• Cultural Oddsmaker

    Who Are You Going To Run Into At Your High School Class Reunion?

    Most American high schools schedule their high school reunions on this date, thinking that everyone will be home for the holidays and the only thing they'd like more than sitting at home watching OnDemand movies and eating leftovers is revisiting their high school years. I went to my 15 year high school reunion last year. We didn't have a 10 year one, but we did have a five year reunion. If you choose to go to any of your reunions, I highly recommend the five year one. It's probably the best opportunity you'll ever have in your life to engage in an orgy with half the girls you had a crush on in high school. Shit gets messy.

    At the 15 year one, I spent most of the time wrapped up in conversation with people I know and like and spent the rest of the time dodging conversations with people I despised. You would think that once you reach your 30s, the type of social hierarchy in high school would cease to exist and that there are no more cliques, or cool kids, or jocks, or geeks, or all that. You'd be wrong. It's still there. Most people just learn how to handle these awkward social situations a little more tactfully. Instead of making up a lame excuse to get out of a conversation without blatantly insulting someone, they choose something along the lines of, "Just give me one minute, I have to get something to eat. I want to go before the buffet closes." Or, "Will you be around all night? I have to step outside for a minute and get some fresh air." I pulled the "I have to grab something to eat..." move on one guy and he achingly revealed that it was the fourth time that had happened to him that night. Yeah, well, welcome back to high school, buddy. Now don't fucking bother me on Facebook.

    If any of you are planning on attending a reunion tonight or anytime in the near future, it's time to prepare yourself accordingly for the evening that will change your perception of high school for better or worse. You'll either walk away from that night fully content that all those people you obsessed about weren't worth the drama and finally move on. Or you'll come to the horrible realization that your life was never better than it was when you were 18.

    So today I'm cranking up "For Just a Moment", re-pegging my jeans for old times sake, and placing odds on some of the people you'll run into at your high school reunion.

    Let's go play Asshole at my parent's house later tonight after this jump. More »

    4:45 PM on Fri Nov 28 2008
    By DAULERIO
    10,075 views, 43 comments

    Most discussed Gourmet Spud: Dear Mr. Daulerio: We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Friday working for whatever it was we more »

  • cultural oddsmaker

    Which Speller Will Have The Best Chance At Bagging Erin Andrews?


    In commemoration of the Scripps National Spelling Bee, A.J. Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker makes a brief return. Email him to let him know what you think.

    Tomorrow the Scripps National Spelling Bee will give another group of spindly kids with Akeelah-like aspirations an opportunity to make use of their freakish memorization skills. This year, the kids are more aware of the ramifications and long-term career potential that comes with the national stage. Spell the words right, become a shooting star; fail and go back to the life of being an extraordinarily bright child with lots of tuba-playing friends. (Or, if they’re a home-schooled, back to being a socially-stunted shut-in whose only friends are the mailman and a rotting salamander carcass in a mason jar.)

    Many of these kids are so absorbed and determined at developing their abnormally high IQs, they usually fall short on having a TV-ready appearance. But the more popular this event becomes, it’ll be even more crucial for producers to make sure their featured participants aren’t wearing their khakis on backwards or their glasses don’t cause potentially deadly refractions of the stage lighting. It’s the harsh reality of network ratings economics: If the final round is going to continue to garner a primetime slot, The Bee needs to get prettier in order to ensure long-term success.

    And this year, spellers have added motivation to look less mousey, now that ESPN’s all-purpose reporting princess, Erin Andrews, is sidelining the Bee. Unlike the drooling moron nation that worships her from the safe confines of the internet, these poor girl-spooked geniuses will be forced to process Ms. Andrews’ striking beauty in person. One hair-flip and they’ll quickly learn that, no, she’s nothing like the girls in Latin club.

    For male participants, this creates an even more daunting pressure-cooker atmosphere, as flubbing “quatorzain” in the first round will not only result in condescending snickers from their peers, but will also eliminate any chance of them professing their undying love to the tall, coconut-scented woman with the pretty teeth.

    Among this year’s batch of 288 nerdsworths, there are a few who have the potential to make both their etymological and wet dreams come true.

    So, today, I’m ignoring my throbbing odontalgia, taking antibiotics for my staphylococci and trying to avoid a vivisepulture as I place odds on some of the lads who have the best chance at vouchsafing the crap out of Erin Andrews this week.

