Deadspin
You know, it just wouldn't be the Internet without Roger Clemens steroids rumors. It's like they make the place whole.
As Clemens — pictured here, inevitably, with Emmylou Harris — works out to show various teams he's worth $15 million, the old rumors about him being busted for steroids — whose debunking were memorably chronicled by Sports Illustrated — are popping back up again.
It's the Jordan Suspended For Gambling Theory this time. From a reader:
Roger Clemens was given a 50 game suspension for steroids. Many interested parties thought it would be best if that information was not released publicly for obvious reasons (P.R. already has their hands full with Barry Bonds.) He says he will decide in three weeks, but his agent says he could decide in 10 days (that's when Astros have played their 50th game). You'll see him in the Cardinals series ...
God we love conspiracy theories. The Web, it's the Wild West, we tell you! No rules!
Clemens Ponders Future [USA Today]
Anatomy Of A Rumor [SI.com]
Comments
I feel for EmmyLou. She's now guilty by association.
Anyone catch Jason Whitlock on PTI yesterday? Yes, he was his usual useless, self-involved tub of lard (in his defense, I think he went the whole show without mentioning that he played football with Jeff George) - that's beside the point. He said that Clemens is "just waiting for this whole steroid thing to blow over" before he returns to baseball. What does that mean? Does it mean that Clemens is waiting out a controversy that involves him, or just the overall steroid controversy in baseball? If it's the latter, does that mean Clemens will be back, but not until the 2021 season? In short, Whitlock SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS.
the jordan gambling suspension is NOT a theory, it is fact
Good to see that Whitlock is practicing responsible journalism. Waht a putz.
I also read in SI that Clemens was warming up for his comeback by throwing batting practice to his son's high school baseball team. Can you imagine being a kid on that fucking team? Having to face that in practice? I'd poop in Koby's Hummer.
I thought Roger retired because they killed his dad over gambling debts. No?
You're with me, Cruella.
Whitlock is better than Kornheiser, the most intolerable shitmouth ever to breathe on God's green earth.
I don't think Roger was suspended for steroids. I do think he was doing them.
roy, i changed the channel as soon as he proposed that theory, he really is a professional reacher
If Emmylou Harris pitched as good as she sang, she would be Sandy freaking Koufax.
I love conspiracy theories. And - like any right-thinking person - I hate Roger Clemens. I promised myself I wouldn't do this... *sniffle*
I'd also like credit for resisting the urge to unleash a... "You're with me, silver fox."
Gasface - tell us how you really feel.
gasface, you are completely out of your mind
Whitlock literally put me to sleep last night. I woke up an hour later, slightly disoriented but better off for having napped than watched that crap.
Gasface Whitlock is better than Kornheiser, the most intolerable shitmouth ever to breathe on God's green earth. 1) It is not possible to start a sentence with "Whitlock is better than..." and have that sentence be true. He has, without any doubt, risen further in this world with the least amount of talent in any field, anywhere. He sucks it long, hard and with remarkable endurance. He's a loudmouth, race baiting douche. I hate him with the white hot passion of a thousand suns. 2) I don't even have a number two, I'm so fucking angry with you.
Yeah and Mother Teresa sucked at poker. --Suss
As soon as I saw it was Whitlock, I changed the channel yesterday. I completely support the TiVo pass function that can analyze to see if Wilbon and Tony K. are off. I swear the put the subs in just to make us appreciate them more. Oh and as for Clemens, if I were an HS player taking BP from Clemens, I am only hitting weak grounders as so not to take anything remotely inside.
Koby's Hummer jokes?Check Whitlock is fat jokes?Check Clemens is a meathead joke?Check You're with me, jokes?Check Well I can see this post is taken care of and that i have nothing to add. On to the next one people.
How weak is to to sit around for half a season to see if the team's going to go to the playoffs before joining? Sounds like somebody wants to shed his post-season rep.
Roy, you also neglected the fact that Whitlock is 400 lbs. but has the hands of an 8-year-old girl. Even Daunte Culpepper's hands aren't that miniscule. His penis must be inverted.
Sorry, Whitlock is no prize, but Kornheiser is much worse. Bill Walton is arguably on par with Kornheiser, though. And while Whitlock has race baited in his day, he actually comes up with some unexpected opinions on race from time to time. Not to overstate my feelings for Whitlock. Furthermore, Roy Keane, how can you not hate Kornheiser with his unbelievable myopic opinions on soccer? He's at least as bad. And that's final. UM- you just like him cause he's from DC.
Let me be the first to spread this rumor: The MLB knew about Bonds roiding, but they allowed him to stay in the league so long as he stopped running and tried to strike out a little bit more.
