Deadspin: Baseball

Bewildering Moments In Cinema: The Baseball Scene In 'Twilight'

Rick Chandler — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 14:45:30 EST

OK, who didn't know that vampires love baseball? Somehow during my extensive vampire research, which included the movies Interview With The Vampire, the Coppola version of Dracula and of course this, this fact never came up. Fortunately Twilight is here to set me straight.

You know Twilight: The movie that has made $800 billion since Friday, $10.75 of it mine. Most of it was incomprehensible, due to me not being a 14-year-old girl. But then, suddenly, came this scene , where the vampires gather in an empty field, choose sides (with uniforms, as you can see in the photo) and get it on!

Instead of me trying to describe this perplexing moment in cinema, I'm going to leave it to you. Did you see Twilight? Are you a baseball fan? Send me a one- or two-paragraph review of the baseball scene in the movie, and I'll post the best one Monday. That way people won't have to waste their money on the rest of the movie just to see that scene. So can you help me out here? Thanks.

Squealing Fans Gather For Midnight Opening Of Twilight [San Jose Mercury]

Rinku And Dinesh Hit Big Time, Will Soon Be Rolling In Rupees

Rick Chandler — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 17:00:15 EST

Remember Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel, the Indian teenagers who had a tryout for Major Leage Baseball scouts a few weeks back? The pitchers flew to California to work out in San Francisco and then show their stuff at USC, with the hopes of landing a major league contract. Crazy, right? Neither had even played baseball before last year. Well, one team bit. The MLB team to sign BOTH players to minor league contracts is ...

Your Pittsburgh Pirates.

Walkoff Walk has been following this story from the beginning, and heralds the glorious news, which Yahoo Japan was the first to report. Surprsingly there is nothing about it on Rinku and Dineh's blog, Our Baseball Yatra. There is, however, this entry from Rinku:

JB sir explained to us today about the mind tricking us. He say that brain trick body to do bad sometimes. What we have to do is learn to say no to our brains and tell our arms to just throw. We need no excuses in our mind. Just do our best and rewards will come.

He ask us what we would do if we were throwing Javelin against man who throw farther than our best throw… We then realize that we trick our body to think we can do better than our best to beat other man. That was good way to show us and we understand much better now.

We want to pitch very good. We are working so hard and we are told that we may sign contract next week. When that is true it will be the best day of our lives!

Congratulations guys, and welcome to the most successful franchise in all of American baseball!

UPDATE: From Dinesh's blog:

We then went to a movie that was very bad called Rock and Rolla. it was supposed to be big action, but it was no action at all. At least the seats were very comfortable and the theater was very clean.

Non-NPB News: Pittsburgh Sign Indian Pitchers [NPB Tracker]
Baseball Yatra Is Great Success: Pirates Sign Rinku And Dinesh [Walkoff Walk]

Experience The Fun Of Minnesota's U.S. Senate Election Recount With The St. Paul Saints

Rick Chandler — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 13:15:52 EST

Here's comedian and senatorial candidate Al Franken throwing out the first pitch at a St. Paul Saints game earlier this season. It was a wise move on Mr. Franken's part, considering that the Saints' attendance that day was 12,450, and he's currently trailing in his U.S. Senate recount with Norm Coleman by only 136 votes. This appearance may have won him the election. At any rate, the Saints are proudly mocking the situation with their first promotional giveaway of the season: The Franken-Coleman Recount Doll (as seen below).

Due to the citizens of the Northstar State being unable to fill in an oval with a No. 2 pencil, the U.S. Senate race between Coleman and Franken is deadlocked at 42 percent each, facilitating a recount. With a little less than 50 percent of the ballots re-tabulated, Coleman's lead is down to 136 votes. And so the Saints, an Independent American Association baseball team, have their first promotional idea for the 2009 season.

The figurine will consist of one head with Coleman’s face on one side and Franken’s on the other. The body of the doll features that of the famous Sesame Street Count (Count von Count) with a suit, bow tie and cape. The head will spin reminding fans of the dizzying experience that has been this state’s U.S. Senate race.

"We realize that by the time we hand these out in May, the election will, hopefully, be decided," Saints director of media relations Sean Aronson told Deadspin. "But fans are going to want these as collector's items, just as in past promotions. We also came up with the Senator Larry Craig Bobbleleg Doll during the offseason."

Yes, that was a classic.

The first 2,500 fans through the gates on May 23 for the Saints game against the Sioux Falls Canaries will get a doll, with me right behind on eBay. There will also be a coloring competition where the winner will be the person who can correctly color inside of an oval shaped object. And following the third inning, no matter the score, the Saints will claim victory.

Of course the whole reason this race is tied in the first place is due to Independent Senate candidate Dean Barkley, who siphoned off 12 percent of the vote. Barkley had this to say about the Saints' promotion:

“The Saints have really outdone themselves with this one. I am glad, however, they decided not to make this a talking doll. Norm-Al will look great on someone’s shelf — silently.”

Awesome. Let's just skip the other two and put him in.

Saints Will "Re"Count Coleman-Franken Race [St. Paul Saints]
Day 3: Recount Resumes With Coleman Still In Lead [Minnesapolis Star Tribune]

Jim Leyritz Will Soldier On Somehow

Rick Chandler — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 11:30:52 EST

You no doubt recall the legal trouble facing Jim Leyritz, the former Yankee who is free on bail pending his DUI manslaughter trial. Leyritz is accused of being involved in an accident while driving drunk, in which a young mother was killed. Well, last week Leyritz asked a judge to remove a Breathalyzer device from his car because it was "bothersome."

Leyritz has to keep the device in his car as a condition of his release. But this is a hardship, according to his lawyers.

From the New York Post:

"He cannot leave the car with a valet, because it cannot be started by the valet," his lawyers said in a statement. And he "can't eat things like chicken Marsala," said his ex-wife, Karri, because certain foods cause false positives.

No valet parking at fine Italian restaurants? Damn it ... do the courts not have one ounce of human decency?

Leyritz: Toss Breathalyzer [New York Post]

Meet The Only Professional Pitcher Who Has Seen 'High School Musical' Eight Times

Rick Chandler — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 13:00:41 EST

I don't know; the whole thing sounds a little sketchy to me. But let's take it from the top: Eri Yoshida, a 16-year-old schoolgirl, has been drafted by the Kobe 9 Cruise, a new independent Japanese professional league based in Tokyo. It will be the first time that a chick of the female persuasion will play professional ball with the men in Japan. Also, the unfortunate arrangement of nouns and verbs on this site also makes it sound like the Red Sox, Yankees and Tigers (!) are interested in her. Not likely. Now if you would have said Giants or Padres ...

"I never dreamed of getting drafted," Yoshida told reporters Monday, a day after she was selected to play for the Kobe 9 Cruise. "I have only just been picked by the team and have not achieved anything," she said. "I want to play as a pro eventually in a higher league."

Yoshida is 5-foot-5, 114 pounds, and says she wants to follow in the footsteps of Red Sox knuckleballer Tim Wakefield, the first time that sentence has been uttered in any language. Of course she reminds me more of Gogo Yubari from Kill Bill.

Schoolgirl Knuckleballer Headed To Japan Pro League [Yahoo News]

Lenny Dykstra's Financial Acumen Called Into Question (Again)

Dashiell Bennett — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 11:30:33 EST

Did that Lenny "Wally Wall Street" Dykstra story from yesterday seem a little fishy? (And familiar?) Well yes, his troubles with a few of his business partners have been well documented, but those were just friendly disagreements over strategy and don't really change the fact that the guy is filthy rich from playing the stock market. Surely, his perfect record of winning choices will hold up under greater scrutiny right? Well, Adam Warner of Daily Options Reports wrote to us to share some thoughts about that:

Here's the gist of his strategy. He buys options that don't expire for at least 6 month's. He books wins very quickly. He keeps doubling and redoubling losers. And never actually realizes a loss until an option expires. He started this round on Opening day of baseball, so he's only 7 month's into it. His losers are likely in the pipeline still as the market carnage was in the fall.

Now keep in mind also that because of the nature of the strategy, the losers utterly dwarf the winners by a magnitude of 40:1 and higher. So if he has as few as 3 losers in there, he's down on the year. And I suspect he has many more.

Keep in mind also, there's no capital allocation limits. He can buy and buy and buy, so unlike every other financial strategy, there's no return on capital that we can calculate.