    Let’s go elucubrate after this jump. (Painting by the great Jim Cooke, of course.) More »

    2:20 PM on Wed May 28 2008
    By DAULERIO
    15,784 views, 84 comments

  • cultural oddsmaker

    Smith Street (NSFW)

    This is AJ Daulerio's final Cultural Oddsmaker for Deadspin. Email him to let him know what you think.

    Congratulations to Isiah Thomas, Deadspin Sports Human of the Year. Too bad for Kige, who once again fell just a few clicks short of history. Now, he's relegated back to the moronic tedium of Speak-and-Spell YouTube sports reporting. He shouldn't drown his sorrows in Strawberry Quick for too long though, as some major media corporation will surely throw a six-figure contract at him very soon. Didn't you hear? Online sports personalities are hot properties. Everybody wants one. They're like the new Beanie Babies. But it takes a lot more than that to be Sports Human of the Year. Judging by the first two victors, it takes a supreme lack of self-awareness. Kige, for better or for worse, has entirely too much of that.

    So this is actually the topic of this week's final Cultural Oddsmaker: Who will be the next Sports Human of the Year?

    Humanity has been a cornerstone of this site since its inception. It's what helps the modern day fan build a stronger connection to the athletes have been our country's valiant robot warriors. It's so effortless for them that it's demoralizing to be in their presence. That's why it's so great when they get drunk. Or grab a tit in public. It's in these moments that we see little glimpses that they do indeed breathe the same air we do; they have the same faults, or startling lack of judgment. Sometimes it's drugs. Sometimes it's women. Sometimes it's hubris. Sometimes it's not being properly trained in machete self-defense techniques.

    Along those same lines, we also live in an era where sports "personalities" are also just as vital to our fandom. And thanks to ESPN, the smarty-pants crew with their sharp ties and pop culture shout-outs are what is supposed to make our sports fandom more relevant — more now. We are all Judd Apatow sycophants and Coors Light commercials. Maybe we are? Maybe they're right.

    With that in mind, let's move along to this week's email. This wasn't actually sent to me, but to the floppy-haired Royal We from a prominent ESPN Sports Center host who's unfortunately been on the ass-end of many a joke here on Deadspin. It's not because he's a bad guy— it's because like many a Sports Center anchor at ESPN he's larger than life. He's also very kind to most of the people he's corresponded with on many occasions. But for the sake of bridge-burning, it's time to share this email that was sent to Deadspin on Feb. 1, 2007, during the apex of Super Bowl madness.

    When Scott Van Pelt puts you on notice, you best better listen:

    From: Van Pelt, Scott
    To: Royal We
    Subject: Man...

    Scott Van Pelt wrote:
    Your site is consistently funny and smart and this just seems so....weak.

    Grown men in South Beach "hollering at the ladies" and your guy is like ...what...the fun police?

    From: The Royal We
    Sent: Thursday, February 01, 2007 4:24 PM
    To: Van Pelt, Scott
    Subject: Re: Man...

    Oh, AJ ... I thought you were talking about the site. AJ just does his thing ... I never know what he's up to. But yeah: I think he's had enough hanging with ESPN people now; I think he just wanted to get his picture with Salisbury.

    Subject: RE: Man...
    Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2007 16:29:22 -0500
    From: Van Pelt, Scott
    To: Royal We

    I think the ESPN people have had enough of him. You f*ck with people enough and eventually someone big, drunk guy acts like a big, drunk guy and knocks the moustache off your face.

    THAT would be some fodder.

    Yeah. It would. Another time, another place for everything.

    So this week, I'm shutting off the lights, breaking out the Journey and placing odds on who the potential nominees for Sports Human of the Year 2008 will be.

    Let's adieu. More »

    3:25 PM on Fri Jan 11 2008
    By DAULERIO
    12,995 views, 124 comments

  • cultural oddsmaker

    Who's The Next Sex Tape Diva To Be Linked To A Professional Athlete?

    AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker has just two columns left. This is one of them. Email him to let him know what you think.

    Hola, putas. It's once again time for the A.J. Daulerio Deadspin Unraveling with your late Friday afternoon dash of tawdry goodness. As you can tell by the above photo, today we'll be discussing Kim Kardashian and her almost engagement to Subway pitchman and Sheldon Brown tackling dummy, Reggie Bush.