Oh Gasface, you seem like good people, so we'll just agree to disagree. As for you, Big Daddy Drew, I never noticed the hands...but, if true, that's really funny. It must be madding to only have those tiny digits with which to stuff Oreos in his ginormous word hole.
Okay, if you don't appreciate Walton by now, you're really missing out. The guy has become a self-mocking font of comic genius. And if you don't think listening to Kornheiser describe his myopic opinions (the only two words you got right) on soccer are hilarious, you have no sense of humor. What do you want from sportscasters? A whole world of Mike Celizics and Skip Baylesses? God forbid someone have fun with, you know, sports.
gasface, you just happen to be completely wrong every time comment
Let's be honest. Tony K is a gasbag. But he is a lovable one at that. I think he's great, but his shtick tires me sometimes. Jason Whitlock, on the other hand, is about as lovable as anthrax.
Sorry for the segway, but does anyone have an opinion on this fantasy baseball trade: Vernon Wells for John Papelbon? I didn't know who else to ask.
Gasface? More like Assface. Oh, snap.
silver lining speaks the truth
Why is Roger ready to punch poor Emmylou in the face? And with a smile to boot? Must be 'roid rage. Oh, and Whitlock is hyper-dextrous: he can actually use his feet to help stuff additional Oreos in his ginormous word hole.
Like Walton or hate him, he's simply better at life on this planet than nearly anyone else. The only person I can think of that's close is Jesse Ventura--Navy SEAL, pro-wrestler, Governor of Minnesota?? Who puts together a resume like that??
People people people. Is it really possible to say that the bray of one jackass is worse than the other because it has a slightly different timbre? I admit to only a passing familiarity with Jason Whitlock, so I can't comment on exactly how much he is like a retarded hippo (beyond the obvious). But I will say this: Tony Kornheiser is possibly the most insufferable human being on the planet. I'll never know how he is able to occupy virtually the entire day on DC sports radio -- they repeat the same goddamn show after it just aired, in case you missed the one nugget of actual sports analysis. This is a guy who basically prides himself on being an antisocial asshole -- "Don't invite me to your stupid event, 'cause I won't come!" is typical -- and he is absolutely without cleverness or entertainment value. I'm sorry, but if you like to hear about how Tony can't figure out how to set the fucking clock on his new Caddy -- for ten minutes...with callers calling in to offer assistance...and nary a producer piping up to state the obvious (namely, "Read the fucking manual, you dolt!") -- then I don't ever want to hang out with you.
Papelbon would be the way to go...as a yankee fan, that hurts to say...
Trade Vernon Wells for Papelbon? Let's analyze this Nick Backay (sp?) style: HITS FOR AVERAGE - edge Wells HITS FOR POWER - edge Wells SPEED - edge Wells SAVES - Papelbon ERA - Papelbon Ks - Papelbon URINE THAT CURES CANCER - Papelbon GOD-LIKE POWERS TO LEVITATE OBJECTS - Papelbon THIRD COMING OF JESUS CHRIST - Papelbon CREATOR OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE UNIVERSE - Papelbon ABLE TO BRING PEACE TO DARFUR - Papelbon SAVAGE FURY - Papelbon ABILITY TO CALCULATE 15% TIP IN HIS HEAD - Papelbon I'd go with Papelbon. Wells is good too, though.
Silver Lining: No, I don't expect sportcaster to be members of Mensa. I will not justify my sense of humor to you if you find the smarmy, quasi-retarded drawl of Bill Walton or the frenetic, grating, and facile ramblings of Tony Kornhole the least bit enjoyable. But hey, youre free to like them if you want pal. UM, sorry I'm "wrong every time comment". By the way, are YOU Tony Kornheiser? You've got the smarmy thing down. Captain Caveman, I hope you had a good year in fourth grade.
Whitlock molests little children...and then eats them.
It's because EmmyLou stole his ring.
Roy Keane: word. Silver Lining: please teach me more about exactly what is, you know, funny sometime. UM: Sorry I've been "wrong every time comment". I'll try to improve by following your example. Caveman: I hope that in fifth grade they take away your computer.
Jason Whitlock looks like he ate Mo Vaughn.