I have no idea what that guy just said, but it sounds bad. Look, I got a 1.5 in "Concepts in Macroeconomics" in college. I blog for a living. Are you really going to turn to me for sound financial analysis? Or a guy with a .285 lifetime average?

Investing Legends: Where Are They Now? [Daily Options Report]

Lenny Dykstra For Secretary Of The Treasury

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 17:30:25 EST

It goes without saying that now is not a particularly strong time to be in the stock market. I believe the entire NASDAQ exchange can be had for approximately $42 and a sandwich, but buying it somehow starts foreclosure proceedings on your home. (Finance is complicated.) There is one man, however, who is not afraid to take the bull by the horns and make Gordon Gekko look like a day trader playing with tooth fairy money. Meet your new broker—Mr. Leonard Kyle Dykstra.

Since retiring from baseball over a decade ago, Lenny has opened a chain of car washes that he sold for $52 million (what?), started a magazine that tells rich athletes how to spend their money (seriously?), and launched his own investment newsletter that charges subscribers $1,000 a year to receive his personal advice (excuse me?). But we haven't got to the crazy part yet. His "Nails on the Numbers" stock picks are 83-0 and following them yourself would have earned you $200,000.

"He has become adroit at picking stocks, famously so, in part because he had a big investment nearly wiped out in an economic downturn in 2002. The $2 million he had in his account had dwindled to $400,000.

"So I go to Wally Wall Street with his G.G. suspenders ... Gordon Gekko," Dykstra explains. "Remember him? 'Greed is good.' Great movie. So I ask, 'What happened to my money, bro? ... And I had no idea what he was talking about," says Dykstra. "It was humiliating. And I decided then and there that this would never happen to me again. I got 30 of these financial newsletters and I studied every one of them."

Dykstra also claims ("by his own accounting") to be worth $64 million dollars. He has also been sued by a few folks for not paying his bills, but that's just the cost of doing business, right? He's too busy picking out china patterns for the dishes on his private jet to worry about that crap. (The key word is "classy.") You could try attending one of his investment seminars, but let's face it—if you're not a former pro athlete you're kind of wasting your time. "You have to have chips to play in the game," he says.

Seriously, we have to get this guy in the Obama cabinet. Then we hand him a Louisville Slugger and send him downtown to give Wally Wall Street a little "investment advice" upside his pretty boy, Ivy League head. I got your recovery package right here!

Former Phillie Dykstra living high-flying life of an entrepreneur [Philly Daily News]

1. Get Hit In Groin With Baseball, 2. Scream In Agony, 3. Profit

Rick Chandler — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 12:20:48 EST

We now know the going rate for volunteering to be hit in the nuts by a pitching machine baseball: 1 million bucks. Not that Lhyvann Felipe volunteered, exactly. The unfortunate fellow, who was nailed in a batting cage while picking up baseballs, was awarded $1.2 million last week by a Miami jury consisting of five women and seven nervous, fidgeting, cross-legged men.

Lhyvann got $160,000 for medical expenses and $1 million "for pain and suffering." That's what happens when you buy your pitching machines at the Shea Stadium auction.

Lhyvann Felipe, who was 19 years old at the time, was hit in the groin by a 60 mph pitch, said his attorney, Gabriel M. Sanchez. He was hospitalized several days later. The ball struck him after an employee asked him to go back into the batting cage to help pick up the balls.

When the machines defeat humans and finally take over, I would expect them to be robots, or possibly ATMs. I never would have guessed the pitching machines.

Man Hit In Groin At Batting Cage Awarded $1.2 Million [USA Today]
Batting Cage Machine With Mind Of Its Own Fires Ball Into Man’s Groin; Man Collects $1.2 Million [The Big Lead]

Diamondbacks Lay Off Dozens of Employees (Not Including Adam Dunn)

Tuffy — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 16:35:13 EST

The purge of off-field employees has started in earnest this Credit Crunch offseason, with the Arizona Diamondbacks releasing 31 employees (around 10% of the entire front office), mostly from the broadcast side of the business as a result of selling all their games to Fox Sports Arizona. Yet again, the tight economy has been given as the reason for the cuts.

We look forward to a litany of tightened belts, crunched credits, and efficiencies explored throughout the next calendar year, especially now that someone's gone first with layoffs. However, beware attempts by owners and leagues to blame everything on the credit crisis, liquidity, and other bogeymen. Just remember that some teams didn't want to spend their own money when credit was good, either.

UPDATE: NASCAR's hanging in there nicely, thanks for asking Brian France.

D-Backs cut 31 employees from front office [Arizona Republic]

Beckett, Lester Take Aim at Charity (and Pull Trigger)

Tuffy — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 14:05:19 EST

Josh Beckett, putative Red Sox ace, believes the best charity comes at the end of a shotgun. Therefore, he has gathered all his rowdy friends (including fellow hurler Jon Lester-Who-Once-Had-Cancer, comedian Bill Engvall, and singer Troy Gentry) to his ranch this weekend, where they will hold the first annual Rusty Baker and Josh Beckett Hunt for Charity with all food earmarked for food banks and all money raised from the charity tourney headed to other charities.

You're lucky this is Tuffy-Who-Only-Writes-in-the-Same-Person-as-Leitch, or else we'd subject you to a 3,000-word fever dream about the Rick Ankiel Fishing for Charity extravaganza we once dreamed we were on.

(We, on the other hand, never get tired of that pic. That's the guy Cubs fans are supposed to hate?)

Break Out the Deer Sausage! [Out in Center Field]

Stat Nerd Better At Predicting Elections Than Predicting The NL East

Dashiell Bennett — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 10:45:00 EST

If you're a seamhead, you know Nate Silver as the Baseball Prospectus geek who has probably forgotten more about algorithms than you and I will ever know. He invented the PECOTA projection system, which predicted Tampa Bay's first 90-win season way back in February when the ~~Devil~~ Rays were still the laughing stock of the AL East. If you're a policy wonk, you may also know him as the geek behind FiveThirtyEight, which has done for political polling what BP has done for your fantasy team—and has been scarily accurate about the results of this year's elections.

Shortly before Tuesday's vote, Chief Numba-Cruncher posted his final prediction for the 2008 Presidential Election: Barack Obama would win the election with 52.3% of the popular vote, while John McCain would collect 46.2%. The final vote tally as of this morning? Obama 52.4%. McCain 46.2%. One-hundred-and-twenty million votes were cast and the dude was off by one-tenth of one percent. (He also called 49 of the 50 stats correctly.) Holy. Crap.

Now, he's talking franchise! Silver hopes to expand his secret voodoo magic and apply it to other projects like smaller congressional races, movie box office numbers, and the odds of you getting that blonde girl's phone number tomorrow night. I predict he will soon be rolling in cash and math groupies.

Of course, he (i.e., Prospectus) had the World Champion Phillies finishing third in their division this year, so you really never can tell with these things.

Election Web Sites Plot to Hold Their Viewers [WSJ, via Gawker]
Presidential Fantasy League: An interview with Nate Silver [ESPN]
The Popular Vote [FiveThirty Eight]
2008 AL & NL Projections [Baseball Prospectus]

World Series Game One Live Blog: Phillies At Rays

Matt Sussman — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 19:55:00 EDT

Playoff baseball in Florida. Just as Abner Doubleday foretold in his hallucinations. It begins right now as Cole "Settled In" Hamels and Scott "Dialed In" Kazmir will pitch. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver will tell you what you already knew on the Fox broadcast. And this piece? Well, I call it "Lick My Love Jump."

* * *

Bottom 9th

3 2

It's after midnight, so it's time for bed, children. Thanks for clicking and typing and refreshing. But mostly refreshing. I'll see every one of you (metaphorically, until Gawker's tech guys can install reverse cameras in the website) here tomorrow.

12:01 — Pedro Feliz trips backward into the foul pop fly, which he appropriately catches. (It's always "appropriate" when some guy gets the final out. Lidge saves the day yet again, and the Philbins are now 6-0 in Deadspin Live Blogs. This is starting to get weird.

11:59 — Tim calls Lidge's slider away a "cement mixer." That gives him a delightful idea for a new mixed drink. Two parts scotch, one part rosin, and stirred using a Spirograph.

11:58 — Evan Longoria goofily lunges at his third strike. Off you go.

11:55 — Brad Lidge 2.0 starts the inning off properly with a third strike that Peña can only admire.

Commercial Break

Let's see if WebMD has the answers I need ... [types in "satan raped me"] Hmm ... that doesn't help me too much.