    But first, a favorite email from the Oddsmaker experience. This one's from a proud mongoloid mother named Judie from Walnut Grove, California eager to preach the gospel about the fat-tongued heroes we all know and love :

    I don't know what to make of your column. I've never read such an unflattering portrayal of people who have Trisomy 21/Down syndrome (not "Down syndrome people") but there's something honest about you. Maybe I saw something of myself in your reluctance to be exposed to children who have Down syndrome (not "Down syndrome children"). Until I had one of my own, that is. Now, 28 years later, I have accepted the fact that the gene for nose-picking must be on the 21st chromosome and I wish that's the worst I'd ever endured with my other so-called "normal" children.

    Aw. It's getting dusty in here!

    Onto sex tapes. It's still mind-boggling why anyone (especially a woman, semi-famous or not) would ever participate in such an activity if they had no desire for it to some day be viewed by a captive, unzipped audience. For those devoid of any discernible talent, it's an instant career injection. The second biggest? Dating an athlete. The third? Having a backside that could serve as a winter home for woodland creatures. The Kardashian deftly hits the trifecta. If she were to become engaged to Reggie Bush, it would at least give her some meaningful existence. It's much better than only being known as the dead O.J. lawyer's daughter who was backdoor-invaded by a lamprey-shlonged rap star on film.

    Surely, there are more Kardashians out there searching for their own Reggie Bush.

    So this week, I'm flicking my frenulum, opening a fresh bottle of Hawaiian Tropic, and placing odds on the next sex tape star to nab a professional athlete.

    Move your monitors to an obstructed angle before you click this more. More »

    3:15 PM on Fri Jan 4 2008
    By DAULERIO
    32,153 views, 53 comments

  • cultural oddsmaker

    Cultural Oddsmaker: III

    AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday ... well, the next two Fridays, anyway. Yes, after more than a year of goodness, Mr. Daulerio is retiring the Cultural Oddsmaker column at the beginning of 2008. There are now THREE left. Email him to let him know how much you'll miss him.
    Happy Friday and holiday season to you all. All 12 of you still at work. As a gift to you hard-working Jews and heathens, here's one of my favorite songs to listen to while typing with my face :

    a;lkdsfa;lfgkj;lsbkfj;lagijalksdjf.ad,vgmadljkal;kjasdlkadsfg;liafg;liulaadl;asdl;asd..ll;asd;lfl;adlaali;li;duli....

    YEAH!

    Odds and ends and other things after this little gray hyper-linked word... More »

    3:15 PM on Fri Dec 21 2007
    By DAULERIO
    11,390 views, 56 comments

    Latest by DennyCrane: @koivutoakill: Cmon it's lovely weather for cunilinguing with you....... more »

  • cultural oddsmaker

    Who'll Be The Next Playmate Of The Year?


    AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday ... well, that next four Fridays, anyway. Yes, after more than a year of goodness, Mr. Daulerio is retiring the Cultural Oddsmaker column at the beginning of 2008. There are now FOUR left. Email him to let him know how much you'll miss him.

    Greetings. It's week two of the great Cultural Oddsmaker countdown, and this will once again not attempt in any way shape or form hold up a mirror to professional sports culture. This is simply a venue for me to expose my id in three-dimensional high-def for all the world to see. And, of course, showcase my favorite emails. This week's selection comes courtesy of the CO spelling bee column, which resulted in a couple spirited missives like this:

    Richa Gupta getrich87@xxxx.net wrote:

    You're a jackass who's just jealous that these kids are about 1000 times as smart as you are. Your descriptions are unwarranted and your attempt at mockery is just sick. Find another outlet to express your excessive loathing for thirteen year old kids, and get a fucking life.

    Guptas. So sensitive.

    Anyway, this week's Oddsmaker will focus on Playboy magazine's "Playmate of the Year" coronation. If you haven't heard, the magazine is currently in the middle of its selection process to crown this year's Bunny queen. This is somewhat sports-related because, as we all know, professional athletes have a tendency to end up in relationships with these bouncy bundles of dim-witted fun. In addition to the odds on their POY-dom, I'll also include which athlete their destined to end up with, and, for added color and depth, the odds on their favorite sexual position.

    So, this week, I'm injecting my urethra with Deca-Durabolin, learning how to skin a rabbit (It is what it is — bunny-lovers beware), and calculating odds on the 2007 Playmate of the Year.

    Pictures of almost naked young ladies, after this brief commercial break:


    ....



    VAMANOS! More »

    3:15 PM on Fri Dec 14 2007
    By DAULERIO
    17,043 views, 106 comments

    Latest by LovelaceVsViennaSausage: @Chamomiles Davis: I thought it was Rerun, and that he'd just caught some horrible disease. more »

  • cultural oddsmaker

    Which Sports-Related Person Would Engage In A 2Girls1Cup-Type Video?

    AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday ... well, that next five Fridays, anyway. Yes, after more than a year of goodness, Mr. Daulerio is retiring the Cultural Oddsmaker column at the beginning of 2008. There are now FIVE left. Email him to let him know how much you'll miss him.

    So I'm thinking about how to end this column, all of the possibilities and subject areas that could be covered and how to make these last few weeks memorable: Should I steal Stuart Scott's eyeball? Should I break into Robert Weintraub's house and leave a knife on his bed? Should I borrow a red swimsuit and giant sunglasses to pose on a rooftop in Manhattan with the editor of n +1? No, I don't need the self-indulgent histrionics — nor the yeast infection. But, to commemorate this historic passing, there should some sort of tribute.

    Well, here's something: Starting today, each week, I'll share some of my favorite emails I've received in response to some of my work on Deadspin.

    Our first entry:

    SUBJECT: Are you kidding me?
    From:
    If anyone looks gay it's you. That picture of you looks extremely feminine! Pedro has been my best friend for over thirty years. He is happily married with three great kids. In over 22 years of reporting he has won numerous awards and is one of the most respected reporters among the players. I guess any idiot can write a column these days on the internet!

    Armando Hernandez

    From: AJ Daulerio
    Pedro who? What are you talking about?

    From: miamiarh@xxx.net
    Pedro Gomez, ESPN

    What else to expect over the next five weeks? I don't know. Most of the time there needs to be something relevant or newsy in the world of sports for these things to actually work. However, these are unique, evolutionary times, and apparently some writers need to pump up the page view count to continue to work here or else they're marched up to a sacrificial altar, painted blue and shown their still-beating hearts before their inevitable beheading.

    But, I assure you, that is not the reason for this column ending. Deadspin, HQ Gawker managers and floppy-haired hero Will Leitch have always treated me extremely well. I highly doubt there will ever be another employer who would let me expense illegal drugs during Super Bowl week, especially since my accounts were frozen by the IRS due to unpaid 2005 taxes. (Long story.)

    But I refuse to be nicknamed "Almost." So, over the next few weeks I will do my best to ensure maximum visibility for this here page. Or not. Shall we play a game?

    So this week, I'm breaking out the scat mat, washing off my gag-finge, and placing odds on the first sports-related person to be featured in a 2girls1cup-style video. (Not safe for work unless you work at an S&M dungeon or a poop factory. But 99 percent of you probably know that already.)

    Fuck it all and fuckin' no regrets More »

    3:15 PM on Fri Dec 7 2007
    By DAULERIO
    9,321 views, 66 comments

    Latest by josereyes.theroof wishes to perform Tim Harris's sack-dance for you: I watched that video link (from the comfort of home, today) & know now the splendour of two girls, a more »

  • cultural oddsmaker

    Who Will Tony Romo Date Next?


    AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.

    2007 is turning out to be the year of the Romo. Just 10 months removed from single-handedly ruining the Cowboys playoff run, he's bounced back. Enormously. So far this year, he's ripped through a couple of nubile ladies (Sophia Bush, Carrie Underwood), put up monster numbers and earned respect around the league, and in between signed a $67.4 million contract based on half a season's work. To top it off, the guy could go 15-1 this season and skate into the playoffs. Look at the rest of the Cowboys schedule: they've got Detroit, who've reverted back to vintage ineptitude, and the Carolina Panthers, who've somehow become a first-year expansion team again. The two toughest games they have left are with the Mighty Birds, who have been wildly inconsistent (or consistently mediocre) all year, and the Redskins, who even though are their most bitter rivals, now have a gaping hole in their ... strong safety.

    [dodges pitchfork]

    Moving on! Now, Romo's tapping Jessica Simpson, who unless is secretly moonlighting in Bolivian gang bang films, most likely still has a vagina that smells like a combination of "Very Vanilla" Little Tree car freshener and a baby's forehead. Sadly, this relationship is not going to last. Not that Romo's the second coming of Proust or anything, but regardless of how hot Simpson is, holding a conversation with her must be like talking to Gizmo : Oooh! Bright lights! Yum-Yum !

    So, he's not into librarians? Not a problem. A definite deal-breaker to be a Romo Girl is just skank-out dirty. Romo doesn't want a lady with a sullied reputation, one marred by sex tape videos or a body damaged by belly-button mashing pregnancies. No, he likes his ladies clean, untarnished — we're talking PSA grade 9.5 and above. The only question left to answer is...who's next?

