80.) When he isn't recovering from the ugliness of professional basketball, he can be found making fun of it at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

• God Is Pissed. LeBron James scored 26 points last night to become the youngest player in NBA history to reach 10,000 points. At 23 years and 59 days old, King James is more than a year younger than Kobe Bryant was when he reached 10K in 2003 (Mamba was 24 years and 193 days old). Said James: "To be in the record books is a tribute to my teammates, myself and my family." Whoa, there, Bron Bron. Don't you know that professional athletes are always supposed to thank God for helping them win awards and championship? (And thanking yourself doesn't count.) The Lord then proved that he can both giveth and taketh away by strikething James down with an ankle injury near the end of the first half (though he returned in the second), taking away his jump shot (7-for-24), and getting Cavs coach Mike Brown ejected in the third quarter. The official score was Boston 92, Cleveland 87, but we all know that it was really God 1, LeBron 0. Meanwhile, Kevin Garnett finally looked like himself again with 18 points and 11 rebounds, and Ray Allen scored 22 on 7-for-10 shooting.

The Clashing Of The Titanic Titans

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is in no way related to Kevin McHale and who has taken the necessary legal steps to ensure that it stays that way. When he's not screaming in soulless rage at the merciless Pagan gods, he can be found making fart jokes at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

• The King versus The Black Mamba. In the grand tradition of Mothra versus Godzilla, Alien versus Predator and Screech versus Horshack, two NBA mega-superpowers collided yesterday. And the force of their mighty, slapping impact actually tore a hole in the Staples Center roof, letting in a steady flow of deadly water drips that delayed the game for 12 minutes near the end of the first quarter. Kobe Bryant slithered his way to 33 points, 12 rebounds and 6 assists, but he shot 4-for-15 in the second half (and only 1-for-7 in the fourth quarter). Lebron James, on the other hand, hit five of his seven fourth quarter shots - one of which was a sick fadeaway with Kobe right in his mug - and netted a majestic 41 points in the game to propel the Cavaliers to a big 98-95 win over the Lakers. James then went on an unstoppable rampage, stomping through Los Angeles and smashing the city into dust.

Cavs Beat Spurs (Seven Months Too Late)

The NBA Closer is written by our Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or reading many leather-bound books, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast.

• Revenge Of The Nerds. In their first meeting since June's Nielsen ratings bonanza, LeBron James hit a jumper with less than a minute to go to give the Cavaliers a solid 90-88 victory over the Spurs in Texas. James tallied 27 points, 9 rebounds and 7 assists for Cleveland, who shot 46 percent from the field. Manu Ginobili, who missed an open jumper at the buzzer that would have forced overtime, led the Spurs with 31 points. Tim Duncan chipped in his usual 20, 11 and incessant whining for the defending champs.

Well, They've Really Got LeBron Now

LeBron Puts Pedal To The Metal

The NBA Closer is written by our Canadian weekend maestro J.E. Skeets. When he's not busy scouring the box scores or eating cereal, he can be heard on The Basketball Jones daily podcast.

• Zoom-Zoom. Last night, LeBron James abused Mike Miller like an open stretch of Ohioan highway. *Short snare drum roll with a cymbal crash* The King scored a season-high 51 points, including 25 in the fourth quarter and overtime, to lead the Cavaliers over the Grizzle 132-124. James made 18 of 28 shots and had nine assists and eight rebounds. (Take note, Kobe.) The 51 points matched the best scoring performance of the season.