Top 9th

11:51 — Ah, a pop to second won't move anyone home. Lidge's margin of error remains fragile.

11:49 — Bruntlett has the stubble power of Matt Stairs, but clearly his biscuits-and-gravy intake needs work.

11:47 — Captain Planet needs you, Dan Wheeler! Eric Bruntlett has a tawdry history of littering. You know what to do.

11:45 — Miller squarely blitzkriegs Howard's at bat on the outside corner, and he gets redemption after eight years of revenge. Now Maddon will slough off his LOOGY for someone who can last more than six pitches a night.

11:42 — Ah, this is what we've been waiting for. Trever Miller against his former team. All the bad blood comes down to this. (Well, c'mon, this 9th inning is like a Dramamine smoothie. Someone needs to jazz it up.)

11:40 — Joe Maddon will instead let Balfour give up a double to Jayson Werth and walk Utley — but with the SHIFT ON! — and then pull him.

11:36 — Joe Maddon will opt to let Balfour continue owning Phillies hitting late.

Bottom 8th

3 2

11:32 — Nuh-uh. Upton swings and leaves the hallucinatory shadow men on base.

11:28 — Iwamura's fourth hit? Pssh. It's actually a fly to right. But now Upton FINALLY bats with nobody on base, so that solo shot is just around the corner, idnit?

11:22 — Ryan Madson will be the eighth inning overfunded pork parrel "Bridge To Lidge" for tonight.

Top 8th

11:19 — Balfour was promised a free Vegemite cowbell if he got 7-8-9 in order. He was rewarded properly.

Commercial Break

Just so I have my oversaturated commercials in order, "Routan Boom" is Fox's latest hit show coming this fall. "Silverado" quality you look for in a light beer. And Frank Caliendo does a dead-on-but-not-hilarious impression of a volcano taco.

Bottom 7th

3 2

11:14 — Hamels hangs in the game long enough to pimp slap the bottom of the order one more time.

11:10 — Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon star in, Five Years Ago We'd Be In Better Films. With Jon Voight in a throwaway role? You bet your cheap theater ticket stub he is!

Seventh Inning Stretch Entertainment

Really, if I said nothing more than "monkey" and "segway" at this juncture, and you didn't watch this video, is there anything else I could have done?

Top 7th, Still

11:04 — Balfour, the Australian, was brought in to pitch to Victorino, the switch-hitting Hawaiian. It's because they're near each other, isn't it? If there was a Guamanian in the bullpen, they'd have used him. But Balfour K's Victorino to, again, make a baserunner weep by not scoring.

Commercial Break

11:01 — Taco Bell really wants to compete with restaurants like Ruth's Chris by saying "why have a small-looking steak that tastes great when you can have this big burrito thing, the only ingredient of which that has any nutritional content whatsoever is probably the tortilla?" But hey, they're open late!

Top 7th

10:59 — Pat Burrell walking is grounds for Howell's removal from the mound. Grant Balfour, GET YOUR ASS UP THERE.

10:55 — I don't care who you are, random swearing picked up on field microphones are great. When Utley was almost picked off on a snap throw to third, there was an errant, "Get outta here, god damnit!" I don't know the backstory, but it sure is fun to dream. I imagine it's a hardcore Tampa Bay Rays fan yelling at his girlfriend. How hardcore is he? He bought a piece of Tampa merchandise in 2007.

10:51 — Chase Utley steals second. Everyone gets free Fazoli's breadsticks.

10:49 — Joe Maddon and umpire Tim Welke kindly agree to disagree on the balk-no balk on Hamels' pickoff move to first. "I understand what you're saying" was uttered by both gentlemen. The satin gloves did not need to come off and graze the backside of either lad's cheeks. Time for crumpets. I think Greg Creed might have a few in his trousers.

10:49 — Scott Kazmir gets the Grady Little Seal Of Approval and remains in the game. [Edit: Oh, that's JP Howell. Nevermind, I forgot Tampa Bay has 43 lefthanded pitchers.]

Bottom 6th

3 2

10:44 — Aw, Mr. Crawfish. Carl completes the disappointing inning with a groundout. Lenny is crestfallen.

10:43 — Longoria looks at strike three while the town crier of technology, the strike zone replay, shows it was inside. Well, technically, ALL of these pitches are inside, but that's not important right now.

10:42 — Never mind the error. It's wiped clean by catching him running to second and just barely throwing him out. Just barely throwing out Carlos Peña? Did Howard shot-put the ball to second?

10:40 — How many bumbles and bobbles does it take Ryan Howard to commit to allow Peña to reach first on an error?

Top 6th

10:37 — Kazmir escapes the inning with minimal damage, and will return to the dugout to repair his shields and reload his phasers. But Chad "Groundhugger" Bradford and J.P. "Josephine" Howell were warming up on the sidelines. I'm thinking Maddon should pull Kazmir. We saw how well that worked last week.

10:35 — Coste pops up and Chris Myers has the exclusive with the president of Taco Bell, Greg Creed. What's that ... an accent? Hey now, I thought Mexican food was an American thing! I'm so disillusioned.

10:33 — Maybe Kazmir's weakness is the folks with Z's in their name. Pedro Feliz is giving him fits, and Ruiz has a walk and RBI. Quick, see if Todd Zeile wants one last swing at the plate!

Commercial Break

PC's apparent response to Mac commercials: "Oh yeah? Well WE have laptops! Do you?"

Bottom 5th

3 2

10:28 — Ryan Howard battles a sea of inept hands trying to catch a ball (so THAT's where last year's Tampa team went!) and snares the foul pop to continue Upton's piss poor night at the plate. I don't think he deserves free processed food. Do you?

10:27 — Can BJ Upton find a way to get into a double play with two outs? He'll have to be creative, and if he pulls it off, we'll time-warp into the sixth inning with one out on the scoreboard.

10:25 — Iwamura's third hit is a gapper that drives in #9 Combo Meal, and it's a one-run game. Now Bartlett can FINALLY head to the bathroom.

10:22 — Aaand ... a stolen base. Taco Belltlett? Jason Burritolett? Whatever the case, the taco you will get for free will be ~~indispensable~~ indigestible.

10:20 — Jason Bartlett has earned Hamels' respect at the plate, and walks him for the second time tonight.

10:15 — Tim notes that Dioner Navarro, like his backstop counterpart, Carlos Ruiz, is also from Venezuela. Now, there are so many interesting angles you can take on this one, but Tim opts for the "neither were drafted, because the draft doesn't go into Latin America" route. Other viable options:

• Neither can run for US President
• Neither grew up watching "Saved By The Bell"
• Neither took the SAT
• Neither were born in Panama
• Neither voted against Hugo Chavez

10:14 — Oh, I was totally going to put that lottery code on my bingo card. I was three numbers off.

Commercial Break

A lesson in timing and technology. Ten years ago, a touchscreen computer would have been amazing. Today, marketing a personal computer with a touch monitor just looks like one can pretend they're working at a restaurant in their own home. Screw touch technology! Can it fit in my pocket and send e-mail while on a train?

Top 5th

10:09 — Burrell's little squib hit is fielded by Kazmir, but Pat's lumbering body gets in the way of the gentle throw to Peña, who can't handle it. Somewhere, Chuck Knoblauch stops everything he's doing and argues with the man closest to him about how that should have been interference.

10:09 — Two close, close pitches to Burrell. And everyone agrees. The replay: WAY OFF THE PLATE.

10:07 — I'm pretty sure I just saw a fan wearing a throwback Phils uniform banging a cowbell. Somebody brief him on what his percussive message actually translates to in Tampa.

10:05 — Ryan Howard gets the full count walk. It was not a strike. That's because there was not a swing!

10:03 — Joe: "That was a bad 3-0 swing." Tim: "That's because it was a bad 3-0 pitch." [jams pen into forehead]

Bottom 4th

3 1

9:56 — And Aybar will ... nah, just the one run for this inning.

9:54 — After two speedy outs, a conversation with Rich Dubee is interrupted by his pitcher allowing a homer to Carl Crawford. Too bad I don't think it was live, else I'd love to have had praise for his young pitcher cut short by some swearing.

Top 4th

9:50 — Jimmy Rollins, jealous of Ruiz's easy RBI, just strikes out.

9:49 — Ruiz gets the gift-wrapped RBI by grounding to shortstop and having the benefit of runners on base and less than two out. Lucky dog.