    So this week, I'm putting on my hymen mask, readjusting my chastity belt, and placing odds on the next pretty pony to enter the Romo Corral.

    Push the button. More »

    3:13 PM on Fri Nov 30 2007
    By DAULERIO
    20,875 views, 111 comments

  • cultural oddsmaker

    What Group of People Will Phil Jackson Offend Next?


    AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.

    Los Angeles Lakers coach Phil Jackson caused a mini-firestorm this week when in his attempt at post-game humor, inadvertently offended a handful of homosexuals. Jackson was quoted as saying the Lakers' loss to the San Antonio Spurs was called a "Brokeback Mountain" game because of all the "penetration" and "kickouts." The beat writers got a laugh out of it. Gays? Not so much.

    Now, let me start by saying, I like the gays. I have one friend who's a full-blown gay, and plenty of friends I'm positive are repressed homos who I treat just like I would a real gay. For example, I wouldn't enter a communal shower with my buddy Carl without wearing an extra pair of underwear beneath my towel. That's why we call him "Princess Carl," "Cocklovin' Carl," "Captain Carl Rod-smoker," "Carl the Balloon Knot Inspector," among many other things. All in good fun, mind you. But this situation appears to be completely overblown. (No pun intended.)

    The Zen-huffing coach made a great point about why the joke went over so poorly. He acknowledged that in his profession this type of humor is frowned upon, and he half-heartedly apologized for his verbal misstep. (He even apologized to horses, presumably both gay and straight ones.) Regardless, you got the sense that there was more eye-rolling from Jackson than sincerity. At the start of what appears to be a shitty season full of Kobe-induced headaches and unfulfilled expectations, Jackson is indicating that he doesn't have time to deal with the P.C. police on top of everything else. Given his outward impatience and indifference to this issue, it's clear that he's not going to rethink anything that comes out of his mouth for the rest of the year — this is only the beginning.

    So, this week, I'm refreshing Towelroad every 10 minutes, spending $50 on a haircut, and placing odds on the next group of people Phil Jackson will offend this year.

    Let's go blow some sacred cows, after this page-view increasing click-through. More »

    3:15 PM on Fri Nov 16 2007
    By DAULERIO
    5,793 views, 81 comments

  • cultural oddsmaker

    Who Will Be Playboy's Sexiest Sportscaster In 2008?

    AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Feel free to email him your thoughts.

    Ladies who someday wish to grace the sidelines of a major sporting event, take heed: Your knowledge is primary, of course, but you'll also have to be somewhat attractive. This is not breaking news, mind you, but each year it seems more and more women are realizing that just because they know how to read box scores or can talk intelligently about a game, they're still required to be completely boneable to the drooling masses.

    Take Playboy's America's Sexiest Sportscaster award. Granted, it might be an honor that many female sportscasters don't necessarily aspire towards, but consider this: Playboy has no repeat nominees. So, each year, Hefner and company has to find a new batch of lady jock-yappers to be scrutinized by discerningPlayboy readers.

    One person who's obviously gotten the memo? Linda Cohn. In the last month, she's started blowing out her hair and finally seeing results from her Pilates classes. She's gone from looking like an elementary school special needs teacher to a substantially hotter elementary school special needs teacher. So, if you spot Cohn exiting the Bristol offices and a pack of screaming, limping kids wearing biking helmets are following her, don't' be alarmed: She's not being chased by zombies; she's just wearing Spanx.

    I am probably one of the last men on earth under the age of 50 who still has a Playboy subscription, so that's the only reason I'm aware of this contest. I still read the joke page even though I heard most of them when I was seven, and still look forward to each month's pseudo-celebrity photo spread. Take this month, where the holy haunches of Kim Kardashian are triumphantly unveiled. For the first time in a while, this is actually a photo spread that's worth the $8 newsstand charge. Those of you out there who are hiney-obsessed, you'll be overjoyed.

    But until Ms. Kardashian's bulbous bottom starts interviewing athletes and coaches, she's not up for the award.

    So this week, I'm cashing in my Sephora gift certificate, dusting off my inner-outer thigh machine and placing odds on some of the nominees for Playboy's Sexiest Sportscaster of 2008.

    Let's deform my face, then shake my skull cap. MORE. More »

    3:15 PM on Fri Nov 9 2007
    By DAULERIO
    16,962 views, 107 comments