Deadspin
Okay, listen up, douchebags: I don't like you and you don't like me. But thanks to some of the sloppiest play we've seen in World Series baseball since the Marlins beat the Indians we're stuck with each other for the next twelve posts. My name is Balk, and I'm an editor over there at Gawker, a site focused on New York media and gossip. Which is to say that our gayness is fully open and acknowledged, in contrast to the deep-seated homosexual desires you all so clearly exhibit here. My entire preparation for this job was essentially scouring the web for naked pictures of Brady Quinn, because that's what I've been told the readers frequently request. If you're riled up enough to read on (and that was totally not the intention), there's a full scouting report after the jump.
Okay, what can I say? My guys lost, and badly. At the start of the season I was telling friends that I'd be happy with 87 wins (which, as it turns out, is more than the Cardinals wound up registering); I don't think anyone expected a World Series appearance. And yet I'm still bitter, when, by all rights, I should be thrilled that they got that far. I'm also doing that thing you do when your team loses where you keep telling yourself, "It's only a game, there are more important things in life, etc.," except the fact that I'm here (and at my regular gig) all day is a constant reminder of the fact that, while I got to see the Tigers win a post-season series for the first time since I was eleven (although I sort of count those final three games against the Blue Jays in '87 as a playoff match), I got to see them fail in the clutch.
Speaking of the Tigers: There was a lot of chatter during the original announcement of this wager as to how I could be both a Tigers fan and a fan of the Saints. I'm also a fan of the Flyers and the Celtics, so between the W.S., the Ravens, Red passing away, and, you know, the hockey season thus far, it hasn't been the best week. In any event, why those teams? The short answer is that my dad is completely, actively disinterested in sports: as a kid I was forced to form my own allegiances, and rather than do the easy thing and pick my local teams, I looked around and carefully considered whom I'd be rooting for. My Tigers fandom came about because at the age of nine no one in the world seemed more to represent what baseball was than Sparky Anderson. The Celtics happened because Mom's family is from Boston and has had season tickets since there were still Jews on the team. The Saints are case of a late-developing interest in football and the ability to sit in a bar that seats 70,000. And the Flyers came about because, much like Peter Zezel, I hate the Rangers.
But enough about me: I'm going to throw this out there to those of you who somehow wound up fans of teams from different cities: How did it happen? Why? Do you feel like you're somehow more committed because it's harder to catch your team on TV? Are you intrinsically a better person because you've chosen to buck the convention that dictates you must like a team out of some accident of geography? Intersperse your answers in the comments with all the other readers who are busy telling me I suck. (Bring it on, bitches, I am NOT AFRAID. I deal with Leon Freilich every day, you lot are nothing. And if the commenters at Gawker are right, you're a bunch of easily-intimidated troglodytes who are completely lacking critical faculties. Yeah, they said that.)
Okay, one down. Got a couple of features planned today, and, if you're good, I'll put up some clips from Jaws II, the little-seen gay porn movie Ron Jaworski made after he retired from the Chiefs. I know that's what you want anyway.
Oh, right, before I forget: Congratulations to Will Leitch and the St. Louis Cardinals. I am totally sincere when I say that, if I had to lose to Will, I am thrilled he was able to watch his team clinch on the home field. And I'm glad he made it out of St. Louis without getting raped or murdered, which is apparently a common occurrence there. Thanks (I guess?) for trusting me with the keys, Will; I'll try not to fuck it up too much.
Comments
This is going to get ugly, it's like a train wreck you just can't stop looking at.
As a Cubs fan, my one request is that you bash the Cardinals franchise, its inbred fan base, Tony LaRussa in general, and the team's suck-ass new stadium every chance you get.
Thank you.
My name is Fairuza Balk. I was in the Water Boy. That movie had football (sortof). Football is a sport. Sport of Kings! I am a Queen. Full circle.
We want Jessica Coen!
Alex Balk made a bet
And now he is quite upset
He is slumming with us today
Trying to say we're all gay.
See, I can do the dumbass Freilich thing too.
"Hooray, Bear!" means something entirely different today.
I, for one, welcome our snarky new homosexual overlords.
Even better, Tony LaRussa is on Mike & Mike this morning; I'm sure all Gawker readers will be listening.
Flyers suck.
Intimidated by the commenters at Gawker? Why don't you send both of them over here so we can see about that.