9:48 — "The Phillies have no stolen bases but it seems like they have three." No, Tim. No it doesn't. It feels like they have zero actually. Perhaps you're just that into your Strat-O-Matic season?

9:47 — Every steal attempt is offset by some kind of contact made by the batter, ruining free tacos for everyone. Maybe Burger King should sponsor every team's hit and run.

9:46 — Ol' Kazmir's all hot and bothered by Victorino on base. He can't concentrate. Stop staring at his tits, Kazmir, and focus on your catcher's crotch! Feliz reaches for a single.

9:43 — Upton can't reach Victorino's dying quail, so he just lets it bounce behind him and lets Zobrist field it.

Bottom 3rd

2 0

9:39 — BJ Upton loves him some double plays. With the pads all touched by Rays, a hard ball to Feliz turns into an inning-ending double play. Because double plays are bad for teams.

9:35 — The only logical man to steal the first base of the series is Iwamura. If we had "Tacoby Bellsbury" last year, then Taconori Iwamura is so far the only pun-on-words I can think up right now. Aki gets a single to right that doesn't score Zobrist, turning this inning into one awesome T-ball moment.

9:34 — Keeping the perfect symmetrical chi of Game 1, Jason Bartlett is walked, and both #9 hitters got free passes to first so far.

9:33 — Aw, they finally showed Jason Bartlett announcing himself. Adorable.

9:32 — Dioner Navarro can do nothing, but Ben Zobrist proves Joe Maddon a gut managing genius by singling. He lets his gall bladder pick the lineup, and sure enough it worked here.

Commercial Break

I may not be interested in ostrich burgers, but I will never let a beer delivery man give me culinary advice.

Top 3rd

9:27 — And Burrell fails at life, if life were nothing but that particular atbat. There's another runner Kazmir kept on base and left him there to starve, bringing the total to four for the night. What a bend-but-not-break pitcher! Oh, he's also down by two.

9:24 — So there's a big honkin' hole between second and third, because Longoria has to cover third. So why not just, oh, not play the shift? One of Howard's foul balls landed feet shy of an opposite field double. He ended up striking out, but god, why leave half of Florida open for Howard to mash a ball to?

9:23 — Utley advances the runner at the expense of his own batting average.

9:22 — Rust vs. rest. Square logic.

9:21 — Werth tinks an opposite field hit. Ben Zobrist hustlehearts his way to foul territory to get it, but isn't even close to throwing out Werth at second.

Commercial Break

So between Chevy Chase and Christie Brinkley, Christie Brinkley was the one who didn't have anything else to do but strip naked for a DirecTV commercial? I owe someone five bucks.

Bottom 2nd

2 0

9:16 — If you are a fan of quick innings, then the bottom of the second is for you. Crawford flew out and Willy Aybar foul tips strike three into the spacious catcher's mitt. SWITCH!

9:13 — Carl Crawford, the veteran of the team. Joe: "He played for Tampa Bay way back when they were called the Devil Rays." So, last year.

9:12 — Laudatory things about Evan Longoria. Oh, he strikes out. Nevermind.

Commercial Break

Oh, good, an MLB Network launching nextyear! Expect your cable channel not to carry it.

Top 2nd

9:09 — Hey, lookit that. Rollins' sac fly wasn't sac fly-y enough and Upton leis a beatdown on Victorino trying to score. That's a double play — what an inning killer!! — and they ruin a bases loaded chance.

9:08 — Tim McCarver, percentages, baserunners, and "thinking." I think. To dictate what he says, analyze it, and put it into English terms would require hazard pay.

9:07 — And ... THEY'RE RUNNING FOR TACOS! Oh, never mind, ball four. Congrats, Kazmir, you walked Pedro Feliz and Carlos Ruiz. There's no stopping you now!

9:04 — Buck finishes his story about the cowbell, and yes, it was SNL/Blue Öyster Cult-inspired. Of course. How many non-Gene Frenkle cowbell inspirational stories are out there?

9:04 — Feliz walks and Chris Coste pops out. It's a good thing the 1-7 batters are decent. Just don't count on them to score or anything once they reach the end of the lineup. It's like watching the Nationals.

9:01 — Finally, a diagram on the catwalks and which ones are doubles, home runs, and foul balls when struck. What Joe Buck didn't go over is what happens if someone jumps down from the catwalk in the middle of the opera.

8:59 — Joe Buck reports that Scott Kazmir has a tendency to get in trouble and get himself out of it. Just as he works Pedro Feliz into a 3-0 count. Ah, this is totally natural then! So when the score's 8-0, you know he's probably done with his early inning jitters and will throw nothing but strikeouts for the rest of the game.

8:57 — Shane Victorino bats. He was born on an island! How kooky! His broken bat hit goes back up the middle like a, um, volcanic eruption? And can't be fielded cleanly for a base hit.

Bottom 1st

2 0

8:54 — They should just have turf circles on which fielders stand whenever Ryan Howard and Carlos Peña step up to bat. He grounds out and the first World Series inning is fini.

8:53 — BJ Upton didn't want runners on base anyway. He checks his bat into a double play, but he meant to do that. He'd rather have a solo home run in the fourth. McCarver tops the moment with something about how double plays kill innings. Interesting.

8:51 — Nobody can beat Iwamura to the bag on an infield hit. NOBODY.

8:50 — Ha. Jason Bartlett, the one indispensable player on the lineup, was the only guy Fox could afford to cut out of their footage.

8:49 — KEY TO ANNOUNCING THE STARTING LINEUP FOR TAMPA: Line up behind Iwamura.

Top 1st

8:47 — Pat Burrell quickly strikes out, ending ~~the rally~~ Joe Buck's anecdote about cowbells. Never start something long-winded with two outs, Joe. You knew that.

8:46 — Honestly, why not just put one fielder in short right field and give everyone else a power nap in left field? Ryan Howard always grounds there. Two out.

8:44 — Utley hit right into the shift ... and over it. A home run slaps a quick 2-0 lead on the board.

8:44 — Thanks, Fox, for doing a strike zone graphic replay on a ball that bounced in the dirt. It sure was close!

8:42 — Chase Utley is getting the shifty love, which seems odd. "Maybe they thought he was Ryan Howard." Oh, sure, BECAUSE ALL BLACK PEOPLE LOOK ALIKE. Very classy, Tim.

8:41 — Jayson Werth breaks up Kazmir's perfect game with a walk.

8:39 — And you laughed at Ben Zobrist getting the start. He catches the first out of the World Series by Jimmy Rollins.

Pregame

8:37 — Oh, thank God. Fox's Keys to the Game:

Philly: LINE UP BEHIND HAMELS. All the fielders, single file. Don't worry. Jason Barlett will still hit it to you.

Tampa POUNCE ON HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE. This was actually a canned key to the game from the Detroit Tigers, whose mascot actually has paws, who they crowned World Series champion back in March and never changed it. Plus, "STING SOMEONE BEHIND YOU TO GET HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE" didn't fit on the screen.

8:31 — Now Fox is announcing the starting lineup. Which they ... just ... did ... on the field, like, fifteen minutes ago. Will they go through the lineup again in the second inning?

"I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on Pedro Feliz, third base, batting seventh."

8:28 — Say, what happened to announcing the time of the actual first pitch? Why all this 8 p.m. shit when it doesn't happen until at least a half hour after that?

8:26 — It's before the 5th inning, but David Price is already mentioned ... enh, I'll see if they can squeeze him until after the first pitch.

8:23 — Frank Caliendo found his way out of TBS and into our homes for the World Series. This makes me wonder what horrible show Fox will try and get us to watch the next two weeks. Oh, look, The Simpsons has another Halloween episode coming out!

8:20 — I've just been handed a note from Tropicana Field. "While the Backstreet Boys are singing the Star Spangled Banner on the field, beer and popcorn service in Section 213 will be suspended until they can get back up there."

8:19 — I think the Backstreet Boys just got booed before the national anthem. How classless! They're going to sing this country's theme song and ... oh, god. Oh, GOD. OH MY GOD STOP SINGING LIKE THAT! NO NO NO YOU'RE KILLING BABY EAGLES AND SETTING FLAGS ON FIRE WITH THAT KIND OF HARMONIZATION.

8:17 — Live lineup announcements are so much fun. It's an easy way to draw out advertising dollars instead of, oh I don't know, write them down on the Internet.

