Deadspin
Good news! The new Jesus sports statues are in, still piping hot from the kiln and ready for shipping over at Catholic Shopper.com. But unlike in previous versions in which He was smack dab in the action, Our Lord and Savior seems content to kibitz from the sidelines this time, refusing to get directly involved even when little Tommy takes an obvious dive in soccer, or when young Billy drags a defender for a first down in football. Hey Christ, ever hear of 'in the grasp?' Blow the freakin' whistle!
Our favorite is the one on the bottom right, in which Jesus explains to Jimmy why Sally must be allowed to play in their youth baseball league. Who better than Christ to detail the ramifications of Title IX?
These sculptured wonders are all pretty swell, as far as they go. But we thought we'd throw in our own entry, based on recent troubling events:
No, not even divine intervention could save the Cowboys on Saturday (Christ seems to be saying "I give up"). This is just a prototype, but if Catholic Shopper gets a move-on, they could be ready in time for the 2007 holidays. And what better present for the Cowboys fan on your Christmas or Hannukah list? We mean, besides poison or a noose?
Jesus Inspirational Sports Statues [Catholic Shopper.com]
Comments
Where's Jesus with Chris Sabo? I'd buy that, and I don't even care for the guy.
Christ seems to be saying "I give up"
Or "Just crucify me!"
If Jesus isn't careful, the little yellow and red hockey player is going to elbow him in his nads.
I'm waiting for the new line...Jesus with the coaches...leading with Jesus with Nick Saban and the "kissing" fans
I want the Jesus playing blackjack figurine. If you look closely, he's giving the "hit" signal on 17.
The "I give up" Jesus would be more fitting next to our new SHOTY champion.
kind of a dick move to be blocking #6's shot like that huh?
Jesus hates black people. And Latinos.
Damn, I was hoping for 'Hockey dad Jesus' complete with Jesus stabbing another parent with a skate blade.
I also would have settled for a statue of Jesus spearing Darcy Tucker.
Drop kick me, Jesus, through the goal-posts of life.
I find it amusing that athletes always thank God for their talents whenever they have a great game. Tony Romo would go down in sports history as the greatest of all time if he would of said "Jesus made me fumble"
Kinda looks like Jesus is about to fornicate with the youngster in the basketball statue. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
So, if they pull the camera a bit farther back at the U-FIU fight, would be see Jesus egging Ned on?
I'm waiting for the "Jesus Helps Little Boomer Fingerbang a Stripper" sculpture.
Jesus teaching D on the low post? I can buy that. But a girl playing baseball? I'm calling bullshit.
The Jesus hockey figurine tried preaching to the kids and got 2 minutes for obstruction-interference.
Where is the 'Jesus showing Sean Salisbury a picture of lil Jesus on his cell phone' statue?
Jesus hates black people. And Latinos.
I thought the same thing. Jesus is a racist.
and still no 'moving pick on god (shammgod)' tag.. sad
would be see
We. Would we see.
if they pull the camera a bit farther back at the U-FIU fight, would be see Jesus egging Ned on?
289!
Denis, maybe he can spear Tie Domi too
You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus.
you really owe it to yourself to go and look at the rest of the lineup on that website.
fucking hilarious
Kinda looks like Jesus is about to fornicate with the youngster in the basketball statue. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Jesus is also cozy with the golfer and the gymnasts.
I like the skiing one. Jesus doesn't need skis, he walks on snow!
The one with Jesus showing the boy how to swing a bad reminds me of the pinball scene in Bad Santa
The Tuna wept.
You know, a few years ago, I'm bettin' for sure you'd have had a Buckner one lined up. And, actually, that's a good start for some more statues based on real-life events:
1. Buckner statue (God giggling in background as ball goes through legs)
2. Tuck Rule Snow Bowl statue (God in snow suit?)
3. Scott Norwood Super Bowl statue (God blowing really hard as the kick goes up)
4. Chris Webber Michigan Final 4 statue (God whispering to Webber to call timeout)
5. Jeffrey Maier statue (with God giving Derek Jeter a thumbs up sign)
Any other ideas? I bet you we can hit 25, easy...
So the Cowboys really are God's team?
DLemeiux: I'd rather use the skate blade to trim Tie Domi's eyebrows, those things are tough to look at
it wasn't brett hull's skate in the crease, it was Jesus'!
i love the kid taking down jesus during the handoff. great penetration on the play but who calls a blitz against JESUS?
If you look at the rest of the figures, there is one for biking/rollerblading only the kids are doing it on grass! First he walks on water then he rollerblades on grass. Is there anything this guy isn't good at? Besides carpentry.
Cute little figurines, but I hope Jesus isn't watching over me when I play my favorite sport.
In other news, my favorite sport is the One Man Tug-O-War, I play at least once a day.
Is jesus pulling the "reach around" on the golf one? I always knew it was a higher power that invented that move. Thank you Jesus.
who calls a blitz against JESUS?
The jews.
It looks to me like Jesus is about to give "Defender-dragging Football Billy" a nice "Good game. See you in the showers" pat on the ass.
Sorry Diddly, our moms won't let us play football.
Not that they aren't all a little creepy, but the Jesus and the Gymnasts and the Jesus and the Ballerinas statues portray a Christ who, if he isn't careful, is going to be caught by a Dateline pedo sting some day.
The Preakness: In order to renew the faith of a bunch of horny old women, Jesus breaks BBBB's ankle.
SHOTY: Jesus helps BBBB beat Carl Monday and Berman by making all vote repeatedly.
I want one of Jesus videotaping Marv Albert biting a hooker's back.
Pity da fool: I immediately think of Diego Maradona's "Hand of God" goal (naturally, God is also punching the ball in the goal.)
How does Jesus run in flip-flops? That's the real miracle...
Just a quick consumer advocate note: don't buy the knock-offs, or you get stuck with Matty or Felipe.
Oh, and I want one of Jesus at a poker table...
I want the "Devil whispering 'you can catch it!' to Steve Bartman" figurine.
who calls a blitz against JESUS?
Judas didn't pick up the safety coming from the edge.
Bravo, I Am Eaten. Bravo.
If Moses wasn't on the IR, he would of had a HUGE lane to run through
Oh, and I want one of Jesus at a poker table...
Here you go, TSW.
I'll take fifty, please.
Is there anything this guy isn't good at? Besides carpentry.
Jesus, the Bad Carpenter.
Apparently, yes.
but who calls a blitz against JESUS?
Also, the Ottomans.
It's Catholic Shopper, Dweeze; Jesus would be playing bingo.
*sorry, Dweeze didn't request the poker, TSW did.
Hey, it's pasty white Jesus again! Just like everyone else in the Middle East, really.