Balk, don't be such a jerkwheat. Your shitty team threw the Series away--literally. Now you have to be Will's bitch. I'm sure you're used to it.
Oh, and the Cardinals are the world champions of the universe.
I second JackieTreehorn's request.
Seconding the train wreck, bigricks. I wasn't going to even look. But somehow I can't help it. Good luck Alex.
Look, just tell us who you like in today's Barcelona-Chelsea showdown and everything will be cool.
Gawker fans are too busy inserting plastic coke bottles into their rectums to appreciate the exquisite taste of Deadspinners.
More posts about dinosaurs, please, which I'm told are fairly common here.
This reminds me of watching Krucoff guest-edit Gawker-- a slow descent to hell.
And if the commenters at Gawker are right, you're a bunch of easily-intimidated troglodytes who are completely lacking critical faculties. Yeah, they said that.
Deadspin LLP is preparing a libel suit as we speak.
Hey Alex what's your favorite college football team? Whoever it is, did they lose to Temple? I DIDN'T THINK SO.
I used to like Gawker; not sure I do anymore.
Oh, and what JackieTreehorn said.
There are gays in New York?
You have been riding his ass all morning, and not in the good way
RUN YOU FUCKING DINOSAUR, which are fairly common here, RUN
"Fucktard" would have been more appropriate than "douchebag" to decribe the Deadspin readership.
Tickenest,
I think he's familiar with a much different Chelsea than we are.
only my girlfriend gets to call me that
Are you not familiar with Deadspin's extensive Johnny Weir coverage?
Was Lloyd Grove not available?
Balk is cheating. This thread is on Gayker and Deadspin at the same time. I hope this doesn't count towards his widget quota at both sites.
And I have always respected people who remain fans from afar, kind of like on their lonely little fan islands. Except for loser Cub fans. They're just fucking morons who can accept 98 years of futility and come back for more.
I believe the term is "douchefucker".
"Okay, listen up, douchebags: I don't like you and you don't like me."
"I like you."
"Okay, then it's just that I don't like you."
Jesus. Gay and Macho at the same time. It's like Charles Barkley.
"That's... kinda gay."
Crossposting: The only way to run an active site (Deadspin) and one with cobwebs(Gawker).
you calling peter zezel gay?
oh my god, this site is like the dorm room of every jock itch in college i wouldn't sleep with.
Mr. Balk:
Can you make this your avatar?
What, no Final Fantasy Tactics fans?
In light of your valient actions to save this house ... we all think it's time to take part in the one tradition left over from the dark days of Balls and Shaft. Alex Balk ... prepare yourself for initiation. [snaps glove] Just try to relax.
And thanks for bringing up the Tribe losing to the Marlins. Fucktard.
EllaGood: I doubt you turned down anyone.
Leave it to the gay editor to come out "swinging."
Seriously, Balk, it's your world today. Go to town.
I'm glad that you explained yourself. I just assumed that you liked the Tigers because you had a man-crush on Magnum P.I. and the Saints because of Ricky in drag.
I always preferred fuckworm to fucktard.
....
Don't mind me. I didn't get out of the office until 10 last night.
As a Saints fan from the Jim Mora/Sam Mills days, I have to say the first thing about being a Saints fan is you don't care about the game once it's over.
If they are getting blown out in the fourth quarter, just think about where you're going to have dinner.
Balk is probably really good at catching a football.
whoever knows the url for meatspin should post it for the gawker readers. that should keep them busy for a while.
My name is Fairuza Balk. I was in the craft as well.
i can't believe i didn't set my dvr for the chelsea game. now i'm going to hang myself with balk's leotard.
Good work, Saxist. I escaped by 9:30pm, but then again, I was here at 8am this morning.
Private Balk's got guts, and guts is enough.
Oooo, the first Gawkerettes are trickling in! Shit, we forgot to put out the bucket of blow. All we have is Pabst, a box of wine, and some Jaeger...
Balk, your sweet ass isn't going to last 2 hours in this cell block.
I just want to be clear, this is all part of Will's elaborate plot to make us appreciate five Cardinals' related posts a day, right?
The 'mos down at Gawker need to go grab a pie down at Grimaldi's and chill. Then, upon reflecting on your self-aggrandizement, make haste to Selmer's Petland for your monthly supply of gerbils.
Yeah, I'm namedropping New York icons. Next installment: rent control at my baba's crib.
The chances of more naked Lee Corso pics showing up just dramatically increased today, didn't it.