8:13 — Okay, is Elizabeth Banks in EVERY movie? Zack and Miri Make A Porno. I just saw a commercial for her in Role Models. She's also Laura Bush in W. I wasn't aware it was possible for a hot woman to endure overkill but maybe she can just go for the metaphoric sweep and portray Erin Andrews in an unauthorized biopic next year.

8:09 — Oh good, the Free Taco contest is making a comeback. If anyone steals a base, everyone gets a free taco from Taco Bell, which just means for one day the nation gets their product at what it's worth.

8:07 — Jeanne Zelasko gets the ball rolling by nailing the catwalk square. Please mark it off with a tuft of fake, blonde hair, or if you don't have that, some gold-painted wiring.

8:05 — Mark Grace, that jokester! He said he picked Tampa to reach the World Series in the preseason. He also predicted the playoffs would expand to 28 teams by this year.

8:01 — Oh, good. John McCain and Barack Obama (sound only) are reading quotes about baseball alongside a video montage of baseball's role in history. They're only doing that so they can get out of picking a definitive team in this World Series; Barack Obama is cheering for both, and John McCain hates both teams because they're far away from Arizona and are young and vibrant. Politics!

Pre-Game Babble

God. I knew I'd have been inundated with Manny Ramirez vs. Boston Red Sox columns were that the World Series, but now I'm sick of the countless columns about Rays lefty specialist Trever Miller facing his old team, the Philadelphia Phillies. Aren't you sick of it too? I'd link to an example but ... but ... I just can't figure out which one to pick. Yes, that's the reason.

I can't really figure out who will win this one. The matchup is like two pieces of different jigsaw puzzles. You don't know how they're going to match up until you see them together, and even then it's hard to tell, so you just leave them out and see which one the dog eats.

Also, to all the other liveblogs going on by diligent, talented Internet writers and fans alike: I really hate competing with you guys, because you're all so smart and quick, so let's not quabble and fight for pageviews, so why doesn't everyone just close up shop and watch this one. It's really the simplest answer.

W-L Record In Deadspin Live Blogs
Phillies: 5-0
Rays: 1-1

Starting Lineups

Philadelphia
1. SS Jimmy "Hustlebuck" Rollins
2. RF Jayson "Scuttlebutt" Werth
3. 2B Chase "Stillstanding" Utley
4. 1B Ryan "Pullshift" Howard
5. LF Pat "Brows" Burrell
6. CF Shane "Mainland" Victorino
7. 3B Pedro "The Rally Stopper" Feliz
8. DH Chris "All Between Matt Stairs And The Starting Lineup" Coste
9. C Carlos "Brett Myers" Ruiz

Tampa Bay
1. 2B Akinori "Steve" Iwamura
2. CF BJ "You're Thinking Of Delmon" Upton
3. 1B Carlos "Slappy" Peña
4. 3B Evan "Won't Error At All" Longoria
5. LF Carl "Music Factory" Crawford
6. DH Willy "Current Occupant" Aybar
7. C Dioner "Catcher" Navarro
8. Ben "I Don't Who I Am Either" Zobrist
9. Jason "I'll Throw Myself Out" Bartlett

Speaking of bingo, notice anything different?

Sure, the World Series warrants additional photoshoppery, but seeing that our apple pushing friends over at Gizmodo came up with this great live blog bingo idea a few weeks ago, it made me realize that, hey, maybe it's time for a new bingo look. After all, why can't us have color bingo cards?

Help Us, Baseball, You're Our Only Hope

Dashiell Bennett — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 16:00:18 EDT

We have reason to believe that this (or something similar) will be the opening teaser that will greet baseball fans as they tune into the Fox broadcast tonight. I'm not great at reading subtext, but the theme for this World Series seems to be "America: We're Screwed, But At Least We Have Baseball!"

Yes, we're at war, our economy is a hellstorm of failure and strife, and our leaders continue to bicker with each other in a neverending scorched Earth propaganda battle, but ... never forget that there are sinister enemies out there who want to kill us in our sleep. Oh, wait ... and we have grown men playing sport to distract us from all that. Have fun everybody!

• Credits: "WORLD SERIES '08 TEASE
WRITER + PRODUCER: MICHAEL HUGHES
DESIGN + ANIMATION: CLAY LIPSKY & JASON BOGNACKI
AUDIO: JIM MITCHELL"
Via here

World Series Preview: Rays Vs. Phillies

Will Leitch — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 12:00:28 EDT

The World Series is truly my favorite week of the year. Having the World Series going on is an excuse that gets you out of anything, every year. No matter what plans I might be forced into, all I have to say is, "Hey, the World Series is on," and people understand. You know how Will gets about his baseball ...

Series Schedule
Game 1: Wednesday, October 22, 8 p.m. Philadelphia at Tampa Bay.
Game 2: Thursday, October 23, 8 p.m. Philadelphia at Tampa Bay.
Game 3: Saturday, October 25, 8 p.m. Tampa Bay at Philadelphia.
Game 4 : Sunday, October 26, 8 p.m. Tampa Bay at Philadelphia.
Game 5 (if necessary): Monday, October 27, 8 p.m. Tampa Bay at Philadelphia.
Game 6 (if necessary): Wednesday, October 29, 8 p.m. Philadelphia at Tampa Bay.
Game 7 (if necessary): Thursday, October 30, 8 p.m, Philadelphia at Tampa Bay.

SEVEN THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE RAYS-PHILLIES SERIES

1. Remember The Thunderdome! Back before the Cowbells, or even before the Devil Rays, Tropicana Field was born, alone, empty, abandoned straight out of the womb. St. Petersburg built the stadium — then known as the Florida Suncoast Dome — in 1990, in hopes of getting the White Sox to come to town. When that didn't work, they tried an expansion team; Miami and Denver got them instead. So, it was unused until 1993, when the NHL's Lightning played there. (That's when it was called the Thunderdome.) In the 1996 playoffs, more than 28,000 people saw the Lightning, which is more than the Rays' average any season other than 1998, their debut. In 2003, they averaged 13,158 fans, a number that's lower than the number of fans my Illini got for a end-of-December, with the students home for the holidays, loss to Tennessee State. (I know: I saw it.)

2. Aw, But For 1993. Even for those dopey mulleted Midwesterners out there who might have been turning 18 during the 1993 NLCS, the 1993 Phillies were instantly likable. (And no one even had any idea yet that Darren Daulton was hurtling through time and space!) Everybody had their favorite player; I'm sad to say that mine was, yes, John Kruk. Here's something I didn't realize about that NLCS, though; the Phillies won in six games but were completely outplayed. That somehow makes their win mean even more. Unfortunately, they lost the World Series to a team from Canada, and the World Series was so upset that it took the next year off.

3. Jamie ... She Used To Be My Girl. Not to harp on Jamie Moyer here — I think I've mentioned him in every Phillies preview — but, as Jonah Keri points out, Moyer's debut in the major leagues when Evan Longoria and David Price were less than a year old. Hopefully, Carlos Pena and Carl Crawford will take a wrong turn at Daulerio's apartment: The two lefthanded hitters have hammered Moyer throughout their careers. That Game 3 Moyer start reeks of big trouble; it would behoove the Phillies to get a split out of the Trop, at least.

4. Famous People! Every good World Series matchup breakdown needs to observe the time-honored tradition of comparing the two cities famous residents. And by "famous residents," I mean "people who got the hell out of town at the first opportunity." So, let's go to it!
Tampa: Tony LaRussa, Nick Carter, Ray Charles, Randy "Macho Man" Savage.
Philadelphia: Noam Chomsky, R. Crumb, Dick Clark, Bill Cosby, Richard Gere, M. Night Shyamalan, Bob Saget, Will Smith, Rev. Jeremiah Wright.

I think we have a clear winner.

5. Mayor Bets! Speaking of silly World Series traditions, the mayors of St. Petersburg and Philadelphia did one of their I'll give you this if your team wins, and you'll give me that if mine does things. If the Phillies win, St. Petersburg mayor Rick Baker gives up "coconut shrimp from Cha Cha Coconuts at The Pier, stone crab claws from Clearwater's Frenchy's restaurant, Cuban sandwiches from the world-famous historic Columbia Restaurant in Ybor City, commemorative championship label Cuesta-Rey Centro Fino Cortez Cigars from the J.C. NewmanCigar Company, and key lime pie from the Fourth Street Shrimp Store in St.
Pete." If the Rays win, Philadelphia mayor Michael Nutter gives up "Philadelphia cheesesteaks, delicious Tastykakes, Philly soft pretzels, mac-n-cheese from Delilah's Southern Cafe and a Rocky statue." So, look for the winning team's mayor to drop dead of a heart attack within a week of the Series' final game.