Silver Lining: The difference between Walton and Kornheiser is that Walton's schtick is obviously tongue in cheek. He always ramps up the bombast and derision when there are more people paying attention. In addition to the fact that Kornheiser does not seem to care if anyone is paying attention, he is simply not entertaining, and I defy you to support your point about his soccer humor. For my own example, this article was basically the same thing that Tony covered on his radio show (why come up with different material?). He makes the stunningly incisive, why-didn't-I-think-of-that point that the lockout really hurt the NHL's popularity. But beyond the triviality of that observation, his best stab at humor was this:
And if you think he was being ironically self-deprecating, he wasn't. He spent about five minutes of airtime patting himself on the back for coming up with "Gurtles." He thought it was pretty hilarious. If someone did the same thing on Deadspin, I'd hope Will would suspend or possibly revoke his commenting privileges.i have papelbon, this guy who has wells wants him. i've got wagner, otsaka, and bk ryan as back ups for saves, but none produce like papelbon. this guy has thome, maybe that would be a better trade rather than wells?
smarmy, is that another word for jewish? there is nothing facile about the ramblings of tk
Rectum: For someone with such unmitigated loathing of TK, sounds to me like you do spend some time listening to his show. You've got the details down pat. And you do get that the anti-social ass persona is merely his shtick, right? Jesus, I need to get out more; I've been reduced to a Tony Kornheiser apologist.
Gasface is an assfact. Hey-o!
of course i meant assface. fuck my fingers.
oh and anybody who takes me seriously should probably be medicated
4th grade -- I believe that was the year I learned to detect irony.
Some words I never want to see on Deadspin ever again: "myopic" "facile" "inverted penis". mostly because i had to look a couple of them up in the dictionary.
Haha... you said assface.
Jesus UM (no pun intended), no one cares that you're Jewish. At least I don't. Is that your Jason Whitlock "race baiting" imitation? Gasface rests. Peace out.
"ABLE TO BRING PEACE TO DARFUR - Papelbon" Ahh, so the Congress got Papelbon to go over there with Clooney and solve that thing, huh?
Siobhan, I have on occasion been reduced to listening to the show. Particularly around NCAA tournament time, I listened to a lot of sports radio. Thankfully I've avoided TK since then, although the rest of those knuckleheads continue to drive me crazy every time I turn it on. Speaking of which, in an effort to preserve the peace -- I know Gasface, and he's one of the best and funniest people you'll ever want to meet -- can I ask who people's favorite radio sports guy is? I haven't heard Bob Valvano a whole lot, since I'm not usually rocking sports radio at 3 am, but he sounded pretty reasonable and not full of shit.
"Jason Whitlock "race baiting" imitation?" OH MY GOD YOU ACTUALLY GOT THE JOKE!!! gold star for you!
rectum- there's a reason valvano's on at 3am and you'll be glad to know tony's show is on haitus until he gets fired from MNF for disparaging Chris Berman.
No one has said a single thing about Dan LeBatard. I'm stunned.
Rectum: What are you going to do during Monday Night Football? Watch the games with the MUTE on? I guess your other alternative would be Marv Albert and Boomer Esaisen on AM radio. But that would be trading in one pile of shit for another. You might have to invest in a satellite radio if you haven't already. I know I am. Klotz: I think assfact is actually funnier. Caveman: Damn you crack me up every fuckin time you post (maybe it's because I smoke the pot when I read DS). UM: I think Jews are the tops.
Deal, Rectum. Lessee, seems to me that most of these radio sports guys are inveterate gas bags (many are grade-A douchebags too, not coincidentally). I can't ID a favorite. But I will tell you whom I can't stand to listen to - John Thompson. Awful. As far as I can tell, there are 2 possible explanations: 1. Early onset Alzheimers 2. Mid-day drunkenness Close second is Dan Patrick. Just thinking about his turgid, over-wrought delivery makes ME need a mid-day drink.
dude, you love jews and pot my online soul mate!!!
Can't we all go back to Skip Bayless and Colin Cowherd bashing. Those are the ties that bind us! And for the record I like TK and Whitlock and Walton -- and everything everyone has said here about them all is true -- and I still like them.
siobhan- you just described every reason why john thompson makes me laugh...yeah he's bad, but he's studio help is even worse
You're with me, Assface.
Siobhan, as a SportsTalk 980 listener, it's pretty clear to me that someone, at some point, replaced John Thompson's frontal lobe with a very large sack of flour. The Dude, did you just disparage Marv Albert? I'll bite you in the back for that.
Clearly Deadspin commenters are not the target market for sports radio personalities. UM, I'll probably watch the four good MNF games in a bar where I can't hear the announcers anyway. I can't wait until they bring in Whitlock in 2009.
Gasface: Peace out? Doing the third person thing? Good lord. Your room to be critical is now measured in nanometers.
UM - what the feck is the matter with doc walker? he seems, well, retarded most of the time.
his not he's...good lord i need a nap