6. Let's Get A Good One This Time. Jayson Stark is right: We haven't had an awesome World Series in quite some time. I'd argue that this one was the best possible World Series (note the time on that post, by the way; I'd been up all night), but, you know, it would be fair to classify me as somewhat biased. Anyway, yeah: The last great one was in 2002, when the Rally Monkey killed Barry Bonds. This one has the feel of one that'll be far more fun.

7. For Crying Out Loud, It's The World Series! So what if you hate the Phillies? So what if you don't know anything about the Rays? It's the World Series, people! Woo-hoo!

PREDICTION
It's going to seem strange to have a nail-biting, insane Game 7 of the World Series in a dome, but we're headed there. Rays in 7.

ALCS Game Seven Live Blog: Red Sox-Rays

Matt Sussman — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 20:00:00 EDT

Not much more needs to be said, other than "not much more needs to be said." The winner gets to momentum-crush the Phillies in the World Series. Airing (maybe) on TBS, it's Jon "The" Lester for Boston and Matt "Game 7 Scheduled Pitcher" Garza hurlin' fastballs at their respective catchers. It's jump or go home.

* * *

Top 9th

1 3

11:46 — Now Sager can go back and finish his fireside chat with LaMar. But he'll settle for David Price. Not asked: "how do you throw that fast?" and "what weighs more: the entire team jumping on you, or YOUR MOM?"

M'kay. I'm done. Look at this website when the Rays-Phillies [shiver] ratchets up Wednesday night. And whether you're a Tampa native or a Bostonian, we can all agree that the nation wins because Frank TV ads have kicked the proverbial bucket. Good night, Internet!

11:44 — B.J. Upton gets interviewed by Craig Sager while wearing a championship hat in the least fashionable way possible.

11:40 — Jed Lowrie finished the ALDS with a ground ball to the right side. He finishes the ALCS off almost the same way, but the opposite. The ball gets snurfed up by Iwamura, who handles the forceout himself. Ballgame over. Red Sox season over. So I've been meaning to ask this question for all of four seconds now: why is the team that signed Greg Vaughn all those years ago going to the World Series? I may never get over that.

11:38 — Jason Varitek does what the other guy did, which is strike out. And maybe he no longer plays for Boston because the rumors will be too much for him that he'll accidentally sign with Kansas City. Good luck!

11:36 — I always wondered if a spider knows that an apartment dweller notices him for about five minutes before he gets squished. On a related note, David Price demolishes Mark Kotsay on a 2-2 fastball on the outside hemisphere of the strike zone.

11:34 — Leadoff walks are good, right? Well, Jason Bay has himself one.

11:31 — Price remains pitching, and his first one to Jason Bay? Down the middle, 95 mph. Kwalité beginning. Two pitches later he puts Bay to the dirt with an inside fastball. God loves a fast wild-throwing rookie pitcher who doesn't know just how big this moment is for him. Or maybe that's just sportswriters. I get the two confused, what with Bill Plaschke's heavenly celestial stubble.

Commercial Break

October Gonzo reminds us AT THIS POINT IN THE GAME that this month is very important to the sport of baseball. Good information!

Bottom 8th

1 3

11:28 — All the interesting things happened in the other part of the inning. Hope you're fine with Tampa Bay going down submissively in this part of the inning to the arm of Hideki Okajima. Thank you in advance for understanding. But it looks like David Price will remain chucking ninetysomethings to the catcher to aim for the four-out save.

11:24 — Ahhh, that was fun. Oh, wait, there's still a game going on?

Back To the 8th

11:19 — Sweet buttery fuck. You can just hear Dioner Navarro channeling his inner Jake Taylor after those first two blazin' strikes. "Well, shit, all these pitches choose from. Maybe we'll try somethin' different this time." J.D. Drew leaves the men on base with a rather emasculating strikeout.

11:18 — The Tampan response to Joba Chamberlain (but without the booze), David Price, will try and get the second out.

Commercial Break

There's not at all a racial element to this Axe commercial with the chocolate man being adored and smooched by all those pretty girls. But one thing's for sure. Ken Rosenthal thinks he won't sign with Boston anytime soon.

Top 8th

11:15 — After digging out of a 3-0 hole, Bradford's riseball lands inside for the walk to load the bases. Now Bradford's done.

11:14 — Everything's inside for a ball, Chad. Might want to try standing juuust a couple inches to the left. Alternate suggestion: throw the damn ball like a man.

11:12 — Chad Bradford will stand on the mound instead of Howell now.

11:09 — After the baseball equivalent of a Catholic wedding, Ortiz stops fouling off pitches and just grounds into a forceout. It would've been bases loaded and one out had Crisp actually slid toward the bag, instead of an arbitrary point on the side of the infield where a hallucinatory candy bar was lying. Damn those Floridians and their magic Whatchamacalit holograms!

11:04 — If any doctors are watching this game in HD, please note the curious-shaped wart on the left side of Joe Maddon's neck. There's money to be had in that co-pay.

11:03 — J.P. Howell, known to his wife as Thurston, will be the lefty to face David Ortiz.

11:02 — If you wanted to see more of Wheeler's pitching shenanigans, you'll have to wait until either Wednesday or next April.

11:01 — Remember that basement? Well, Pedroia's fly ball would have bore a hole in the ceiling, gone through his dad's Persian rug, his mom's leather purse, his dog's water dish, and really caused some chaos in the Pedroia household. He'd have been grounded. But now he's a big boy, and he just makes an out without advancing any runners.

10:59 — Mmm. Crispy. Coco's single begins the rally. But don't worry, Rays fans! All you have coming up next are Pedroia, Ortiz, and Bay! None of them are known for their hitting accolades!

10:57 — Wheeler enjoys shaking his mitt like he's at the craps table. Which, if we get the Game 5 Wheeler, will be exactly what he does in the crucial 8th.

10:55 — Dan Wheeler is now on the mound. Ron Darling asks if we'll see the Dan Wheeler from Game 2, or the one from Game 5? He recklessly rules out the Wheeler from Captain Planet.

10:52 — Cora's ground ball in-dispenses between Jason Bartlett's legs. That'll end Garza's night of settling.

10:51 — Garza's at 116 pitches, and he's still in there firing away. So, I guess we won't be seeing him pitching in the World Series regardless.

10:51 — Gabe Gross, please replace Rocco Baldelli in right fi... oh, you already did. Well then.

Bottom 7th

1 3

10:48 — Bartlett flies out to center, so I think we can stop talking about the seventh now. It's over. Stop livin' in the past.

10:46 — Baldelli runs away from the mess he made at home plate by striking out, but they force him out regardless. Another suspect off the basepaths.

10:44 — Navarro helps Lester settle back into ... into, um, something, with a flyout to right.

10:39 — Lester has a lot of settlin' in to do. Oh, just kidding ... Willy Aybar borrowed Matt Stairs' mythical fat dude power for one solo home run to left field. Hey, Chip, do you think he hit that so far it went to Tampa? [snort]

Seventh Inning Stretch Entertainment

As is the case with any Weebl's video production, watching their Flash video on a loop (when you're drunk/stoned/lonely) is the most effective method.

Top 7th

10:35 — We got a great big cowbell ♬ ain't she a beautiful sight? (Actually, it's quite annoying. Stop that.) Captain Varitek affects the game by stranding two batters on a strikeout.

10:33 — All Kotsay could do was move Drew up one (1) base with a sac fly to right. Attractive wife is satiated.

10:31 — Joe Maddon came out to tell Matt Garza that Dick Vitale is in the stands, so not to worry, because even if you blow it, he'll still think you're a superb P-T-P pitcher with the E-R-A that's A-O-K in his book, baby.

10:28 — This is probably the opposite of being settled in. A walk to Drew and a hit by Bay quickly demotes Garza from "Settled In" to "Slightly Jittery But Still Within Arms Reach Of Settled." (Note: These are all technical baseball terms, which is why most of you have not heard of them.)

10:26 — Garza will try and increase from Very Settled In all the way to Diamond VIP Übersettled In, and Youkilis pops up. That'll help.

Bottom 6th

1 2

10:22 — Crawford's fly ball ends the inning, and ratches up the "settling of in." Dick Vitale's mood has been downgraded from Cocaine Metamucil to Caffeinated Fixodent.

10:20 — In response to Garza's settling in, Jon Lester will try and raise the bar to SuperDouble Settled In. Speedy outs by Peña and Longoria help him reach his goal.

Commercial Break

If Brooke Shields' parents hadn't wanted to by a Volkswagen car, we might have have avoided this series of mind-numbing Routan commercials.

Top 6th

10:14 — The line between David Ortiz and Mo Vaughn is starting to blur in this game. Ortiz feels the gaseous wrath of a high fastball, and Pedroia's aortic energy can't outrun Navarro's throw to second on the stolen base. Good thing I don't place bets on a whim, else I'd have been out money thinking that Boston was going to tie it up in this inning. Seriously, when Tampa had a one-run deficit, you didn't see them climbing that hill. But a one-run lead in this game for Boston, you expect it to be equalized the moment someone reaches base. I have no idea where this feeling is coming from. But just to be sure, have Craig Sager stay the hell away from Chuck LaMar.

10:12 — What a circulatory performance. Maybe Pedroia should be the grant marshal for next year's Boston Heart Walk.

10:10 — Pedroia keeps lunging at these pitches with all his widdle might, fighting them off like Rudy getting his ass tackled by bigger, stronger, more capable men. In summary: heart.

10:08 — So when Fox uses a blue comet to track a hockey puck, it's frowned upon. When TBS uses it to replay a pitch in relation to their computerized strike zone, it's lauded as brilliant TV. Good to know for when I launch my 24-hour curling cable news network and have to make important executive decisions on bluecometry.

10:05 — Coco Crisp just got underhand throw'ned.

10:03 — Driving the point home, Garza has indeed settled in. The game is no longer baseball. It's a settle-off. You know the rules.

Bottom 5th

1 2

9:59 — Footage of Upton's home run off Lester in Game 3! Bring us back to now, when Upton hits a home run if he was in a petting zoo, and only a really underfunded one at that. The liner falls harmlessly into Cora's glove, and Lester escapes with just one run added to his stat column.

9:57 — Iwamura's ground ball travels about 2.18 Pedroias in length, but that's just as good as a bunt, and with two men in scoring position there's a two-out RBI chance for B.J. Upton.

9:56 — "Momentum" may have "shifted," as Chip Caray notes, but if this is ALL the Rays get this inning, it's a pendulum that goes back to Boston's dugout. Bartlett indispensably goes down on strikes.

9:53 — Rocco Baldelli gets a base hit almost where Navarro's infieldt hit was, only it squeaks through. Aybar rounds and scores. Camera spot on Dick Vitale having either a seizure or celebrating the Rays 2-1 lead. It's really a toss-up at this point, but weigh better odds on the latter if someone told Vitale that the Rays are being guest-managed by Mike Krzyzewski.

9:51 — It's an infield hit by a catcher. Which is just as good as an intentional walk. Or an intentional hit by pitch. Or a dropsied pop fly. They're all acceptable.

9:47 — Willy Aybar digs out a double with his magic stick of wood. He also pulled out a plum, but tossed it aside since nursery rhyme allusions don't help win ball games. But the leadoff double helped.

Top 5th

9:42 — Now Matt Garza is "settled in," not to be confused with how I've been settled into my couch for the last three days doing absolutely jack shit. Because it might seem like Garza and I have the same levels of athletic talent. Garza gets through the inning untouched. HE HAS A PERFECT GAME THROUGH SINCE THE LAST TIME HE LET SOMEONE GET ON BASE.

Commercial Break

When the Venetians arrive to this planet, in 2018, go back in time, and look at the commercials aired during the ALCS, they'll think that all baseball fans can't get natural erections or piss properly on their own. They'll also think that Frank Caliendo is this generation's Jack Benny, once they are informed by our ambassador who that was.

Bottom 4th

1 1

9:35 — Crawford won't be running to first after all. A leisurely walk back to the dugout to retrieve his mitt will suffice.

9:34 — It was nice of Youkilis to test the green wall's consistency in foul territory by sliding into it, but unfortunately the great diving play was thwarted by the fact that the ball didn't land anywhere near him.

9:32 — When Longoria gets an RBI, the Rays tend to win. PRESSURE ON THE ROOKIE. But the pressure worked, as Longoria's double scoots down into the right field corner and Carlos Peña does his best Sid Bream impression seven innings too early, tying up the game.

9:29 — The shoulda-had-a-V8 ground ball isn't strong enough to start a double play, but Iwamura gets punched out at second.

9:28 — Chip notes how "there would be bedlam in St. Pete" if Peña were to hit a home run here. Isn't the problem the last 2½ games that they keep trying to hit home runs instead of just trying to reach base?

9:26 — Upton can forget about breaking up another no-hitter. He'll just strike out instead.

9:24 — Eye of newt! That's what the jinx was missing. The final ingredient finally dropped into the stew, and Iwamura's single breaks the perfect no-hitter.

9:23 — We now return you to Jon Lester's potential perfect game, already in progress, starring TBS's Chip, Ron, and Buck as the three witches from Hocus Pocus.

Top 4th

9:20 — Garza strikes out Bay, and saunters back to the dugout like he just won a Golden Tee tournament at the local bar.

9:18 — JD Drew, popping up to somewhere besides second base? Forget it!

9:17 — Longoria tried his darndest to errantly throw to first, but Peña quashes the effort with the scoop, getting Youkilis the hell out of there.

Bottom 3rd

1 0

9:11 — He's still mentioning it after every at bat. Bartlett pops up, and that's ... NINE IN A ROW!

9:10 — Rocco Baldelli v. Jon Lester. It's a disease-off. Remission Showdown. Winner gets to turn their story into a Lifetime movie. And the winner ... Lester, who strikes Baldelli out looking.

9:09 — Dioner Navarro doesn't come close to that fastball. He's settled in. He's retired seven straight. Chip Caray is throwing every morsel of jinxdom and hexdom he can find in the press box down to the pitcher's mound. Nothing's working.

9:06 — It's the first time any pitcher has gone perfect through two innings this series. Watch your back, Don Larsen!

Top 3rd

9:03 — Garza won't let a little thing like Pedroia stealing second, a move which anthropologists agree helped advance ancient groundhog societies by 53 percent, stop him from striking out David Ortiz, which apparently you can do again this postseason.

8:59 — Pedroia gets plunked right on his heart. Because he wears it on his sleeve, you see. That's the joke. He's not even going to show that he's hurt. He's lying about his pain. THAT'S WHY HE'S A GREAT PLAYER. (Or, hey, maybe it stung just as much as any other fastball to the delts.)

8:59 — Dustin Pedroia's maternal grandfather was a groundhog, right?

8:57 — Crisp was left out in the pantry, became all stale and mushy, and struck out.

8:54 — Nice try, Alex Cora. A Sarah-Plain-And-Tall fly ball to left is all the No. 9 hitter could muster.

Bottom 2nd

1 0

8:49 — HE STILL HAS A PERFECT GAME!! Lester causes Willy Aybar to ground to Youkilis.

8:48 — Eh, I wasn't interested in Carl Crawford making contact anyway.

8:46 — Tampa's not happy with a high 3-0 pitch ruled a strike, and Evan Longoria responds in protest by grounding out to short. That'll show 'em!

Commercial Break

The BlackBerry Storm. Brought to you by David Chase.

Top 2nd

8:42 — IMPACT strikeout.

8:41 — Jason Varitek's free agency rumors? Why, let's square that one down.

8:39 — As noted by Buck Martinez and Jason Varitek, the catcher can go hitless (phew!) and still make an impact. Maybe I should have gone into the business as a catching shortstop.

8:37 — That's why they pay Jason Bartlett the big ... uh, er, patonthebacks. Mark Kotsay's scorching line-drive/ground ball hybrid up the middle gets snarfed up by Bartlett.

8:36 — Jason Bay gets a lot of two-out RBI. So with one out and nobody on base, surely that means that he'll do absolutely nothing. Well, he did barely swing at strike three. I guess that counts. Garza's earplugs are finally out, which means he can finally hear Ron Darling talk about him.

Commercial Break

It's bad enough we have to endure these political ads. But we also have to endure local political ads, causing me to ask the obvious question: "wait, which one's the incumbent?"

Bottom 1st

1 0

8:31 — There was a time when the Tigers acquired Carlos Peña and Jeremy Bonderman in the same trade. Aren't we glad they kept the right one! Hahaha! [stabs wall with butter knife] Jon Lester keeps the perfect game intact by striking him out.

8:26 — BJ Upton is one home run shy of the single-postseason record of eight, held by Barry Bonds and Carlos Beltran. They share the record every other week, because, well, it's not like they have any rings to admire. Upton now has 7½ home runs this postseason, because his opposite field shot lands safely in the glove of JD Drew.

8:24 — Akinori Iwamura? Cut. DOWN.

8:23 — Here's Lester's TBS© scouting report: "Extra Days Rest," "Cut Fastball," "Game 7." Based on that, he's pitching tonight and he throws at least one kind of pitch. Use at your own discretion, Willy Aybar!

Top 1st

8:19 — JD Drew and I have something in common. He struck out while everyone was looking, then tried to run away from it crying. What?

8:16 — There appears to be an entire clan of second baseman living in Kevin Youkilis's beard. That's why he was so late on that swing, but it almost landed in the right field warning dirt. Rocco Baldelli jettisoned enough of that "mysterious illness" to catch the slicing fly ball, and Ortiz "runs" back to first to avoid the double-up.

8:15 — David Ortiz, inspired by Dustin Pedroia's combination of heart and pancreas, takes a ball four.

8:11 — Dustin Pedroia practiced hitting home runs in his basement, where the ceiling was ten feet high. That's why the home run never went above that threshold, and Boston takes the quick lead.

8:10 — Garza's rocking the earplugs for the game. Good thing he doesn't play a sport in which communication was inspired by mimes and vaudeville. Coco Crisp's leadoff bunt sacrificed the Shadow Man on first to second. One out.

Pregame

8:08 — And the Sager coat watch has been decreased to: striped gray. Weak, weak, weak selection.

8:07 — Matt Garza's scouting report is limited to three words per bullet point. Fun fact: The Orioles actually use the TV scouting reports and nothing else to prepare for baseball games.

8:03 — Sign in Tampa: RAYS + TROP = VICTORY. Home record in the ALCS: 1-2. Which equals negative one. Divide by pi.

Pre-Game Babble

Much like the Phillies' unblemished record in official Deadspin-sanctioned live blogs, the Boston Red Sox haven't lost-a one either. They're 3-0, dating back to the 2007 World Series. If you wanted other probabilities, Tom Verducci notes that it's a 50-50 shot, and AccuScore will trump the human predictor, saying Boston's a 51-49 favorite. No supercomputers have honed down the prediction to the nearest thousandth of a percentage point yet, mostly because they've all been repossessed due to scientists not making their payments, and repo-men are using them to predict if they'll get laid tonight.

Boston's starting lineup:

1. CF Coco "Riboflavin" Crisp
2. 2B Dustin "Groundhog" Pedroia
3. DH David "Poppyseed" Ortiz
4. 3B Kevin "I Stole Julio Franco's Batting Stance" Youkilis
5. RF J.D. "Clutch Three Games A Year" Drew
6. LF Jason "Being" Bay
7. 1B Mark "How's Your Wife" Kotsay
8. C Jason "Sweet, Not Ninth Anymore" Varitek
9. SS Alex "Sojo" Cora

Tampa Bay's lineup:

1. 2B Akinori "最初の野球選手" Iwamura
2. CF B.J. "Bounces Over His Head" Upton
3. 1B Carlos "The Lesser Tilde" Peña
4. 3B Evan "Quick, Throw It To First" Longoria
5. LF Carl "I'm Not Leadoff Anymore?" Crawford
6. DH Willy "Which One Am I Again" Aybar
7. C Dioner "Geovany" Navarro
8. RF Rocco "I Got Better" Baldelli
9. SS Jason "Sandlot Slugger" Bartlett

Bingo hall's lineup:

LA Sports Bar Bans Dodgers Gear ... Phillies Gear OK, Though

Rick Chandler — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:00:05 EDT

My sports bar of choice when in the Los Angeles area? Big Wangs, of course. Now with two locations — Hollywood and North Hollywood — making it more convenient to head on over to watch Game 5 of the NLCS, and enjoy a heaping basket of Wangs Wings. Of course, if you're planning on wearing your Dodgers jersey in the establishment, be prepared to be thrown out on your keester. That's right: No Dodgers gear allowed. Wait, what? My friend Anita, the manager of the North Hollywood Wangs, explains:

"We had a huge altercation recently involving a bunch of guys in Dodgers jerseys," Anita told me by phone. "It was a huge fight. There were girls in here, and they were all scared. We didn't want that to happen again, so we decided it would be best to just ban all Dodgers jerseys."

ME: "So, if I wear my Dodgers hat, I'll be thrown out?"

ANITA: "Unfortunately yes,"

ME: "What about my Barry Zito jersey?"

ANITA: "That's the Giants, right? Giants gear is OK."

ME: "What? A Giants hat is OK in a Hollywood sports bar, but no Dodgers stuff?"

ANITA: "Well, the reason ..."

ME: "We're through the looking glass, Anita!"

ANITA: "To be honest, most of the guys [involved in the altercation] were gangsters. They were all wearing Dodgers stuff, and they come in here and cause trouble a lot. We don't discriminate due to race or color, so we decided that banning the Dodgers gear was the best way to handle it. We have a regular clientele that likes to come in here, and we want them to feel safe. A lot of girls come here to hang out."

ME: "I hadn't noticed.*"

ANITA: "We want them to feel safe here. I know it's not the popular thing to do, with the playoffs going on and everything, for people to say, oh, they don't allow Dodgers stuff. But we felt it was the best thing."

ME: "If the Dodgers make the World Series, I'll be coming in. And full disclosure, I'll be wearing Dodgers underwear."

ANITA: "That's fine."

ME: "Stickin' it to 'The Man!' "

ANITA: "That's no problem."

Anita didn't say if business had dropped off due to the ban, or what the implications were for those who come in wearing Raiders gear, which I'm told is much more favored with the gang types. And what if an actual Dodger — say, Steve Sax — comes in? Is he automatically ejected no matter what he's wearing? Stay tuned to this developing story.

* = May be a lie.

LA Bar Bans Fans From Wearing Dodgers Gear [Your Face Is A Sports Blog]

Mound Visits By Dusty Baker Are Somewhat Unnerving To Nine-Year-Olds

Rick Chandler — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 09:30:06 EDT

What I learned this weekend: Dusty Baker can mismanage a pitching staff even if it consists of 9- and 10-year-olds. OK, in his defense, his team was enjoying a 25-3 lead when Baker inserted his son, Darren, in relief in the fourth inning on Saturday. Darren proceeded to pour gasoline on the fire by allowing four runs, precipitating this visit to the mound by dad. The conversation may have gone something like this: "I had to take this shit from Josh Fogg, but I'm not going to take it from you. Get this next guy out or no post-game Slurpee!" Darren: "I hate you!"

Baker was fill-in coach for Darren's 10-under NorCal Travel Ball baseball team during this past weekend's Fall State Championship Tournament at Twin Creeks Sports Complex in Sunnyvale, Calif. Your intrepid reporter was on the scene — it was either this or a matinee showing of Beverly Hills Chihuahua — as Baker's team, Hard 90 Pastime out of Roseville, fought to an exciting 27-7 victory in game one of a doubleheader.

From what I could tell, Baker's duties consisted mainly of: Coaching first base; signing autographs; and helping players put condiments on their hot dogs.

"This is a lot of fun, and something I never thought I'd be able to do until Darren was older," said Baker, who may have disappointed many fans by not wearing wristbands for the gig. Instead he rocked the track suit and the Nike Air Maxs. "My dad coached me in Riverside when I was 15, so it's great to be able to do this with Darren. I'm enjoying it; being back in the San Francisco area and all that. The kids are great."

The biggest challenge in coaching nine-year-olds?

"Getting them to focus," Baker said. "Sometimes you wonder if they're listening." So, just like the Reds!

The players weigh in:

Ross Strider, 10: "It's awesome have Dusty Baker as our coach. He gives us great tips, like how to block out the sun on a fly ball, and how to tell which way the wind is blowing."

Brian Goad, 10: "It's really fun; he makes us want to play harder. But after awhile you forget he's Dusty Baker. He just seems like one of the dads."

Alex Rose, 9: "Darren is a good friend, and he's really fast. He thinks he's faster than me, but nope. He isn't."

Dusty Baker Gets Fall Coaching Gig — His Son's Team [Sacramento Bee]